I have been struggling with making contact or not with the OM. If any of you have read my posts in the past, you realize the situation I am in, in that he lives next door. I have come close to a decision to write him a letter, so that I will be able to say exactly what I want without fear of forgetting or letting anger get in the way. I have thought that I may ask in the letter for a chance to talk to him face-to-face at a leter time, or initially to ask him for a response in writing himself. The situation has become one of feeling like a prisoner of sorts in my own home. Monday morning I walked out the front door, stepped off the porch and found myself looking directly at him as he stood just 50 feet away in his driveway. He looked up and our eyes met for an instant until he turned and walked quickly for his house. I have told my WS of my thinking of contacting him, and she wants to know why, and exactly what I will say. She said that I should share this information with her since she has been open in telling me of the affair and other details. I told her that I had not made a decision yet about anything. She has been showing signs of letting go of him, but still describes the experience as shaking an addiction. She is currently reading Surviving an Affair by Harley. She saw that I had the book, and asked if she could read it. She has also stated after reading a few chapters that it should be required reading for all engaged couples. I have been a little leary of having her read it, since if I impliment any of the strategies outlined, she will see through them, or question my intentions. We are still faced with having the source of her addiction living next door. His car is so loud that we both are always aware when he arrives or leaves. The irony of the situation is that recently he has spent a few nights away, not coming home all night, and now she has fears that he is cheating on her!!! This is even though he has stated his disinterest in pursuing anything more with her until "she has a chance to work on her marriage" (this is what she saiys he said). She has also been very sad lately and going through the grieving of the relationship. Although she said he is being "so cruel" by stopping contact so abrubtly. She says he "should let me down more gently"!! I have thought to ask him in a letter to consider removing himself from the situation, rather than having us move, since he is only boarding there with his grandparents. Am I totally nuts to consider this in light of his supposed wanting us to give the marriage a chance? We have lived in our home for 17 years, and have made many changes and improvements at great expense, as well as developing strong roots. I own my own business that I have spent 12 years developing, but it would be difficult to liquidate or sell at this time, because of debt and downturns in sales. I know that this pales in comparison to salvaging our marriage, but I have wondered if it could work if he moved. The obvious downside would be if he still came for visits, etc. My wife is still in a mode of thinking that "someday with enough time he could become our friend"!! So there it is. I need advice. I also need to thank those who have answered my posts in the past. They have been a source of strength and comfort to me on difficult days. Thanks!!!<P>BrokenH

I am one of the few that feels this way but I feel we have a responsibility to contact OP: below is an article by a Christian counselor on The Simple Scoop on Boundaries<BR>By Henry Cloud, Ph.D.<BR>Limiting Evil<BR>One of the other aspects of boundaries that is important is the limiting effect upon evil. Remember, because God does not control people, they are, in a certain way, free to be evil. He does not make them be good. He limits His sovereignty and control in some ways that we do not totally understand. But, even though He allows them to be evil, He limits the effects of their choices. He exercises limits on the effect that their choices will have on Him, His church, the world, etc.<P>He has also given us this duty, to limit the effect that evil choices that people make can have on life. One of the best examples of that is in Matthew 18:15-18. It is the role of us to take a stand and “bind” evil as it presents itself. Read Psalms 101 for a great description of how David thought about the things that must be bound so that the evil of others would not “cling” to him.<P>In addition, He wants us to limit the effect that the evil is having on their life as well. He wants us to restore those who get “caught up,” by evil. We are to put boundaries on the cancer that is destroying them and be redemptive in their lives. (Gal. 6:1)<P>God is about Life. He is about restoring good things. And to do that, evil things must be held in check and transformed. He has given us many tools to perform this function of the salt that seasons the earth:<P>Truth and Commands <BR>Confrontation <BR>Rebuke <BR>Exhortation <BR>Forgiveness <BR>Group Intervention <BR>Consequences <BR>Discipline <BR>Restoration <BR>Limit Setting <BR>Separation <P>These are some of the processes that God has told us to do that limit and restore evil. And, they work. The problem is that we do not exercise our control and responsibility to do these things in our significant relationships, the church, and the world at large. <P>Now to respond to your email: face to face is NOT a good idea. and you should write your letter with NO EXPECTATIONS of any kind of response from him. Also I wouldn't ask him to move - he may stay to be revengeful. You don't know who you are dealing with so be careful what you say - if he is a psycho you could start a lifelong battle. <P>Here is the email I sent to OW after H sent her an email breaking all forms of contact.<P>OW,<BR>H sent you an email that said he has hurt some<BR>people by continuing an inappropriate relationship<BR>with you. H is a grown man and he is responsible<BR>for his own actions but you did play a part in it. My<BR>God says to love you and bless you and pray for you. <BR>Although I am mad at you I will pray you will never<BR>have to go through the pain and heartbreak that my<BR>family is experiencing now. I did feel like I had a<BR>responsibility to share my heart because me and my<BR>kids are real people with real feelings and real hurt.<BR>W<P>She never responded. <P>I hope this helps. <BR>

Broken,<P>I would suggest that you not contact OM. Why bring him into the rebuilding of your marriage. The issues you need to address are between you and your W. Having him part of your conversations or hers is not good.<P>I suspect that he is very uncomfortable around you. I would make sure that you do make eye contact with him when the two of you are in contact. But, as for saying something to him, I wouldn't unless he starts to approach your W or does something to cross your boundaries.<P>Work on the marriage. He wasn't the problem, he was the result.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Broken, Is moving completely out of the question? Remember what I told you before? Just seeing him or the thought of possably seeing him on a daily basis is going to kill you. Your life as you knew it gone. Things are going to be very different now and by removing yourselves from that place will be the best thing you could do to begin recovery in my honest opinion. Your wife is in the fog still. There is no way I could ever be friends with OM. No way no how. If moving is out of the question, in very few words, I would tell him "you better be packing your bags and hittin the road Jack" He is already scared of you, I'll bet that the sight of you makes him feel like S**t. The less you tell him, the more it will drive him crazy, not knowing what you are thinking about him.<BR>Keep posting, you will get good advise here. <P>Good luck, <BR>Stillhurts

I am the lone desenter here. If you have your objectives clerly defined, I say do confront him. I did this with OM and this is what enabled me to uncover the initial lies. I think getting the truth is very important and if you want it, you should get it. Furthermore, you are definately entitled to no more contact, and in your situation, no contact would be extremely difficult if he remains next door. On the other hand, if they want to continue seeing each other, they will no matter where he moves to. If he remains next door, it will at least be easier to monitor some of his comings and goings a little easier.<BR>Sorry if this message comes across with a little scepticism.