I have been reading topics and responses on the MB site for several weeks and I can't tell you what a Godsend it has been for me. Knowing that I'm not the only one experiencing the pain and humiliation of a WS has given me much needed perspective on my situation. I thought, however, that it was time to make my contribution to see if anyone had any words of wisdom and maybe discussing my situation might help someone else. Here is a recap. My W and I have been together 17/14 (no children). As usual I thought that I was giving my W everything that she wanted and needed but did realize that she had been unhappy with her life for the last several years. I passed it off to a mid-life re-evaluation of herself and where she expected to be at this point. She never indicated any sort of problem with us, just with her place in the world. Evidently, I was blind to the signs of trouble. Our d-day was late June. She had been involved with OM since early May (a co-worker). Needless to say, I was devastated. In minutes, my world came crashing down around me. I had been totally devoted to my W for so many years and this is what I got in return. I cycled through all of the emotional phases; Anger, denial, bargaining, accpetance, etc. After reading Surviving Infidelity I tried Plan A with her living at home while the A continued. As hard as I tried to be the loving and supportive H it killed me to see her continue to lie to me about going to OM each day and most evenings/weekends. After about a month of this Plan A-type arrangement I told her that she had to move out of the house. I couldn't stand watching the A take place almost right before my eyes. I made it clear at that point what I needed from her: If she wanted to reconcile she would have to end the A totally and completely (i.e no contact at all) and be prepared to totally re-commit to fidelity and to us. I would settle for nothing less. She went ahead and moved in with her parents. She planned to get an apartment but that fell through and instead decided to take some time to travel and get away. After returning from her trip we had a series of long and brutally honest talks. Despite my discomfort with much of the subject matter the talks were the best conversations we had had together in years. During these meetings she indicated that she had discovered what made her happy and what she needed out of life, very little of which included or required me. She indicated that she still loves me but is unable, yet, to re-commit to us. Those BS out there know the feeling of total rejection and humiliation of these words. She apparently has ended the A with the OM. She says that she wants to come back but will not, as I asked, until she is ready for total committment. She is currently devoting her emotional energies towards regaining her committment to us. It just kills me to think that after all these years that she has to convince herself that committing to me and our marriage is a good idea. Again, how humiliating. I continue with Plan A but she is not living with me. We are more or less dating at this point and are trying to just re-learn how to be friends again. We seem to be back to enjoying each other's company and she has even spent the night with me a few times but without any intimacy. I still love her more than anything in the world and hope and pray to God that she will re-commit. I feel like we are making progress but the waiting is killing me. I have no idea what will happen next. Does anyone have any comments or suggestions.

StillHangingInThere:<P>Just wanted to let you know I read your post. I feel for you and have no major words of wisdom..other than....follow your heart with a clear head. I know easier said than done.<P>It's getting late for me...gotta turn in (alone).<P>I'll be on tomorrow.

Thanks very much, Louser, for reading my topic and for the reply. The thing that I have tried to maintain throughout has been a clear mind and my self respect. Weekly therapy sessions have been invaluable. Over time I have come to realize, however, that no one besides myself has any real answers to my problems. Its so frustrating to face the fact that nothing I can do or say will convince my WS to love me and come back to me. It's entirely up to her. I often times wonder if she will ever come out of the fog enough to realize how much I care for and love her. She has said that she is now reading Dr. Harley's Surviving an Affair, a copy, by the way, that I gave her. She seems to be making an effort to re-connect but I wonder if the magic will ever return for her. I'm trying my best to be a loving "H" but it's so incredibly frustrating to not be seeing any results. Maybe my fears are unfounded but I'm afraid that the longer her current emotional state of being non-committal runs on that my chances are diminishing.<P>Every few days I have stepped back and taken a good look at the last few months and it amazes me what I have gone through emotionally and that I have managed to survive. I'm pretty proud of myself. I've taken the time to re-examine myself, my life, and my emotional needs. I've learned a tremendous amount about myself these past three months. One thing that I now know is that when this is all over I'm going to make someone a pretty damn good husband and partner! I just hope that that someone turns out to be my W.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by StillHangingInThere:<BR><B>Maybe my fears are unfounded but I'm afraid that the longer her current emotional state of being non-committal runs on that my chances are diminishing.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Not as long as you keep your love for her alive and she can clearly see your commitment to her through your patient efforts? Isn't that worth something? HECK YEAH! And in the meantime, keep up your good work, self-improvement, learning and growing like you have been doing! Take good care of yourself! Treat yourself to something special that you enjoy! Keep loving yourself enough to keep improving. Pray for yourself every day & for your wife. And, I hate to disappoint you but, the only way to get more patience is to W A I T... <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR><B>One thing that I now know is that when this is all over I'm going to make someone a pretty damn good husband and partner! I just hope that that someone turns out to be my W.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>MEEEEE TOOOOO!!!!! <BR>

Waiting is hard but worth it. My H who is 43 was in a very EA/PA affair with a single coworker- I found out about it on Valentines day. We've been married 15 yrs. He said he didnt know if he wanted our marriage or not and broke it off with OW and then on again with her many times over the next couple months.I stayed in plan A at first then asked him to move out for awhile which he did. Then he filed for divorce on me due to pressure from OW to do it and then he seemed to snap and realize what he was doing and cancelled it thank God. After that he ended things with OW again then went thru a several month depression where he still refused to kiss me or be intimate. I figured our marriage would probably end no matter what about the affair. But he said he needed time for his feelings for me to come back. Humiliating? you bet but I used my Christian faith to persevere. Now we are in 2mo into marriage counseling and our love life is better than ever.NO way was I giving up 15 yrs of marriage over 6 months of confusion. I decided to rely on God's plan and timetable for our lives not on the time frame I wanted. That made all the difference. Take care lifeismessy PS emotional affairs take a long time to wear off!

Dear Still,<BR>I know the waiting and wondering is the hardest part. The counseling you are in is the best thing you can do for yourself. Honestly, I think that your W is doing the best thing by not coming home until she is sure she can recommit to your marriage. My H came home in July after having been out of the house since March. His A started in December, 2000. I believed him when he said he was committed to our marriage. However, he was also committed to OW and I have found him in lie after lie since he's come home. He went so far as to write the "no contact" letter twice. However, after finding out his lies this week, he finally told me that once the letters were mailed, he called the OW and told her he didn't mean what was in them and not to believe them. She mailed the second one back to me, unopened. Believe me when I say, I think it hurts MORE when you have your hopes up, they move home supposedly "committed" to you and your marriage, and then it turns out to be a lie. He told OW that he moved home because we were broke and I was having trouble with our children (17, 15, 15) on my own. He has never told OW that they have no future together, although he's told ME that he knows he has no future with her. I am at a crossroads right now, in that I still want my marriage, but I can no longer believe a word that comes out of my H's mouth. Just last night I told him that I needed him to leave and go live with his sister for a while. For the last month, he's maintained that he's had no contact with OW. Just last Wednesday, I found out (by checking his cell phone) that he was lying again. He's still talking to her; can't seem to let her go. I wish he'd never have come back in the first place. This has been 2 months of hoping, then being hurt all over again. If you can, pray for patience. Plan A is about working on you and getting stronger and becoming the person YOU want to be. It's so that you'll be strong even if your W doesn't come back. None of us wants to see the end of our marriages. I will pray for you to have patience and for your W's fog to lift. Take care...<P>MOM

First of all I want to thank louser, BINthereDunthat, lifeismessy, and Myownme for responding with your wonderful words of encouragement. I continue to be amazed and the openness and generosity that the people on this site show towards those in trouble. You all seem to be displaying the same sentiment; if I still love my wife and if I still want her back then I have to be patient and give her the time that she needs. It's so hard bcause I love her so much and want her back so badly that I keep thinking that if I only did more that I could win her back or that how could she not want to come back to someone who loves her this much. I'll continue to pray each night for patience and strength. At the same time, however, I find myself feeling emotions towards her at both ends of the spectrum. On one hand I love her so much and desperately want her to come back to me. On the other hand I'm angry with her over what she has done and I'm terrified that the lying and the hurt will start all over again. It's all very confusing. I guess that for now, I have to keep focused on Plan A, being a good friend and "husband", and hope for the fog to lift.

I know, I know. Love is not supposed to hurt. Sometimes we believe that if we can just prove our love that somehow we will convince the other person... BUT, think about it... Because only you can determine when you cross that line of healthy vs. unhealthy, Plan A and beating your head against a brick wall. Sometimes we cannot convince someone else of our love. They have to experience a few jerks down the line in order to realize what they lost, then it's too late for real. Hopefully, your wife will see the light of your love before it burns out completely.<P>Until then, while you still have a lot of healthy love and forgiveness, hang in there and you will feel great knowing that you gave your 100% in the end.<P>There are so many success stories on this site! I believe you can find them in Just Found Out. Go see! Be encouraged even more!

See<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A><P>for LOTS of good reading...

I need help with this one gang. My W has indicated that she is feeling increasingly uncomfortable living out of a suitcase from her parent's house. She says that she is considering getting an apartment while she continues to work out her issues. The reason that I asked her to move out of the house in the first place was because the A was still ongoing and she was lying to me on a daily basis about it. As of about 10 days ago she says that she ended the A. However, I can't be sure. My fear is that her moving to an apartment will simply delay and prolong the re-committment process even further. My question is, should I offer to let her move back into our house as long as the A has ended? I'm so torn. On one hand her being in the house with me would offer me the opportunity to be a loving friend and husband every day. On the other hand I can't imagine the devastation I would feel if she was in the house every day and the A and the lying started up again. Do I let her go on this one or do I take the chance to have her close to me every day? I suspect that this is sort of the same question I would face is she ever decides to re-commit. In other words, do I take her back and try to rebuild our trust in each other or ask her to stay away until I feel that it's safer.

StillHangingInThere,<BR>I've not got much to say, but I hope you are feeling encouraged with the other responses you have had.<P>I guess I would echo a few words I have read on here in other threads.<P>* Don't expect too much, too soon<BR>* Don't come over pushy - I know this is harder said than done<BR>* Keep maintaining and displaying your plan A, remember they are looking for consistent change<BR>*Offer the "Welcome mat" home at any opportunity<P>Keep us updated. Best wishes,<P>mands<BR>

Is your W expressing that she is now committed to working on your marriage? Is she willing to write no contact letter? Or is she just getting tired of living at mom and dad's? I stress (again) proceed with caution. I and many others are here to tell you that you are right; it is DEVASTATING to have them come home, then find out they are still lying and still seeing OP. I feel WORSE than I did when my H was gone and I had more time to concentrate on ME and my kids. Now all I can seem to focus on is whether or not he's talked to HER today. Do you see my point? I thought through our separation that all I wanted was for him to come home. When he asked if he could, I really, really thought he was committing to me. I felt I "owed" him that chance. And today, I want him gone again because the pain is almost too much to bear. Please pray about this. Talk to your W and if you get ANY sense that she is not willing to do everything that you know is right towards recommitting to your M, it is not time for her to come home.<P>MOM