Well I know I haven't posted here for a while but WS and I have just pasted the 1 year anniversary. The relationship in general is going good and seems to get better as time goes by. Sex which was my biggest hang-up is still dysfunctional. I was honest with WS and told her I didn't want to make love to her anymore at the present time. This is not due to anything she is doing but rather my continual lack of self esteem. This has not destroyed what we have worked on and in some ways has allowed us to grow closer in other non sexual ways. That's my update for the first year of dealing with this H_LL. Hope all are doing well and can also find a way to hang on. I never thought I would be able to say it will get better but it does just keep trying.<P>------------------<BR>HealingnNC<P><BR>Sometimes I think that I was meant to experience all the things that I have experienced in my life just so I could be ready to love and be loved.

Hmmmm... "It's not you, it's ME?" and within the confines of marriage? OMGosh! What to do? What to DO?<P>You gotta try to snap out of this don't you think? Esp. if your wife has a need for sexual fulfillment??? Just curious...<P>It's good that you are able to become closer in other ways, but you must start feeling better about yourself somehow. Can you talk about what is making you dislike yourself so much? I mean, do you think your self-hatred is related to the affair or something else from your childhood? Do tell!<P>I would try to talk you into liking yourself better, but that has to come from inside of you, you know, you have to see yourself as valuable in God's eyes. After all, you're alive and breathing and living, right? Therefore, God has a purpose for your life! You ARE special!

Bin thank you for your response. My lack of self esteem has to do with the affair. Not to go into a lot of details since i did that a year ago in my original post but I had the unfortunate experience of having the whole affair on tape. Every word said and every joke made at my expense was burned into my mind. The biggest joke was how i could never make them feel the way the OP did in bed. So this is where my self-esteem issue lies.<BR><P>------------------<BR>HealingnNC<P><BR>Sometimes I think that I was meant to experience all the things that I have experienced in my life just so I could be ready to love and be loved.

Healing!<P>Good to hear from you. I glad that the dust is finally settling for you. Now your job is to concentrate on healing your self. Find a way to get past those hurtful things that you heard. You can not continue to internalize them. Are you still seeing a therapist? If not, do you think that one could help you get over your self-esteem issues?

I, like you, have just passed the one year date since D-Day. <BR>Yes, agree with you that it does get better with time. But, somethings as you said, things are just burned in.<BR>

Cleo it is good to see your post for you have been the one constant poster for me. I am trying to heal myself and have come a long way but some hurdles are higher than others and will take lots of practice passes before the jump is finally made. But as positive stated some things are just burned into the mind and take time to deal with if ever. I am continuing to try and will continue for as long as i can. My only concern is that WS will become frustrated and look elsewhere to fill her needs.<P>------------------<BR>HealingnNC<P><BR>Sometimes I think that I was meant to experience all the things that I have experienced in my life just so I could be ready to love and be loved.

Healing,<P>Around the 8 month mark, we (I) hit a major road block. I couldn't get past not being able to trust him even though he was doing everthing he could to earn trust. It is a slow process. I also was worried about his frustration level. What I came to realize through several lengthy discussions with him was that my fear was hindering our recovery. Not that it wasn't warrented but that it was time to move on. Yes, it is a risk in giving yourself over to your spouse once again. We must decide for ourselves if this relationship is worth the risk. If you answered yes then you must also know that there is the possibility of being hurt again. BUT - we are strong and will make it no matter what happens. <BR>You have been in the unortunate position of knowing far more details than most of us BS do. I am sorry for that. I don't expect those images to go away anytime soon. They can be dulled though. When I made the choice to take that leap of faith, with my H promising to make this right, I started to be able to let go of a lot of the fear I had been carrying around. Taking the leap is the hardest part! Push those images out of your head and make a go of it. Replace them with some of your newer more pleasant memories. You have to start making deposits in each others love banks so that you don't get back to the place where it was possible for her to have an affair.<BR>Let me know.<BR>Cleo