Hello all,<P>I am extremely down today. Yesterday, I found out about a secret email account that my W has. We are not living together, she supposedly stopped communications w/OM. I asked her for her password, but she refused. She said that if I don't like it then to go ahead and file for divorce. Today she called and said that the only thing left for us to do is divorce. She said that we could start over from scratch after that - no way! I have continued to bend and let my boundaries get trampled through this whole "recovery". But we have never really been in recovery. She has never given up the communications with OM and has continued to lie through the entire process. She says that it is my behavior (the reaction to being lied to and knowing that she is communicating with OM) that has hindered any chance of recovery.<P>I am extremely depressed. I have called my attorney and left a message.

Well you can pretty much conclude what you would've found in the email account.<P>Sorry SaC.<P>Take care of yourself.

Dear Sad,<BR>If your W wants the divorce so badly, why isn't SHE getting it? Why is it that they always want US to do the dirty work. I say, leave it; if she wants the D, LET HER DO THE WORK! Personally, I think she's still in a very thick FOG. Pray for direction from God. I think if you do not WANT a D at this point, you should NOT get one. Just my opinion.<P>MOM

I was just thinking the same thing as MOM. My h is in stalling mode on everuthing, yet he is the WS, he is the one who said he doesn't waht to be married, he is the one who won't give me information to move forward. Concusions? He either doesn't want to divorce, eh doesn't know what he wants, he wants ME to be the bad guy, or he is just a B*****D!.

Oh so much conflict inside me. I would love to work this out, but I am not really sure that it is workable. My MIL, who has supported me all along, says that I cannot continue to bend and let my W walk all over me. She spoke with her daughter (my W) this morning. My W was very ugly with my MIL, accusing her of abandoning her. My MIL also told me that there is really nothing to save and that as much as she wishes otherwise , that I really must proceed and move on with my life and make new friends, including other women. She then said, "would you really want W if she cannot commit and is always going to take advantage of you?"<P>Now I am starting to think that maybe I am obsessed with my W and that is why I am afraid to move on. Or maybe I am afraid that I cannot find someone else (which is a major concern of mine). I am so lost right now. I truly don't know what to do. It just feels like there is nothing left for me anywhere.

(((SAD))) I SO feel what you are feeling right now. I DON'T know what to do either. I LOVE my H. I HATE what my H is continuing to do to us. I feel like somedays I'm only holding on because I'm fearful of what's ahead for me if he's not in my life. I told my counselor yesterday that I don't think it's a fear of being alone; it is more a fear that I can't see my life without my H. I simply cannot see it. Whether it's denial, fear, or (and this is the option I WANT) that God still wants to heal my marriage, I just cannot make the decision to move on without my H. We are here for you. We understand and share your pain.<P>MOM

MOM, thank you. I know I am not the only one. I also know that this is not the first time through this whole mess that I have felt like this. But it is the first time in probably 5 months and it doesn't feel any different the second time. I wonder why it is I still think I love my W. She is certainly not the same person that I fell in love with nor is she the same person I loved a year ago. She treats me with total disrespect and lies to me and knowingly hurts me emotionally, yet I am completely heartbroken nevertheless. I just can't see any future for me whatsoever. Maybe its because I never dated much before my W and have always believed that women would never see much in me and that I was so incredibly lucky to have a woman I loved, love me as well. Oh god I am starting to ramble. I'm sorry. I just don't see much in the way of a future right now for me w/o my W. I will likely only get to see my children every other weekend and once during the week. It hardly seems fair. I have always lived for my family and now I have no family.

Dear SAD,<P>I definitely agree with MOM! So far I have not had to deal with a lot of anger (where is it?) mostly because I can see how much I contributed to the WS being vulnerable to an A. BUT what makes me see red is that WS would like me to make the decision about the big D! I don't want one and that is final. WS wants to be able to say, "well S filed, what could I do?" I am not going to do it! (So this is part of why I have not set very many boundaries yet. I have to set boundaries with consequences that I actually WILL follow through on. I figure I'm allowed to take some time to figure this out.)<P>I tell you, if you file you have fewer options. I have not yet done complete research on this, but it appears that in my state, if I wait and let the WS file (hopefully it won't get this far, but it could), and I state my opposition to a divorce, the court will not proceed with D until WS has gone to MANDATORY counseling. This may be the only way WS will agree to any counseling, and though WS probably won't respond well to it when forced, a good counselor may get through some of the FOG. I can't, because I have sworn off of the educating LB, and WS isn't listening to my words now anyway. (Hopefully my actions are sending a message.)<P>from sad: "Today she called and said that the only thing left for us to do is divorce."<P>Well, that is showing lack of imagination (common to people in fog.). Try to think of some other options, the crazier the better!<P>from sad: "She says that it is my behavior (the reaction to<BR>being lied to and knowing that she is communicating with OM) that has hindered any chance of recovery."<P>Hindered is not the same as completely killing. See if she can point to specific behaviors that hinder chances and try to eliminate them.<P>You are not alone!<P>

Bgentle,<P>I know what you are saying - semantics. However, hindered is my word. She used a word like destroyed. <P>S&C