To Everyone:<BR>The letters above are supposed to stand for: Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I'm not sure that's the politically correct term for it these days, but that's what it is. And I believe we are ALL suffering from it.<P>Post after post I read is from good, hard-working (on their marriages) BS's who are literally "throwing in the towel" after months, and in some cases maybe years, of trying. This is distressing to me, and indicates a disturbing trend. I come here looking for comfort, kind words, a glimpse of hope, etc. I was just considering going to "Notable Threads" in the Archives section because everything written here in the last few days is very dark, sad, resigned, and UNhelpful. It's not an indictment of you all, just trying to point something out to everyone who feels that "giving up" is the only course of action left (I feel that way, too). <P>Please, please, people, let's don't do anything permanent while in this state of mind. Heck, we can all see that the events of earlier in the week are affecting us....there's nothing ELSE on TV except "WTC Tragedy." <P>Now, don't misunderstand, I'm just as appalled as the next American, and saddened. I'm just trying to make all of you see that you are suffering, perhaps something similar to PTSS. Please DON'T make any life-changing decisions (such as filing d. papers on your WS) while in this mental condition. We must ALL work through this emotional drain as well, BUT when this is added to what we are ALREADY suffering, it almost seems like our WS's should "see the light" and step right up to the plate and DO THE RIGHT THING! I know that's what *I* thought mine would do! Nope. When they don't (or can't - dont' forget, they are watching and feeling all this, too), we are (I am) seeing them as "uncaring, unfeeling, obviously *moved on*, and blind or mean-spirited, spiteful, hateful, takers,"<P>None of this might be true. We are ALL under tremendous stress because of our marital conditions. When you add the stress this tragedy has put on us as a nation, I think it would be ABNORMAL for us NOT to feel more disillusioned than normal. BUT don't wreck your life over it just yet. <P>I'm not trying to flame anyone, and this post isn't directed at anyone in particular. I've been on here literally for hours looking for one positive thing. All I see is despair and hopelessness. I'm just trying to help everyone see why that might be. It helps me to realize that might be why I am feeling this way. I pray this helps us all get a grip on our feelings, and step back for a time, and give us space to grieve, heal and rest. We need it.<P>God Bless America,<BR>and us all.<P>Lupo<p>[This message has been edited by lupolady (edited September 14, 2001).]

<P>great post lupo. thank you. I agree.

Hi Lupo just wanted to say it does seem like a lot of people are giving up, my decision was made before the sad events in the USA but i must say all that sadness and grief mkes me feel that what i thought was suffering was nothing in comparison to the suffering of your fellow countrymen.<BR>In my case i just felt our M our kids and our life mean nothing to my H he is so besotted with OW, after 15 months of lies and indifferance i just had enough. <BR>If i thought there was a chance i could save our M i would but i could not keep getting no responce.<P>------------------<BR>lizzle<BR>The hardest thing to do is watch the person you love love someone else<p>[This message has been edited by lizzle (edited September 14, 2001).]

lizzle:<P>I sure hope you know this post was NOT directed at you! It was simply an observation based on my own thoughts, actions, feelings, etc. of the last 4 days.<P>I truly don't feel like going on one more minute myself. I feel like packing up all his CRAP that is still here, and mailing it to him, OR selling it. This is based on my own thoughts and reactions to every trigger I encounter. I think my post just describes where we all probably are right now.<P>I'm very sorry for your situation, and wish I had some magic potion to change all this. I don't. I know you don't either, or you wouldn't be at the point you are at. I understand. <P>Lupo

Lupo<BR> I am 1 of those people you talk about . There are times when my wife will not talk, our kids are bummed , every thing i try to say sets everything back by weeks . I am a wreck. I look at that and I ask myself for what? I get no peace with any part of this . My wife said the other day that she understands my intentions and its very noble . Noble ! Im doing this because I love you . <BR>It is tough , when you read other post you see that the hard stuff hasnt started yet , not until you start to reconstruct . And at times you gotto ask yourself is it worth it . Im still here and Im still trying to do it right , hard work doesnt scare me , but this damn emotional roller coaster kicks my a## . You could be having a good day and bamm your down and just as bad as the first day you found out . If it werent for the emotions this would be easey. well sort of .<BR> Lupo You have helped me alot . I would of quit awhile ago <BR>if I didnt have you folks to run to . Thats my reason for being so negative at times.

I agree Lupo. This weeks event were for a lack of a better word were tragic and I felt that maybe this would some how make my H come to his senses about what's really important but did it? Nope. we are still here in limbo land and I'm still struggling and trying to hang in there like the rest of you. What I wanted was for my H to come home give me a big hug and tell me he loved me and everything was going to be okay. Didn't get any of that. So to you lupo and everyone else. I know there seems to be nothing to be hopeful about but our problems are nothing compared to those poor families who have lost there loved ones or whose loved ones are still missing. God Bless.<BR>cybil

<B>It is tough , when you read other post you see that the hard stuff hasnt started yet , not until you start to reconstruct . And at times you gotto ask yourself is it worth it . Im still here and Im still trying to do it right , hard work doesnt scare me , but this damn emotional roller coaster kicks my a## . </B><P>CB,<BR> Hang in there, my friend. I KNOW it's hard. The hardest thing I have ever done. And I'm NOT in recovery yet, either!! Just "hanging in there" with WS out there somewhere is hard. It IS the ultimate rejection. I think rejection is a human's most fundamental EN. Therein lies all the hurt for this betrayal.<P>Feeling somehow like "we're not worth anything" to anybody...it does hurt. It hurts like HE!! And to KNOW that our WS's deliberately CHOSE someone else to REPLACE us!!! But as some people on these boards keep saying (and I'm glad they do, cause maybe I'm finally ready to LISTEN) - IT AINT ABOUT US!!! It's about our WS's. It's THEIR problem. We need to calm down, and QUIT making it about "US." That's why we stay focused on OUR pain, and feel sooooo low so much of the time. When I get my focus OFF myself for a time, I DO feel better! Try it, CB. You CAN get through this.....you will.<P>Lupo

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cybil:<BR><B>we are still here in limbo land and I'm still struggling and trying to hang in there like the rest of you. What I wanted was for my H to come home give me a big hug and tell me he loved me and everything was going to be okay. Didn't get any of that. <P>I know there seems to be nothing to be hopeful about but our problems are nothing compared to those poor families who have lost there loved ones or whose loved ones are still missing.<BR>cybil</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks, Cybil.<BR>You hit it right on the head. This IS the point, isn't it? WE wanted them to WANT to comfort US....we WANTED to know that they still value US somewhere deep down inside..... that they thought of US as we thought of them in this sad time.<P>But still we know they can't admit that, to themselves, to us, or anyone else, even if it IS what they are thinking.<P>Second point I wanted to comment on from your post: Our pathetic WS's and what they have done to their lives, AND OURS, truly is *NOTHING* compared to the suffering that thousands of families are doing this week after this tragedy. It's amazing what it will take to get us to really SEE something in perspective, isn't it?<P>I heard a commentator (on local radio, I think) talking about how AMericans are so USED to their conveniences, their dislike of long lines, impatience of traffic, etc. This weeks' events really make one take a good hard look at ourselves, and see ourselves for what we really are....not what we SHOW the world. BUT what we REALLY are.....are we "selfish, greedy, impatient, unloving, detached, unkind, emotionally bankrupt?" I know in a lot of ways, this A has shown me those deficiencies in myself. <P>While I am going a long way to fix those things that were wrong with my personality, I was TRYING to focus on how UNFAIR it was. I WAS DOING ALL THE WORK!!! My WS wasn't perfect, but he was "out there" having a HAIL of a good time, whooping it up with his OW, spending money like a drunken sailor and life was good!! WOOHOO!!! And he wasn't giving ONE MINUTE's thought to how SELFISH he was being!!<P>BUT after Tuesday, I can't believe there is ANYONE alive who isn't taking stock of themselves and their lives, and making life-changing discoveries and decisions.<P>It truly DOES put everything into its proper perspective. Whatever my WH is doing or NOT doing, is his to consider with HIS maker. That's what I've had to do. It's time for all of us to see life for what it really is, and how fleeting it could be. This made me also realize that I WHINE too much!! It could be a lot worse! I could have been in NY that day. Or somewhere else where tragedy might have struck. NONE of us is immune. It's just providence putting us (or disaster) where we are or aren't at any given moment in time.<P>It was time for me to grow up a little bit more this week. And I have, I hope.<P>Lupo

Lupo<BR> The night I woke about 2 am. and laid there and thought about why I am such a wreck , I finally realized that she my WS does not need me anymore , The things that I would do <BR>for her she has done else ware by who it doesnt matter.<BR> Yesterday she came here with her car and said it had a problem I noticed that she had the oil changed by some one else ( I always took care of that ) I checked it over found out her problem and fixed it I also noticed the repairs she had done else ware were not complete , I showed them to her<BR>and she got this sad look on her face and said , you know iI know nothing about cars.Im rambling , sorry. Also my 2 teenage kids who are also devastated by the A come to me for security and answers which I do encourage I am here for them and always will,they trust in that . What im trying to say it with knowing that she doesnt need me and the 2 kids with their anger , lack of respect for her , makes it hard to pull my a## out of the hole that I have dug for myself . What those folks say about its the WS problem is 100 % correct. After reading your post I felt good it is their problem . Now if I can keep that in my mind I should be good. Thanks ,You got my permission to give me a reality kick when ever it sounds like Im sinking , thanks

Makes perfect sense. Thanks lupo

Hi again, Lupo. Just adding to your thread--think you already know me sort of as you have been kind in answering a few of my posts.<P>Just for the sake of others who are discouraged this is one WS now in recovery reporting. I have lost track but guess I am nearing 7 mos since d-day--yeah, 7 mos Sept 15!<P>And happy to let you know someone is in recovery. It's still tough. H brought up a couple painful things this wkd that felt like a kick in the stomach to me but I did do the things he mentioned...he realized immediately how hurt I felt since we have both worked like crazy to improve our M and he has been the one to encourage me to put the past away and move on with life.<P>My heart goes out to all who are in pain whether WS, BS or whoever...every moment counts and you need to decide to live it to the fullest...BS, try not to give up on Ws---just tonight an old friend who had at least 4 As that I know of told me she has returned to her H---I think she has been messed up for about 10 years and he sort of forced her back but she is seeing the good in it. She is not back yet in her heart as he told her NO MORE MEN besides him and she is still sneaking phone calls to her last OM but I think she is going to get out of fog soon...sure hope so.<P>I hope no one need wait 10 years and would hardly recommend it but hey, there must be some hope. (I don't know what like multiple As are like and not sure how far one should extend forgiveness--H tells me once is all he's allowing me and I say never again!) <P>Whether you are American or wherever you are in the world tonight, it's time to hope and believe...some have terribly difficult decisions to make...if your situation involves abuse, get out for your safety and your kids...but if there is a glimmer of hope, may recovery be shared and your M restored.<P>My heart is with our American friends tonight. <P>Thanks Lupo for another great thread<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

No kidding, Lupo!<P>I often find your posts very helpful to read. My mom said on Tuesday that we will all have to watch our stress levels now because of the disaster. She doesn't know about WS so has no clue how much stress I am under - and I am having physical symptoms now, hives and so on. What to do?? I guess I'll try some Benadryl.<P>I am not ready to give up, even though I took a GIANT step backward Saturday (lost some of the trust of my WS.) WS is still in the fog too much to know how much of My trust has been lost. <P>I had to do a lot of self-talk lately. As in: "I am growing up for my benefit and in response to God's love. If it saves my marriage, that is frosting on the cake. I must be aware that I can not control WS actions and thoughts. I choose to respond with love to WS actions, even if it hurts." But I need a vacation...

<B>"I am growing up for my benefit and in response to God's love. If it saves my marriage, that is frosting on the cake. I must be aware that I can not control WS actions and thoughts. I choose to respond with love to WS actions, even if it hurts." </B><P>Wow!!! BGentle... thanks for sharing... I love that!!! sigh.... one more bit of energy for me....

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