I'm new to this site, happened to stumble upon it and was very interested because of reading the HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS book after 'things' happened in my marriage... I wondered if anyone can give me some insight on my situation-I'm so stressed right now and going crazy...<P>Briefly here is a shortened version of my story... My H and I met on internet after we both were divorces.. we understood each other and shared same hopes and dreams.. after talking for 4 months we met and it was "love at first site" anyway.. a year later we were married... he is in the army so I gave up my job and moved away (something that he would rather me wait because a month and half later he was deployed to Kosovo)... We knew he was being deployed and I wanted to be around the base, around OUR stuff. About 1 1/2 week before he left he began withdrawing himself from me and we were fighting.. I realized this was his way of dealing with the upcoming separation, but being newly married I suppose many of of emotional needs not met.. I did something awful and wrong and kissed his best friend before he left.. a friend that I was very close to.. during the course of the 6 months I didn't say anything to him about this given the fact him being overseas and upset with being gone.. I talked to the friend but it went on ONLY as friends nothing was said about what had happened..<P>While he was gone I get a call from an old girlfriend looking for him.. We talked and were friendly to each other I gave her his address and they emailed again. She was going through tough abusive relationship and he called her. He was honest about this and I was very ok about it.. I trusted him and her. It began to get were he would talk more and more with her and I said things about it. When he got back the phone calls continue and I get the bill from when he was gone that was 300 dollars! I could not understand why she would call everynight. When we went home on his leave he kept wanting to see her without me which upset me and he said I was being unfair, that he would not want me fighting with her (which I am NOT that kind of person-- I just simply wanted to met her) WHen he got home the sex and affection was hardly existent which I thought strange becasue of him being gone..in the meantime his friend was there for me to talk to and joke around with while my H was causing fights with me.. Eventually, the BF and I became involved and led to sexually relationships--he was meeting my emotional needs. A month later my H ends up doing the same with his "friend" that he had contact with again... He came home and suspected my affair, questioned us and of course denied it.. (big mistake) it finally came out, and because of the army the BF got in serious trouble.. my H dragged me to the Chaplain where he gave us the book to read... my H was angry and couldn't understand... I still didn't know of his affair until week half later when he told me but in a way that he pretened it didn't really happen...We both came to terms about that I was not meeting his needs when he came home because he had gotten close to her again and in return that put me in the arms of the BF that was saying the right things and meeting my need for affection and conversation.. his thing is he couldn't get over the before he left--which is something i have a hard time understanding why i did it also...<P>To sum this all up... he went back and fourth wanting to be with me from April-June... at times he wanted us and others no, he couldn't trust me and had no faith... it bothered me when he would say things that I did worse then he did (yes i know that's true but it's like he doesn't see that what he did also hurt me) He re-enlisted the end of May, at the time he did it so we could move to calif. and start a new life just me and him... we were both excited... for the month of June he was at a school and was very excited at first but then off and on... we were scheduled to leave the 15th of july to our new base... he finally decided "yes, i want u with me" then 2 days before he said no and then yes again... so i agreed to come out here and see what happens, as long as he agrees to try... We talked about counseling together, martial arts classes together, etc... since we've been here he hasn't worn his ring and i have a separate bdroom with my stuff but sleep with him still...<P> We have had our angry outbursts.. on my part because my needs are not met... he tells me he isn't in love me anymore but he still loves me and cares about me.. but he wants to move on with his life and not be married to me anymore..but then he will turn around and ask me to stay longer with him... get upset and cries on my shoulder... snuggles with me a night but then the next day says he doens't want to be married... at times he also slips and talks about something like a house together.... <P>I want to do counseling with him but he says why bother because he knows how he feels--he doens't want to be married... I tell him then please don't act the way he does if he doesn't... I know he still loves me or he wouldn't act the way he does and tells me still he loves me... I'm so confused... my questions are...<P> 1) In your opnion, AM I wasting my time trying so much at something that is impossible? (I do not talk to the BF anymore and only want to work things out with my H) WE shared something so wonderful, and it's so ironic that these last 2 months out of our first year is the first time we have lived together in same house because of deployment and then him going back and forth to barracks...<P>2) Should I leave for a while like he wants me to or would it be better to stay and try to work this out with him... maybe even try the phone counseling before I leave?<P>I'm soo stressed and confused about his on and off again... we will have a great week and then one night bam it changes... sorry this is so long.. thank you to those who read these... your help will be very very greatly appreciated... thanks<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by patientlyconfused (edited September 15, 2001).]
