Wow, I see everyone talking about their in-laws, and that's what I am sort of dealing with.<BR>Now that I have got everything off my chest, and nothing to hide. We are dealing with more issue's and a 2nd D-Day now.<P>It's hard to find someone to talk to. I still haven't told my mother about my A's( but I think she has an idea). SEM has told his mother, father and now his brother. Most of is wasn't by his choice, just something they would say and he would have to metion it.<BR>He told some of his friends, and co-workers, again not by choice but something would rise and it came out.<BR>I told a few of my co-worker's that I trust, but it's so embarresing. And I am so ashamed.<P>Any way my question is do you tell any one what's going on in your M? Do you have any close friends to talk with? Do your in-laws or parents know what's going on? And how are they reacting to this?<BR>Please let me know. I am going insane, and feeling loney. Sherry

Keep Smiling,<P>How is your relationship with your parents? Were you close before your A happened? I was very close to my parents before my A happened. My parents know me very well and knew things were right in my marriage long before I did and before my A started. When I told them that my H and I were having major problems and that I had found someone else. They just told me that they loved me and wanted me to be happy. They never made any judgements about me, my H or the A. They love my H very much and didn't want us to divorce. They wanted us to work things out, but they didn't say that. They let me figure it out for myself.<BR>I also talked to a friend. She too didn't judge me, but just listened to me. She heard everything from how much I didn't love my H to how much I missed my H. She allowed me to just vent and open up.<BR>So Sherry, if you need someone to open up to who has been where you are, please write me at deblynne_45@yahoo.com<P>I will be happy to listen to you. To understand and not judge. We all need someone to listen to us.<P>If you have a close relationship with your mother, consider talking to her alone. Let her know your pain and what led up to your A. Let her know what you are doing now about things. If your relationship isn't close and you think she would forever look at you differently, than don't tell her.<BR>I know that some of those that my H talked with, now treat me as if I have a contagious disease, but that is just something I must deal with. I don't think I could stand to feel that way if it was my mother.<P>take care and write me if you want to.<BR>Debbie<P>------------------<BR>"I find the great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving. To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it ---- but we must sail, not drift nor lie at anchor." Oliver Wendall Holmes

dlm,<BR>My mother has always been distant from me, She has always hide stuff from me. We are close in love but that's it. My MIL is like the mother I never had, and I want to keep that relationship, but i fear that it won't happen now, nothing will ever be the same. I actully think I am closer to his family than my own.

Hi KS just wanted to let you know what i did as a BS, i kept it all hidden from my kids (17&15) my family and H family.<BR>I did confide in a few close and trusted friends, i suppose i worked on the theory if it blew over what they didint know couldent hurt them.<BR>But after 15 months of hell i decided that was it and kicked H out, i told kids and my Family but could not tell H family, i thought he should do that.<BR>But he decided to tell them we were apart as we were not getting along and he had seen OW once or twice!!!<BR>Anyway i wont have a bad word said about H by any of them on either side, but they are all 100% on my side and all loving and supporting me anyway they can.<BR>Ive asked them all not to try and talk H around as i think it will make it worse.<BR>I dont think he realises how many people he has hurt.<BR>Dont know if any of this will help you or not.<P>------------------<BR>lizzle<BR>The hardest thing to do is watch the person you love love someone else

KS,<BR>My inlaws know nothing as their opinion of me would change forever. My H talked to his closest friends. <P>Does your MIL wonder what is going on between you and her S.<BR>I have been reading the posts here from the two of you and would imagine there is quite a bit of tension in your home.<BR>Now it is up to you to show your husband how much you want to make your marriage work. It will be very hard work especially since he's not sure he loves you anymore. So what were the things that attracted him to you in the first place. <BR>Rebuilding trust is one of the hardest things to do. I'm very lucky. My H just went with what I told him. Which was the truth. I might add even if it took awhile to get there. He told me that he couldn't imagine his life without me. It has taken me 5 months to finally feel the same way. I can honestly say that I cannot imagine my life without him in it.<BR>I can understand where you are coming from, so please talk to me if you need to.<BR>Debbie<P>------------------<BR>"I find the great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving. To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it ---- but we must sail, not drift nor lie at anchor." Oliver Wendall Holmes

Keep Smiling,<BR>I'm the BS, and from the outset I said I would not tell any members of either family, and I know my W hasn't told her family.<P>After 4 weeks of "suffering" on my own I decided I needed to bounce a few ideas off someone, I spent a couple of weeks thinking of various people that I knew and weighed up the pro's and con's.<P>In the end I asked someone who I had worked with for a few years and who had left the company I worked at about 2 years ago. This person was an ex HR manager and also knew the W from when she worked at the company.<P>She hasn't judged either of us whilst I have discussed various issues with her, I sometimes feel I want to do or say things to my W, and will talk them through with my friend. It helps having a person who is far away not to be directly involved, BUT who knows all the details. <P>I have a couple of other friends who I also talk to, and I feel that they are missing part of the jigsaw puzzle, as they do not know about the affair.<P>Plenty of people have asked me if she is having an A, but I always reply not as far as I know. Like someone else on this board, odd that it may seem, I will not let anyone say anything negative about my W. Odd really considering what she has put me through...<P>And there's one more person who knows the full story, Steve Harley...<P>Hope this insight might help.<P>mands

mands,<P>That would be nice if my H could say "not that I know of". Instead he lets it out. I understand that he needs someone to talk to, but nearly his whole family knows what I did. I respect his family, and love them as my own. I want to have a good reputaion with them and now I fear I can't. Like I said No one in my family knows. I am not close to my father, in fact I don't really even care about him. My mother is nosey and has a very big mouth. I can imagine her being upset and her whole knowing what i did if I told her. My H agree completely with me.<BR>I think everyone valus there rep. and I feel like I have always struggled to keep a decent one and now it's shot.<P>Thanks for your in put. It does help. Thaks. Sherry

There are ups and downs to this. I am both a BS and WS.<P>Opinions that these people he is talking to have about you may change. Being that he told his family, well, this, I know, is making you feel embarrassed and ashamed. How can you go visit them knowing what they may be thinking about you is not positive?<P>I don't think SEM should have told them out of respect for your feelings. I also know that he needs to talk to someone cause he is so angry and hurt. As long as he is just sharing his feelings and not acting on any negative opinions, I think things will be fine. Same goes if the people he talks to are listening and not passing judgement, you know what I'm sayin? Those who pass judgement are the ones to worry about.<P>If it is hurting you, voice this to him. The Policy of Agreement......tell only those you both agree on and only together so they hear both your feelings on the matter.<BR>Also, only to those you can trust completely to handle the information with respect.<P>IMO, writing it down in a journal or just sharing it with one good, I MEAN G-O-O-D friend, is the best bet. Just talking it over with each other or coming on MB might be best too. Some parents are biased. They don't want their child getting hurt or doing the the hurting. It is their wisdom we search for even though some give more than enough.<P>Your feelings yo-yo when this kind of stuff happens. My best friend once told me, "you can only cry wolf so many times". Ever since then, I have only shared my thoughts with her, and one other good friend, my mother, my sister, on MB, with my H, and in my journal. I keep my actions to myself cause those change so much....For example, one day I say I am going to leave and the next day I talk like we'll be together forever. One day I bash him and the next I praise him. That kind of stuff I don't share with anyone but my journal. I never like to say things that disrespect my H or alter their thinking about him cause that doesn't help. <P>My choices are my responsibility. Opinions are acceptable as long as they are not judgemental. I just want their support in whatever I choose to do. Those who can do that are your true friends.<P>You are not alone in this, Sherry, and none of us are. God is always there and so are you. We are here too.<P>Ask him to respect your feelings and not tell them anymore cause that may alter their feelings toward you. If he respects your feelings, he will agree. Lord forbid, I hope he doesn't get defensive and LB. I don't want to scare you, but that maybe a possibility. You've got to try if you want it to change. <P>Hang in there((((KS)))) <BR>Clouds<BR>

KS,<P>Given all that you have said, may I offer you a suggestion. You say that you are close with your MIL? Also, she is aware of what is going on. So my recommendation would be to call her and ask her if she would mind if talked with her about all of this. Tell her you need her honest answer.<P>I think that she may be willing because you do want to see her son happy and you would like to be able to repair all of this and make the both of you happy. This is a topic that a MIL can get behind. I suspect that she wants to see both of you happy and married.<P>It might be a way to get some great advice. I know that you feel very down and bad. I also saw where SEM was sure he loved you any more. From all I have read here over the years this is a pretty normal response to this type of news. <P>You have been given good advice here, but I must repeat the BEST advice that can be offered. Time and Patience, T&P.<P>These two things coupled with your efforts will do more for your marriage than anything. There is no miracle cure, just T&P coupled with an honest attempt to rebuild the marriage.<P>Hang in there KS, this can be worked out.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Keep smiling,<P><BR>Everyone knows.<P>Even if they don't you can't do anything about it. I am the BS and some of my first counseling sessions were about trying to keep all this under control. All you can control is yourself and worrying about what others think is a waste of energy. <P>My W is very much like you. She has always had a lot of respect for my mom and is afraid of what will happen to their relationship. I can tell you that while my mom was disappointed she still loves my W and wants to see her happy. W and I are still having a lot of problems but I am proud that my wife is intent on rebuilding her self-respect and the relationships that were damaged because of the A. Just this morning my mom called and told me she was proud of my W because she(W) told her(M) she wants our kids to love and respect her. <P>KS, keep trying to build those relationships that are important to you. I know even if my marriage doesn't make it that I wouldn't want to get in the way of the relationship between my wife and any family members simply for the sake of our children. I'm sure you H feels the same way.<P><BR>who

INTHECLOUDS,<BR>SEM knows how I feel about him telling other's. I have told him before. He hasn't told them about the rest of the A's, he just told them that he found out more. That still hurts though.<BR>Thank you for your support. I know since d-day i have gotton alot closer to God, if ya know what I mean.<P>Just Learning,<BR>I don't know if I could ever talk it over with my MIL, Maybe in the future but not now. I am much to ashamed.I don't know if she would have any advice either. She is in her 3rd marriage. I do value her opion so maybe a lillte later I will be able to.<BR>Thank you for saying I give good advice, I love to hear that, I really do try to.<P>Who,<BR>I understand and agree that I shouldn't waste time and energy on what other's think. But this is my MIL we are talking about. I want to keep my relationship with her good, she is like in mother I never had. I have been with my H since I was 15, got married at 18, so she has taught me alot. I can even travel alove with her across the country. I was like the D she never had, and I hop to keep that relationship.<BR>Good luck to you and your W. tell here to stop by MB's and talk to me sometime. Sherry

KS,<P>I suspect you underestimate your MIL. If she is on marriage #3 she probably has some advice that might be of help. One thing I would do, and that is go to her and apologize. I am sure she is disappointed, but KS I suspect she still loves you like a daughter and an apology will help her as much as it would help you.<P>KS, you are not the scum of the earth. You have made some serious mistakes as you well know. Further, SEM has posted what bothers him so much about these new revelations. They why of these affairs is really bothering him because it would indicate that there is nothing he could do to help affair proof you marriage. Do you realize how helpless that makes him feel.<P>If you have to some understanding about what was going on in your mind during these events, it is time to begin to put the pieces together so that SEM has some idea that the past can be prevented. It is the only source of control he has.<P>In reality he has no control of your actions and never will. He senses this and that means he must rely on you to uphold your end of the marriage. Something you have failed to do previously. Have you changed? If so how? Why? Are you growing up? If so why? How? What do you think now that you didn't realize back then?<P>Are you seeing were I am going with this? He will have to come to some accomodation within his mind, about whether he can trust you to protect his heart. It will take time, but your own analysis can surely help his thinking. He will have to heal from the pain on his own. That is the hard part, you will not be able to really help this part. All you can do is be there. <P>So have patience. Be honest with yourself and SEM. Finally, have a talk with your MIL. She may be angry, she may be hurt, but what she needs to be more than anything is aware that you are truely sorry for hurting her son, and yes hurting her. Make sure she knows this. You cannot do more to change her thinking, but my guess it will help both of you very much.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>PS. KS you and SEM also need to realize something. You wee too young to get married, but you both are still very young. Your mistakes are very likely caused by youthful stupidity (I apologize but I don't know what else to call it.) You two are still maturing and you two can grow and mature together and make a great marriage.

Just learning,<P>No need to apologize. i do agree. I do think getting married has helpe din other ways though, for instance since we were never on our own, we can get along better.<P>Like I said I am still not quit ready to talk to her yet, plus they are out of town any ways.<P>Some of your questions I don't think I still know the anwser to. I have learned that my self esteem is lower than I ever imagined, and I'm sure that can really affect a M. I know that I and we still have a lot to learn. I know we can do it, but as you said it will take T&P.<BR>I don't know if it makes a difference or not, but all of our friends are older than us about 5 yrs or so, I am also told that I act much older than my age. Not that this is an excuse for anything, cause it's not . Just thought it may give a little insight.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Keep Smiling:<BR><B>Who,<BR>I understand and agree that I shouldn't waste time and energy on what other's think. But this is my MIL we are talking about. I want to keep my relationship with her good, she is like in mother I never had. I have been with my H since I was 15, got married at 18, so she has taught me alot. I can even travel alove with her across the country. I was like the D she never had, and I hop to keep that relationship.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>KS,<P>That's all you need to tell her. <P><BR>who<P>

Keep Smiling:<P>My wife was the WS. Her mother was dead, and she felt that my mother was truly a "mother" to her. When I finally gave my parents the news of the affair, they were "surprised"---but they still could be supportive to my wife. Even after she became pregnant by the OM, my wife continued to get support (not always "approval") from my mom.<P>And their relationship is closer now (3 years post affair) than ever.<P>Bad situations don't always cause devestation in the end---they can also trigger rebuilding and strengthening of a relationship. My wife and I have seen this in our marriage. My wife and my mother have seen it in their relationship. I think you'll see this happen countless times in the wake of the tragedy of the terriorist attacks on NYC and Washington.<P>But you need to take the first step. If you want to lean on your MIL---ask her.

KS -- <BR>I am an "image" person. I tend to keep things very private, and want people only to see the good...the image I want them to see. <P>The last couple of years have been a turmoil for me. My H is a talker. He has revealed things to people that have just mortified me. Needless to say, him talking to anyone about my A is a huge LB for me.<P>H decided that I needed help. He got sick of prodding me to confide in someone, so he took it upon himself to reveal things to my mother in the hopes that she would reach out to me. It devasted my relationship with her. I MISS HER SO MUCH. I can't even be in the same room, phone calls I cut short....<P>I feel so bad for you. I don't have any great advice for you. I'm just sorry for how you feel.<P>

KS:<BR>Just my opinion: I know of a case (not mine, but some relatives) where the MIL of a WH is still hoping her D will take back the WH, even though the WH has a new marriage and baby with new W. So MIL's don't always hate the WS! the MIL may well be able to help by actively supporting. <P>Yes, this may cause damage to your relationship with MIL for now, but if you work at being honest, it will be a cleaner relationship, and stronger in the end.<P>me

Who,<BR>I would like to but I am so nervous and I hate confrentation. They are out of town as well.<P>K,<BR>Thanks so much for your W's situation. I will keep it in mind.<P>Lexxy,<BR>I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Is it kept short because of you or her? Have you discussed more of it to her?<P>me,<BR>Thanks so much for your story. Still sounds kinda sad though.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Keep Smiling:<BR><B>Who,<BR>I would like to but I am so nervous and I hate confrentation. They are out of town as well.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>KS,<P>Put it in a letter.<P><BR>One of the things that I learned in my counseling is that things are usually worse when you don't confront them. It seems that you've always had a pretty good relationship with your MIL and you are afraid that will change. It's already changed because you are letting your fear of the unknown change the relationship. You are not even giving your MIL a chance. <P>Lexxxy, sorry to say but you are doing the same thing. You are blaming you H for getting in the way of your relationship with your M. Sure, he might have been wrong but it's done. He made a mistake (haven't we all). How long are you going to let it get in the way of you relationship with your M?<P>Sounds alot like the way we BS's let the OP get in the way of our relationship with our spouses. Time to get off my soap box.<P>who<BR>

who,<BR>I don't know if you have followed our story at all. My H SEM just found out about 3 other A's on the 11th that I had 4 yrs ago. My MIL and I were ok until she found out that there was more. I know she still loves me , but it almost as hurt as SEM.