Morning Bad Hubby,<P>Welp, we all suspected as much, Hon. You, very much like the BS, are on an emotional rollercoaster. <P>I'm sure by now OW knows you are contemplating ending it. Thing is Hubby, after two years, she knows your weaknesses all too well. And not to paint her as an evil person, I'm sure she's leveraging what she knows. Yes, sex sex and sex.<P>I'm not down playng the importance of intimacy, it's just that what you are doing with OW BELONGS to your wife. By continuing the A,and not telling your W, you are not giving your wife a fair shake. <P>As several of the BS here know "control" of another person (OW) is an illusion. You are only in control of YOU. So ... my question to you this morning is "When are you going to start taking control of you?"<P>Personally, I believe you feel that ending it with OW scares you so deeply because she represents hope to you. But hope for what? The euphoria and good feelings you experience with her are fleeting, the high you get from being with her is like a drug, an addiction. Do you want to be controlled by an addiction to someone, do you think you and the OW could be happy as a married couple knowing this relationship was built on shifting sand based on lies and deceit? I certainly don't mean to take the moral high ground here, I'm just pointing out that continuing on this path will eventually lead to no where, and it's iminent it will cause you even more grief than you're experiencing now.<P>Bad Hubby, have you told your wife yet? I suspect you haven't. What is your plan? Do we need to help you map out a plan? We are here to help you do that if you wish.<P>Love,<BR>Jo<P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

Morning Jo:<P>I knew this day was coming...glad you're here to help...what a blessing BH come back for more help...he could so easily just have dropped off because he made another mistake. There is courage in his return.<P>Propping up the old backbone...that's what's wonderful about MB. <P>I hope he's heeding your words of wisdom. <P>Faye

BH - ditto Jo. Please listen to her. Her words - including some words of my own - even comforted me this morning, reminding me of the aggressive delusion WSs are so adept at.<P>WAT

BH,<P>You slipped. It's expected, in fact it's pretty normal. There, you can breathe a deep sigh that you are a normal WS and we're not shocked or surprised, but want to help you.<P>Clearly this illustrates why "no contact" is essential if you want to give your marriage an honest shot at recovery. You had what you termed contact to address some "business" issues and it turned into more. Jo, was right on when she noted that OW knows you weaknesses and could sense your withdrawl. She's addidicted as well and will do anything she needs to to get her "fix", you. Woman, also are probably much, much more emotionally involved and so I'm sure she feels she is in love with you. This is going to probably be harded for OW to get over than it is for you. <P>There can be no contact BH. I know right now that seems harsh but it is truly the way. If you think long and hard about it , it is also the kindest thing you can do for everyone involved for it prevents prolonging the heartache that is surely inevitable for you, your wife and OW. There is no way out of hurting SOMEONE. Continuing in the affair will hurt more people than ending it will though, for your children will suffer the consequences of not having a daddy that is commited to their mother. BH, the best thing you can do for your kids is to love and be faithful to their mother.I 'd bet a million dollars( if I had it) that your wife already knows deep in her heart what is going on. Sure, that won't decrease her pain any, if and when you come clean, but I'm sure an affair is something she's considered giving your separation. That being said, she's still trying to please you.You said you two had a great time the other night, she wants her family intact BH.Women will go to extreme lengths to keep their families intact, she is capable of change and seems she is already motivated. Give her the chance to show you the wife she can be. All she needs is the opportunity, to deal with the reality that has become a part of your life.We know how difficult this is, we have helped others before you. Our goal here is to help save families, please let us help you to save yours.<P>PS Oh by the way, I bumped up a thread I posted several days ago about how my recovered WS feels now, 2 years later. He's happier now than he's ever been in his life( it's a joy to see him sooo content) and so very glad his family is intact and our kids are well...... ecstatic!<p>[This message has been edited by mthrrhbard (edited September 16, 2001).]

Hi, <P>Been reading the other post but felt this one needed to be bumped up. <P>You are getting good support here, hang in there you are making progress. <P>Take care, <BR>L.

Bad Hubby:<P>Hon, if you're lurking, please let us hear from you...you need the help...forget about the flaming on the other thread...most of us are here to help...and we do understand.<P>Jo:<P>Have you heard from BH...email...anything? I've been gone for a while and was concerned that BH has not replied to his thread or this new one.<P>Faye

Hi everyone,<P>I have not heard from Bad Hubby. I hope he is okay. I read the flaming-type post on his other thread and I'm hoping he knows we want to support him. We all know everyone here bears pain and anguish, both WS and BS alike. <P>Bad Hubby, please respond to us. We haven't given up on you, please dont give up on us. <P>Love,<BR>Jo

Hi,<P>Nosey me saw that you might be looking for this post, so I am bumping it to the top. You are getting good support and advice. <P>Your persistence to keep coming back here is encouraging. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

Thanks Jo. <P>I am here reading the thread you started for me. I started reading SAA last night and am nearly finished. The similarities are uncanny, and the logic is something to which I can relate. I know you all are here for me and others, and I appreciate it so much.<P>As the fog flows in and out, but the book and your support are definitely helping me. I can now, really understand and even more appreciate the words you have given after reading it on paper. <P>I haven't given up on me and my marriage, and I feel better knowing that you all haven't either.<BR>BH<BR>

BH...<P>Giving up is not what goes on here! There are many of us that can relate to these feelings. Most are not judgmental, but individuality does make the world go round. <P>Hang in there!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

BH...<P>I put a link to a thread on the other thread...lol..got that? Anyway, its something you may like to read and may help find some comfort in knowing others understand.<P>Here is the link here too, so you dont have to hunt it down...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010715.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010715.html</A> <P>Trueheart

I read the thread, and again, I appreciate the concern. I am here, trying to deal with my actions and emotions. I'll make no excuses for my absence or my behaviour. They are what I have to deal with. You folks hit it on the head, and I am trying to deal with it all. Thank you for being there for me.<BR>

Hi Bad Hubby,<P>Venizio here... you and I are going through similar things in our lives, but I am a few steps ahead of you (in the A game), and can maybe offer you some advice. Ignore a lot of the rhetoric and flaming you have been hearing, I think I can help. <P>I ended my A by coming to a logical conclusion. I was too emotionally f***ed up to make a good concrete decision by going with my emotions. The fog, if you will, made me feel neither staying or leaving my wife was a good idea and that staying in the affair and/or leaving it was also bad. That makes it impossible to make a choice and move forward. So a LOGICAL choice becomes your only recourse! Easy, huh? No... but try it on for size anyway.<P>Well, as wonderful as my A was (to me), I realized, FULLY realized, several key things:<P>a) I wasn't being fair to anybody with my waffling.<BR>b) I wasn't going to ever feel good about leaving one spouse for another, just by saying "Uhhh, I changed my mind".<BR>c) If I could remove the OW from my mind, AND remove the physical pull (GOD THIS IS THE HARD PART!!!) then I could fairly and truly go home and deal with my wife.<BR>d) Then, and only then, could I see if I still had any reason to stay at home and work on the marriage. <P>This course of action let me see things more clearly. I still don't feel like I love my wife, but I promised her I would try to work on salvaging what is left of our marriage to see if either of us still want it. NOW I feel justified that if my wife leaves me, or I decide I am still unhappy in 2 months or a year, then it will be a mutual parting.<P>You just can't walk out on your wife. It takes big balls and no conscience to do that. It takes Huge brass ones to walk back in. <P>I'm not saying your marriage will work out. Not at all. But you made a promise, a freaking promise that you would try to work on it. Try it. If you still hate her, geez, then just leave. But get the OW out of your head. That is fair. If the OW still wants you later, she'll still be there.<P>-Venizio

Venizio here... you and I are going through similar things in our lives, but I am a few steps ahead of you (in the A game), and can maybe offer you some advice. Ignore a lot of the rhetoric and flaming you have been hearing, I think I can help. <P>I'm not saying your marriage will work out. Not at all. But you made a promise, a freaking promise that you would try to work on it. Try it. If you still hate her, geez, then just leave. But get the OW out of your head. That is fair. If the OW still wants you later, she'll still be there.[/B][/QUOTE]<P><BR>Venizio, you sound extremely familiar to me. :-) My OM was in the same place and went through the same things. Let me say, as the OW, that I know what he was going through and why he made his decision. But I still sit and stare off in wonder as to HOW he could let me go. I will forever love him. And yes, if he changed his mind, I'd be here. Tomorrow or 20 years from now. In the mean time, I'm here, trying to work on what I have. It's difficult for me.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by trueheart:<BR><B>BH...<P>I put a link to a thread on the other thread...lol..got that? <P>Trueheart</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks TH, I started to read it & will finish it up tonite. On my way to marriage counseling session right now. I'll spend some time this eve. reading thru the posts.<BR>

uhh hem, Bad Hubby ...<P>Altho I am not a teacher, I am giving you an assignment. I want you to read the thread "Diary of a Madman" by [H], who is also a WS.<P>You are to finish reading it this evening (no coffee table company), then in a post, let us know what you think of it. (little uppity, aren't I? lol)<P>So, we'll hear from you tomorrow. Happy reading!<P>Love,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited September 17, 2001).]

Sorry BH if I flamed you on your other thread. Sorry to everyone else who thought so too. <P>I didn't say what I said to hurt you and if I did, please forgive me. Being judgemental is not how I meant it. Just slap me. The things said are slap enough, I guess. Ouch, I guess I deserved it. <P>BH, I hope I didn't deter you from MB. You are making progress and just stick with it. Just resist the OW, that's all. <P>Judgemental...I guess we all are at some point. Sorry again. I guess now I am afraid none of you will come to help me if I need it because the way I said what I said hit so hard...... <P>Clouds

No worries, InTheClouds ..<P>We will definitely still be here for you, Honey.<P>I and the others know how hard it is to be a BS, and in my early days on this board I was very devistated and angry, I'm sure I posted several things I got cyber slapped for. <P>It is very hard to come to a place in yourself where you can see and empathize with the WS's hurt and anguish, because they do feel it. At times it can be biting to hear some of their words and feelings, SnL's posts come to mind. But you know what, I read it anyway because I always learn something about myself. And if I don't agree, I will express my thoughts. Sometimes I have to wait a day before I do tho. lol<P>Don't feel bad InTheClouds, I'm sure Bad Hubby will understand, he knows everyone here has gone thru hell.<P>Love,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited September 17, 2001).]

Thank you...I will definitely wait a day or maybe two before I post a reply to some....

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Resilient:<BR><B>No worries, InTheClouds ..<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>No worries at all InTheClouds, seriously. Jo, your strength is almost unbelievable,but I do believe it. I am so engrossed in SAA and HNHN that I have lost the desire to be with OW for the Nth day in a row. <BR>Bear with me all, I know you will.<P><BR>