Lexxxy,<BR>The only thing I can said to you is this. If you are so sure about being happy with the OM then go for it. Don’t waste your husband’s time and hope. Let him go. Go with your heart but prepare for the consequences. I know you come here for support and advice, but you only want to hear what you want to hear. People will give you their opinion based on what you said from your side of the story. If they are so harsh on you, you don’t like it. If they are soft on you, you feel good about your justification. I think you NEED to step aside and look at your own shadow to see if that’s what you see. Look at your logic to see if it is logical. Put yourself in your husband shoes and walk on it. Keep walking until you feel his anger.<P>Lexxxy, what I try to say is that only you know what you want out of this. It is your life. It is your destiny. If the damage is beyond repair then don’t repair it because it will break again, but if it can be fixed then fix it and hope for the best. Like they said either you are with your marriage or you are without it. It is the choice that you have to make.<P>Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I know that I don’t say anything different than what you already know. So what it is still my opinion.<P>OOP<BR>

I only seem to be able to get on the board every other day. It seems to be some kind of server problem -- maybe due to the virus scares.<P>Anyway -- to answer some questions. Oldest is 15, Middle is 12 and youngest is 8.<P>I know a lot of you are advocating for me to wait and be patient. My H is not speaking to me other than to say he wants me out of the house immediately. Anything else he says is sarcastic and mean. (Please Please don't take that to meant that I am "blaming" him....I'm just trying to be factual and give you a picture of whats going on)<P>We had a counseling session with Steve Harley about a month ago. After, H told me that he would stop being confrontational. He knew that I was still in contact with OM, and he would stop pressuring me about it. His tension increased over time, and he ended up starting several fights in the last couple of weeks. He completely blew up last Monday after confronting me about seeing OM 2 weeks ago. He wants a divorce. He wants me out of the house immediately.<P>He has already taken many of the actions he threatened. He will not speak to me unless he has something mean to say.<P>He had planned a golf trip overnight with some friends. He left afterwork yesterday, and won't be home until tonight.<P>I had a nice evening with the kids. I decided to sleep in our bed since he's gone (usually I sleep on the couch). <P>Well guess what I found????<BR>He had set up a video camera aimed at the bed. Set it up before he left and turned it on. I'm really upset about this. I don't know if he thought OM was going to be there (noooo -- he lives 2000 miles away, and I have never had him anywhere near my children) or if he was just hoping to catch me naked on tape. I'm really sickened by this.<P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lexxxy:<BR><B>I know a lot of you are advocating for me to wait and be patient. My H is not speaking to me other than to say he wants me out of the house immediately. Anything else he says is sarcastic and mean. (Please Please don't take that to meant that I am "blaming" him....I'm just trying to be factual and give you a picture of whats going on)<P>We had a counseling session with Steve Harley about a month ago. After, H told me that he would stop being confrontational. He knew that I was still in contact with OM, and he would stop pressuring me about it. His tension increased over time, and he ended up starting several fights in the last couple of weeks. He completely blew up last Monday after confronting me about seeing OM 2 weeks ago. He wants a divorce. He wants me out of the house immediately.<P><BR>Well guess what I found????<BR>He had set up a video camera aimed at the bed. Set it up before he left and turned it on. I'm really upset about this. I don't know if he thought OM was going to be there (noooo -- he lives 2000 miles away, and I have never had him anywhere near my children) or if he was just hoping to catch me naked on tape. I'm really sickened by this.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>And continuing the A while promising your H to work on the marriage is not sick and mean? Was that sarcastic? :-) LOL. C'mon lex be honest with yourself. Quit justifying because of your H actions. That's what he is doing. <P>Answer one question for me (yes or no): Do you think that it's OK to have an A while you're married?<P><BR>BTW, I don't advocate what your H is doing. I know your catching a lot of flack from some of us right now but I thank you for sticking around. This is one of the best things we can all be exposed to and learn from. I'm just sorry that it has to be at your and your H's expense.<P><BR>who<P>

(((((((((((Lexxy))))))))))))<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by painforever:<BR><B><P>Just a question I would like to ask here (not just to you but to all) – judging from these sort of actions and circumstances would you say that the BS still loves or even cares for the WS? If you feel that much anger to intentionally want to inflict pain (emotional or otherwise) to the WS, is it possible to love the WS? Or is it not love?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>painforever,<P>I'm not sure if you're the WS or the BS. I'm the BS and I'll share my thoughts and experiences. <P>When I learned of my W's A I was shocked but I thought it could be a new begining. I initially thought she would kiss my a** and beg for forgiveness. I was really wrong. After a couple of weeks of fighting I started couseling and figured out that I had to change my ways if I wanted it to work. I spent the next 4 months kissing her a**. Not even one LB. I completely surrendered to my W and my M. W was still in contact with OM (they worked together) but led me to believe that nothing was going on. When I found out that they were still getting together I freaked. I was completely devastated. I wanted her to feel my pain. I did a lot of the things that Lexxxy's H is doing right now. I knew it wasn't right but I was hurt. Things were pretty tough for a few months but I'm getting over it. I do know that even with my outbursts and treats of divorce (and that's all of it - nothing physical) I did love her and never wanted to live the rest of my life hating her. I always cared for and loved my W and always will. I know I was wrong not only because I hurt her but because I let myself down. I'm pretty sure my W's affair was/is an exit A. My love for her was not strong enough to resist the urge to try to hurt her when I was hurt. I have questioned myself repeatedly weather I really love my W if I was capable of hurting her like that.<P>So to surmarize, I think I did truly love my wife during that time but I was not a strong enough person to see anything other than my pain. Right or wrong that's what honestly happened to me.<P><BR>who <BR>

Lex,<P>One more thought from someone whose M has been where yours is at right now. <P>We all know this is a roller coaster. Do you really want to jump off at the top of the most dangerous loop? <P><BR>who

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by whothehellisshe:<BR><B> <BR>And continuing the A while promising your H to work on the marriage is not sick and mean? Was that sarcastic? :-) LOL. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I did not promise my H anything. I said I would be open-minded to the counseling with Steve Harley. I never promised to stop contact. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by whothehellisshe:<BR><B> <BR>Answer one question for me (yes or no): Do you think that it's OK to have an A while you're married?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No...as a matter of fact I don't. I never expected to find myself in this position.

<BR><B> I did not promise my H anything. I said I would be open-minded to the counseling with Steve Harley. I never promised to stop contact. </B><P>Marriage vows<P><BR><B>No...as a matter of fact I don't. I never expected to find myself in this position. </B><P>I bet your husband never thought he'd find himself trying to hide his assets from his wife (damn us sarcastic BS's :-) ). <P>Lex,<BR>Did your "position" just find you?<P>who

Thanks for all your help....so constructive Who...<P>We've posted over and over again about vows. <BR>Don't even try to convince me that I am obligated to stay married because of a vow. My H broke those vows within weeks of our marriage. <P>anything else? or you just want to be sarcastic?<P>

Originally posted by Lexxxy:<BR><B>Thanks for all your help....so constructive Who...</B><P>Your welcome?<P><B>We've posted over and over again about vows. <BR>Don't even try to convince me that I am obligated to stay married because of a vow. My H broke those vows within weeks of our marriage. </B><P>Fair enough, I'm not trying to convince you that that you are obligated to stay married because of vows. You can get a D anytime you like. Just because your H broke his vows does not give you the right to do the same. By your own admission it is not OK with you to have an A. <P><B>anything else? </B><P>Did you have the A because you were angry with him?<P>[B} or you just want to be sarcastic? [/B]<P>Turn that finger around. I was just trying to lighten my comments by pointing them out as sarcastic. (Apologies if you're just returning the favor).<P><BR>who<P><BR>

Who, <P>I'm probably not in the best posting spirit right now, and I'm contemplating why I'm still here telling my story. I certainly don't expect to get support for divorcing from a marriage building board.<P>Maybe I still think someone out there can benefit from it.<P>I don't really care right now to analyze (again) my reasons for having an affair. No, I don't think anyone should have an affair. I've been depressed and even suicidal over finding myself in this situation. I guess my reasons (or whatever) must be important because I can't imagine anyone would want to do this just for fun. Its intensely painful.<P>There have been moments I thought my marriage could survive. I think the principals are sound, and I hope that my story helps some of the BS's out here take the right action at critical times. My H unfortunately did not, nor did I. The demise of our situation is because both our LB's are wayyyyy overdrawn. I'm not divorcing H so that I can be with OM.<P>I have more to say, but it can wait til later.<BR>

who, I have a question for you...<P>Are you suggesting vows are absolute? If not, then staying married cause of vows is a moot point.<P>If you are saying vows are absolute, then I assume you are saying divorce is never ok under any circumstances....or perhaps only according to an "approved" list. If so, who administers the list?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sad_n_lonely:<BR><B>who, I have a question for you...<P>Are you suggesting vows are absolute? If not, then staying married cause of vows is a moot point.<P>If you are saying vows are absolute, then I assume you are saying divorce is never ok under any circumstances....or perhaps only according to an "approved" list. If so, who administers the list?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>SNL,<P>No I'm not saying that vows are absolute. I was just pointing out that when you get married you generally make a promise not to cheat. Just because Lexxxy never promised to end the affair doesn't mean she didn't break a promise. Even if hers vows did not include "forsaking all others" she still went against her values and continues to now. <P>That is all I'm trying to point out here. I'm not bagging on Lex. I'm sure her husband is doing things that go against his values. They are on a slippery slope and things can get real ugly if somebody doesn't start standing up for what they believe in and what is right. D is the best route if either does not want to be in the marriage. It should be done with honesty and integrity. IMHO right now is not the time. <P>I'd be willing to bet that H asked lexxxy if she wanted out after he found out and she said "I don't know" so he took it upon himself to save the marriage. Lexxxy didn't really want that, she wanted out but wanted H to be the one to end it so she wouldn't be responsible. Hell, I might be 100% wrong but I can see it in my own M and I can see it all over these boards. <P>Lex, I know I've been tough on you but I've kinda watched in silence for a long time. I see a lot of my W in you. I'm sorry if I'm wrong. I can remember reading your posts and getting upset. I was upset because a lot of what you wrote hit a nerve. You story has done a lot for me. I don't know if it's helped my M but I know I'm a better person for facing some of the things you wrote about.<P>who<P><BR>