I don't know how to get my wife to admit to what I feel I already know. I found an E-greeting card that she sent from Blue Mountain to another man. She has no explanation for this and denies that she even sent it. I love her and would love to believe her but there is so much else that points to her having an affair. We are in counseling for our marital problems and I know that affairs stem from those problems. We haven't been together to the counselor since I found out about it, but I have gone by myself. I love her and don't want to lose her, but I feel that until she admits it and we work from there, that we have no hope. I don't want to follow her around or feel like she is going to see him everytime she leaves, but I can't help it. I really never know for sure what she is doing when she leaves. She doesn't work a regular schedule and basically writes her own. I don't see her timesheets or even her paychecks. When I'm in her presence I feel like a fool for believing that something is going on, but once she steps out the door, my head reviews the facts and things do not add up. <P>We spent the day yesterday and stopped by greeting card place to get my brothers birthday cards. She claimed she didn't want me to see hers because they were for me. One she gave to me last night and was a cute flirtsy card. The other she said she was saving. I have to admit that I snooped and the card she claimed was for me was not one she would have bought for me. I have to admit that although I stopped going through her computer files and cell phone calls, I couldn't resist the urge to look for that card. Something about when she bought them just didn't set right. She seemed nervous to me. Can someone please tell me what to do?

Hi blugene,<P> Welcome to MB. The first thing is to READ READ READ all the information on this site. Then come here and ask questions and vent(blow off steam)so as not to do that on your wife(W). <P> As for your question, you really can't do anything to get her to tell. I had information from snooping. It wasn't concrete but it was enough for me to know. However W never would admit to affairs(A) until I had that concrete proof. She lied even when she knew it was stupid to do so. <P> Once I had that proof she finally came clean and told me that she was indeed having an affair, that day is commonly called D-Day here on the boards. Even though I already had enough information to know she was having an affair, when she actually admitted to it, it was the worst day of my life. I was crushed<P> I would say to prepare yourself as best as possible, READ READ READ here. Get the book 'Surviving An Affair' NOW!<BR>Don't wait like I have done. Order it now. Everyone on this site says this book is our number 1 necessity for getting through this. <P> No matter what you think you know. No matter what you think your reaction will be if she admits the affair. I can almost gaurantee it will be much worse than anything you can imagine. Believe me when I say this. <P> Do your best to prepare yourself in advance. Others will give you much better information than I am capable of. Listen to them and learn all you can from here. Believe me, it will help you more than family or friends can ever do.<P> Good luck, and please keep us posted on the results.<P> jd

Welcome Blugene, to MB. I'm three months past my d-day and still in Plan A. I wholeheartedly agree with what jdmac1 says. Get the book, Surviving an Affair, and get reading! When you have finished reading it once read it again. I can't believe how my situation has paralleled the book. My WS's patterns of behavior have been literally "by the book" and I have followed Harley's recommendations as much as possible. I'm finally starting to see light at the end of the tunnel as a result. Both the book and MB have been an incredible help. As far as advice is concerned, I'm not qualified other than to offer my support. Unfortunately, jdmac1 was right in that you need to get ready for a really bumpy ride. It has been far worse than I could have ever imagined. Just keep a few things in mind, take care of yourself, keep your head clear, think before you speak or act and you'll make it through this. Believe it or not, you will probably come out of it a better person. Good luck and keep us posted.

Not trying to just follow everyone elses advice here, but I totally agree with what was said. I was in your shoes for 4 years, I pretty much knew, and my W knew I knew, but wouldn't admit it. I finally had to do some snooping (illegal snooping) to get the truth, and I honestly thought I was prepared after 4 years of "knowing" I was totally crushed to actually hear it from her, I can honestly say that was one of my worst days of my life....So, be prepared for the truth.<P>Also, don't make my mistake and let the suspicions control your marriage and life for 4 years before you finally get to the point that you have to do something, at that point it may be to late to work things out. We drove each other nuts with the lies,denials and suspicions over the years, I am thankful to report we are working it out, but it has taken its toll over the years.<P>Are you asking for ways to snoop or discover the truth with out relying on her to come forward? I don't know how to get the truth out of them, especially when they lie about it when they know you know something. Like I said I had to get the hard evidence before she finally admitted to 1 Affair. <p>[This message has been edited by SEM (edited September 21, 2001).]