I feel I need to post something as I have been primarily lurking since my dday 6/17. I want to say a huge thank you to all of the MB'ers and even though I've primarily lurked, everyone has been a tremendous help.<P>WS has moved out and I'm still in Plan A. Funny thing is...I'm finally doing it for me. How does she feel, has it made a difference? I don't know, but it has helped me tremendously. Also, if she divorces me I DO NOT want to live the rest of my life feeling that I did not do everything that I could, especially for my kids sake. Also, I don't want to go into a new relationship some day having regrets about this marriage and regrets about not "fixing" me. This is a great opportunity to fix yourself! I never would have done it otherwise and I think most of would not have either. At this point I feel at peace enough to continue with the plan knowing that no matter what-it's the right thing to do.<P>I currently don't have a feel for whether she's coming back or divorcing me, but as a note to all of the others that are in my shoes, stay with the plan! You will gradually feel better especially with the knowledge that you are simply doing the right thing and it is all that you can do. Things happen for a reason, much of which is out of our control, so why beat ourselves up over this? <P>Don't make yourself out to be a victim. Yes they have lied, betrayed their vows, and hurt those that love them. But why torture ourselves over this? It was their decision.<P>I'm doing Plan A, keeping the door open, and working on me. If she leaves, then it was for the best. Who would want to live the rest of their lives worrying about another betryal? If she returns, then I'll have to decide how I feel at that point. <P>I guess my point is, we BS's are in limbo, and it's a waiting game. So make the most of it. We tend to let it consume us, and obsess over this situation. Well, life could be alot worse! Use this time to work on yourself, and plan for a new relationship, whether if it's with your WS or someone new. I've often thought about the possibility of her return and how difficult that it may be to try to rebuild, in other words the grass may not be greener over there either!<P>So make the most of it, what will be will be. Worry only about what you can fix. The ws's are responsible for their own decisions and their own lives. <P>Let them go and work on you, you'll feel much better!<P>

manfaith,<P>Your post completely sums up how I've started to feel in just the last couple of days. Thanks for sharing this. I have also found these forums to be of tremendous help. I'm sort of addicted at this point. I'd like to add my thanks to the people who post here (especially the WSs).<P>Our D-day was 7/12, and it has taken me this long to start the process of letting go and accepting that I can only change myself. We are also separated, and I'm keeping the door open. I'm just not trying to drag her through it anymore.<P>I love my wife, and I really believe that the best thing for all of us would be to give the marriage our best effort. I can't do it alone, though, so I just have to concentrate on myself and my kids and let her decide what she wants from life.<P>Your comment that things could be a lot worse really hit home as well. In a strange moment of optimism yesterday I had this little daydream where my wife and I were attending some function commemorating a milestone in one of our children's lives some years in the future. We were sitting together, maybe sharing some joyful tears and a warm embrace. I could see this happening regardless of how our marriage turns out. I found it pretty heartwarming. It made me realize that the intense pain I've been feeling is not the end of the world. Both of us will make it through this and there are better days ahead.<P>It's very odd how what appears to be the end of your life as you knew it can suddenly become the beginning of a new and better life. I know I'm still riding the rollercoaster, but now I realize that it will end and I'll get off and go ahead with my life.<P>Good luck to you.<P>NP

It really is a rollercoaster, but the peaks and valleys get flatter and don't hit as often. For anyone going through the same thing, it does get better. You may partially be losing some feelings of love for your WS, which I think is normal. But it doesn't mean it's over either. That's why I used the term, get ready for a new relationship even though it may be with your current spouse because it will be a "new" relationship.<P>NP, thanks for your response. I'm glad to hear that you still have loving feelings for your wife. I'm not sure if I do anymore, but I'm not sure that I don't either. I compare it to the "fog" that WS's go through but I'm aware enough to know that I'm just hurt right now and I may or may not feel differently. So I keep the door open too.<P>Do you have much contact with her? We have regular contact but it's primarily about the kids and it's quite pleasant and friendly. No love busters at all. I also decided that another reason not to love bust is to make her decision as absolutley tough on her as possible. I'm not going to be nasty and give her reasons to leave.

Yes, we do have regular contact, even to the extent of sharing a bed (just for sleeping) once or twice a week. Our separation is a little unusual; one of us is at the house with the kids for a few days while the other is in an apartment. We switch off in the middle of each week and typically spend one or two weekend nights together. We're also seeing an MC together weekly.<P>The problem has been me LBing all over the place out of frustration over her waffling. I think it was the remorse over my most recent outburst that led to me seeing things in a different light. Following the lead of someone here (can't remember who) I'm now marking down on a calendar all the days with no LBs in an effort to put together an impressive string of consecutive days. I love a good challenge.<P>Sorry to ask this, but is your wife still in contact with the OP? I don't think mine is, but I can't really be sure. I have often wondered how often the WS decides to end the marriage, but not to be with the OP.<P>NP

I have found my compatriots. I too am a BS. I am in Plan A and my W is currently living with her parents. I have also taken the approach of NO LB's. I want her decision to be as difficult as possible. You guys are right on about using this time alone to get to know myself. I have taken the opportunity to read endlessly, get my golf game back in shape as well as get myself in the best physical condition that I have been in years. With my new attitude and knowledge about needs and relationships I'm going to make someone one hell of a good husband. I just hope that it's with my wife. I still love her more than anything but I'll go to Plan B if I have to.

I suggest that you all bookmark this page to refer to on any of your down days... it's all very uplifting.<P>How long did it take you all to realize that plan A is really about you and not the WS? For me, it took about 3 months after d-day, and I was totally and completely confident in those feelings all around the same time I was ready to go to plan B.<P>Ironic? That's when my WH wanted to come home. My plan B didn't even last one full day!!! (we've been in recovery for 4 months now.. and things are better than ever!).<P>I do wish that there were more posts like this back when I first found out what was REALLY going on with my H. It might have made me stronger faster.<P>Karen<BR>

Hi Folks,<P>It is nice to find "compatriots" going through the same thing. <P>NP, I don't know if my wife is still in contact or not. My instincts are that there is still phone contact, but that it has not proceeded further. As far as I know, it was an EA and may not have proceeded. The OM is also married with two kids and I suspect that when my wife moved out it probably scared him because he may not have been moving so fast. I think he was looking for a quickie and my WS was looking for a soulmate. Just my guess. I have not asked her about it (him) since she moved out 6/7 weeks ago. I refuse to lower myself in her eyes by sounding worried or needy about it. She will have to live with the consequences of her own decision with OM. Regarding LB's...stop!!!!! Don't give her any further reason to pull away from you. Not LB'ing doesn't mean you love her so much you lose your self esteem, it means you are mentally separating yourself from her and what she's done by working on yourself. If and when you reconcile, my theory is she will have plenty of guilt and lots of explaining to do, so worry about it then.<P>Still hanging in there...I like your approach. I would like to go to plan b in a couple of months if necessary, but we have two small kids and it's very impractical. I would think that instead of it being looked at by me WS as a plan b, it would be looked at as a love buster because of the kids. Thanks for the response, if you guys want to trade emails, let me know.<P>Karen, glad to hear the good news for you and your WS! My WS's name is also Karen so this is a little weird. It took me this forum, my MC, and about two weeks after she separated to realize that plan A is about me. It is now exactly 3 months after D day. To be honest though, I'm very competitive and this may be wrong, but I decided at that time to make her decision as difficult as possible. I refuse to give her any further reason to leave. Is that wrong? I don't know. But I do know that I will not have any regrets one, two, or ten years down the road (for my childrens sake) that I (emphasize I) did not do EVERYTHING possible to save my marriage/family. <P>Did you have kids involved? How were you going to plan B with kids? It seems like it would be very difficult.<P>I agree about having more posts like these. Especially from WS's, it really helps to understand what they are going through too.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by manfaith:<BR><B><BR> I refuse to give her any further reason to leave. Is that wrong? I don't know. But I do know that I will not have any regrets one, two, or ten years down the road (for my childrens sake) that I (emphasize I) did not do EVERYTHING possible to save my marriage/family. <P>Did you have kids involved? How were you going to plan B with kids? It seems like it would be very difficult.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's the main point of plan A... to become the H/W that no H/W would want to be without. When you don't give any reasons for the WS to leave, then their rationalization doesn't work, does it? <P>Yes we have kids (3 here and one in heaven). They're all very young (an almost 2 1/2 yr old now and 7 month old twins - all boys). IMO plan B is impossible to do fully if you have kids. You have to create your own version of plan B and keep any communication to kids only. I guess it could be referred to as more of a 'tough love' strategy too. That was part of my plan A (b/c if my H really wanted a D, he was going to learn what things would be like, I wasn't about to let him off easy). <P>I had gotten legal information, and set up a visitation schedule that the courts recommend. I made sure he was paying some child support (and if he missed a payment, I was going to go straight to the "Family Responsibility Office" where it would be garnished from his wages). Once he was officially out of the house 90 days, I contacted the government, and changed our marital status to being separated. The only thing I could not do, was change his address. Only he could do that... and although I regularly requested it, he never did. (He kept on telling me, "we are separated, what I do is none of your business, get that through your head". Well, if he wanted that to be the case, he had to prove it to the gvt, that was the only way to make it official).<P>Because I wouldn't keep the kids from him (I wasn't going to have them hate me for that later in life should a D have gone through), visitation was a must. But the one thing I wouldn't allow was for it to be in my home. He could see the kids everyday if he wanted to.. but not here. That was quite a reality shot for him. It started on my first day of plan B. He took our 2 yr old out for the day (and the weather was awful, and he didn't know what to do with him).<P>Should you need to go to plan B, you'll find a way that will work for you best. My personal suggestion, is to get the legal info now, and perhaps to start implementing some of it too. It would make things easier to move to plan B.<P>Karen<BR>

Hi,<P>Gee, are we a clique yet? <P>It has taken me a little over 2 months since D-day to fully accept that Plan A is about me. All the waffling and refusal to recommit to our marriage by my WS finally drove me to this realization. <P>We also have kids (2-ages 7 and 5). That's why we arrived at the separation that we're currently in. We wanted their lives to be disrupted as little as possible. It seems to be working so far, they don't really even question it anymore. I'm hoping that my wife's attitude is at least partially due to fog, and that another month or so of Plan A will dissipate it enough for us to move back together and really start working on us. If not, we'll have to arrange for a longer separation. As long as I get to spend lots of time with my kids, and while she still claims not to love me anymore, a longer separation suits me just fine.<P>If you want to exchange email, you can find me at<BR>limekey514@yahoo.com<P>Later folks,<P>NP

We also have two kids, 9 and 6. Karen, I'm so sorry to hear that you have one in heaven, my prayers are with you, no matter how long it's been.<P>It's interesting that you NP, and you Karen have opposite views regarding use of the home for visitation. I'm actually right in between. I think that it just reinforces the fact that every situation is different and we have to keep that in mind when seeking advice from new friends i.e.(strangers). I suppose I'll stick with plan a until she files for divorce, if that happens. I don't know why I would move any quicker than that unless she begins seeing the OM.<P>NP, I will E you as soon as I figure what to do with my address, I'm currently using my work E and don't want to cause a problem for myself.<BR>