I have to vent here, sorry. but i'm trying to win back my ex and working on Plan A so I can't jump on his head for this.<P>one of our marital issues was that he wanted me to work so he wasn't the only one bringing home the bacon and having all the financial responsibility. I can completely understand the pressure that puts on a person but when you start a family, it only makes sense to raise your own kids and not put them in someone elses' care. but my husband wanted me to work if we only clear $50 a week! I was pregnant with my 4th child and he wanted me getting a job then after the 6 weeks off to get back to work! I was so furious with him over that. I found out later that I would literally break even on paycheck vs. childcare costs. he'd rather pay another person to raise his kids than let their own mother take care of them and get by on one salary until they are in school.<P>months later he apologized for pressing the issue of having another person watch his kids when they had a mother for that.<P>so what's wrong? well, i just got off the phone with him talking about my sister's situation. she's pregnant with her 2nd child and her husband is trying to work for my parents company and it looks like he will have to find other work. that there isn't enough money working for them to make ends meet. he asked what my sister was doing. i said well she's pregnant and will have a baby soon to take care of as well as her 4 year old. he said, "well she ought to get out and get a job. i'm sick and tired of that excuse!" i tried to remain calm and said, it's not an excuse, it's a fact. everyone i talk to agrees. if it is at all possible, then the wife should try to stay home with the kids. that there is very little financial benefit to her working when you have child care costs. not to mention the emotional strain it is for the mother to give up her baby everyday. to miss all the growing up. all those firsts are for a non family member to enjoy and neither parent gets to enjoy them. then before you know it the child is in school and you've never had that bonding time together.<P>but he acts like women who don't work are lazy and use their kids as an excuse to stay home and leave all the burdens on the husband. that really ticks me off. and he doesn't see my work as housewife and mother as pulling my weight. yet he'd pay someone to babysit our kids everyday and that they deserve to be paid for the service but when the mother does it it isn't respected as work.<P>i am going back to college so i can get a good paying job to help with our expenses because i know my paycheck will never make a dent otherwise. plus we have to send all 4 to college and i intend to put them all in a christian school until college. so i know my husband can't be expected to do all that alone. so i'm not lazy, using my husband as a ticket to ride. he has some very male chauvanistic opinions that really rub me raw. he thinks i married him for the potential money he would be making as an engineer. i told him if that were my goal i would have gone after a banker, lawyer or doctor instead of wasting my time on a college student. besides, i had no idea what kind of money engineers made. turns out he doesn't make what many make anyway so he's diluted to think i'm in it for the money. i don't have a home (we rent) never got me an engagement ring, only have one piece of new furniture, everything else is hand me downs, 2 used cars, he has a new motorcycle, and never been on vacation or even had a honeymoon. we spend every free holiday break from his job at his parents house. we've never spent one night away from our kids. so how could i be a gold digger. i've gotten nothing materially from him. now he's moved out and divorced me and we live on child support and alimony about 40% less than I had to work with before. <P>i still want my husband back though, even in my present state of anger over his remarks this morning. but that is one attitude that will have to change or he'll have to keep it to himself and never let me know he feels that way again. because i find it insulting and demeaning.<P>after reading what i just posted for typos, i realize how utterly selfish he is. i'm going to have a bad day it looks like. i have another question to post so i'll get to that next.<P>thanks for letting me vent everyone.

I am a stay at home mom. A choose my H and I made together. We struggle on occassion with finances but nothing major. We budget. We use layaways for big purchases. We just always find a way to make everything work for us.<BR>I agree that my children should be raised by us, not someone I have to pay. They deserve the best and I feel I am better able to give them that by being home with them.<BR>BUT, I'm the one who would love to go to work. I don't need some high paying executive job. So, I've decided to stay home during the day and once my H's schedule get's settled down, I will get a part time night job that way the kids are always with one parent and not some stranger. The work issue for me isn't about money, it's mroe about getting out of the house, talking with other adults.<BR>As a stay at home mom I know how hard you work your butt off. It's tough. From the moment I get up til the time they go to bed, and long after, I am at their beck and call, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, playing games, cooking some more, cleaning some more, running errands, going grocery shopping, playing chauffer, it can be exhausting stuff. I take an hour during naptime to rest, watch tv, get ont the pc but an hour isn't much when you look at the fact that my days are about 16 hrs long.<BR>There will come a day when our kids are all grown up and the memories we're making now will be so important to them. I don't want my kids growing up thinking I was never around. These are the best years of my life!

My kids are ages 7 and 9. I have been desperately wanting to be a stay-at-home mom for 4 years. My husband use to think if we did that I would be another mouth to feed. Or he would say he wants to be a stay-at-home dad. He has admitted to 2 PA in 1995 and EA's this passed year. 1 woman he has maintained contact with for 7 years. Which he once again swears "no contact". He moved back home this week and says he wants to make enough for me to stay-at-home. I said that our marriage is not there now and will not be for awhile. It takes a strong marriage and confident woman to be a stay-at-home mom. Now my heart breaks because i feel like I "need" my job to hang onto just in case he betrays me again. It hurts to bad to hope. I am having a major pitty party today. Please see my posts in Recovery. <P>

I also am a stay at home MOM---My H used that to his benefit when he had his EA. He told me that he felt used---he worked all day, and I got to stay home with the kids--did nothing but sit around all day long--We have a 6 and 4 yr old daughters.<P>He is slowly realizing that the kids would NOT be the persons they are today, if I hadn't stayed home with them---It hurts really badly when they think you arent doing anything----only the most important JOB in life (IMO). <P>I worked part-time this summer, and my H realized that it isn't worth it--kids crying for me, trying to find a babysitter all the time, etc...<P>Hopefully your H will realize the sacrifice you made for your kids and family---<P>Krystal

Nothing is good enough for them if they are having and affair and looking for excuses to blame you. I worked at least part time all my marriage until shortly before our 6th child was born. My H said he didn't like having the kids in daycare. He was supportive of homeschooling. I was under the impression that my being a SAHM was a mutual decision. Apparently my homeschooling 5 kids while raising a toddler with special needs wasn't enough for him once his affair started. Right after he left he let me know he was angry because I had said I would go back to work when the kids were older, and I hadn't yet - and our youngest was all of barely 3. <P>Now he has been out of work for going on a year and a half, yet he spends hardly any time with the kids. He has specifically refused to take care of them even so I could take our other children to college - because that is "babysitting" according to him.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lafrance:<BR><B><BR>but he acts like women who don't work are lazy and use their kids as an excuse to stay home and leave all the burdens on the husband. that really ticks me off. and he doesn't see my work as housewife and mother as pulling my weight.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sounds like he has a VERY unrealistic view of the work involved in raising kids and running a house. I couldn't WAIT to get back to work when my youngest turned 5 because it was the hardest job I had ever had! And I only had 2. It's a shame to see someone who has such a low regard for stay at home moms.It's a special sacrifice to stay at home and raise your kids yourself.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Dana114 (edited September 20, 2001).]

oh, man, did this hit a raw nerve!<BR>I have six kids, homeschool four currently; one in college, one working at a very demanding job.The three older children I spent huge amounts of time with, reading, doing projects, going to local events, and all the while cooking really good from scratch meals and working my tail off, probably eighteen hours a day is realistic.<BR>The three younger ones, I have had less energy and less time to do things with, and they are very, very different children- they act like they need a lot more attention, and they do! So that's where I stand- if you bother having them, ya gotta do the job til they can do for themselves.<BR>My husband has a good job, but acts like I do nothing at home. His idea of doing something with those kids is to take them to Burger King to let them run, while he does "real" work on his laptop!<BR>I keep telling myself, I did not invest financially, therefore I don't have a fat bank account, but I did invest myself in those kids, and the return on investment is worth<BR>every minute. My husband defines housekeeping as washing the dishes. There's a little more to it, eh, folks? <BR>On the economics of staying at home- there is a woman who has written a book called the Tightwad Gazette- she has a website, I think under the same title. Her name is Amy Dacyzyn, I think that's correct- but she has a great breakdown in one of her books, where the costs of a second person working usually offset the additional income, and fuel spending. Thanks for letting me rant- I feel often like I am running a hotel as H does not invest in making it a home.

Hi Lafrance.<BR>I agree with your vent. I know it is hard. I think men should stay home with the kids every once in a while for at least a 4day stint, with no help from anyone else. Then they would change their tune. I am a SAHM since December which was a mutual decision because of H’s layoff in Sept and then the new job in Jan which involved a lot of traveling. I am an RN and other than once when I wasn’t working for 2 years after the 2nd child was born, I have always worked part time. Partly for my sanity, if you will. But, I only worked pms and with H gone a lot now traveling, that would have left my 15 yo come home from school with no one ever here and we decided that that just wasn’t a viable option. He needs a parent. I am so thankful that H is supportive of this (homeschooling, me staying at home, and I breastfed all my kids until they were up to 3 and 5 years old) I have this need to prove myself worthy of something. I feel guilty if I don’t contribute financially but am trying to get over that. I also homeschool 2 of my 3 children, the oldest was hs’d until he started 7th grade. Anyway, it is a tremendous amt of work. When H first got laid off, he made the comment in the morning “The school room’s a little messy, isn’t it” ( he likes everything in its place) _ I told him to go find something to do.<BR> My little ones are 5 and 7. the 7yo is well motivated and does really well. The 5yo has told me several times already this year.. “I’m just not gonna do this”. So, we have our issues. I’ve thought of giving up more than once.<BR> Doesn’t seem like your H understands what it is to raise a child, and I’ve told my H that if our marriage doesn’t work out, he will be involved in caring for these kids, and I don’t mean throwing a check at me every month. Still when he was laid off I was very frustrated as he wouldn’t help me in their care and always said, “pretend I’m not here, I’ve got things to do”. He is a very motivated and industrious person, but I keep telling him he is not “babysitting”, he is helping to raise them. He never makes arrangements for childcare when needed. I will be going to a nursing conference next weekend. It is the one yearly one I go to and he usually cares for the kids on this one weekend of the year.. With this new job, I don’t know if he’ll be around. He is also an engineer BTW—he drives me nuts sometimes (ALL THOSE ENGINEER JOKES ARE SO TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!)<BR>Children need their parents, especially their mother with them so much. The other reason I only worked second shift is because it, at the time, forced H to spend more time with them and there was not the need for another caregiver. I don’t want other people raising my children if possible. I realize that I’m really fortunate in this area and for most people, there has to be two incomes just to make ends meet. With this traveling job and the homeschooling, we will sometimes go with H to a job for about 3 days. These are like “mini-vacations”. The company pays for the hotel and the kids get to swim in a pool. This means leaving the 15yo at home though (Grandma lives 3 blocks away—or he stays with a friend). I feel at this point in the marriage and the problems we have had, I have to do this to keep in more contact. I just take the kids’ schoolwork and we go to the libraries. I am afraid when he goes back to Virginia next week, if it is more than a week long. My trust isn’t there and the OW is in DC….she had driven to see him about 6 weeks ago (that was the last physical contact with her).<BR>NOTHEARD… I agree with you also that maybe you have to keep your job as an alternative if things don’t work out. You need to do what you need to do to survive. Maybe if your H proves to be more trustworthy, you could eventually cut back. I know even cutting one shift a week makes a big difference in the time/care you can contribute to your family. I used to work 5 days/week ( before kids) and then cut to 4 and then finally 3. Three was comfortable. Sometimes its hard to get the right shift though. <BR>FAITH IN HIM—I’m so glad your husband has come to the realization of what you do contribute. It is our job as a wife and mother to smooth the way for the husband and children. Being there for them makes a tremendous difference. I am trying to institue a ‘family night” when H is home. We go to church on Wednesdays which H doesn’t participate in, but he always goes to church with us on Sundays when he is home. I hate it when the tv is on all night. We now share my bedroom, but I insist on no tv there. <BR>NELLIE 1 ---Boy is that frustrating when they think they don’t have to “babysit”. That is one of my sources of pent in anger with my H. He expects me to have the house spick and span and when the rate occasion would be when he would take care of them when I wasn’t working and had to be somewhere else, I’d come home, and the place would be a pigsty, but he was “tired” and it was a double standard. Then he would insist on a “cleaning bee”. I told him more than once to take his “cleaning Bee” and put it somewhere. I always felt I was supposed to “jump” when he said but could never have time to myself. I’ve expended a lot of anger in that area…not telling him directly, of course. I’m working on improving myself in that area. I didn’t mind working, just “getting there” as the house needed to be straightened up, dinner would be in the crockpot waiting, and the kids’ stuff ready to go for the next morning besides all the laundry, and dishes, vacuuming, etc. I think I was such a ***** because I was tired all the time. Something had to give and it drove us apart because of the lack of communication, for one. We need H’s help as well as they need ours.<BR>Mikkey<BR>

Well, you found lots of support here for stay at home moms. I too stay home, with 3 kids. I'm very busy. Then I read about some Mom's who home school, make all meals from scratch, and I feel lazy (and wonder if they ever sleep). <P>I understand that in many families it is necessary to have two incomes to survive. And some work because they are not happy staying home, and would not make happy kids that way. And there are good daycare facilities (and a lot of awful ones too). So, whatever your choice, if you keep the kids interests in mind, it can work.<P>But a working mom requires a husband who is TRULY a 50/50 guy around the house. That does not mean picking up milk and brocoli on the way home...that means checking the fridge in the morning to see what is needed for tonights dinner (which of course he has planned as well). And he has to chauffer the kids to hockey, and boyscouts, and take little Emily to ballet class. He has to put in a load of laundry early, so that there is enough hot water for the dishwasher later (and not expect his wife to remind him). When milk gets spilled on the floor, he has to wipe it up, and not only once (you know, how they like to just spread it around, and it is sticky later). No, rinse the cloth about 3x before the job is done right.<P>When the H can get involved on that level, and plan the baptism for the baby (including making the food), buying the Christmas gifts, remembering all the birthdays, and sizes...and notices that it's been 3 months since the baseboards have been wiped, and they are looking a tad dirty (have I got my message across yet), when they can do that, a lot more Mom's would be able to work, and not have a nervous breakdown trying to be full time worker, full time mom, full time homemaker.<P>It's truly an undervalued job. It's the most important one to me though.

ladies, my ex once said to me several years ago that he thought women were just naturally born to take care of the house. in otherwords, we have a housekeeping gene that makes us enjoy scrubing bathrooms, kitchens, vaccuming, dishes and laundry. that i was weird or lazy to not keep the house neater than i do. he says the kids are just an excuse. he always throws his mom up to me. now let me clarify, she is a wonderful woman and i love her but she has a cleaning gene for sure. she's not the everyday housewife. she literally can't rest. when it is 9 PM she is still scrubbing down the kitchen and looking for more to do. she doesn't take advantage of our modern conveinences like the dishwasher and only uses the microwave to reheat leftovers, occassionally. mostly she reheats in pots on the stove creating a lot of kitchen cleanup. she works in high speed too. and as a result she now is finding her body breaking down on her...her back, her feet and many other areas. this is what my ex grew up around but he doesn't remember that she didn't start working outside the home until her youngest was 9 years old. so i am always compared to her neatness and the fact that she did both, work outside the home and all the household duties. on top of that her husband is totally dependant on her. sits in his easy chair and waits for his food to be brought to him. if she's not around he can't even find the peanut butter. my dad is practically the same way. my mom waited on him hand and foot. well i found out that is just ridiculous because they never ask you if they can get you something while they are up. they're never up, they turn and ask you to find the tv remote for them. i don't mind doing for others if i'm appreciated but i don't like feeling like a housemaid at their beck and call.<P>i see him as a perfectly healthy man with way more stamina than me and is perfectly capable of getting up to get a glass of water or fetch his own this or that.<P>now he's on his own and doesn't keep house on a daily basis. lets things go just as long as i did or longer. plus the kids aren't with him 24/7 with 7 years worth of toys to pick up, their laundry and doesn't have to do homework, cook their meals or bath them. he just has them for short periods of time maybe one or two overnight visits a week.<P>i told him once that people don't get paid to do chores and they last you until the day you die. you don't go to college for it, you don't get pay raises, paid vaction, promotions and you don't get to clock out at 5 PM and get away from all the responsibilities. men work, come home and put their feet up. mow the grass once a week, some take out the trash...oooo big sacrifice. men don't even change their own oil in the cars anymore.<P>Like you it really burns me up when he says i'm nothing more than a babysitter. how many babysitters are also housekeepers, cooks, do the laundry, grocery shopping etc? then what would you pay one who did all that plus babysit? i figured that i spend 14 waking hours a day caring for my kids...excluding night time sickness, wetting the bed and bad dreams...and multiplied that by $5/hr. for 5 days a week. That's $350 per week. i had decided that the next time he called me a babysitter that i was going to tell him that he could expect my bill as housekeeper and child care services at the end of the week. if he can pay someone else for this then he can pay me. i never had to do it but i would have if he had said it again.

oh Janet, you really hit the nail on the head. when i did work during our marriage the house was the woman's domain and he didn't think i should expect him to pitch in at all. and they like playing the "i'm too dumb to run the washing machine/ dishwasher, etc." because you'll get aggaravated and say never mind, if you want something done, do it yourself. then they get to go sit in front of the tv while you keep working until bed. then get offended when you don't feel like a roll in the hay.<P>i worked for 6 months during my 2nd pregnancy and it strained our marriage big time. i was too tired to do any hosuekeeping and had no patience with my daughter. we were both miserable. and i told him i was quiting my job right after christmas. but time passes and he forgets the strain we went through and misses the extra money and starts asking when am i going back to work. it think if a woman has to keep the traditional role and home and take a job outside the home then the man should take a second job too. it's the fair thing to do. she's putting in way more hours for less pay and no appreciation. otherwise, split the chores 50/50.

JanetS... and everyone else...this is coming from someone who wishes she could be a stay at home mom and I commend you. But I have to also stand up for working moms... I don't put my kids with "strangers" ... I've had the same sitter for nearly 9 years and knew her for several years before. She has helped in their raising. She is like a second mother and she loves them as if they are her own. My husband is in construction and doesn't have benefits, medical, dental etc, or even life insurance provided by the company. I have been with the same stable company for over 15 years and have an excellent benefit plan, including retirement benefits and 401K. Should I feel guilty for providing this type of insurance for my family? <P>Not to mention, I have a 25 mile commute each way but I belong to the PTA, just spent 3 hours at back to school night, go on every field trip,take them to soccer and music lessons, help with all the homework, clean all the clothes, cook all the dinners, wash all the dishes,(well, kids are getting old enough now to help on that issue) dang it even take out the trash (I do draw the line on mowing the lawn...don't know why that's the line but it is) and am the BS to boot. <P>I just don't really like reading posts that make me feel guilty for working for my family's well being. <P>Again I applaud those that are able to stay home cause it must be even more frustrating not to have some time to yourself. This is not a vent at stay at home moms...guess more of my own pity party...<P>Thanks for listening....<P>Deb<BR>

hey deb, i didn't mean in anyway to slam a working mom. whether by her choice or because it is absolutely necessary. i see you do both the outside the home and all the housework too. janet and i just think it is unfair for the man not to help equally with chores if both adults have to work to make ends meet. and now with you being betrayed, how awful! <P>my ex makes very good money for us but he wants lots, lots more so he can have all the extras now instead of waiting until the kids are out on their own. he bought a harley motorcycle and wanted me to work to help pay for his toy. i admire you for what you are doing and to not be appreciated by the most important person in your life...you husband, is just heartbreaking.<P>i was ranting because he has said over the years that i was using taking care of the kids as an excuse not to work. i know every mother would love to be at home with her kids until they go to school if it is financially possible or emotionally possible. because for many, living with children day in and out without other adult contact and mental challenges of a job makes them feel unfulfilled. i can go either way, work and enjoy its many rewards or stay at home and enjoy the domestic life and the privilege of raising my kids my way with my values as long as possible until they get outside peer pressure in school to do differently.<P>i hope no other women have taken offense to my posts here. i am pro woman, not pro career or pro housewife. we are all in a sisterhood that need each other for support, a shoulder to cry on and someone to say, I know where you are coming from.<P>thanks to all on MB for being here.<BR>karen

Hiya all,<BR>No offense taken, lafrance. I'm a graveyard worker and I have special needs twins in elementary and one in college at home, plus I take care of H... There have been no affairs and I couldn't imagine the pain of that being added to the already heavy load of running a household.<P>Spent 10 years as a single parent prior to getting married and I know what it feels like to have all the weight of running a household & parenting on my shoulders alone. Yet, I have felt the same way in my marriage. I'm not complaining but just making the point that at times, being a married mom feels exactly like being a single mom, is all. MOMS NEED HELP, REGARDLESS!<P>Right now, it's like I have 2 jobs. Our laundry is piled up the wall as I type. I get the twins ready for school when I get home from work in the a.m. even tho I would much rather crash immediately!! I have to put off my nap for almost 3 hours in order to accomplish a.m. duties.<P>On the other hand, IF I stayed at home full-time, I KNOW without a doubt that I would be working around the clock! Housework never ends. People who think SAHM's are lazy are clueless as to the repetitive nature of the business during the course of one day? I mean, just how many crumbs can a person sweep, wipe, vacuum and pick up in one day!? How much vomit and loads of laundry can a person deal with esp. when there are sick little children around in just one day? OMG!!!!! How many diapers can a person change?????<BR> <BR>Therefore I agree with what has been said, that couples have to work a balance and Hs have to willingly help out REGARDLESS of whether or not W works outside of the home. Hs should either help out, be supportive, or else shut the heck up! Because if she has a home and kids, she IS WORKING. Period. And I know there are many SAHDs out there who understand and can relate. I think it's probably even tougher on the SAHDs than SAHMs because of society's expectations.<P>lafrance, I think your husband's attitude needs adjusting. I'm sure your absence will make his heart grow fonder while he discovers new joys in washing his own laundry. Good luck on rebuilding and I'll say a prayer for all the moms out there for us to keep on keeping on because our kids need us!

I respect that many women want or need to work- God bless 'em, I have never been able to juggle that and keep up the family.<BR>I don't suggest that women who work are doing less at home; I just want it recognized that I do work- a lot- as does any<BR>one taking care of small children and doing the support work to maintain a family. Some people just don't get it that those who are at home do work.<BR>

hey, this really hit a nerve with me!! I just had our first baby, and am staying at home, but also working 30 hours/week (mostly from home - I go into the office once a week). <P>This was a decision we made together - he did not want his son in daycare, and I was only too happy to make the arrangements at work so I could stay home with him.<P>Well, I think he's beginning to resent this. His attitude has become pretty nasty and insultive. The other day he "wondered" what was for dinner. and monday, the day I go to work (have to leave the house at 7:00 to drop the baby off), he yelled at me for leaving the closet door open and the bottle washer in the sink!!<P>We keep having the same arguement - I've asked him for a little help - I'd like him to make dinner twice a week, and to watch the baby once or twice in the evening so I can finish up work. Well, he just reponds something like, "well, if you can't handle it, you shouldn't have had a baby". Or "You've never been very good at managing your time" (which simply isn't true!)<P>He's an engineer, and I'm an administrative assn't - I make about half as much. So, you can see - he doesn't value my work, it's "easy". And, he also says it's easy to watch the baby and work - but that's because he just puts the baby in his swing and leaves him! I try to interact and teach him.<P>I'm seeing a therapist for another issue (his possible unfaithfulness), and we're trying to work thru this. But I'm just so angry and hurt and betrayed by his behavior.<P>Any suggestions?? Thanx for listening to me whine!!!

Hey you guys with engineers for hubbies (like me)...Do you think its part engineer? Like my H has told me he delegates so much and just expects it to be done. That's what he is best at, giving orders to others. Once again, all those engineer jokes are so TRUE!!!!!!!!!! He once told me he went to school so he didn't have to work at night (boy was I insulted...I also went to school, am an RN but still had to work some night shifts in those days!!!) They certainly do need an attitude adjustment. I think they are on a different plane.<BR>Mikkey

Knowing a few engineers, yes, I thnk it partially is an engineer thing. However, my husband makes the same kinds of "disrespectful judgements" that all of you are hearing. 2 1/2 years ago, I was working 70 hours a week with three kids under the age of 5. I finally quit. I couldn't be supermom, superwife and supermanager and keep up with the housework. Despite working 70 hour weeks, I only got paid for 40. Of course, my daycare provider got paid for every hour my kids were there and she deserved to be paid! There was no time for me, my kids, my husband, our marriage.<P>Being married to a man who seems to be more of a taker than a giver, I think he resents me being home more and takes that out with his selfish demands and disrespectful judgements. Being a nurse, I think he married me so I could take care of him and nurture him. Really, I do! He only dated nurses in college...what a red flag! What a dummy I was not to take notice of that!<P>However, he was quite a charmer then. He's not so charming anymore. Well, he was last night and he was this morning. We have turned off the TV and gone to bed at 9pm and read through the three Harley books I recently bought, HNHN, SAA and LB. We are sharing what we are reading with each other and talking about our faults together in a respectful manner and also talking about our needs. He completely stays off of the computer at home and pays attention to me and the kids again.<P>In reading those books, especially SAA, it made me realize how vulnerable I am to having an affair. My H has not met my needs for years now and I know I am tempted by OM. This happens the most when I am at work. It's not an huge issue at home. I'm busy with my home based businesses, I'm busy with the kids and the housework, but at work, where a lot of these affairs start, I am tempted by OM. Just last week when I worked, I had a married father of five ask me out to dinner! It was the last straw! When I came home, my H asked me about my schedule for the next week.<P>I told my H, "Look you keep pushing me to work. I have none of my emotional needs met by you, you don't know what they even are and I have all these men asking me out, flirting with me, taunting me...it's an affair waiting to happen but I do not let myself fall into the trap of infidelity. I won't let it happen, especially after the infidelity I've experienced over and over in our marriage. You don't deserve it and I'm not going to compromise my integrity."<P>"If you want me to work, fine. You need to figure out if you want to keep risking me being tempted by other men just so we can live on a less tight budget."<P>He hasn't said a thing about my work activities or my work schedule since I brought this up. For some reason, this spoke to him.<P>Bluebird