my husband divorced me because, "i never loved you from the day of our wedding. there is not point in counseling. a counselor can't make me love you. you just were never the type i wanted to marry physically or personality."<P>of course he's having a midlife crisis, but it hurts to hear all that. he bought a motorcycle, started excercising and tanning. moving out and got his own place and divorced me one month after the baby was born. started "hanging out' with a woman from work last month and tells me there might be hope for us down the road.<P>anyway, how does one respond to a person saying they never loved you. i can't believe that completely. i think he found the marriage stale and unexciting and convinced himself that was evidence of no love and that things would never change. he never tried to work on our marriage. just wanted out, wanted his freedom.<P>what do i do with this info? how do i respond to that statment? should i tell him he is a textbook example of midlife crisis? should i tell him i love him everyday? or what. opinions from both WS and BS welcome. i really want to hear from reconciled couples who can tell me what works and what doesn't. I wonder if i'm helping plan A by expressing my love for him every chance i get.

lafrance - I assure you you're not the only person who has been on the receiving end of this form of rationalization. That's exactly what it is. He's not trying to convince you of this "fact" as much as he's trying to justify to himself that his behavior is appropriate. He's reading right from the MLC/affair script.<P>Don't believe it for a second.<P>How to respond? Don't.<P>If you feel you must respond, simply say something like, "I understand that you feel this way at the moment." Don't even TRY to argue about it. You'd have a better chance of convincing a fish not to swim.<P>By all means, continue to profess your love and compassion, but not to the point of getting overly dramatic.<P>WAT

<BR><<<If you feel you must respond, simply say something like, "I understand that you feel this way at the moment." Don't even TRY to argue about it. You'd have a better chance of convincing a fish not to swim.<P>By all means, continue to profess your love and compassion, but not to the point of getting overly dramatic.>>>>><P>Excellent advice. That was one justification I never heard (got plenty of others though!). My sister's exH (WH) told her that. When he came over to pick up some stuff after he moved out she presented him with a huge box of love letters and cards written by him, professing the fact that she was his soulmate, love of his life, shining star in the universe blah blah. She wasn't trying to save the marriage at that point so she said "I just wanted to give you these as proof of how much you never loved me." He got so flustered he stormed out without his stuff. 2 months after the divorce he came crawling back, proclaiming his eternal love again but she gave him the boot.

Welcome LaFrance,<P>First let me say sorry you didn't find this site before the divorce. I personally feel that there are a lot of things on MB that would have prevented a lot of things in my M. I am thinking God for it now.<P>I believe your H loved in the beginning but somewhere down the line, he lost that feeling of love. I think he had certain expectations of his own and of course he had needs of his own that were not met. Maybe they once were but somewhere they just stopped.<P>Were you working before the pregnancy and M? Something about you made him want to marry you and be in love with you. Think back to how things were and how you were back then. <P>I hear from my H that he wishes things could be like they use to be. He doesn't see that 10 years have gone by. I've grown up and well, he just hasn't. I worked on and off our whole M. He was always the main breadwinner of the family. The times I did not work was my choice. As time went by I realize that resentment grew. He needed me to be the independent woman I was before we married. I can look back now and look at myself today and see that I let alot of things go. I just assumed that they was how M was suppose to be. That was my feelings about married life not his.<P>I cannot fault him for his feelings on M. We should have discussed all our views on M before we married. We should have talked about alot of things but we didn't. Now we are paying the price. <P>Through it all, we both have responsibilities and kids become a joint responsibility. A couple may not be together anymore, but that does not give anyone of them the right to walk away in hopes that the kids disappear. One or both of them think that when a divorce comes that now they can start over again. The kids can't start over and neither can their lives or should they. <P>He bought a new motorcycle, started exercising and tanning, got his own place, started 'hanging out' with another woman, etc........Well, Lafrance, the perfect example of moving on with your life. I do hope he is in the child's life??? What are you doing with yours?<P>IMHO, I hope you are not sitting at home waiting for him to come back to you. Continue to Plan A while your are in Plan B, but use this time to work on yourself--improve yourself. Being that you are divorced already, your best bet is to just be his friend. Maybe this is a way of starting over with him and getting a new chance to get to know each other-REALLY.<P>If he is telling you there maybe a chance down the road, maybe that is him trying to tell you he just wants things to change. Why did you guys actually divorce? Some people run away from their problems instead of facing them. Your H is one of those people. My H is one of those people too. The easy way out. I don't think they want their freedom, they just want change but don't have the patience or faith that it will happen. So they run cause they don't know how to deal with the conflict. <P>Take care and vent here as much as you like. Have you looked into purchasing the books? I highly recommend you buy His Needs, Her Needs and some of the other ones. They are so very informing and helpful. Buy them.<P>Remember, friendship <BR>Clouds <BR>

IT'S NOT TRUE! IT'S NOT TRUE! IT'S NOT TRUE!! He DID love you. Why marry someone you don't love? That's just plain SILLINESS!! He's trying to make HIMSELF feel better about what he's doing. Move on with your life. Love yourself. If he's meant to come back into your life, let him do the work. Don't say anything back to him about how he says he never loved you. Look at that beautiful baby of yours. Now THAT's LOVE!!<P>Hugs to you!

I guess i should have given a little more history, but hated to write a terribly long post. we lived together for 2 years, I worked, he was a college student, married, i worked off and on until first baby. were married for 9 years this past july. told me last summer after he bought the motorcycle that he'd never been happy in the marriage and never loved me when he married me that the sex trapped him and he couldn't give it up. says he's tried to love me all these years but he never felt that butterfly feeling for me and that i just wasn't the right one. i tried to change without the benefit of this site or reading books. i figured ours was a very unusual situation that he never loved me before we married so there was no help for us and he said if there had ever been love he would have gone to counselling. we found ourselves pregnant with the 4th child during the early revelation of his feelings. so he said he'd stay until the baby came. so true to his word he divorced me in july, one month after the baby was born. i was so afraid of the fallout that would warp my kids and cause such tramua that i figured being passive and letting him have a peaceful divorce would prevent damaging our kids and keep open lines of communication so he could feel i'd welcome him if he wanted to repent and come back to our family. truthfully i was naive. i really thought he would back down after seeing the baby. plus i knew people would criticize him for doing such a thing to me and that the pressure would be too great to go through with it. but he was determined to follow through. my next naive move was assuming he'd not date for a long time and that he'd just get a taste of freedom and that along with it comes lonliness, sexual frustration, missing his kids, struggling financially since he gives me and the kids 65% of his income, plus the scandal of it all would break him and he'd come home before ever dating.<P>so lately i've tried to excercise, tan too, wear figure flattering clothing, always have my makeup on whenever he comes to see the kids and my hair in place so he can see that i look pretty good after all. i've lost all the pregnancy weight, down to 112 lbs. now. a major accomplishment for a mother of 4 with a 3 month old. <P>so i don't know how to proceed with winning him back. now that he is divorced he can date whomever will date him and since he is very attractive, there's no shortage of women eager to see him. one in fact is trying to suck up to my kids and buys them presents. she has only been seeing him for a month and she's given him a refrigerator magnet with a love poem called "forever" by emily dickenson i think where it talks about seeing forever in his eyes. real syprupy stuff. makes me sick. and her divorced with 2 kids of her own. i at least got him to agree to keep her away from the kids and no more presents. it kills me that i have to compete with other women for his love. i know most women here have gone through this with adultery. <P>i wish a thousand times i had refused to sign those papers. but what if i had and then i was here saying how i wished i had signed them because it is making things worse and he resents me for fighting him. <P>are there any people on here who have won their ex back?

lafrance - your logic over the years has not been bad. You are not the problem - he is.<P>I am not an expert, but i recommend you do two things in parallel.<P>1. Continue being yourself, loving your kids, and playing the best co-parent you can be.<P>2. Look beyond winning him back - you deserve better.<P>To Clouds - I've re-read you post several times and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I have not read any of your posts or replies previously. Seems you're saying that which ever way the wind blows us, we should just follow? Sure, go out, get a motorcycle, and let the free spirit choose our course? You may be on the wrong site. This site is about responsibility, maturity, and civility. Your take it or leave it attitude seems out of place. Have I misinterpreted you?<P>WAT

My wife , w/s said to my daughter that I never lover her from the beginning , she also told other people she never loved me from the begining. learn to take nothing personel.<BR>It hurts , but learn to blow it off . post often , plenty of people here with good advise .