Hi there,<BR>I`m new on this board. Me and W are both 30. We have to kids, age 3 and 6. W told me 5 months back that she wanted a divorce as soon as possible. <BR>I just found out about the concept, but I have pretty much been doing the "plan A" over the past 3 months. I`ve been kind and supportive when she needs it, listened to her, comforting her and been non-judgemental. <BR>I suspected OM almost right after she told me about her wanting a divorce. When I confronted her in the beginning she denied everything. The first months were terrible. Major ups and downs, many arguments and little communication. After summer-vacation things have improved. We communicate very good, and W have pretty much told me everything. I belive we now are honest with eachother. <BR>Over the last month situation have been much better. We are in daily contact. We have dinner together almost every day. We have rented an appartment and W and I rotate in/out of the house. We have agreements where I buy her stake of the property, and joint custody for the kids. <BR>I`ve been very patient with her. She has problems talking to her parents and our youngest son wants nothing to do with her. I`ve been focusing on creating a safe environment for her, and I belive she now trusts me. <BR>In the beginning she was in a rush to get D finalized ASAP. Now she`s more insecure than ever. She has not delivered separation-papers. They`ve been ready for many weeks. She`s been giving me compliments for being her true friend and support her when she needs it. She have asked me to give her some time. <BR>My emotions are mixed. I want our M back. I want our kids to be happy and I love my W. I feel sorry for her. If we do what we have agreed she will lose everything. She will not be happy without her kids and family. <BR>OM is a guy that work with her. He`s 25 and have a part-time job. She`s deeply in love I think. Now she has to chose between living with this guy or stay with her family. She cries almost every day, and I think deep down she knows that her new relationship wont work out. She`s the greatest mother there is. She`s a fantastic person. She tells me she is feeling lonely and depressed. She didn`t want this to happen. She sees the effects on kids, and this makes her uncomfortable. She questions wether she should or must move back to her family. She`s been doing a lot of thinking, and have told me that she more than ever doubts her decision about D. <BR>I hope someone on this board will be able to give me some advice on what to do. Is there hope for my M? <BR>Thanks for reading my long post.<P>Turn

Turn,<P>Yes, there is hope for your marriage. You said you still loved your W and wanted to save the marriage and it sounds as though she may be wavering on exactly what she wants. She seems to be very confused. <P>Please READ!!! Take a crash reading course here on ALL parts of this site. And when you've finished that,,read some more. As many of the suggested books from the book list as possible. I know reading is the last thing you want to do right now. You want a quick answer that will magically cure all that ails and make everything ok again. We'd all like that but so far, we don't have that answer. The answer lies in knowledge,,knowing what happened to the marriage and what you can do to repair it. This comes with no guarantees but lots of success stories and hope. <P>Please read all parts of this site starting with the "General Welcome" found in the "Just Found Out" forum.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P><BR>It's a general overview of MB's site with lots of links and info you will need. Your first mission sounds like a definite Plan A and you'll find everything you need about Plan A on that link. <P>Turn, please continue posting and stay with us. This is a great group of people with lots of useful suggestions, advice and compassion. Wishing you the very best......... <p>[This message has been edited by Nerlycrzy (edited September 20, 2001).]

Thanks Nerly,<BR>All these ups and downs are just killing me. When we filled out papers to transfer W`s part of property to me it just didn`t feel right for any of us. We agreed to wait two weeks. We will then sit down and have a discussion. Then it will be her call. <BR>Question for is what to do then. My guess is that she will have made up her mind to do nothing. I`ve been very patient and showing her what she`s going to miss, but I also have to draw the line somewhere. I cannot go on like this knowing she`s with someone else. <BR>She`s a warm person who loves her kids and family. She`s not been telling anyone but a few of her friends about OM. She tells me "this is not her". Still she continues. <BR>My plan is to tell her I will be there when she needs it and that I would like her & our kids to be happy. But I also need to move on with my own life. If she wants a new life with OM that`s her choice. There`s nothing I can do about this. I will have to let her go.<BR>Does this sound like a good plan you think?<P>Turn

turn,<P>"My plan is to tell her I will be there when she needs it..."<P>I wouldn't tell her that. That will only enable her "fence-sitting" She needs to know what she stands to lose and that she may very well lose it.<P>"But I also need to move on with my own life. If she wants a new life with OM that`s her choice. There`s nothing I can do about this. I will have to let her go."<P>So true, but moving on with your life may be exactly what she needs to get her off the fence. I'm not suggesting going to plan B yet, but I would suggest you stop rotating in and out of the house. I'm sure that makes it easier on the kids, but I doubt that's what it will be like if you divorce. Let her stay in the apartment and get a dose of reality. Good luck!<P>sad dad <P>

Sad dad,<BR>I`ve been given the issue whether I`m being to nice or not many thoughts. I am a nice person I guess. I always try to do the "right" thing. I have a strong belive that you should do what is right. I try to look at all situations from different perspectives and take all aspects into consideration before making decisions. All my life I`ve been taking much responsibility. <BR>Problem now is that I`m not sure what to do. Balancing "being nice" or take care of myself and move on, is very difficult. <BR>I agree with you on the "being there for her" thing. Probarbly not a good idea. I`ve always been the one who take care of things. Now she need to realize what it`s like without me. <BR>On the rotating in/out of the house I will do what I`ve promised. We agreed to do this until year end to ease transition for the kids. I have to keep my word. The main problem here is that once again all responsibility is on me. I have to consider the kids, take care of finances and all practical arrangements. We have agreement ready and signed where W is transferring her share of the property to me. It would have been no problem for me to run over her completely. If I do this kids will lose a great deal, and W will lose everything. W also realize BTW that she`s not in a great position when I say enough is enough. She`s been suggesting on different occasions that it`s probarbly best for the kids if they stay with me. This is the best mum I know telling me this. I`ve never (prior to this mess) seen her not put the kids first. <BR>I completely agree with you that W needs a real dose of reality. I will use time over the next week to think about what I need to do in order to give her this. <P>Turn

turn,<P>I'm not suggesting you kick her out and take everything. <BR>If you agreed to rotate the living arrangements, then stick it out til the end of the year. However, I would let her deal with this on her own. Let her take responsibility for her own actions. Perhaps part of the problem is that she leans on you too much. She made need to take "fend for herself" to give her a sense of self worth. <P>Take care of yourself and your children. Move on as best you can but let her know you're leaving the door open.<BR>Don't allow her to "guilt" you into anything you're not responsible for. Be firm and set boundries, but do it in a loving, non-threatening way.<P>sad dad