Up until several days ago I was feeling really good that my WS and I were really starting to re-connect as friends especially after she said that she had ended it with the OM on 9/4. She had said that several incidents of his behavior had caused her to "lose respect for him". Then this past Monday she told me that she was going to see him. She said is was work related and that it would be innocent. I told her that even though she hasn't re-committed that her seeing him would kill me. She listened but went to him that evening anyways. I was crushed and told her so the next day w/o any LB's. Tonight she invited me over for dinner tomorrow. After thinking about it and calling back I told her honestly that I was afraid of getting hurt again and needed to know exactly where we all stood. She could not tell me much about where I stood. She has been unable to see her therapist for almost a month but a visit is scheduled for next week. I don't think that she wants to make any decisions until she talks to him. When I asked her where the OM stood she waffled. She said that they were still friends but that "she thinks about him a lot". I asked if she had ended the relationship with him and she said that she told him that they need to stop seeing each other for a while while she and I work things out. I asked what this past week's meeting meant and all she could say was that there was nothing physical about it, just good conversation between "friends". I asked if he is still waiting for her decision and she said that she didn't ask him to. I asked if she told him not to wait and she said that she had not. It appears to me that she has simply shut down the PA part of the relationship and that the EA part is still alive, kicking, and dangerous. What do I do now? I want to stay close to be the loving and supportive husband as I have been for the past three months but she seems to be keeping all of her options open. Should I pull back and lay low until she decides to re-commmit to me? Do I try to get close to her again and risk the devastation that I feel each time she sees him? I'm so confused. Only 24 hours ago I thought a breakthrough was near. She seemed to be hitting her emotional bottom saying she was tired, angry, bitter, depressed, etc. It sounded like withdrawal symptoms. Now it appears I was wrong. Please help me.

Still, <P>Don't run away!!! Keep going, plug along. It sounds like your wife is experiencing withdrawal and is still waffling. Can you handle it? You've come so far already, just lay low for a while. Give her a little time, if your supposition is right, and the PA portion has ended, it may just take her a little while to end the EA part (been there done that - pure hell mind you).<P>The key is not to open yourself up. Don't be naive. Don't consider yourself in recovery, don't give in and try to make it work until she is ready to do it with you. (I'm talking the whole enchalada here, not plan A stuff, still do plan A whenever you can if you are still able to mentally).<P>I know this is tough, I am not familiar with your story that much. Has she done this before? If so, well... Then I may have to lean towards you going to plan B. But, if you honestly think she is just totally confused, and is sincere (for the most part), then give her a chance. She is going to counciling. You will know soon enough whether or not she will recommit to you fully, if she will waffle indefinately, or if she will choose to leave to go "figure things out". Just give it some more time.<P>Can you keep up plan A for a little longer? What you don't want to do is to RE-act negatively when your W may be trying her hardest to do the right thing. I learned this and was able to control myself with the help of others here on MB. If your W truly is trying to get herself out of the hole she has dug (you should be able to tell), you need to be supportive of her and RE-act positively when she does something that obviously was difficult for her (like stopping PA).<P>This is very hard to do, but sometimes the WS just feels SO horrible, SO low, so isolated, that they need to know their efforts are getting them somewhere. They need something to look forward to (THESE WORDS ARE FROM MY WH, NOT ME).<P>My H played that game with just withdrawing and playing stupid. See if you don't commit, then you can't make the wrong choice again, right?? See it from her viewpoint. She is scared of fu**ing up again, so she probably is keeping all her options open. We BS's do it too... Time will help with this if it is meant to be.<P>Good luck. Don't withdraw, stay the course. You'll know if/when the time is right...<P>HbH

Thanks HbH for the kind words and wonderful advice. Reading the various posts of people in similar situations I was leaning towards Plan B. What a mistake that would have been. A phone call with my W this evening convinced me that staying with Plan A a little longer (your suggestion) is the right path to take. I was correct that her depression this week is a sort of withdrawal. She told me tonight that she has ended the PA and obviously still has strong feelings for him but that the depression is actually coming partially from having a terrible time letting go of him as a friend. As is usually the case, the A began as a friendship and then deepened. She seems committed to giving up the OM part but is agonizing over having to give up a friend. I think that she is angry at herself for letting the friendship advance too far and depressed that she now has to give up what she considers to be a very good friend. I did the best I could to be understanding of her situation and her struggle (No LB's) but I did not offer any options. I'm back to thinking that she is on the verge of re-committing but that the total disconnect from the OM is really going to be difficult. I hope that she doesn't blame me. There is no indication so far of that. She has admitted, again tonight, that she was the one that made the decision to go beyond friendship. I'm still hurting from their meeting this week. Obviously, I'm afraid of getting hurt again. She knows how I feel and how this week's events hurt me. I went ahead and turned down a dinner invitation for tonight thinking that it was just too soon after the hurt to jump back in. Instead I made sure that I called her this evening and tell her that I love her very much. I may try to spend time with her this weekend but keep some emotional distance. What an unbelievable roller coaster ride this whole thing has been! Thanks again, HbH for the help. I hope that I can be a help to you someday.