Well, I think it's time for me to S*** or get off the pot. W asked the million $$ question...I can either lie again or drop the bomb. <P>First inclination was to start drinking heavily, but I am going to go for a drive instead. I need to think about this. I know there's never going to be a good time to do it. Some of you have suggested taking a weekend off together but that's just not feasible.<P>I am so scared right now I'm shaking. I need to get out and get some fresh air.

BH,<BR>I think you should drop the damn bomb. I know how har dit will be, but let be tell you from my own experince, that once you get all that out and there are no more lies you will feel so much better. You will like that stupid gray cloud above you will move away. <P>My H found out about a 2nd D-Day on Sept. 11th. What a day. <BR>He is still hurt that I lied but, now there are no lies no secreats between us. we can love eachother whole heartedly.<P>She will probably have questions to ask you, So if you want to recover sooner then you bit your tongue and answer her questions.<P>Good Luck, Stay strong. And know that all of us here are rooting for you both and supporting you both. Sherry

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Keep Smiling:<BR><B><BR>My H found out about a 2nd D-Day on Sept. 11th. What a day. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If you don't mind me asking a few questions:<BR>What's the climate like just a week later?<BR>Separated or together?<BR>Married how long?<BR>Children?<BR>How long was the A? How long has there been no contact? Did you write and deliver the letter yet?<P>I'd like to say I don't mean to be nosy, but I need to hear from someone who's going thru it as we speak.<P>Thanks <BR>

Hi Bad Hubby,<P>This is Keep Smiling's H here, she is at work so I think maybe I can help with your questions. <P>I am going off what has been told me by my W and I only hope these are truly the facts and there are no more lies.<P>I do know I learned of only one A 3 months ago, She insisted and assured me that was all there was to tell. I had more suspicions of more As so I finaly had to threaten to leave her to finally get the full truth out...I only wish she would have offered the truth so that I wouldn't feel the way I do now. I am now questioning if she really has told all, or if there is still some deep dark secrete she just wont tell. If she had come forward with the facts without me confronting her I think that would have helped at least reduce my mistrust for her now.<P>My point is if you plan to tell her tell her everything up front and do it without being cornered if you can. I can only immagine how hard it is to tell all, but if you want to recover from this, the truth is the only way, IMO. If you feel you can't tell her face to face, write it down in a letter and give it to her, and let her read it in front of you so you can do some explaining when she is done.<P>I think before you tell her, or if you write her, explain how you love her and how you really want to continue in your marriage and how sorry your are to have done what you did. Explain to her, the reason you are telling her is because you feel she deserves to know and that it should come from you and that kind of stuff. You get my point, try to convince her that you want honesty and trust back in your marriage and this is how you feel you should start. These words would have helped me so much in the trust issue, like I said, I had to corner KS into telling me the truth and now I don't know if she is telling me the truth.<P><BR>Ok,this is getting really long. I'll answere your Q as short as possible.<P>All of KS's As (4) happened nearly 4 years ago. There was no need for no contact because they have long since been over. Yes, we are really trying hard to continue our marriage, and work it out (this is all hinging on me it seems, she says she is totally committed, I have been questioning what I want, but I am starting to come around...it has only been about a week since d-day 2) We have two children a 2 year girl and 4 year boy.<P>Her As were all fairly short, more like one night stands, Only one out of the 4 was an A that lasted 2 to 4 weeks and there were actual dates and there was an actual emotional connection. I hope I have helped. <BR>

I feel for you, BadHubby, but you know you are doing the right thing. It is in HER best interest to know the truth and it will be hard for you to put aside your self interest [ie, fear of her reaction] and tell her. If I were her, I think my first reaction would be relief. Relief that my feelings were being validated [and that I'm not crazy!] and relief that my hubby is truly trying to mend the relationship. After that, I would get a baseball bat and bash your head in, but at least I would feel better! lol<P>Hey, she's not Irish is she?? If so, maybe you should have police protection and an ambulance standing by!<P>P.S. the sooner you tell her the sooner the recovery can start taking place.

Back to the TOP for Bad Hubby.<P>C'mon all you WS's, Bad Hubby really needs your input regarding your "D" Day and how to proceed. Please, please help him.<P>Thank you and God Bless,<BR>Jo<P>p.s. Bad Hubby, you and your W are in my prayers. Your courage and sense of rightness is so inspiring. I want so badly for you and wife to recover from this and have a NEW, satisfying and happier marriage. God's Speed, Sweetie.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SEM:<BR><B>All of KS's As (4) happened nearly 4 years ago. There was no need for no contact because they have long since been over.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>SEM, you discovered her A's four years later? Is it easier to accept recovery knowing that the A's happened so long ago? To me it would seem more devastating if the A was quite fresh. That's one thing that concerns me when contemplating W's reaction. <BR>

BH,<P>I don't know how to answer that, I think it all comes down to how we handle it mentally. Yes, I do look at it as, it happened 4 years ago, and that is helpful to me. I have been with KS for 8 years and married 5, and that makes it hard that it only happened 1 year into our marriage. I don't honestly think it matters much either way, even though it happened 4 years ago, it is just as painful. I think it all comes down to how the BS rationalizes it.<P>If you are looking for a reason to put it off for a while, please don't. I can tell you I honestly look at the past four years as one big lie. The longer you wait the more damage will be done, IMO. These As have affected our marriage in many ways, even though I didn't know the truth. I knew, and she knew I knew, but she still would look me in the eye and tell me how much she loved me and that she never cheated on me and would never do such a thing to someone she loved that much....Do you see how damaging it can be to live those lies....It breaks the BS down to where they can't trust anything. <P>I only wish I didn't have to live through those 4 years of lyes. I don't know how I would have reacted back then if she had come forward. I know I always promised I would leave if she actually had, and look at me now, 4 As later and I am still here. <P>I feel KS took all of my decisions away from me in lying and cheating. When she gave me the truth she gave me those decisions back, now I have the choice whether I want to stay or not. She decided to mess with my life and my marriage, and it is now my turn to decide if this is what I want. I decided to stay, and I think that is what you are afraid of, you seem to be afraid your W will make a different decision....Take a deep look at what has been done. Does your W not deserve to know, and to make her own mind up in what she wants to do from here. You were selfish and by not telling her is also just as selfish if not more, IMO. This is where you make up for your mistake. This is where you stand up and take pride in knowing you did the right thing by telling the person you love the truth. Don't let her go through a life of questions and deceptions. If you truly want a good marriage, an honest marriage, and hopefully a happy life together, tell her the truth. Don't make her mind up for her by decieving her into a life of lies, let her decide what life she wants to live. It is her life and you are part of it and obviously want to stay part of it, but what has been done can't be changed, you have to make the decision to change what happens from here. <P>Ok I need to get off the soap box, I just think you are looking for reason not to tell her, but don't look for excuses for not telling, look for reasons to tell her. I think if you come forward, you can look back and be proud that you did do the right thing. I know this is all based on pride and honer, but what you did isn't something to be proud of, change that and become a person you want to be, not the person you fell into being.<P>I know I am probably telling you things you have already thought about or others have already told you, but that is just how I feel about it. It is painful to learn that your spouce has been unfaithful. It can make your spouce leave you, That is unfortunate, but they didn't make the decision to do what you did, and you shouldn't make up their mind to stay. I almost left, but I thought about what I had, and that outweighed what was taken from me.<P>I hope you do the right thing, for yourself as well as her. Also think about the fact that if you don't tell her all, you will have to go through life living with what you have done, that can and probably will effect you as a person in the future. I know it has really affected KS, she became very depressed over the years and doesn't care much for herself now, and that is painful to see. We only have one life to live, and I think feeling good about yourself is very important to living a happy life. <P>I really hope this helps, it is honestly how I feel and hopefully you can understand what I am saying. Like I said do it for you as well as her.<P>Let me know if I am helping or not, or if you have any other questions.

Please consider an appointment with Steve Harley.<P>------------------<BR>Marry

I am the ws, all I can say BH is there is no good time, other than trying to do it when you have some time and privacy. Everyone pretty much gets to the point of just wanting it all to end somehow (the secret life), either going public with op, or confessing all to spouse and ending A, until marriage is resolved. Is a disaster no matter what you do, but a secret life is no life, so is pointless to continue it forever, in that sense, getting it over with once and for all seems to be the way to go. Look at it like going to the dentist to get a bad tooth pulled............ without the numbing shot. It is gonna hurt like hell, just be prepared for a lot of tears, anger, gut-wrenching anguish, and maybe a few threats and such. The goal is not to resolve anything, just to get the truth out, let your w have time to come up to speed (you already know, she needs time). Don't say much, don't lie, is ok to say you don't know what you feel, or are gonna do (if true), but that it was not fair to her, and is not her fault, and that you just want to do the right thing for now, and that starts with telling her the truth....or more accurately, verifying what she already knows. You have to decide how much to tell, I don't know that getting into nitty gritty details is important, or discussing all the emotional details is useful either. Just the bare facts, you have had an inappropriate relationship with ow, spending time and resources on her, it started at such and such a date, it was physical (and how far, but skip the detail, telling her you will discuss it all later), mainly do not lie (if you can avoid it), suggest you both need to see a counsellor immediately for help in sorting this out. If she asks you what you want, be truthful, or just say you do not really know. Don't make promises you don't mean, or can't keep just to make her feel better. Tell her over and over you are truly sorry for the pain you have caused (if you are), and do not defend yourself in any way. Don't say the marriage is no good, or she ignored you, or you don't like the way she cooks eggs.... nothing, nada, Just tell her you both have a lot of work to do to sort this out, and you will do your best to be honest and work in goodfaith. That's about it, good luck, it will be hell, but until you do this your life is in limbo (by your choice) but so is your wife, and that is not her choice.

Bad Hubby, Pardon me for adding my two cents, but my advice is don't let any more time go by without telling your wife. On d-day (3 months ago) my husband admitted to a 6 month affair which ended that day, as well as a one night stand 4 years ago which I never knew about. This means that for four years my husband lived with me, enjoyed our children with me, made love to me, talked, consoled, laughed with me and ALL THAT TIME there was a big lie between us. Since d-day I have mentally reviewed all sorts of events from the past four years and thought "OMG, I loved him, but he had been unfaithful to me then!"<P>Keep the time of lying as short as possible. Save your wife more hurt by quickly ending her delusions. Start again with honesty. And God be with you!<P>Rose Red

Thank you all. <P>SEM, your input is very helpful, and I appreciate your candor. If ever you feel like you'd like to add more, please do not hesitate. That goes for everyone else too.<P>There are details I'd like to include, circumstances which I believe are important, but I cannot for fear that W might be lurking.<P>Until I make the commitment to come clean, I won't risk divulging those details and circumstances for fear of losing my anonymity.<P>my email address is anon138@hotmail.com<P>

Thanks Jo.<P>

I blew off OW today while contemplating the events at hand. I have an appointment with a local counselor this week. W is still waiting for my answer to her question. Should I invite her to the appointment and admit it then and there?<P>Please someone reply.<P>

I couldn't think of a better place to do it. If that is what you decide, don't just drop the bomb without warning, maybe you should call your counselor and tell him/her first so they can be prepared. You might also kind of hint to your W that you plan to tell her something important just before you go, that way she will be ready for anything. Just a thought.<P>I maybe should have studied up and searched your profile, I didn't know you were still involved in the A. I don't think that changes anything, you still need to tell all. What are your plans if you don't mind my asking? Are you planning to continue the A or the M?

I think you need to tell her before the counseling, and then invite her along to it. It is not fair to tell her in the counselor's office, where she will be at her most vulnerable in front of a stranger. It isn not fair to do that. Also it is a bit of a chicken's way out for you, and if you Do wait, it will send her a big message...why couldn't you tell her, and her alone.<P>She needs to know, she has already asked you for an answer, so she does know something is going on. It will hurt her badly, and it will also hurt you too. But then, things can only move on, and that is what is needed.<P>I agree with SEM, if you are going to come clean, tell EVERY little detail, because if you don't she will find out, sooner or later, and it will start the whole thing over again. Be totally honest and answer any questions she may have. <P>BTW, if being honest is going to really hurt her...ie, was the sex better than with me...yes it was unbelievable, well, I would adapt those answers to cause minimal pain. <P>And please, don't do what my H said to me when I asked some questions. He would say "I'm not gonna tell you that!" or "You don't need to know that." Well yes I did need to know or I wouldn't have asked. That he did not want to answer made me feel like he was protecting OW...and 'their' privacy.

SEM: I don't want to contine the A. At least, not at this point in time. God, I need some help. W and I have been corresponding via email, and the most pressing issue is the big question. I really need to talk to someone. I don't think I can make the right decisions on my own in the next 24 hours.<BR>I agree with your thoughts about giving the counselor and W a heads up before dropping the bomb, but I have another day to face (one which I am scheduled to face W and the kids).<P>Where are you Jo?<P><p>[This message has been edited by Bad Hubby (edited September 22, 2001).]

Do you have ICQ? If you do my # is 130021507 I can talk for a little while if you would like. <P>I am sure what you are going through is very difficult. I have never been able to lie to my W especially about something so important. I do remember when I was younger and having a huge secrete I had to fess up to, with my parents and that is very difficult to do, but when you know you have to do it, it is best just to swallow that big lump in your throte and go do it. I always say when you have something difficult to do, don't think about it just do it. Kind of like "don't look down."

Nina:<BR>the counselor is hers. I agreed to go back and see her as part of our efforts to fix our marriage. Although no one knows of my infidelity at this point, only suspicions. <P>Do you really mean tell all? The details are going to be hurtful...details? Like what? The A is so physical, are you suggesting I divulge the details of the sex acts? Oh my God, I can't even imagine bringing that out ever!<P>SEM, what do you think? Did you, or would you have wanted to hear those?<P><p>[This message has been edited by Bad Hubby (edited September 23, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SEM:<BR><B>Do you have ICQ?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Downloading it right now SEM.<BR>