I was putting this in a reply and decided it needed its own post...I hope you agree:<P>from Ruiz <I>The Mastery of Love </I>pg.54<P><I>That is the mistake most of us make right from the beginning. We base our happiness on our partner, and it doesn't work that way. We make all those promises that we cannot keep, and we set ourselves up to fail. </I><P>p. 81 <BR><I>Perhaps you already have a certain amount of time invested in a relationship. If you choose to keep going, you can still have a new beginning by accepting and loving your partner just as she is. But first you will need to take a step back. you have to accept yourself and love yourself just the way you are. Only by loving and accepting yourself the way you are can you truly be and express what you are. You are what you are, and that is all you are. You don't need to pretend to be something else. When you pretend to be what you are not, you are always going to fail.<P>Once you accept yourself just the way you are, the next step is to accept your partner. If you decide to be with a person, don't try to change anything about her/him. Just like your dog or your cat, let her/him be who s/he is; s/he has the right to be free. When you inhibit your partner's freedom, you inhibit your own because you have to be there to see what your partner is doing or not doing. And if you love yourself so much, you are never going to give up your personal freedom.</I><P>p. 82<BR><B>But if you decide to be in that relationship, do your best. Do your best because you are going to be the one who is going to reap the reward, </B><P>p. 83<BR><I>This is a new beginning for you to forgive whatever happened between you and your partner. Let it go because it was nothing but personal importance. It was nothing but misunderstanding. It was nothing but someone being hurt and trying to get even. It's not worth whatever happened in the past to spoil the possibility that you an reach heaven in a relationship. Have the courage to go for it 100% or let it go. Let go of the past and begin every day at a higher level of love. This will keep the fire alive and make your love grow even more. </I><P>What do you think?<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Hi cali, I think it def. speaks the truth. It def. needed a post of it's own.Wish my H would read. He has this huge wall up that I cannot penetrate,don't know if I ever will. Thanks Cali. Love Sally

Interesting topic and sounds like the same for the book!<P>I agree that it is about courage. Both from the BS and the WS also. It appears that those of us that are here, learning and improving ourselves are on the right track. But, waiting for your WS to find the courage is the hard part. At least in my case.<P>Go 100% until it hurts yourself to continue sounds right to me.

I know ruiz really speaks to you marsha, but I confess to having a little trouble with this kind of stuff. It really doesn't seem to say much about the real psychology of human relations, and seems predicated upon the assumption, that just do all this stuff and your marriage will be wonderful. Again implying successful marriage is a random event, and it makes no difference who you are married too. This is the message of a good portion of marital restoration books....IMO we need a lot more information on how people fit, why we fit some better than others, the effect of fit on mental health (not only of the marital partners, but the children, family, and society in general). And then a methodology to assess whether a particular marriage is fitted very well or not. I can't help but wonder if folks (say on this board) could go to a marital doctor and find (with pretty good accuracy) that their fit means a poor likelihood of being in-love (and the nurturing atmosphere that implies), but that a fit with someone of ______ type would be much higher likelihood, what would we do with the info? We already agree abusive marriages should end (call that the sub 10% range), but where would we draw the line and say one "should" remain married? Obviously each individual would have to draw their own line, but what then when the assement places each on the opposite side of the line, ok for one, but not for the other?<P>Frankly I think it takes as much courage to leave the benefits, of a not so good, but functional marriage (financially, parenting wise, community acceptance, a sorta partner...etc. etc.) and endure the hateful consequences, as well as the real consequences (grief, loneliness, uncertainty, etc.), of establishing a new, but much more nurturing relationship. There is nothing easy about leaveing a marriage, and I suspect many stay in marriages, precisely cause it is easier than starting over. I think courage comes from being proactive, making a deliberate choice based on what is psychologically the most healthy, and doing that, even when you don't want to deal with it. For example supposedly many affairs end without discovery, the remorseful ws keeping the secret, and cleaveing back to the unknowing bs, determined to never risk the marriage again....how much courage does that take? Classic avoidance, cause now an essential part of the healing is kept secret, and in effect, the A never ends, and will alway lie between them.<P>Anyways, not trying to diss ruiz or anything, it just comes across as feel good stuff, good for contemplating life, but not real helpful in specific problem resolution.

Dear Cali,<P>The writer has good ideas. When properly applied good can result. It is when those well intended words have their meanings distorted by those who want to twist them for their own benefit that it can have adverse effects. <P>In addition, I would say that a person needs to be happy with themselves. Of course, if they were would an A happen? Now that might be one worth posting. <P>I keep trying to find that common link in the A stuff. I keep coming back to that point about maybe the Ws/OPs are really not happy with themselves. <P>Not sure, I am no psyco analyst. The mind and heart were definitely a work of God but misused by man. That is why it has been said that "the heart is treacherous, who can know it?" Another saying: "out of the heart's abundance the mouth speaks." <P>In the case of the A, some of the words that tumble forth from the mouths of our Ws's are truly from their heart. Does that make it always right? Well, it is one thing to feel a certain way but that in itself does not make it right. I base this on another saying: "Guard your heart for out of it are the sources of life." <P>We work with our children to mold their minds and hearts to be able to give them the best abilities to use as they mature. Yet some adults have not had that opportunity or develope bad habits. So a principle I have learned to follow is: "do not be misled, bad association spoils useful habits."<P>Does the A promote bad habits? IMHO, yes. Do WSs and OPs give bad advice while in the fog? IMHO, yes to promote their A. Is that bad advice always noticeable? No, not always and this is where it becomes dangerous. <P>Like the frog put in a pot of on the stove. The frog will jump out if put into boiling water. But slowly turn up the heat and the frog will sit until it cooks. Sorry for the bad comparison but that is how I view this A stuff. Thrown right in their face, many of the Wss would not have jumped into the A. Many would have ran away. But the subtle method worked until they were hooked and too weak for run.<P>This is not an excuse but something I have seen. The same can happen in other parts of our lives. So this conflict avoider stuff is another thing common thread I have seen but not necessarily 100%. <P>Thanks for those thoughts from Ruiz. <P>L. <BR>

SnL--<P>Motivation for you to read the book...I cut out the parts that would 'speak' to you...<P>In journalistic terms, I practices slanted reporting...I only reported what I wanted you to know...<P><BR>Proof positive that we 'listen' and 'read' that which speaks to us...<P><BR> shrugging shoulders <P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

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