I knew it would happen, and I thought I was prepared, but I wasn't!! I knew the minute he spoke to her---his attitude changed drastically toward me.<P>I probably LB'ed, but I couldn't help myself! We were doing so good last weekend, but something changed between Sunday and Wednesday (when he came home)---I knew. I asked. He lied.<P>He finally told me the truth today, but I am an emotional wreck---I thought we were moving past this! I wanted to yell and scream, and tell him to get out, and stay out---instead I said that I was trying to understand how hard it has been for him--and why the "no contact" with OW is there. <P>He realizes that he "changed" after the phone call, but now I feel that he thinks that "WE" are a mistake, and that he wants to be with her. <P>I did tell him that we could work it out, but we had to have the radical honesty. I told him if he wanted to be with her----then go! I want him happy! I don't want someone who doesn't want me!!!!<P>He knows that she is an illusion---but he can't get the fantasy out of his head (his thoughts). He still thinks that his feelings are his and that NOBODY has ever gone through this. He is giving up a "chance of a lifetime" of happiess with her---I know that we can have so much more than that, here in this marriage----<P>I just don't know what to do now. He promised (again) that he wouldn't speak to her.......<P>Advice anyone???<P>Thanks,<BR>krystal

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Faith n Him:<BR><B><P>He realizes that he "changed" after the phone call, but now I feel that he thinks that "WE" are a mistake, and that he wants to be with her. <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What struck me the most with your post is that YOU FEEL HE THINKS your M is a mistake. <P>My only advice is: talk to your H! Unless you didn't word yourself the way you intended... you are saying that you "assume" he feels your M is a mistake. So I say, stop assuming and start asking.<P>It is not uncommon to discover that there is still contact after recovery has begun. All this means, is that you're starting your recovery all over again. Are you willing to do that? Or are you going to up and quit right now? (give yourself a few days before you make a decision on that).<P>Karen<P><BR>

Topie--<P>What i really mean is that I think H is questioning where he should be. Is that normal??<P>He says that he doesn't want to lose us---but........<P>It is always there. I have spoken to him and he is so mixed up----I don't think he knows what he wants---<P>Is that normal A thinking??

i was just bumping this up, so maybe someone else has some advice.........<P>Thanks

H did tell you about it which I believe is a good thing. Getting it out in the open and not keeping it a secret that is. <P>"I did tell him that we could work it out, but we had to have the radical honesty. I told him if he wanted to be with her----then go! I have told WS the same thing. A little tough love is good I think, let the door open for the WS.<P>Be strong!

positive--<P>Thanks for the response. I am relieved that H told me about it, but I really wish it hadn't happened at all!!<P>I have told my H all along that if he didn't want me, then to please leave, and go be with her. He has refused. They had an EA, and he still says no PA. They haven't even seen each other but a couple of times (at a party) in 10 months. Their A lasted over the phone.<P>He says he wants to try to work things out, but he doesn't give the 100%effort needed to see if things will indeed workout. He is just coasting, hoping that his feelings will change without any effort on his part. i have told him that I could guarantee that the feelings won't be there, because he needs to try, try, try. I have even told him that if things don't work after 100% efforts on both of our parts, then we can go our own ways.<P>But I believe with my whole heart that things WILL work!<P>So what do I do now??? Wait..................<P>Krystal

Have you read "love must be tough" by James Dobson and "Boundaries in Marriage" by Townsend and Claude? They are good books. <P>You are right where you need to be - you are willing to let him go - if he choses but the problem is he is comfortable where he is: in between. I think you have to set boundaries to get him to make a choice. Right now you don't trust him because of his continued contact. What would it take for you to trust him again? Would the "no contact" letter help? Tell him to write it - then give him time to write it. But if he doesn't then he made his decision to be with her and let him go. Read "love must be tough" by James Dobson. By letting him go you also are giving him the decision to chose you which takes time but is what happens 95% of the time. But is that a risk you are willing to take? to be the 5% that doesn't make it? When you have had enough it will be. By doing this you are respecting yourself and demanding respect from him. <BR>

It sounds like Plan A needs top be continued and/or started if you haven't already done so (sorry don't know your situation). Don't set your goals to high. Try and keep them attainable so you don't get fustrated. Easier said than done I know, but worth the effort I think. I agree with Topie25 on taking a few days...this is a "rollercoaster" and has been for me.<P>I always have to remind myself to: take care of myself first. I know this can be easier said than done.<P>Do you know his Emotional Needs and how to meet them? Have the both of you completed the EN survey? Even if the survey hasn't been done I think a BS can complete it for the WS and target meeting the needs.<P>I read that truth and trust are built together and trust, truth & communication are very important to a W.<P>hang in there, sounds like things are headed in the right direction.<P><BR>

Resumed contact does happen quite frequently...even after the letter, even after the promises. And it sets withdrawal back, if not to ground zero, back.<P>He is still in withdrawal--the phone call, the questioning of where he should be are normal. Not fun, not fair, but normal in this abnormal world of infidelity.<P>Poor guy, he is so regular WS "nobody else has ever..." Sometimes I think an EA lends itself even more to fantasy than PA because "anything" could have happened, very little disillusionment of real life intruding.<P>5 weeks isn't so long. Take a deep breath and Plan A. But also make sure that he knows you will give him the freedom to leave if he so wishes. Open the cage door, like LOVE MUST BE TOUGH says. But if he is to stay, he is choosing to be a husband.<P>Gosh this is all such a tough balance...but another good thing to do is greet honesty with love and appreciation, not wailing & gnashing of teeth. Because if you react badly, he may feel it is not worth upsetting you for him to be honest.<P>It is good he is saying he won't contact her. Tell him it is important to you that he tells you if contact does take place.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Thank you all! Yes, I have been plan A-ing for awhile now. I am confused on the boundaries thing.<P>I told him that if she is in his life, then I cannot be. Period, end of story.<P>He told me that he wouldn't call her anymore. What do I take from that? Yes, I think he wants our Marriage, but I am not certain that he is willing or able to show me how much. Does that make sense?? He is living ina fantasy!<P>He knows that---he said that he knows if he went to her, then he is setting himself up for a big fall, and could NEVER come back to me----He said that not me!<P>I told him to go try things with her. Is she willing to live for every-other weekend with him? Is she willing to share him with our 2 kids? He lives 2 hours from here.....<P>Those are my boundaries----no contact, but I need more and told him so....I need a little effort....Not just coming home everyweekend and being here, but really trying to be a part of this family and marriage. Give an effort!<P>We were doing really good until the renewed contact--He started having even deeper doubts about us. He told me that when he thinks of things he shouldn't be doing, that her name comes to mind.....what will she think, and so on? Do you all know how that hurts me? He hasn't cared in so long how I feel...<P>I am sorry---I am very upset today---It makes it harder when he isn't here to talk to. He isn't a very good phone talker (to me) anyway. I guess I am just tired of it all!!<P>He doesn't think he is affecting the children at all! We have NOT told them about what is going on---just that Daddy opened a business in another town, and has to work there all week. It is too far to come home everynight! I feel that he doesn't have to accept anything that way, by keeping our children in the dark.....I also do NOT want to hurt them in any way!!<P>Does anyone have the answer???<P>Krystal