I would be keen to know how and if anyones relationship has improved following an affair.<P>Did the reconciliation involve counselling. What advice would you give to a couple starting out on the track of improving a relationship after an affair.

go over to the recovery board, there will be more people there who can answer your question. but from what I read yes, your marriage can & will be better if, & this is the big if, you both want it & are willing to work on your marriage. the Harley's bks & princpals work but it does take 2, & it does not happen over night.

My marriage is now stronger despite the horrific scar of the affair.We are 7 mo past d-day but didnt really notice significant improvements till about 5 mo past d-day. We had started counseling right away but H was still in contact with OW and waffled ALOT and so he quit for a few months and resumed in April after having moved out to live with OW for 6 weeks and then filing for divorce on me and cancelling it. His was a major mid life crisis- age 43 married 15 yrs 3 kids. OW was a single coworker who was desperate to get him to divorce me and marry him. We have been in weekly marriage counseling for months determining what underlying issues we have- ie.- H is passive agressive and controlling and a neatnik, I was withdrawn, depressed and unconfident. because we didnt fight much we didnt think we had real problems but they were just swept under the rug for years.H had issues involved his parents deaths during the past couple of years- and was mad at me for not getting along with them which fueled his anger at me. We are both conflict avoiders who FUNCTION well in our respective roles but we dont bare our true emotions to each other though we do love each other. With 3 kids aged teen down to 4 year old we became career/child focused and our intimacy went out the window. H had been verbally abusing me in recent years due to passive anger he had but denied that he had to himself. I withdrew which made it worse. We are now relating in more effective ways with each other and there is no longer a big power imbalance between us. I speak up and quit shying away from conflict issues with him. He thinks before he speaks in a mean way to me.If he hadnt been willing to go back to counseling and really work with me I dont think our marriage would have ever recovered in a meaningful way. We have also found church really essential in learning to forgive each other and rebuild the trust that both of us lost in each other during H's A. Its a long road and recovery is way harder than I thought it would be. Good luck- lifeismessy

<<<[QUOTE]Originally posted by TWINNYGIRL:<BR>[B]I would be keen to know how and if anyones relationship has improved following an affair.>>><P>Emphatic YES here! 2 years and 5 months past the end of my H's A. I never would have believed that things could be so great between us after the horror of his A. We have greatly improved communication, H isn't afraid to not be "Mr. Perfect" all the time, we both learned that keeping a good marriage takes conscious effort, etc. He realized how much I truly do love him. I hate that the A happened, but at the same time it was a "gift" I guess. I use the term gift in he same way that some cancer survivors say "Cancer was a gift". It was horrible, painful, life changing experience. But it taught us both the true meaning of love & what is really important in life. Nothing is taken for granted anymore and we are both thankful for every day that we have together.<BR>Did the reconciliation involve counselling. <P><<<What advice would you give to a couple starting out on the track of improving a relationship after an affair.>>><P>We didn't do counseling (I did some on my own while the A was in progress). LOTS of reading! Don't expect too much overnight. The first 6 months were awful for me. I was super paranoid and totally mistrusting, but I bit my tongue and kept from LBing too much. It got better after 6 months, but I woudl say the whole first year was really hard. So dont' expect it to be a quick process. Good luck!<BR>

YES! Believe it or not yes! When I read that fact 6 months ago (d-day was 6 months ago) I chuckled. How can a marriage not only survive, but be better?<P>I'm here to tell you it's true. My recovery was similar to fairy dusy, we didn't do couseling. I read and posted here alot (Plan A'd my butt off the whole time) while W delt w/ her feelings and actions. (she got pregnant due to A and terminated it). <P>But we just sat down and had a 6 month pow wow and we talked. I don't and won't ask about how she feels about OM and such, I only talk about us and our future...isn't that all that matters?<P>We both agree that out marriage is 100% better now than pre-A. We spend more time together, have more fun and better sex. We both hate the price we paid, but appreciate what it has brought to us.<P>It takes work, patience, understanding and education. You should read all you can to better know how to tackle this and understand what caused it.<P>Good Luck and keep it up <P>------------------<BR>...Keeping a stiff upper lip. Life begins on the other side of despair.<BR>-Scarlet Pumpernickle<BR>s_pumpernickle@yahoo.com

We are 6 months past d-day and well into recovery. We were married only 9 months when I discovered that my H had been having affairs with 10 women he met over the Internet. <P>This had been going on the entire time we were engaged and then married. In my H's case his XW left him for her OM. In my case my XH was a serial cheater and abuser who I eventually left.<P>Our marriage is happier and stronger now. As terrible as his affairs were, I also believe they are the catalyst that has led to our having a much better, stronger marriage. Let me explain.<P>I’ve never seen the class “Marriages 101” offered in any curriculum, not in high school or in college. Most of us go into marriage with no clue of how to make a marriage work. On top of that we have all sorts of emotional baggage from previous life’s experiences. A couple of weeks after d-day I found Dr. Harley’s book “Surviving An Affair”, In this book and his other books, and in this web site we have found the road map to a healthy marriage. We have been taking a crash course in marriage building.<P>By implementing the MB concepts of the rules of radical honesty, protection, care and time we have built a strong foundation.<P>By doing the questionnaires on emotional needs and personal history we know so much more about each other. We review our emotional needs weeks to see how each of us is doing in meeting them. A weekly fine-tuning if you will.<P>The recovery has also brought to closer together be we have spent untold hours talking to each other, holding each other, crying together. The affairs made us face our demons. They made us open up to each other in a way we might never have otherwise. We have truly become each other’s best friends and confidants. <P>Through all of this I have found that my H, SeenTheLight, is the remarkable and loving man I though he was when I married him. I also have found out that all of us can make terrible choices at times. But we can move beyond them. Today I love him more then I did the day we married. This is because I since D-day he has handled himself with such grace, strength and love. He has owned up to what he did and has told me that he caused my pain so it is his responsibility to help me heal. I know that this has not been easy for him but he did the right thing. <P>We have each gone to individual counseling to handle our own issues. As for joint counseling we have found that reading the MB books, doing the work they prescribe, implementing the MB principles in our lives, and participation on these forums have given us as much or more then couples counseling would have. <P>If my H’s affairs were the only way we could get to the point we are at in our marriage, then so be it. I would not change our path because I do not want to go back to what we had before. Today I can look back and see that our new love was superficial. That we did not know enough about each other. That we did not know enough about how to make a marriage work. I shutter at what our marriage would have been like down the road if we had not had this wake-up call. There is a silver lining to the storm clouds.<P>Z<p>[This message has been edited by zorweb (edited September 24, 2001).]

Twinnygirl, yes..we went to counselling. We kind of got sidetracked as we were pastors and I had the A but our church leadership basically kicked H around so badly--I believe our boss helped stage a "framing" so H would look like an imbezzler (how do you spell it?)<P>So even our C wrote to those responsible for our therapy and told them we needed more sessions due to the church interfering so much we couldn't get to the issues at hand.<P>That was almost 8 mos ago. (D-day Feb 15) Today H is not very happy out of ministry but responding to the call again, actively seeking out some kind of helping profession and maybe helping our pastor at our new church we attend.<P>I have an awesome job. Our 14 was suicidal in March when the church's big cure was to send us to a camp in an obscure village where 14 was certain not to receive the educational needs of a learning disabled child. Today she is a healthy girl..very smart (always was--one of those high IQ kids with a LD) learning to relate socially in a much healthier way; 12 keeps things in emotionally but still we are a much closer family.<P>We leaned heavily on "safe" friends for support. I swallowed my pride and told some friends we were too wrecked to even make a sandwich and they came with soup and casseroles. We prayed a lot. <P>H took sick leave and I was suspended so we had the unusual benefit of several months solely to concentrate on renewing our M and our love for one another. <P>I have finally reached the point where I forgave myself (took months to get there) and now want to try somehow to be mature about all that transpired. I prayed last Thursday to find some resolve about how terribly our former denomination treated my godly H and today--a miracle (lots of miracles happened to us, too)-the new bosses for the area phoned and want to take us out for dinner. I spoke with her and she kept saying But you two had 18 years experience..didn't that count for anything?<P>It's a rocky road and I believe if we make it to one year that's when I will really consider myself "recovered" but I will always work hard so H can trust me and our love can be renewed. I can be too harsh on H but some LBs I don't allow anymore as they were triggers that helped my demise..it was NOT H's fault..I do not mean that at all. But H admits the A was a wakeup call to things he knew we should have been working on and he just took for granted I could cope.<P>His incredible love and forgiveness have made all the difference along with my faith in God, even when I felt unworthy to pray.<P>Blessings to you on your journey together.<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

Twinnygirl,<BR>YES YES YES! The relationship we have now is so much better. My story is slightly irrevelent at this point, but the gist of it was a relationship gone comatose from neglect. It started out good, just fell by the wayside when life took over. <P>Recovery was hard..we had some false starts, repeated contact, and he wouldn't see a C or read a book until recently. Still won't see a C (that's fine with me now, since the levels of communication are better than before--non LB behavior works!) and has skimmed the EN book for about 1 hour one night.<P>He put it best.."It's like now we are the best we can be and our relationship proves it."<P>Fun? We have fun together..like the book says..at least 15 hours a week..was hard at first, but Heaven help anyone who gets in our way now.<P>Conversation? Almost too much..and no subject is taboo...<P>Passion? eyes wide open and going strong for a 45/60 combination. Never knew it could be this way.<P>Do I still get insecure? sometimes, but,I'm able to tell him and he cares enough to listen one more time<P>Does she still try to contact him? yup, but he let's me know, we both use one word to describe how that makes us feel. Mine was pissed...his was bored!<P>Was it worth it...the struggle, crying, trying "one more time" to get it right...oh yes! My best advice? Don't give up.<P>Hang in there,<BR>T<p>[This message has been edited by Twyla (edited September 25, 2001).]

Yes, <BR>The relationship is better. We are still "young" at getting over this but I was thrilled this week and I did tell both the counselor and H yesterday in counseling that I was happy to see that H had erased the email messages on his laptop without my saying anything. This was a huge step forward in restoring some trust for me from him. We are both working hard at this relationship and I insisted on councelling at once. If he wouldn't have agreed, I told him I would have gone for myself as I possibly couldn't have handled it alone. I am also on antidepressants at this point and it seems to be helping. Understand, it doesn't put me in a cloud or decrease the hurt, I'm still working through that. I'm very hopeful at this point and realize there will still be major ups and downs but we have both taken responsibility for our actions and willing to work on it. Praise the Lord!!! I am so thankful for that.<BR>Mikkey

Yes, or relationship has improved since D-day. Communication has been more open. W and I got into raise the kids and work without allowing time for us.<P>It has been said here many times and I agree with the fact that it is and will be a Rollercoaster of emotions.<P>It has been worth it i believe. Has been a little over one year since D-day. I can now hear/know about continued contact without LBing all over the place.<P>No conselling. I read alot, post here for support and keep improving myself.<P>I believe it is all worth it. Before I leave W I will have known that I did all I could to save our 20 year M.<P><BR>Good Luck!

I believe it does...but only if you have two working together!! If only one party is working hard, you get 50% results. If both are committed to healing, working together, growing together and honest...then it gets better and stronger!!<P>Trueheart