I am sure there are a lot of us here who would like to know how the talk with your w went. When you feel ready, be sure to post, won't you?<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

It didn't. We had about two hours to spend together and I didn't feel comfortable with the small window of opportunity. I have scheduled tele. appointment with one of the Harley's for this afternoon, as well as an appointment with our MC. I'll update later.<BR>Thanks all.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Bad Hubby (edited September 24, 2001).]

OOOHHH, Why did I KNOW you'd say that?<P>BadHubby, that was a classic case of withdrawal from reality...c'mon man, you are bigger than that! We all had such faith in you...YES it is hard, YES it is painful, but there is NO road to recovery until you tell all. A road paved with lies will have pot holes.<P>Do you want to be with your wife? Ask yourself honestly. Do you??? If the answer is yes, you must confirm what she already knows...the confirmation will kill her,(but ALL BS's are stronger than the WS's think) and it is good that you care enough to know this, but you cannot build a future based on lies and deceit.<P>C'mon, be honest...weren't you looking for a reason NOT to tell her? Why? Okay, I know, it takes guts to admit what you've done, and you have the benefit of knowing how she might react, and the questions she will ask, and that scares the hell out of you. But did you look at the latest link on your smaller thread? It explains why you need to tell the truth.<P>Please please tell her, and do not lie at any point. Soften the blow if you HAVE to, but DO NOT LIE.<P>Sending you love and light,<P>Jacky<P>

Bad Hubby<BR>We know that this is truly a life changing time for you. I'm so pleased to hear that you have an appointment with one of the Harleys, this shows your sincere effort to be truly informed. <BR>Many of us have been on this board for awhile and are further along in the "mind set" of knowledge given here. You have come a long way in a precieved short time, you stated that this is the first time in 2yrs that you have felt guilt and remorse for the A.<BR>I'm not one of the experts but I can lend support and prayer. You seem sincere and I believe you are.<BR>My money is still on YOU!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Marry

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR><B>OOOHHH, Why did I KNOW you'd say that?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Yes, I'll admit I happily accepted any excuse not to tell her. But I do give merit to the circumstance of limited time. There are other issues which I do not wish to dicuss here, that's why I scheduled an appointment with Jen Harley today.<P>To answer your question whether I want to be with W, sometimes yes, sometimes no. There are times when I feel absolutely nothing for her. But then there are times (few and far between) that I do feel something. I had that moment a short while back, then nothing.<P>One of the biggest reasons I have decided to persue the endeavor of admitting the A and working toward recovery is my experience of reading "SAA".<P>I can relate immensely to the WS of the primary couple which Harley used as an example in the book. I believe it was "Sue and Jon". She maintained that she felt nothing for her BS, no love or whatever. Yet she learned to love her H again. That gave me a lot of hope. <P>Of course everybody here has given me lots of encouragement and that's been helpful in dealing with the inevitable task which I face.<P>I have been asked by you and others the question of whether or not I love my W, whether or not I want a life with her. I guess by being here that questioned has been answered. I suppose, I mean something's keeping me here right?<P>I do not feel a burning desire to be with my W. I will admit there's a spark there, but it's barely visible. I know she loves me, but like the WS of Harley's couple in the book SAA, I feel very close to dead. Another thing that I've admitted before, if it weren't for the kids, I'd have filed for D a long time ago.<P>Someone said in an earlier post to a previous thread, "if you love your wife, tell her about the A, if not then spare her the pain and move on". I know there's nobody who can tell me whether or not I love her and want to be with her for the rest of my life, but I guess I just need to address the issue in couseling...whether it'll help shed light on what I feel deep down or not, I won't know until it happens.<P>I am just venting. Please all, resist the tempation of pointing out my contradicitons, cunfusion and indecision have that effect on me.<P><BR>

Badhubby,<P>Look at SEM and myself. Look at how much futher in recovery we could be if I would have told him everything right away. Shoot we could be years into recovery, If I wasn't so scared of telling him, and would have told him years ago. Belive me, I know it's scary, and your stomach is all knotted up. You feel like waving a wand and make all the bad past go away. But it does't. So face your fears. Nothing to fear but fear itself. Talk to her. Stop making excuses it just makes it easier for you to lie more...If she already suspects then you got a start. Tell her that she is correct on that.<P>Good luck. My prayer's are with you both. Sherry

Think back BH,<P>You took wife out, wined and dined her, said you had a wonderful time. Alas, the spark!<P>Then, the next day contact with OW. Doesn't matter what kind of contact, any will do. Surprise (no surprise)! Feelings for wife are overshadowed by the thrill of your addiction to OW.<P>Seeing the glass half empty instead of half full? I'd encourage you to seriously consider the very real possibility that you may be suffering from depression. A very short course of meds helped my H and he says they gave him the boost he needed to be able to fix things for himself and get back on the right track. Hang in there and come clean, the sooner the better for both of you. We're rooting for you!<BR>

Hi BH:<P>I understand this is hard for you...doing something that you don't want to do...for many reasons...but something that has to be done. In reading your posts in the last week it struck me that part of your hesitancy has little to do with you wife and a lot to do with the eventuality of having to give up OW....at least while you are vascilating<BR>you can continue to have OW for a little longer.<P>I think deep inside you know that with the revelation will come the demand to sever contact with OW...and at that point you will have to chose...the marriage or OW. Right now you don't have to chose...and its still what you want...to not have to chose. <P>I can see that right now you are heavily into denial about the marriage and your love for your wife...probably a result of being with OW again....you were much stronger in your belief in saving your marriage last week when you were trying to break off things with OW.<P>This is why breaking contact with OW is essential to testing the survivability of your marriage...it simply can not be done with OW in the picture to maintain the illusion of the A and the apparent perfection to be found in that relationship...as opposed to the picture of a marriage relationship that needs a lot of work to restore.<P>In addition don't underestimate the power of the A and that viberate sexual relationship to maintain that illusion. All in all...an A is a hard thing to give up...but you have to decide if your wife and family are worth it....and you can't do that and have OW too. If she is truly the person you believe she is and your feelings are as real as you believe they are....they will survive this attempt on your part to "do the honorable thing" and try and save your marriage. If not...then you have lost nothing and hopeful gained a new marriage.<P>I think you know what needs to be done...nows the time to do it...it's going to hurt either way.<P>Faye

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bad Hubby:<BR><B> <BR> But I do give merit to the circumstance of limited time. There are other issues which I do not wish to dicuss here, that's why I scheduled an appointment with Jen Harley today.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Ok, not trying to stick up for BH, but I can attest to the fact that he does have some other issues he can't discuss here. I think those issues do have marrit and he wasn't being selfish in any way with his concerns of not telling his W. I think now that he has discussed it with a professional, he doesn't have any reasons not to tell her. I just hope he has the courage to do so.<P>Sorry BH, I felt maybe I could help with this, hope that's OK.

Lordy, lordy .... I certainly hope those "other issues" aren't something that will get in the way of Recovery of your marriage ... if that's what you want, BH.<P>

Bh, you may just need to take a few days off work and go for it. I don't know how you could warn W she might need this, too.<P>I chose a weekend when I knew H would not be on duty to preach to make my confession. I told on a Thursday, knowing we were to go to camp Friday. We were given the option not to go to camp and looking back, we should have found a way to send both our kids (even though one was too young for teen wkd) and just spent that time crying and talking.<P>Yes, your W will be livid. But there is a good chance that she will amaze you like many many heroic BSs here by choosing to forgive. She likely won't feel that way immediately. She already knows your semi-admission by your not answering and us WSs rarely realize how much our BSs are generally on to us at such a time. Please try to take the pressure off for both of you. <P>She is worth the price of sweating bullets and shaking like a leaf. She is worth more than you have realized until now. You are still numb..again normal. Whatever happens, I guarantee you are going to start improving in time just by the admission. Which needs the inclusion of a promise to yourself...an unbreakable vow of absolutely no more contact with OW. <P>I think you really know all this. We are hounding you, it seems but it's because we know from experience "it's the right thing to do" and your motives are right. You have done wrong and want to make amends. <P>We do believe in you, BH. Please tell while you are the one who can break it to her..hearing from anyone else would be a much greater betrayal than one could bear, I think. There is no magic cure. I kept hoping for that during my A..that someone would swoop in (indeed I shoved a woman at him to get myself off the hook but found I was too hooked at that point) or some act of God might release you but reality is...you have to make the first step.<P>BH, we are here to help you get back up and hold you up so you not only will you walk again but you will run with grace and dance in freedom.<P>Here's hoping she forgives you.<P>------------------<BR>Fresh Start

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SEM:<BR><B> Ok, not trying to stick up for BH, but I can attest to the fact that he does have some other issues he can't discuss here. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's perfectly ok SEM. Yes, SEM is right everybody. And the underlying circumstances to which I have attributed part of my reluctance have been downgraded by some professional counseling. <P>So tonight, I've no valid reason or excuse not to do the right thing, that which my friends here have encouraged me to do all along. I had to wait, as SEM knows, to either confirm or desolve the only reason I belived valid for delaying the inevitable.<P>If I can remain strong, it will be tomorrow. No doubt, the rest of the week wil be very tough for both of us.<BR> <P>

You are absolutely right mthrrhbard. Thank you for reminding me of that. As for med's, let's just say I am on my way. I will never discount the possibility (or likelihood of depression on this end). And if I ever do, then please slap me hard.<P>

I knew it, I just knew you would do the right thing. I can tell by the way you have excepted the, strong but insightful, coaching that has lovingly been given to you here.<BR>Now you get to find out if you are the kind of man you say you are. <BR>You have alot of prayers going your way and many of them will be from readers who never post.<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Marry

BadHubby,<P>Sending lots and lots of healing light to you and your wife.<P>And a bit more to for you to give you strength tomorrow to do the right thing.<P>Jacky

Keep walking toward the light. You ARE doing the right thing! <P>Please do not feel ashamed of the need for meds. You'd be surprised how many people need it to get through. H resisted such medication for years but when it came to not being able to drive more than a block and we live in a city, he decided he better get some help. He has been able to wean off them a few months ago.<P>You need to be good to yourself, too. Forgiving yourself is important (while recognizing the pain you caused W and yourself). You will need extra rest.<P>And how awesome to see that you will have a lot of friends here to help you through. Lean on all of us, that is more than OK. <P>Blessings!

Bad Hubby<P>As some other Mbers will tell you I won't hestitate to give you a slap if I think you need it . <P>Right now I just want to give you a big cyber hug and reassure you that right now you have no way of understanding the good things that can come out of a mistake such as yours. I want to offer encouragement and reassurance that it is possible, very possible to have a marriage that surpasses everything you've dreamed.<P>I pray that your wife is compassionate and forgiving( after she gets over the shock and bulk of the pain) and that you find the right words to comfort her in her sorrow. God's bleassing to you and to your marriage.<P>

a gentle bump, we're thinking of you!