This seems so insignificant but if my H is being dishonest about little things - it makes me wonder. My H was WS and moved home last week. He still has a couple things at his apartment that we planned on moving over the weekend but it rained. He said his friend asked to use his key because he left "something" at his house. But H didn't know what and didn't ask. Now today his friend's girlfriend emailed me to "thank us" for letting them use his apartment. They are currently separated and staying with his parents. I asked my H if he knew they used his apartment and he said no but that he would talk to his friend and asked me not to say anything to his girlfriend about us not knowing they used it. I don't agree with him. I think I should let her know we didn't know they were going to use it. But then again... maybe my H knew and is just lying to me about not knowing. I am not comfortable about this. I want to talk to her but I need to make sure it is an enthusiastic agreement with my H. Maybe the 4 of us should sit down and talk about it. <P>Any advise?...

Hi NH. It doesn't really sound like your H is lying or not using radical honesty. Just sounds like you and he disagree on how to resolve this issue. <P>You need to at least sit down with H and POJA. You don't agree with the way he wants to deal with it, so talk to him about it.<P>I am curious though, what am I missing? It does not seem like such a big deal that your two friends would use your H's apartment. I know your H did not know about it, but that should be his beef with his friend, why does it upset you so much? Because you don't understand his reaction and think he may be lying? <P>How come you don't just let him handle it? (Just curious, you have a right to want to POJA and get involved, it just seems like something your H should handle on his own)...<P>Just curious...<P>HbH

hurtbyhubby,<BR>My main issue is trusting him. He does have a tendancy to lie about things that are insignificant. He is the WS so obviously there was a lot of lying in the passed. It just gets me confused when he lies about stupid/insignificant things. But you know, he may be telling the truth. I just have trust issues.<P>I sent him this email. Please let me know if you think I LB but I need to be radically honest about my confusion and feelings. <P>H,<BR>We need to come up with an Enthusiastic Agreement on<BR>the decision you made for me not to discuss with (girlfriend of friend) about them using your apartment. My main issue right now is trusting you. The fact you said (guyfriend) left "something" at your apartment and you didn't know what and you didn't ask sounds a little strange to me. The fact that you don't want me to say anything to (girlfriend of friend) about it sounds strange to me. If you did let them use your apartment I won't say anything to (girlfriend of friend) but we can discuss that later. We need to be radically honest. But if you really didn't know, I am not sure, I still want to discuss later why you don't want me to say anything to (girlfriend of friend).<P>Here is my H reply<P>cuz it's between (guyfriend) and I.<BR>talk to u later about it.<P>

Is this apartment YOURS and H's? Or your H's and GF?<P>Confused here !

It is my husband's apartment when we were separated. He moved back home on Tues and hasn't gotten everything out of there yet. The GF is not his GF it is his friends GF. It sounds like the couple (friends of ours) just had a little romantic get-away and used his apartment since we are both in our house. But my H said they did this without permission... a little weird. His friend said he wanted his apartment key because he left "something" there. I know everyone is thinking "why would her H lie about that?" but in the passed he does lie about things that don't matter one way or another if he is lying about. It is part of his passive agressiveness. I just want to make sure we are both keeping the Policy of radical honesty. <BR>

bump<BR>

I think I get it. I think you're making out to be bigger than it is, NH.<P>If your H's friend used the apartment w/o your H knowing, then it is between your H and his friend. He probably doesn't want you to discuss it with (friend's girlfriend) because he doesn't want to get his friend in trouble.<P>The issue here is not that his friend used the apartment, it is that you think his reponse to your questions seem "fishy", right?<P>So, just forget about everything else and simply write your H back and say:<P>"Okay. I understand it is between your friend and you. I just am having a hard time believing that you did not really know your friend was using the apartment. It feels like you are hiding something from me, and it brings up old triggers. I just want the truth, whatever it may be, please just tell me one more time if you really did not know what he was doing, or if there is more and you just aren't telling me. I would also like it if you could explain why exactly you don't want me to tell (friend's girlfriend), is it because you don't want to get him in trouble? I will believe whatever you say and let you handle this problem with your friend on your own.<P>I am not interested in getting involved, I just want to know you are telling me the truth. That is all that matters to me right now. I am interested in how in turns out though, please let me know what happens." <P>Then you really have to let it go and let your H deal with his friend. It really is none of your business. The part that is your business is whether or not your H is lying about something small. This you can question him about...<P>Let us know how he responds.<BR>HbH

thanks, hurtbyhubby<P>I liked your suggestion so much I copied and pasted it and sent it to my H.<P>He replied that his friend did mention he wanted to get away. <P>I feel better.<BR>

you have made my day.