I talked to the WS a few minutes ago and told her I would be home tomorrow. I ask her what the sleeping arrangments would be. She said anywere I want. Then I was being nice and asking her how she was and how the kids were. Then she told me that I was acting like nothing has happened and I was acting like Mr. happy A$$. I told her that I knew that we had problems that we had to address and we would have time to sit down and discuss them when I got home. She told me not to try and change her mind or anything because was too late for that. She told me that there was to much hurt and resentment towards me and we don't have a thing to talk about that is good! Why is it that she always lets me have it when things go bad and I am just sitting there with a stupid look on my face! She pulls up every bit of everything that I have wronged her with, most of it I didn't even know about, and says that it is over and that I don't care for her and never did. It just blows my mind at what she has held against me for years. Why does it always seem to happen that way? It is hard to fix something that you don't think is broke! I need some ideas on how to carry myself in the next two weeks. I know that she is going to hit me with everything she has pushed inside her from the time I met her. I know that I will be under constant attack for the next two weeks and I am trying to put my armor on and let her have at it. My goal is to not lose my temper and try like hell to love her through this very trying time.<BR>I need your advise on how to survive this attack and keep a level head. <P>Any advise is welcome! I'm lost and I only have less than 24 hrs.

Why are you going home, if she isn't ready for you to come home??

Where do I go? That is the only place I have to go! I thought you were suposed to start with plan A before reverting to plan B! <P>I am coming home from work. I work in the oilfield and work offshore and overseas. <BR>I didn't know if you knew that.<P><BR>No problem, I kind of thought you got the wrong idea..... FiH<BR>[This message has been edited by Roughneck (edited September 24, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Roughneck (edited September 24, 2001).]

What I mean is, are you away on a trip---or what? Sorry I haven't read any other posts of yours..<P>I took it that you had been out of the house for awhile and are moving back in.... sorry again

Being apart while you are at work must be terrible! How long do you have to be gone at a time?? Can she call you whenever she wants on the oil rig? <P>She is probably feeling pretty lonely with you being gone---She has to take care of the kids alone, the house, bills, etc.... She is probably pretty resentful of you being gone so far away!<P>She needs to talk to you---reconnect in some way. Just let her vent for awhile, and then start Plan A. When I talk on the phone, it is so very different than when i am face-to-face with my H. I can say more hurtful things when i don't have to see him.<P>We are all looking back with that hindsight---what could we have done differently? Alot, if we would've known, but all we can do is go from here, and promise to make a better and more fulfilling life from here on out. Too late?? I choose not to believe that!<P>Krystal

Krystal,<P>Thanks for the advice. I know that she is lonely. If she misses me half as much as I miss her and the kids when I am gone I know what she feels. I don't like being gone like this. Especially when we are at the point we are at now. It is torcher to leave. I have to deal with so much when I walk out that door. My children crying at my feet because they don't want me to leave. It tears me up to see her and the kids do that. I don't show it then but I always cry when I leave. I always want to quit my job and do something around home but there isn't much for a man to do around there to make a good living. I have to provide for my family! I'm third generation oilfield and had to deal with my dad being gone like this. It was a part of my life. I don't resent my father for what he had to do to make a better life for his family. To me, he made the ultimate sacrifice! True, my mother had to be a lot stronger than she should have been but she did what she had to do to make it work. She didn't turn to anyone to help her while he was gone. They were, and still are one! <P>To answer your questions, yes, she always has a way to contact me. I give her the number to the rig and I check my e-mail regularly. I don't tell her to call only if it is an emergency, I tell her to call me when ever she feels like it. <BR>I know she has a lot on her and I understand how hard it is to raise three kids and try to keep a home. I spent a week taking care of the kids while I let her go to Memphis for a week. I try to let her get out and do what ever she wants when I come home but she doesn't have anything that she likes to do but getting in the damn chat room. <BR>She wonders why I have been so distant towards her in the last few months. First, I HATE the time that she spends on the computer. Second, I have been suspecting something for a while and I thought I was going crazy and I didn't want to start something without some kind of proof. I got that proof after she came back from Memphis. She told me about her feelings for her "friend" Third, I find it very, very hard to have any time for us to be alone together when we have a 1 yr old running around all day and sleeps with us. (Her idea) She wonders why I don't want her, hell the only chance we get is when the baby goes to bed (about midnight)<BR>and we have to be quiet in the living room to keep from waking the children. Hell, I can't even make love to my wife in our own bed. Yes I want her but locking the doors in the bathroom and covert latenight operations suck!<BR>I know it is not all her fault, none of this is but I want her to see my side too. She keeps telling me that all of this is my fault. From the time that we met to the present, it's all my fault. I made her have the A's I pushed her to OP. I can't believe that. I don't believe that! When is she going to realize what this is doing to us all and when is she going to take responsibility for her own actions and not blame them all on me? I take full responsibility for my actions. I know that I am not always right! I'm human, by far perfect but not a bad person either. <P>Sorry, just venting! Got to get this out before I head home!

Would like to talk to you some off the boards. If you would care to. email is jdmac1@yahoo.com<P> What you are going through is PURE hell. I have not dealt with anything even remotely close to the pain of the affairs my wife had. Everything you describe is exactly what I have dealt with(well, not anything like the job).<P> Everything is/was my fault, as far as she is concerned. Trust me, let that stuff go for now. Freely admit your faults. Hold nothing back even if what she says sounds ridiculous or is outright lies. To HER what she is saying is the complete truth. <P> I know how impossible this will be for you. Especially since you are oilfield. Just knowing the type of people who work in the patch, this is going to be almost completely impossible. But, it is extremely important that you stay calm and let this stuff roll off your shoulders. Take it on the chin. <P> Hard to do for anyone. It is going to be even harder for you. Just as it is/was for myself. Just ease up on the pride and do not take it personal. <P> I know what you said about other work in your area. But please, at least think about the possibility and even talk it over with wife. Being gone like you are/have been has to be the hardest thing a wife can ever deal with in marriage. <BR>Most oil people are also married to their work. Thing is, that rig can't snuggle up with you at night. <P> Keep us posted on the outcome of your time off. Come here to vent, rant, and rave. Or ya can email this ole piece of oilfield trash.(Man I used to take such pride in being called that term...sigh)<P> jd<P>

It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault...

Roughneck,<BR>I don't know your whole story and just got a sense of what's going on in your life by this thread, but I would like to give you another perspective, if that's OK.<P>This thread grabbed me because it is very much like my own situation but with a twist: I am the BS, my H is the alleged WS. Very brief background: he works away from home all week long (he's in the computer/sutomated building systems industry)which is, for us, new. He's been at this job now for one year and I have to admit, I hate it. He always worked long, hard hours but at least he used to live at home. Being apart like this is so very foreign to me, but for him, it started out like a grand adventure. The only problem was that he had an EA (and possible PA) last year and of course, "I was to blame." Don't buy the blaming issue, Roughneck!! One of the easiest and quickest defenses for a WS is to blame the BS for their wandering.<P>Like you, I get the whole barrage of complaints and accusations, or at least, I used to. Everything was MY fault, right down to his need to make a new job choice. I finally came to the conclusion that his remarks were all justifications for his bad choices. It made his guilt over the A easier for him to bear. <P>What I want to say to you is that some women can never adjust to their man being away from home so much. Some women can, but a lot of them are not capable of this way of life. I fall somewhere in between. I am trying like hell to get used to it and to make the best of it, but with each passing day, my spirits fall even farther down. It is so lonely! I can't imagine living like this with an infant to take care of. I hope she has a lot of family support, or some close friends to help her out from time to time. <P>Here is a thought: did you ever tell her that you cry when you have to leave to go back to work? Does she understand how hard this is for you, too? I cannot imagine a woman not warming up to her man when she knows how much he misses her and dislikes having to go away! <P>Just curious here. Were you in this line of work when you met each other, or did you go into it afterwards? Either way, it sounds to me like your W is longing for a more 'normal' way of life, that is, a man who comes home to her each night. I'm sorry, but this is a huge issue for many wives, and I'm one of them. I would give anything if things could go back to the way they were before he took this new job! To me, it's like being married in name only--there is so little connectedness that it's almost ridiculous. At least you tell your W that she can call you anytime and you invite her to do so. I don't even have that luxury and call him ONLY when there is some kind of emergency. He calls me at his convenience, which is every day, but only once a day. To me, this is like a living hell.<P>I think your W feels a little like I do, Roughneck. Married but not married--attached to someone but oh, so far apart. It's not the dream most girls have for when they grow up! <P>The only solution would be for you to find another job, it seems. Is that possible? If not, then I'm afraid the two of you are in for a very rough time of things. God bless....<BR>Hugs,<BR>Winny<P>PS..<BR>I just read this someplace and thought it might apply: "Like your job but love your wife."