Holy moly,<P>SnL, JUST DO SOMETHING ALREADY. Be like Nike, Just Do It.<P>I was in the same position as you for about 2 months, but I finally just made up my mind and said Forgetaboutit. Not doing ANYTHING is just not fair to ANYONE! Not You, not your Wife, not the OW. So get your thumb out of your A** and pick something and go with it. There was power in that decision!<P>If somebody threatened you with a knife to your throat right now and asked you to make a quick choice, who would it be? Wife or OW? For me, I realized my wife and daughter deserved at least a chance at reconciliation, the OW, although I loved her, I owed nothing. I understood finally that if I really tried to be happy with my wife and it didn't work out, then at least I would understand the situation and be able to move on (separate and divorce). <P>You confuse me! I was not this frustrating as a WS. Answer these questions and get a move on:<P>1) Why are you so afraid to separate from your wife? If you hate it there so much, then just move out. That's why they call it SEPARATING and NOT DIVORCE! If you move out for 3 months and find that you can't stand to be away from your wife, then GO HOME. Your wife will understand!<P>2) If you are Sooooooo in love with your OW, then why are you so afraid to leave your wife? If I understand you correctly, you are much like me, and morality and ethics don't enter into your emotional decision making matrix... so... come on... be logical here... if you leave your wife, and you go the OW, who is your soulmate, then I see no problem! You will be happy, and your wife will be happy to be rid of you.<P>You are exactly the same way I was 2 months ago. Stop being afraid of doing SOMETHING. Stop writing on this godd**n board and get a life. Holy Cow! (All you people with Member status really need to get off the internet more often-- go be with your spouse and families). <P>You can't chose to be In-love with your wife. But you can choose to try to resolve all your emotional needs with her. Give it that effort, give yourself a timeline (3 months... 5 months...) and if it doesn't feel any better, then move out, get a place and go Discover yourself!<P>Trust me. I'm at home now... I still feel the sting of leaving the OW... but you know, being at home isn't really ALL BAD... I'm considering it as dating a completely new person (with a kid)... either I'll like her and fall in love and we'll (re)marry or I'll say Adios, and find someone else. I no longer feel bad about it. We are re-learning each other... I'm sure we married too early, but all our expectations are on the table now and we'll see what happens.<P>Works for me. Give it a shot. Or don't, and just leave. You can't sit in a brain-dead quagmire of logic and circular reasoning and arguments with Anonymous Internet People and expect to find any insight into your emotions. Go home, or leave. When you change your situation, you will begin to Feel again. I'm not saying you will feel love for your wife, but you will feel Something, either good or bad.<P>Change your situation! Be a man already. I really appreciate all your great arguments and insights on the board, but I'm losing respect daily for you as I see you ramble day after day after day after day... and it's always the same thing.<P>No Ill Respect intended to anyone, I'm just trying to help because I think my point of view was similar to yours.<P>Cheers, have a good evening all.<P>-V<BR>

Oops double post. Sorry.<p>[This message has been edited by venizio (edited September 26, 2001).]

CJACK --<BR>nice story -- but WHAT IF??? <P>What if, instead of spending years of discontent, they had divorced?....what if they both found true love?....what if they both found "soul-mate" kind of love elsewhere?....what if at the end of their lives they were more fulfilled and content and had a happier existence and experience in life because they choose not to "settle"???<P>I think its also possible to have no regrets with the decision to divorce too.....

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lexxxy:<BR><B>but WHAT IF??? <P>What if, instead of spending years of discontent, they had divorced?....what if they both found true love?....what if they both found "soul-mate" kind of love elsewhere.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh, Lexxy,<P>Talk about CIRCULAR LOGIC!!!!! P U U L L E E E E Z ! ! !<P><B> true love </B> ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? P U U L L E E E Z ! !<P><B> "SOUL-MATE" </B> ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? <P>You are another one with your head up your ----- uh, OK, disrespectful....sorry. I just see you as ANOTHER WS who WILL NOT "let go" of <I> soul-mate </I> BS and try, really TRY to make your M work.<P>Don't you think they HAD soul-mate type love finally???? Don't you think they HAD <B>TRUE LOVE </B>?? What the he$$ did you think Cjack was talking about?!?!?!?!?!<P>Wouldn't you like to leave at least knowing that you gave it your BEST shot, not that you just "gave it a shot, but I doubt it'll work..." before you declare it DOA?<P>You just don't get it. You don't want to do the work to make it right....you just want it to WORK. If not, then it must NOT be "true love" or soul-mate thingys, so I'm outta here.....NOT that a good marriage requires hard work. <P>I just really wish those of you who "don't get it" would just fish or cut bait, and let your poor BS's GET ON WITH THEIR GRIEF so they could heal and move on to a better relationship without your rationalizing B---S--- holding them back.<P>M is about commitment, it's about keeping vows, it's about "for better or WORSE" - what the HE## do you think that means???????????????? WHAT could be <B> <I>worse </I> </B> than this????????????? It's NOT about <B>YOU</B> finding your ONE TRUE LOVE WHO FITS YOU (cause the going gets tough, and you don't want to stick around for the "worse" part - just jump to a new partner)........if it is......then to borrow a phrase from S_N_L ---- <B> "You just aren't M material.</B><P>Lupo<P>Flame away. You whiners are just getting to me tonight. <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lexxxy:<BR><B>CJACK --<BR>nice story -- but WHAT IF??? <P>What if, instead of spending years of discontent, they had divorced?....what if they both found true love?....what if they both found "soul-mate" kind of love elsewhere?....what if at the end of their lives they were more fulfilled and content and had a happier existence and experience in life because they choose not to "settle"???<P>I think its also possible to have no regrets with the decision to divorce too.....</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>While I also think it is possible to have <B>few</B> regrets after a divorce, I think you missed my point entirely. They <B>did find true love</B> with each other. After all this time, they realized that their "soul-mate" had been with them all along. They were unwilling to "settle" for abandoning the promises they made to each other when they were young. They were unwilling to "settle" for divorce.<P>They are extremely fortunate to be able to look back on their lives and know that the tough decisions they made were the <B>right decisions.</B> What if they divorced at one of those crossroads in their marriage? Maybe they could have started anew, maybe they could have found someone "better." Who knows? <P>The problem with this kind of thinking is that the grass is always greener on the other side. My Ex-wife's "soul-mate" (that she left me for) turned out to be a complete loser. It took her over a year to realize this. Now she has to go out looking for "true love" again. The next "true love" won't last, either, because at some point (when he starts losing his hair, or won't clean up the garage, etc.) she will come to the false realization that she has "settled," and she'll go wandering again. After all, she didn't think she was "settling" when we got married, that only happened when she needed a justification for her affair.<BR>

Lupo --<BR>I only used those words because that is what is used in the story. I personally don't buy into the soulmate stuff. <P>I don't think OM is my SOULMATE. Neither is my H. <P>It works both ways Lupo -- you may have your BS frustrations. Buts theres a bunch on the other side too.<P>