H and i have been getting along reasonably well since my last post.<BR>but something has been bothering me andi cannot pinpoiunt the just cause of it.<P>brief recap : H had 2 month Long EA with a co worker Dday 1 year ago i believe no contac since H switched jobs 11 months ago.<P>H and i used to like the same kind of music. (mostly soft rock) since his A he has been listenig to heavy metal (BLAH) and whenver i have a soft rock station playing he changes it.<P>I have found out the the XOW also listens to soft rock and asked him if his change in music had anything to do with her. <P>His reply...... well its a good thing isnt it?<P>according to H they did not have "a song" <BR>but we do our wedding song was playing the other day and i asked him if he knew what song it was ....he didnt... ugh<P>also last night a male friend of ours asked us if we knew of anyone to fix him up with. <BR>H's reply.... yeah i do but her husband might get mad...(pertaining to OW)<BR>THIS FRIEND DOES NOT KNOW ABOUT HIS A <BR>later i said to H why would he make a comment like that<BR>he replied that it was only a joke.. hmmm yeah funny<P>this is not the first time he has mentioned fixing her up.<P>every now and then he will make some dumb comment about her.<P>example....... "if things didnt turn out the way they did shed be a great babysitter"<P>" you two would have been great friends"<P>my personal favorite...." i had the A with her cause she reminded me of you" hack cough gag barf.<P><BR>any WS's out there have a logical explaination for this?<P><BR>also i believe that H is very unhappy with life in general.<BR>i think he is depressed with "routine" life.<BR>working every day, rasing kids, being a family, <BR>just stuff that are obligations.<P>i have not approached him on this nor will I.<P>but my thoughts are one day hes gonna get so fed up with " ordinary life" that he will just decide he doesnt want it anymore and leave.<P>i am perfectly capable of supporting our baby and our soon to be born one on my own with the exception that i need him to drive me to work ( i do not have a license) and possibly sit with the kids<P>i guess this is just a vent/<BR>thanks for listening<P>

LuvontheRox...<P>Can you say Withdrawal?<BR>Can you say Guilt?<BR>Can you say Crawl in a hole and pull a rock over it?<P>My gut instinct is all the above. Your H is going through withdrawal, guilt over the affair, wants to hide from everyone and everything. He is searching for some reasoning to feel better, to make it all go away, to find who he is again. He has good days and bad, just like we all do, but for him right now everything is magnified. He is trying to find his relationship with you. He is trying to heal, grow, and let go all at once. His radio station thing is his way of letting go...he doesnt want to be reminded her or the A.<P> Sometimes the BS forgets that No Contact also means No Memories...don't go there, don't revisit situations, places, songs, pictures...it is how we have to let go, so to speak. No Contact means NO CONTACT!! By hearing songs....any song....it can be a trigger that sets us back. Your H realizes that, so he is protecting himself, and you, in a way. Unfortunately, some BS think that just no contact on phone or in person is the end of it for WS, but that is not true. We need to shield and protect ourselves, just as the BS does, so that we dont backslide. One needs to remember that the BS is in protection mode, in that they are hurting, not trusting WS, not giving any leeway to behaviors, etc. (and rightfully so after the wrongs the WS has done). Now comes the WS, and they are told basically to be on an island while BS thinks through things, finishes getting angry, hurt, grieving. They not only have NO CONTACT with OP, but sometimes with Spouse as well. So now, they have no base of support...they are giving up that which they had learned to turn to, and for the time being, giving up the right to be with spouse who is angry and hurt and wants nothing to do with them. So, this withdrawal on the WS part means withdrawing from everything...even music, or walks at the mall or in the park...whatever may trigger an incident. (Again, those of you that know me, I am not sticking up for WS and our actions, only letting you see where some of us may come from.)<P>I guess this is his way of protecting himself, and you, to a certain degree. The comments, are like the infection being oozed out of the body...they need to get out as they are his emotions settling. He will slowly go back to himself, and then I challenge both of you not to let life become routine and mundane again. That is what happened before, and you need to guard against it happening again. Find new experiences to share, new interests, new life!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart<P>Hang in there...I know it's tough, but "this too, shall pass".<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LuvOnTheRox:<BR><B>H and i used to like the same kind of music. (mostly soft rock) since his A he has been listenig to heavy metal (BLAH) and whenver i have a soft rock station playing he changes it.<P>I have found out the the XOW also listens to soft rock and asked him if his change in music had anything to do with her. <P>His reply...... well its a good thing isnt it?</B><P>it is a good thing isnt it! he is getting rid of the things that bring her to his mind, thats good! think of soft rock as though it were a picture of them together, you would want him to get rid of it wouldnt you? the idea that he would sit a look at that picture over and over would be a huge problem wouldnt it? one thing i have found is that by listening to other music and learning the artist and following it i have grown fond of it, i listend to mainly what my wife would call RAP or R&B mostly ethnically charged or dance music really all my life, yet that music became a rememberance for me so choosing not to listen to it meant learning to appreciate a new kind.. all that just to suggest you listen to it with him so that this new music becomes your music together. (ps this is true even for some of the country YUCK my wife likes) i listen to mostly altenative and rock now.<P><B>according to H they did not have "a song" <BR>but we do our wedding song was playing the other day and i asked him if he knew what song it was ....he didnt... ugh</B><P>maybe true maybe not, he may just be trying to save your feelings, and even if they didnt have A song, the kind of music represents her to him and that means something!<P>he is giving you a gift, can you accept it from him? or are you going to ruin it?<P><B>also last night a male friend of ours asked us if we knew of anyone to fix him up with. <BR>H's reply.... yeah i do but her husband might get mad...(pertaining to OW)<BR>THIS FRIEND DOES NOT KNOW ABOUT HIS A <BR>later i said to H why would he make a comment like that<BR>he replied that it was only a joke.. hmmm yeah funny</B><P>well it is funny, bad timing and failed to consider you but funny yes. i still make stupid mistakes like that, did it this weekend, felt like sh-it too when he hurts you like that dont over do it but make sure he know that was in poor taste, that you like him when his is having fun, but not at your expense. suggest he get some new material <P><B>this is not the first time he has mentioned fixing her up.<P>every now and then he will make some dumb comment about her.<P>example....... "if things didnt turn out the way they did shed be a great babysitter"<P>" you two would have been great friends"<P>my personal favorite...." i had the A with her cause she reminded me of you" hack cough gag barf.<P><BR>any WS's out there have a logical explaination for this?</B><P>he is attempting to de-role her, make her not what she was. he wants for himself and you to see her as nothing more than someone to joke about and everything, anything but the OW.<P><B>also i believe that H is very unhappy with life in general.<BR>i think he is depressed with "routine" life.<BR>working every day, rasing kids, being a family, <BR>just stuff that are obligations.<P>i have not approached him on this nor will I.</B><P>are you having fun? are you fun to be with? why or why not? you dont want to be around him when he isnt happy what is the life your living like?<P><B>but my thoughts are one day hes gonna get so fed up with " ordinary life" that he will just decide he doesnt want it anymore and leave.</B><P>doesnt sound to me liky you want an ordinary life either, what are the things that used to be a part of your lives together that made it other than "ordinary"? and how can you be a bigger part of making it not so ordinary now?<P><B>i am perfectly capable of supporting our baby and our soon to be born one on my own with the exception that i need him to drive me to work ( i do not have a license) and possibly sit with the kids</B><P>now thats a cop out! its easier to say he lacks commitment and is bored with the ordinary life than to add to you life and change how it is huh?<P>why would you choose to say that you could indure the hardship of not having the marriage over adding to the excitement and liveliness of the one you have? <P><B>i guess this is just a vent/<BR>thanks for listening<P></B><BR>who here just listens? this little vent makes you sound as if your not iterested in changing things so that your H is happier with the marriage, why is it ok for you to expect him to be content an happy with life with you but he cant ask for things to be more appealing for him?<P>you dont really mean it to sound that way do you?<P><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz

True,<BR>thanks for your reply i always value your opinion and insite.<BR>will think some more on it.<P><BR>Ahhhhhhhh Chaz,<P>my friend my foe... where to begin<BR><B><BR>it is a good thing isnt it! he is getting rid of the things that bring her to his mind, thats good! think of soft rock as though it were a picture of them together, you would want him to get rid of it wouldnt you? the idea that he would sit a look at that picture over and over would be a huge problem wouldnt it? one thing i have found is that by listening to other music and learning the artist and following it i have grown fond of it, i listend to mainly what my wife would call RAP or R&B mostly ethnically charged or dance music really all my life, yet that music became a rememberance for me so choosing not to listen to it meant learning to appreciate a new kind.. all that just to suggest you listen to it with him so that this new music becomes your music together.</B><P>as much as i would like to i cannot abhor that heavy metal.... mainly because i cannot understand what theyre saying. there are other kinds of music out there which i would be more than happy to adjust to.<BR>but these songs hes listeing too the lyrics are obsene and crude ( from what i can make out) and nots omething i can easily adjust to.<P><BR><B><BR>are you having fun? are you fun to be with? why or why not? you dont want to be around him when he isnt happy what is the life your living like?<BR></B><BR>i would not describe our life as fun...<BR>i would describe it as content.<BR>keeping house raising kids and working..... stressful but fullfilling. we do try to make a date (with or without baby) one a week or so.<BR>and uhhh i never said i didnt want ot be around him if he isnt happy.<P><BR><B><BR>doesnt sound to me liky you want an ordinary life either, what are the things that used to be a part of your lives together that made it other than "ordinary"? and how can you be a bigger part of making it not so ordinary now?<BR></B> <BR>as i said i am content with life..... it was easier to have "fun" without children by going barhopping or gambling or racing whatever hard now to make time for things like that not to mentionth at i am exausted after chasing a toddler all day and being 8 months pregnant.<BR>pregnancy "funs" me out.<P><BR><B>why would you choose to say that you could indure the hardship of not having the marriage over adding to the excitement and liveliness of the one you have</B> <BR>can you explain what you mean by that a little more thanks<P><BR><B><BR>who here just listens? this little vent makes you sound as if your not iterested in changing things so that your H is happier with the marriage, why is it ok for you to expect him to be content an happy with life with you but he cant ask for things to be more appealing for him?<P></B><BR>i guess no you didnt actually get my point in this vent.<P>it has nothing to do with making changes it has to do with his dumb a$$ coments about this XOW ... makes me feel like he isnt letting go for some reason.<P>i know how things are.<P>i am not appealing to him<BR>i am not pretty to him<BR>i am not his companion<BR>i am not his lover<BR>i am not his friend<BR>i am not his "soulmate" (term used loosely folks)<BR>I am not what he wants in life.<P><BR>what i am is this<BR>i am the mother of his children<BR>i am the "strong" one in this marriage<BR>i am here INCASE he needs me<P>so why is he still here.<P>We have a child and one on the way together.<BR>he would have no where to go<BR>i am the chief supporter in the marriage.<BR>hes afraid of losing his children<P>tha tis why he is still here<P><BR>of course these are assumptions on my part however thinking logically<BR>SOMETHINGS he has said or done had to have contributed to me thinking this way.<P><BR>have a great day all<P>

<B>i know how things are.<P>i am not appealing to him<BR>i am not pretty to him<BR>i am not his companion<BR>i am not his lover<BR>i am not his friend<BR>i am not his "soulmate" (term used loosely folks)<BR>I am not what he wants in life.</B><P><I>Luv, Unless you are practicing radical honesty with one another, you can't "know" this...don't make assumptions that only serve to hurt you...I agree with True, he is in big withdrawal mode...give him time and space. Focus on you.</I><P><BR><B>what i am is this<BR>i am the mother of his children<BR>i am the "strong" one in this marriage<BR>i am here INCASE he needs me</B><P><I>again, some fact...some assumption...you are not in his head...the answer you need to give is that you are being responsible for your half...let him be responsible for his half...LET IT ALONE...take 1/2 the work and worry off your plate...</I><P><B>so why is he still here.<P>We have a child and one on the way together.<BR>he would have no where to go<BR>i am the chief supporter in the marriage.<BR>hes afraid of losing his children<P>tha tis why he is still here</B><P>[/i]in my humble opinion, a WH that wants to be gone goes...quit worrying about WHY and CELEBRATE that he is there...sometimes being thankful for what we have goes a long way in adjusting our attitudes. [/i]<P>Cali<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Cali,<BR>thanks for your honest and always welcome opinion.<BR>just for note<BR>i did post in my reply that it was assuptions on my part<P><B>of course these are assumptions on my part however thinking logically<BR>SOMETHINGS he has said or done had to have contributed to me thinking this way.<BR></B><P>take care all<P>

Originally posted by LuvOnTheRox:<BR><B><BR>as much as i would like to i cannot abhor that heavy metal.... mainly because i cannot understand what theyre saying. there are other kinds of music out there which i would be more than happy to adjust to.<BR>but these songs hes listeing too the lyrics are obsene and crude ( from what i can make out) and nots omething i can easily adjust to.</B><P>obscene? oh brother, whats he listening to Smack my B-itch up by Prodigy? let me get this right, your more interested in contesting the content of the music than accepting the goodness of the effort to rid his mind of the OW?<P><B>i would not describe our life as fun...<BR>i would describe it as content.<BR>keeping house raising kids and working..... stressful but fullfilling. we do try to make a date (with or without baby) one a week or so.</B><P>i hear the pride you have in being a mother, that being content is of value to you, but I'll share with you that a great deal of my stuggle with W was that I didnt marry a mother, i married a woman, a lover and companion. dont make the mistake of abandoning your H for your children, the role of mother is one of stewardship and temporary, the role of wife is intended to be forever. you have to find the balance that serves both and with the right priority.<P>where you find contentment in mothering your children and homemaking your husband feels and experiances abandonment and lonelyness, you know how you feel when you think your h is in love with another above you, consider for a moment how your h feels when he knows that the children are first above him for you.<P><B>and uhhh i never said i didnt want ot be around him if he isnt happy.</B><P>sorry i read that in, its just that your tone is so, "if he doesnt like it and isnt happy its his problem i am happy/content why cant he be." and on top of that you almost shove it in our face that you havent and are not going to approach him about it, you dont sound happy.<P><B>as i said i am content with life..... it was easier to have "fun" without children by going barhopping or gambling or racing whatever hard now to make time for things like that not to mention that i am exausted after chasing a toddler all day and being 8 months pregnant.<BR>pregnancy "funs" me out.</B><P>1 more month of pregnancy, Whew!! i hear ya i really do. the problem is that your H needs the Recreational Companionship, the connection of doing together. he feels as though he has been abandoned. as i am sure you do, can you appreciate that he probably feels JUST LIKE YOU DO for a very different reason.<P><B>why would you choose to say that you could endure the hardship of not having the marriage over adding to the excitement and liveliness of the one you have<P>can you explain what you mean by that a little more thanks<BR></B><P>you said "i am perfectly capable of supporting our baby and our soon to be born one on my own with the exception that i need him to drive me to work ( i do not have a license) and possibly sit with the kids"<P>maybe its my baggage, but i read that to say "if he cant be content in our lives the way it is then fine he can be the bad guy he can take his crap and leave i am right and i can do it without him"<P>so i just wondered if thats what you mean, that your so convinced that your absoultly doing it right and he is wrong to have needs and desires that you find it in your heart to seek to meet them. <P>it sounds like your willing to say F you theres the door. <P><B>i guess no you didnt actually get my point in this vent.<P>it has nothing to do with making changes it has to do with his dumb a$$ coments about this XOW ... makes me feel like he isnt letting go for some reason.<P>i know how things are.<P>i am not appealing to him<BR>i am not pretty to him<BR>i am not his companion<BR>i am not his lover<BR>i am not his friend<BR>i am not his "soulmate" (term used loosely folks)<BR>I am not what he wants in life.</B><P>are you interested in being those things? are you willing to work to be those thing? not to sound too much like an A$$ myself but you dont sound like it.<P><B>what i am is this<BR>i am the mother of his children</B><P>your supposed to be, are you still his wife? you remember the girl he fell in love with? the one who he had fun with?<P><B>i am the "strong" one in this marriage</B><P>has that always been true? did you used to be the strong one? did he want a stong one? why do you believe your the strong one? <P>my wife was strong, i thought she wanted to be strong, i was wrong really wrong, after 12 years of her taking control and beating me into the ground, robbing me of my masculinity, it turns out that she didnt want the control she wanted me to tell her who had control when she challenged me for it. Here i thought i was giving her what she wanted, and ultimatly i hated her for it, and she never wanted it at all. dont be so sure you know what he wants, and that he knows what you want.<P><B>i am here INCASE he needs me<BR>We have a child and one on the way together.<BR>he would have no where to go<BR>i am the chief supporter in the marriage.</B><P>so he has concern and values you as the mother of his children after all, dont kid yourself about not having a place to go, theres always somewhere to go. I was prepared to live in my car to leave and still support my children.<P><B>hes afraid of losing his children</B><P>wanna find out if your H Wants to be there? find a way to eliminate what your convinced is keeping him there, make him understand how no matter what happens between you and him you would never rob your children of their father, that you wouldnt ruin him financially or limit his access to the kids. until youve done that, you cant say:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>that is why he is still here<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>i am really sorry for where your at, but damn do you sound like a major Bi-tch right now. its hard to love and desire someone like that. and i know that at 8 month pregnant its hard to be in the giver mode, but your taker is showing in a major major way.<P>when you were at the races, dont you remember seeing those women with the kids in strollers and how funny the ear muff looked on them? think those women wernt tired? i just want to hear that you have your H and marriage as a priority, one that you know has to be managed into the hectic schedule of motherhood, or you really do risk losing it. <P>take care<P>[/B][/QUOTE]<P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz<p>[This message has been edited by chazbutler (edited September 27, 2001).]