My H and I are now separated (his choice) but I still want to work with Plan A. My H (I guess WH) dropped the bomb just over two months ago, and a month ago asked for a separation. I then went into a hospital (depression, anxiety and the ultimate diagnosis of Acute<BR>Adjustment Reaction). my medicines are just now regulating and I feel ready to do Plan A. Before I was very irrational, crying, clingy and needy. Now<BR>I want to give him the time and space he asked for originally, but am not<BR>sure how to show him I still love him.<P>Since last week he has moved from our apartment (I am at my parents for the time being) and into our friends' (a couple) place. He does not wish to talk to me or communicate with me. My mother says she was where he was once<BR>and knows that he just feels he needs to take a stand and this is the easiest way for him right now. But I still want to do Plan A, so what is the best course? He is still talking to the OW, but I really don't know if he is leaning on her (although he claims he wants to be independent and learn he can do things on his own). He probably is because he feels she is the only one who understands where he is coming from...she is fairly recently divorced and has "poor me" issues even though the divorce was all her idea because she didn't give her husband a chance and time to try and make changes...he wanted to stay married, but was having some selfish growing pains....but enough about her! <P>Some background. We've been married two years and have no kids, unlike most people in this situation. We are both in our youn/mid 20's (he will soon be 24 and I am 25). I was the dominant personality in the relationship, and he<BR>always tried to make me happy. Only I didn't really force much on him, he just never would speak up, even when asked. Now he just wants out, says he has nothing left to give.<P>I love him with all my heart and we are definitely compatible, but he feels that he never had the strong "connection" he had with others, and is worried<BR>that he married me because it was easier than breaking it at the time. This thing with the OW is an EA, she has been a close friend of the family for 20 years, and was practically a sister to me. She is very selfish and I knew<BR>that, but she proved it now. My mother is hurt and has ended her relationshio with her and her two little girls because it is too hard. She just refuses to walk away because "he is her best friend" and she "loves<BR>him". So she sacrifices everyone else. Their "friendship" started in March and has mostly been conducted over email and Im at work, but some lunchs and<BR>some times contrived to go out (with me) and one weekend while I was away (supposedly she put the breaks on anything physical happening).<P>So I really just need advice, I do not know what to do. he does not want to explore working on things, just dumped this on me and then wants out. Says he is too hurt, and tired to try and has nothing left to give me. I want to<BR>change some of my behaviors and I am working to, I don't know how he can see that when he isn't in contact with me.<P>His therapist recommended that he read the book "Crazy Time" about how to get through a divorce. It is horribly anti-marriage book, very little encouragement to explore if this is really what you want, just seems to say<BR>divorce is ok, go for it. I have bought other books, he skims them but doesn't try to read them. just wants to shut it all out.<P>i just don't know what to do, please help. I am trying to give him time and space, but I feel like that is just making it easier for him to leave because he can just forget me.<P>Thanks for your help.<BR>

Bumping myself up.....felt I was getting lost down in the bottom before I had a chance to get replies!

I don't know if you've been welcomed or not...I noticed in another post that you feel your posts got lost...<P>I am sorry...there are so many new people...that I confess I feel overwhelmed some days...<P><B>I want to give him the time and space he asked for originally, but am not sure how to show him I still love him.</B><P>Do give him space...I wish I had been emotionally able to give my spouse more space earlier on...now, I think I am doing a fairly good job at it...You can still show him you love him by meeting as many of his emotional needs as you can...(see His Needs/Her Needs). Search out Lostva's posts in notable posts...she did a remarkable plan A while separated from her H.<P><B>. Says he is too hurt, and tired to try and has nothing left to give me. I want to change some of my behaviors and I am working to, I don't know how he can see that when he isn't in contact with me.</B> <P> Again, search out lostva's posts. How wonderful that you recognize some changes need to be made...that is a terrific first step...there are lots of books and reading to be done...also your continuing individual therapy can be a tremendous help.<P>But remember...both of you contributed to the environment that led to this...be responsible for only your half of the marriage...don't take anything he says personally...it is all him and his perceptions...until you are practicing radical honesty together and not making assumptions you will not have the full truth of your marriage.<P>Lastly, resist the urge to educate him...he will not forget you...an odd thing occurs when you give a spouse space...suddenly being with you is not such a bad thing...(see Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson). WH's are in tremendous pain and confusion...it is the hardest thing to give them the time and space to figure it all out.<P>Cali<P><P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Hi,<P>Have you read the info here? If not, here is the welcome package that outlines some of the tools here and how to use them. There are some books by Dr Harley such as suriving an affair, his needs/her needs, giver/takers, etc. Then there are the questionnaires, quite informative actually. Could be a real eye opener to your relationship. Also there is the phone counseling sessions with either Jennifer C. or Steve Harley. <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>Hope this helps.<P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P>

Hi BJ,<P>how are you? are you doing ok?<P>This is going to be a difficult time for you and your husband so you need to conserve your strength as best you can and give yourselves time. Brace yourself because this will be an emotional rollercoaster. You’re also going to have to be the one who ‘gives’ the most if you want to save your marriage. Can you get yourself prepared for this?<P>I think His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters are both good books and (perhaps) will help you understand what's going on in the relationship. You can get these over the MB hotline if you're in the USA. If not Amazon.com is a good place to go. These will also help you form the basis of a good Plan A. Otherwise, there's a lot of info on this site which will help you. I mean, a lot !!!<P>It’s interesting but it's often those qualities which are initially attractive to us which later become the ones we have difficulties with. Your strength and personality attracted him initially but he’s now finding these are strangling him (I’m guessing here). Or, he liked the feeling of being needed but now this has become too draining and he doesn’t feel strong enough to satisfy all your needs. Whatever they are, your relationship is strained because it’s exactly these qualities which are out of balance. <P>That your husband has moved out of the apartment and doesn’t want to communicate with you is a sign that both of you are hurt and suffering. The OW is satisfying his need for being cared for and it’s you who needs to be fullfilling this need – you know this anyway. But what happened that this occurred? It’s a pretty drastic step that he’s taken to move out. Have you guys had difficulties for some time? You need to explore this because if you don’t understand your behaviours (yours and his) that led to this you will have difficulties putting together a good Plan A.<P>PlanAing will be difficult anyway. It can be very draining and if you’re not living together it’s just going to be even more difficult. I’d suggest you find a way to communicate with your H to tell him that you love him and that you want to work on the marriage. Ask him what he needs to be able to give his marriage and you a chance. He married you for a reason(s) – ask him what they were. Ask him is this is still valid. If you need to use a third party to communicate this – do it. If he’d be prepared to meet with you to discuss it – do that to. But, whatever you do – try hard not to LB (love bust) – which means if you’re too needy, or to pushy – you’ll have the reverse effect of what you want to achieve.<P>First step, get the communication channels open – then you can Plan A.<P>Good luck,<P>- freddy<P>

bumping up for BJ...<P>Are you ok? how are you doing?<P>- Freddy<P>

Just Plain Cali- I am hoping that by giving him space he will see what I mean to him. I know he was "in love" with me once, I reemmber seeing it in his eyes and actions. I know he still loves me now, he just doesn't know how to anymore. I am trying to hard not to "help him" figure things out. It is very hard because I know he is not turing or listening to resources that love him (his family and friends) he is blocking everything but her out, and I can't say, although she says he's her "best friend" and she just wants him to "be happy" that she really, truly is doing that....I know she is pretty lonely too and he is fulfilling many needs for her. I am hanging in, taking it one day at a time. Hoping, praying, working on me and loving him.<P>Orchid- I have read a lot of those resources and still discovering them. We actually filled out the Emotional Needs Quiz, and I see where I didn't fulfill his emotional needs. Of course I see now he wasn't fulfilling mine in many areas as well. The funny thing about my hubbie is that he alwasy answers questionaires and reacts to things in the same pattern as women typically do (you know where they say things like "men tend to choose these needs, women these"). Funny we had the same 5 top EMs, a little difference in the order, but the same jsut the same. The problem I am having here is trying to meet his needs for Communication when he feels that he can't open up to me and feels guilty for NEVER telling me some things from his past (abusive step-father, that he can't swim, that he thought of leaving me for another woman before we were married -- I knew they were a bit involved, but he painted it as nothing more than a summer fling with a friendship that went too far, funny thing, that is what is happening now), recreational companionship when he won't see me, Affection when I am not around him, Sex when I can't be near him, and I (can't remember the third, I think he has the quizes with his music stuff, have to get those). So I am trying to explore how to address those things now. I will be reading through that link you sent me, and as soon as I am finished with my Relatinship Rescue book, I am off to get one of Dr. Harvey's.<P>Freddy- I am doing ok, not great, but I am not huddled in the corner crying hysterically, so I am guessing that is ok ....As for why he moved out....to me we haven't been having huge problems. He started acting a little off in March when he started to chat with my good friend since childhood who is very close to my entire family (my mom her surrogate mom, he kids likes neices/grandkids)-- she is now the OW. By May our big move broke down and in June he says he never wanted to move but didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to disappoint me, AND because at one time a year ago I said that if he didn't want to mvoe, then maybe I would have to go without him. He says he should have called my bluff, but I know that hurt him alot. He aslo told me of some problems he was having with our relationship -- lack of sex (I have always had a low libido although now I know it was depression and meds helping it lower and lower), he felt I didn't think he was attractive, lack of affection (I woudl concentrate on getting dinner finished when he was trying to seduce me -- and we have no kids so there is no reason why) and to top it off he said he "never felt as strong a connection with me as he had with others" and "he wished we had been friends before we started dating." With all this being said we proceeded on a road trip with my mother, sister and an exchange student and he came down with pneumonia during it and was crabby (and rightly so) the whole time, unfortunately I wasn't very understanding because I was very excited for this trip and it wasn't turning out the way I planned. <P>When we returned the next weekend we had a BBQ and my parents and the OW came (I said she was a close family friend, practically a sister to me). He spent all his time with her, and even after I was falling asleep and had to go to be (at 2:30) they continued to talk until she left at 4. She did come in and say goodbye to me. It was that week, after he wouldn't come in the shower with me that I just demanded he tell me what was the matter because I ahd been trying to step up the physical interaction and sex and affection, but he wasn't responding...I said if that is the problem then why aren't you getting into it....he just put his head in his hands and started crying. I screamed and wailed and maoned and cried and begged and yelled, and finally called my father to come get me.<P>I went back the next day, made a counselling appt. and told him I was sorry, I truly loved him and I wanted to work this through. He agreed to counselling only he told the counselor he didn't know if he wanted to work on things and she started individual therapy with him. We then each found our own counsellors (she was a work employee assistance one, short term) and have been going seprately ever since. He doesn't want to try to work on things, he says he is too tired and hurt to try. I disintegrated into a nervous, depressive wreck, even was hospitalized. He wouldn't stop contact with the OW even though he had cut it back to chatting on IM only during the day. He said that he loved me, but wasn't "in love" with me. He said he couldn't talk to me and that was a problem (only the truth is the ONLY person he seems to be able to talk to is the OW, he won't talk to ANYONE else and I don't even trust that he is actually talking with his counselor, he is probably only giving her a little bit.<P>I moved into my parents and eventually couldn't take it all anymore and told him that he had to stop talking to her or I didn't know if I could stick around anymore. I told him that if he chose to stop contact with her then I wouldn't pressure him to work on things right away, he could take time to figure out himself, but if he chose her, I didn't know if I could get over that rejection. He told me that he couldn't stop talking to her, he was in a lot of pain to have to make that deicison, but he had to. He then said he thought maybe he might take time away from BOTH of us to figure himself out. I dropped my end of the bargain, I couldn't stop talking to him. He dropped his end of the bargain, he never stopped talking to her. A week and a half ago he sent me and email that said he was sorry that he had led me to beleive that he was actually giving us a chance by taking time to himself. I had said if he made a decision it may well be final, and he made the decision that he wanted out ... And that that being said I still hadn't given him the space he needed, not that it would matter anyway. He didn't know why he told me that he was going to not talk to her as well, he thought maybe to allay his guilt to help ease my pain, but he felt that he was just prolonging the inevitable. I freaked out (completely and utter breakdown my parents had a hell of a time keeping me from hurting myself -- I have some anxiety and Post traumatic strees disorder accroding to my therapist ) and my dad called and asked what this means...my WH waffled and didn't say, my dad said do you want a divorce or do you need space....no one knows exactly what was said, but it was toward the divorce. He was escorted from my apartment by my father the next morning, the key taken and him off to our friends house. He has now, quickly, signed a lease.<P>All of this started with his admission of the EA on July 18 and me moving into my parents on August 20th (well hospital frist and then to my parents). BTW he was an absolute doll when I completely freaked out adn landed in the hospital. He tok such good care of me, that is why I know he does have some love left.<P>This is a long one, sorry all I know my LB's in all this. I know I screwed up....although he doesn't blame me for much, says he is the f*cked up one (his words) and said (again his words) that he couldn't "give me what I needed", "couldn't give me as much as I can give him", and "felt he was holding me back" because of his inability to communicate and his lack of goals in life (he has NONE so he says). I do know he is tired of feeling guilty and I know that he is tired of being confused.<P>I do have to say that it has been a week and a half (since a "goodbye for now, I am giving you space" email on the 16th) and only two possibly minor LB's (whe he told me about the apt I told him it was expensive for the area because I was upset he found an apartment away from his friends and far from work, but close to her) and I told him I was having a bad day with all this and we (me and the pets) didn't make this choice so he was going to have to pay to help us keep our apt (I can't afford it on my own and no where will take all three of the pets, plus a walk out for our old, old dog). I know that he hasn't returned any calls from his borther or uncle, he can't talk to our friends he is living with although the husband wants to talks, says he has similar feelings, but that he doesn't think walking away without trying is the right course of action. Can't talk to ANYONE (seriously) except the OW. He must feel so alone....<P>OK, will close before people hate me for being so wordy Any advice would be nice, and remember, I KNOW I SCREWED UP! I blame myself everyday, so please don't point it out too much :-/ I already know many of my faults in teh relationship and many of the issues, I jsut don't know how to get past them when he has no hope, no urge to try, nothing. Although I can feel in his hugs (he will hug me when he sees me) that he has some feeling left, he squeezes tight...it's like he is searching, but can't find what he needs to help him give it a try.<P>Thanks for everyone's help!

BJoanne~~<P>I don't have much time to reply but was skimming your story.. I just wanted to let you know I fee the same way and our stories are parallel--including that ages (I'm 25 and he just turned 24-- married for only a little over a year ) I also want to know how I can show him my love when he's not wanting to communicate much and tells me that he just doesn't want to be married..He is not with the OW anymore but has an internet friend that I truely believe he's having a "ea" with.. one that is his 'best friend" right now.. I gotta run but just wanted to let you know your not alone.. I will be "lurking" on your posts for your replies too.. hope u don't mind!! The best thing everyone has told me is to work on me--that they understand I want our M so badly but working on me will make me a stronger person either way..and that he will see that one way or another.. does that make sense?! Sorry in a hurry but I'll keep checking.. I would love to hear more from you... take care love tammy

BJ,<P>don’t beat yourself up – it takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to break one – and the people in here will not judge you or damn you. They’ll just ask questions to help understand and then comes the advice or insights which will be useful (that’s the intent anyway). <P>I’ve been feeling pretty crap about my relationship with my W for some years now and one of the reasons (repeat: one of the reasons) is that I’ve been taking my Ws low interest in sex as a sign of her disinterest in me. Sure, she’d say ‘I love you’ on the odd occassion. She’d also give me a hug and hope that was enough for me. Trouble is, it wasn’t and it isn’t. If you explore women’s needs against those of men, you’ll find them to be very different – in some cases even inversed. This is something which Harley explores in his book His Needs Her Needs and I think he’s right.<P>In addition to this, you’ve been LB ing which has caused your husband to withdraw from you even further over time. You’ve never shored-up the holes. Ok, but what’s to do. Harley works with a concept called a love bank – a love bank is one in which you make withdrawals or deposits as you would a normal bank account. The trouble you have is that the account you have with your husband is in negative territory – meaning you’re in a situation of debt with him. What you have to do is get this back into postive territory. And the way to do this is to start making deposits.<P>When I read your story, it occured to me that there’s some basic things which you can do. First, get your Dad and family out of this. Yes, they have good intentions but they’ll protect you and damn him. Get them out. Second, put yourself in a place where your hubby can visit you without him feeling that he’s going to go on the defensive. Third, get him to spend time with you. Otherwise, the chance to save your marriage will be very slim.<P>The down-side in all this is that you’ve got competition - the OW is doing her magic. Your H has been blind sided and doesn’t know where up is. So, you need to win him back which means you need to play the OW. Be real nice to him. Talk to him, flatter him, make him feel good. Make him feel that for you he’s the most important man on earth. And if the chance arises, take the initiative sexually. Get him aroused and keep him there. If you don’t show him that he really is the priority in your life, how’s he going to know it? <P>- Freddy<P> <BR>

BJ,<P>You said:<P><B>he felt I didn't think he was attractive, lack of affection (I woudl concentrate on getting dinner finished when he was trying to seduce me -- and we have no kids so there is no reason why</B>[/QUOTE]<P>Bingo, BJ, my W did something similar to me. I could have brained her. Think about it, is getting dinner finished really more important to you than having your H seduce you? I mean, can't dinner wait <P>Our counselling session was last night - and it was pretty good. My W approached the subject of sex and we discussed it (me with a bid red face). However, it was very interesting. The counselor was saying things like, once the relationship is in balance then sex will happen. You'll feel like exploring different techniques again because the erotic tension will have returned.<P>I said, what erotic tension? That's one of our problems. In the 13 years we've been together my W has initiated sex about 6 times, she's always passive and has never experimented with anything new. It's not like I want to join a swingers club or ´have her dress in black leather thongs brandishing a whip. Nope, I only want her to show some interest in me and let me know that finishing the dinner isn't more important than me seducing her !!!!<P>But sex isn't the most important thing - it's one of them but it's still not the most important. What about the empathy, the pathos, the understanding. I lost my soulmate some time back too. We used to talk for hours. We used to understand each other at so many different levels. Now, I'm emotionally tired after the first 5 minutes. It's too tough.<P>And this is what the OW is doing to your husband. She's understanding him. She's showing him empathy. She's there for him when he needs somebody to be there for him. BJ, you have to reverse this if you want to win him back. It's YOU who has to be there for him. It's you that has to show him empathy.<P>I hope this is helping because it's killing my typing style <P>- Freddy.<P><BR>

Tammy-- It sounds so bad, but I am so glad there are others in my same position...I only wish someone was here before and could post that it is going well for them. For some reason I feel there is a strike against reconciliation for me because we have been married for such a short amount of time, have no kids, and have no house. It is almost like some of the things that FORCE them to interact. I feel like I have to create situations if I want to talk with him (although keeping him up-to-date with the pets works a bit). Thanks for your support, hope you are doing well.....I like your SN, patience is something I am learning....I always knew it was a virtue, I just never had the strength of character and the reason to learn the trait. Hope it will come along, I keep working at it <P>

Freddy- Wow, you are so helpful! I do have one thing to say in my defense for the sex thing....I mentioned, hinted and TOLD him many times that I wanted something a little more exciting in the bedroom. Sometimes it is all for him, but I can't remember more than once or twice that it was all for ME. When you feel like all he wants is sex, and not all he wants is YOU, you get a little less inclined to do things. And I do have to say that we didn't do anything, just not sex...many times it was uncomfortable for me (yet again, we needed to work on getting me to that point so I tried to avoid it. In no way did I ever NOT want him, I just hoped that he would take a little control and be inventive and he never was. That (and the depression and meds) dampened me, and instead of getting over that and trying to work on it, I shut down...and in turn he shut down. I do have to say that when he said that was a problem back in June, and we started stepping it up (and me doing a lot fo initiating) I was having a blast and seeing how it could be. He just never gave that a chance to develop, he said he didn't want me to do it for him, our libidos didn't match. But I don't agree, mine just needed a jump/kick start. In no way did I do it all for him, I was having fun too.... Now if only he would understand and beleive that.<P>The Love Bank, yes, I amt rying to devise ways to make deposits.......it's very hard separated, creative ideas are welcome! And as for my family, they aren't in it much and he does actually respect them. They were involved then because he WON'T talk to me....he has to email me cryptic things because he doesn't want to say them. I was completely hysterical (and I mean HYSTERICAL) and so they had to take over and figure things out. I am actually kinda glad he is out of the apartment because now I feel it is easier to work on me instead of being banished when HE was the one having the A. I wish it didn't happen, I wish he was still there. B ut he was going to continue sitting there, talking with the OW and staying at the apartment with the pets and all the stuff and not letting me there. I am just very sad that he jumped to a lease so quickly when our friends would have let him stay there for a while.<P>I know I kinda, maybe, do have one thing on my side. I know the OW....she was one of my best friends. My parents and her father see each other weekly. My family is very important to her and she knows that she is messing everything up now. My mother refuses to see her and her children, even though my mother loves them all so much. I hope (of course she has always been a selfish person) that guilt will put a damper on things for both of them....I know that kind of baggage does not play well on relationships. But of course, she could just say screw us, she has been known too...she tried to tell me we have never been friends, so I wonder if she is being vindictive. She said she feels bad all this happened, but cannot give him up, he is her best friend (they ahve actually only been good friends since March...before she thought he was odd). Not that it matters much, but I know that she isn't all that great in comparison to me, it just seems that way right now. <P>So, I am working, struggling really, to work on myself and bring myself back from the shell of a person I became the past two months. AND trying to find ways to show him I love him, and care about him and fill his love bank, without strangling, pushing, demanding, etc. Very hard....I just wish I could see progress...even though it hasn't been long. I know there is something left between us, it's just hard for him to reach right now. When our counsellor (the one session we had together) asked us about meeting we told her our story. She was so happy, she said, you know, there is something there. you two looked at each other, smiled at each other, took turns telling the story and filling in details for the other....there is something there, you just have to find it again. She said she still saw the spark....i only wish he could see it.<P>OK, off to get money and eat. Tonight is my first foray into the social world after hiding for 5 weeks A girls night out....trying hard to be brave, I just want to go home and hide more. Thanks for the advice, please keep it coming!<BR>

Hmmmmmm, the MB server is acting funny. First I had to split my post and then it double posted but only showed that one went through. Oh well....deleting a double post <p>[This message has been edited by BJoanne (edited September 26, 2001).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by BJoanne:<BR>[B]he is her best friend (they ahve actually only been good friends since March...before she thought he was odd). Not that it matters much, but I know that she isn't all that great in comparison to me, it just seems that way right now. <BR>When our counsellor (the one session we had together) asked us about meeting we told her our story. She was so happy, she said, you know, there is something there. you two looked at each other, smiled at each other, took turns telling the story and filling in details for the other....there is something there, you just have to find it again. <P>B<P><BR>BJ, there it is, there's hope - first, for your friend, your H is a plaything. If she found him odd before, she'll probably find him odd in the future. She'll get bored. Or your H will realise he's not connecting. It'll be good for a while, then it'll go off the boil. <P>On the counselling side, that sounds very promising. What was the thing which attracted you guys to each other initially? Keep checking if this is still valid for you. If it is, then it'll still be valid for him. Maybe he's just freaking at the moment - he's in the fog - best thing to do, is give it time. He'll come out of it and then you need to be there for him, so develop that Plan A.<P>On the sex side, you're probably telling him what works for you, right? Some men need a little help in this area, we sometimes need a little bit of guidance and encouragement. Keep talking about how you feel, how he makes you feel and how he could make you feel even better that'll motivate him.<P>good luck,<P>- Freddy<BR>

Thanks for all your help Freddy. It always helps me when I realize that while I am waiting I AM doing SOMETHING for him. He asked for time and space....and although he said he would still want a divorce after that, that he needed that for him, I can see that is the fog talking a bit. So by giving him time and space I am listening to what he needs, and therefore doing SOMETHING productive for the marriage and for him. I am a fixer, I always try to rush in and fix things. I tried that and it didn't work, just pushed him away. So even though it seems like I am doing nothing, when I realize I really am, it quells my need to fix. I also realize HE needs to work through this, this isn't something I can fix for him. For once in his life he is completely on his own and has to figure himself out. He has been hiding from himself for a long time and I guess it just popped up and bit him where it counts right now. As much as I hate him moving out and getting his own place, I am proud, yep, proud, of him because he is taking charge of his life. He bought his own car, he found his own apartment, he is in control instead of letting me be in charge (he would never make decisions or take charge, that is what landed him here). I only wish he can eventually make the transition from learning to make decisions for himself, to negotiating in the relationship, right now he has swung to what he wants ALL THE TIME. But I guess eventually he will realize that he really can't live life that way and have ANY healthy relationships. It's all about compromise....<P>Anyway, kinda in a good modd the past few days. Feeling calm and patient. Sure I get my sad moments and an attack of anxiety here and there, but as a whole I am feeling very hopeful with this process....so I guess that is a good thing!!<P>As for the sex I thought in maybe a week or two I would send him a little sexy card. I don't know if that is infringing on his "time and space" or not. Not a OR kind of card, but a sexy card....I remember when we blah blah blahed or I close my eyes and imagine you blah blah blah. It's the only way I can think of to fulfill that emotional need right now, just to let him know every once in a while that I still want him that way.... Any thoughts on this idea?<P>Have a good day!

A sexy card - I like that idea and I think I will borrow it. I have never done anything like that before, it will surprise WS! We aren't separated, but I'm doing the plan A as well as I can.