Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom. This is my second posting. Reading your responses, and how you seem to care for total strangers, brought tears to my eyes. I wish I had used this forum before - when I first got into this, I didn’t know it existed. But I found the site after admitting my affair to my husband. I have read every single one of Dr Harley's books and I am convinced that I would not be here without them and without him. In the past I just used this site when I needed a 'pick me up' or word of inspiration while at work. This forum is also helping tremendously. Can I ask for an ear for this stuff below? It’s super long. Thanks so much.<P>I am doing well and so is my husband (after 4 months since admitting and a little less than 3 months since total cut off of affair). It is better than I ever thought imaginable. I wish I had come clean sooner. So many things are coming back and my love for my husband has returned. It is remarkable –and I am so happy it has worked. I am so grateful my husband gave me a chance. But there are so many things that still confuse me, like why did I do it? Why did I choose someone who I did not really even like when I met him, why did I choose someone else who was married? How do I stop obsessing about what he is doing right now? How do I forgive myself for what I did to my husband, or what I did to his family? How do I stop thinking about it all? How do I reconcile the fact that he was manipulating me (maybe he wasn’t but after writing this, I see he was!) Here is what happened:<P>I met my affair partner at work. I did not set out to have an affair - it just happened. If you asked me what I thought of people who have affairs, I would said they had low morals. But then it happened to me. And it seemed to real to not be a good thing, even though in the end I hurt the closest person to me - my H. My affair partner was a high level writer at my publication and everyone idolized him - I knew this before I met him. It was a successful publication and everyone kissed his butt as if he were a God. Before meeting him, I heard a rumor that he was involved with a younger girl (not very smart girl, too) and saw them acting weird together, and was disgusted because to me, that meant the rumor was true. I didn't even want to be friends with him even though I admired him professionally. When I finally met him at a company offsite retreat, I told him how impressed I was with him and his work, and we talked a little. He seemed more interested with his younger girl. They seemed to be arguing a little. Then the next day, suddenly he started paying attention to me. We talked. Here was the most "popular" person in our company talking to little old me! He made me laugh. I felt sorry for him because he was spending so much time drinking and smoking pot with is coworkers (I do not and have not ever done any drugs and in fact find these sort of people to be weak). I felt sorry for him and thought his use of drugs and alcohol on a social basis must be because he was unhappy. I asked him about his family and kids and he said "I have a 1 year old and a 5 year old. One kid changes your life, and two kids bulldoze your life" I felt sorry for his kids because he said that. But still I admired him for some reason; probably it was because of his job. He held a position I always wanted to pursue but could not because I am trying to earn money to help my husband through medical training (he is a surgeon). Stupid of me to admire someone like my affair partner for such a superficial thing. As I got to know him, he demonstrated other characteristics that I did not admire. But I kept the affair going because of how he seemed to love me. If I had another friend who was like him, I would have lectured them all the time about how they were making mistakes in heir life. With him, I just accepted him for what he was even if I didn't like it.<P>We left the work retreat and became email friends, and he wrote to me constantly, and said things like how he felt we knew each other from before. This made me feel in love with him and excited to have that feeling again after so long (I have been married for 3 years but with my husband for 10 years total. We met and I was 20 years old). My affair partner made an excuse a month later to come to my town and we went to dinner. He asked me to be "his date." I was flattered but never imagined that something would come of it - I loved my husband but was just enjoying the attention and he had too much at stake (kids, work) and he was too busy to come for a non-work reason I thought. <P>At dinner, he very easily held my hand and told me how he felt about me. It all happened so fast. I told him I felt infatuated with him for some reason even though it is wrong. I said I was interested but was confused and loved my husband and didn't want a divorce. He told me that his wife was depressed, that she wasn't the same as when they met, that he was "her #2, she was married before." I felt sorry for him for some reason and at the same time, this made me feel close to him. He said "I waited a long time to have kids because of something like this" I didn't know what he meant by that. He said "Well maybe we should do this to make each other feel good. We can think about it as an addition to our lives, not a subtraction from our marriages." This line worked on me, stupid but true. From that day on, we became lovers. I did not kiss him on this trip even though he tried twice. I told him I was still confused and asked him not to try anything and he said OK. But the next night, I still went to see him. He wrote to me that day telling me how much fun I was and how much he liked me. It felt good. He didn't reject me immediately like most boys I dated when I was in college did. He came back for more. The next night, we kissed. He left my town to go home the next day. I thought that would be the end of it. <P>To my surprise, he called me the same day he left and said he told his wife "I'll need to be traveling to (fill in the blank town) a lot this year" He told me that he "was preparing her" for his frequent visits to see me. I was floored. I thought it would be a one time thing and here he was planning to see me so often, planning excuses way in advance. <P>So we had a one year long affair, that grew more and more intense as time went on. I tried to end it a number of times: first because of his kids, then because of my husband, then because of his wife, but always fell back into it. He wrote me love letters about how he loved me, how he felt he could leave his wife, how he never knew anyone like me, how he felt obsessed with me. It all felt good and was hard to leave. But I hated myself.<P>After a year, my conscience was killing me. I felt so out of love with my husband and so in love with my affair partner that I thought I had nothing to lose by admitting it, but everything to gain. I was ready to move out of my home so I could figure things out. My relationship with my affair partner became so intense that this is all I thought I could do for my sanity. So I admitted it to my husband. He did not suspect anything - except for the fact that I was treating him like dirt prior to admitting it. Our relationship was in horrible shape, and I just felt like he needed to know the truth since I was more or less prepared to move out anyway. He asked why, and I did not have an answer. I just felt attracted to this other person and felt it was a sign that my marriage was not right, and that I should explore it. Also, unfortunately, my husband told me that he would understand if I ever did such a thing like cheat because I was so young and inexperienced when we met. I never thought I would do it, but I sort of held onto this word from him when I decided to go ahead and cheat. <P>I also wanted to also tell my husband the truth because me and my affair partner had decided we would "do what we needed to do" in order to finally be together. That was the plan, although I cautioned him that we would not be able to promise one another anything given that we cannot predict how admitting will make us feel toward our spouses. He agreed.<P>After admitting, I told my affair partner not to change his life for me, or to do anything just because I was. But I knew that *I* had to make some changes, and one of them was coming clean with my husband. After I told my husband, I also told him I loved him in a general sense but that I was in love with my affair partner. I told him I didn't know what to do, wasn't yet sure about divorce, but that instead of wanting to get away and think, that I needed his help in staying away from my lover. My own attempts never worked, but knowing that each time my lover contacted me would hurt my husband more, I knew I might be stronger. So I agreed to cut off all communication. This happened in mid-March. <P>But my affair partner didn't let up. And his persistence was welcomed by me sometimes, because I was lonely, scared, tired, and missing him after going through such trauma with my husband. I felt awful about what I had done to my H. My affair partner called the day after I came clean to "see how I was" and tell me how strong he thinks I am. And of course to remind me that he loved me and would marry me if I ever left my marriage. All this, from a person who had gone to counseling with his wife for 7 months while having an affair with me and never even having the courage to admit it (he said I was not their problem so that's why he didn't bring it up in counseling). From that, I knew he'd never have the courage to tell her anything. I told him that he was going to hurt his kids very much by breaking up his family and he said "well, maybe I will be helping them by bringing you into my life" which of course, made me feel so good. He said "why can't people understand that I just found someone I like better, that I will be happier now with you instead of my wife? That will help my kids. YOU make me happy. My wife doesn't." <BR> <BR>So I continued contact with him after that for a week and then told him I had to stop, that I wasn't being fair, that I felt sick about it and depressed. So he agreed to leave me alone and I said I'd call him if anything ever changed. But emailed me 2 weeks later saying he'd be in town. This is how he used to get me to see him when I would try to end it. He'd say he'd be in town and wanted to see me "as just friends." Silly me would always agree and then this thing would get started again. But I have to admit, he was the first man who ever pursued me like this, so I interpreted it as love. So this time, I told him no, that it isn't right to me him or our families and he was devastated. He said he heard it in my voice, that I was really gone. He said I made him feel like an idiot, and I told him not to tell his wife just for me, but to tell her so they can work on things, like I did. When we ended the conversation, he was crying. <P>The next day he sent another email telling me we still needed to talk, that he had written me a long letter that he was going to put in the mail. I promptly wrote back telling him not to mail me any letters and that, after the conversation we had the night before, he should not have any more questions in his mind. I asked him to forget me and to not contact anymore. His reaction to this was anger. So much anger that he made strange phone calls to mutual friends (one was a 25-year-old coworker of mine, when he is a 40-year-old man. He also told her that "Recovered is so jealous of me an you - she told me that several times" making my friend mad at me. Of course I was jealous when he talked to her when he would talk to her! I was having an affair with him!) He asked her what she thought was wrong with me because I was avoiding him. My friend said he sounded insane, very desperate. This hurt me that he would do such a thing because he was jeopardizing my reputation. Luckily, I had already quit that job and did not have to worry about the damage he could do. Or so I thought. It ends up he used to work for the new company I work for and he started communicating with people there again - meanwhile he hardly ever mentioned them before in the year that I knew him. Then he called a coworker of mine at my current company (who used to work at the same company as me and the affair partner) just to talk to her about things. She told me this and was confused by it because in her words "she was never even friends with him before." So he was trying anything he could to get a piece of me back. <P>All this made me scared so I called him and told him how mad I was. I tired to get him to admit that he was wrong, and he said it was innocent. He could not even admit he made a mistake by trying to sabotage my friendship. But we ended up talking and saying we missed one another, and decided to talk later. Little did I know that he was out to dinner with his family when I called. He walked outside of the restaurant and spent 30 minutes on the phone with me while his wife waited inside. It was her birthday, he told me the next day. I felt awful. He did not tell me that when we were speaking and I felt so sorry for her. But we still made promises to love each other and work on leaving our marriages to be together. We figured that because we missed each other so much, it had to be the right thing to do. He tried to see me over that month but I refused, saying it wouldn’t be right. I also said I didn't want to see him unless we were both unmarried. That was the only way it would feel right. <P>So 2 weeks later, I finally told my husband I wanted to move out, I said was not physically attracted to him, that I did not want to be married anymore, that we had nothing in common. I really felt this way because I was still not giving 100% of myself to him because I was still talking with my lover, if occasionally. My H was so confused. Of course, I lied to my H and said I didn't think I would be with my affair partner - I was "doing it for me." He left for work very sad and very depressed. I called my lover that very morning (a Saturday) and told him what I did. I told him I was looking for an apartment. He said "I feel nauseous. I feel sick" and then said "this is what you wanted, right?" and I said "Yes, I do." I thought I was strong, that I didn't need him. But I sensed that he would back away out of fear (he often worked hard at "getting me back" and once he did, would stop professing his love for me and start talking more about how he may be hurting his kids and how his wife was married once before and how hurt she will be by being divorced again). He repeated that he felt ill (really, he had to get off the phone because he was in his yard and his wife was milling about near him). He asked if he could call me later and I said no, I needed to think. That was the best decision I ever made.<P>I hung up thinking I would leave my husband as well as my lover. Then this strange wave came over me that night after a day spent thinking. I never really gave recovery a chance because I kept letting my lover back in from time to time. I knew I'd regret this. I also knew my husband was/is a wonderful person but that it is hard to see with someone else blinding me. I also looked back at photos and remembered all the amazing times we had before I had an affair. I realized I was taking the weak way out, and in the process, destroying the love that I cherished for so many years before. Not to mention, my actions would be destroying someone else's family. So I had a real heart to heart with my H and told him that I had spoken to my lover and that I had slipped up over the past month and a half. Remarkably, he understood. I asked him ) before, it was always him asking me) to take me back so we could try. He said yes. And we had a great night talking and crying. I felt such love for him then.<P>My lover called me at work on Monday to tell me a story about how he admitted our affair to an ex coworker. He was excited talking about it, and I stopped him in his tracks. I said I didn't want to hear it, I wanted him to just understand that it has to end. More than before. I told him about my discussion with my H and said I have to end things for good. He cried and we hung up. He called back and asked me to say I love him one more time. I suspected he was recording me (he did that in the past because he loved my voice) and refused. I told him he needed to move on. There was no activity for a week and then he sent an email. I ignored it. Then another. I ignored it. Then I heard his company was being sold to another company and that he would lose his job. There was also a story in the paper about how he may have stolen someone else's idea, and he got caught doing it. I felt sorry for him. So I wrote and told him to hang in there. Stupid of me. He wrote back but I did not respond. This was dumb of me because I should have known I'd never be able to help him. Then he called me on my birthday, sent 2 dozen roses to my office, and sent a card with love poems. I ignored them. More emails came every few days which I ignored. All the while I told my husband about every time my lover tried to contact me. This was mid-June by now. But I felt it was my fault he was still trying because I was never mean to him about it. <P>Finally my lover showed up at my office (2 hours away by plane from his town). He said we needed to talk. I reluctantly agreed to talk to him and told him he must forget me. I did not let him try to suck me back in. I was firm and strong. He said "but what about all the promises we made? All the things we said were so real" and I said "they were real feelings that existed in an unreal world of an affair" and that I did not want him in my life and that I wanted to work on things with my husband. He reiterated that his life with his wife was bad and beyond improvement but that he'd be all right. I wished him luck and he told me to cal him if I ever got divorced. <P>Seeing him, even if it was just to end things totally, was a mistake because prior to that, I was not depressed. After this, I became depressed for some reason. Like Dr Harley says, it set my progress back to day one of withdrawal. But at last I got through to him and he agreed to leave me alone. After I got through to him, he started saying kind things about his wife to me like "now I know how much my wife loves me, she knows I saw you and she is understanding. Now I know why I married her" and "I told one of my friends about this and he read me the riot act. I never knew how risky this was before" and it made me feel so bad. I felt bad that he was acting high and mighty after begging me to see him and even saying for me to call him if I ever got divorced. I hate that I called him to ask why he showed up at my office and that is what is making me the maddest. He forced the closure that I was already comfortable with. I had done so much to work with my husband at that point and then I let him walk right back in to make HIMSELF feel better. All it did was set my recovery back. I also hate that he acted high and mighty about his relationship. But this was our last conversation.<P>I do not know why I wrote all this out. God forbid he finds this website and looks at this. He will know. But I cannot seem to forget my stupid mistakes and I feel so stupid that I was with someone so selfish. Someone who puts himself and making himself feel better before anyone else. Do you see him the same way, or is he just sad because he lost me? I have never explained this in such detail to anyone and would love insight to his character, if that is OK to ask. I know mine is flawed as well, but maybe hearing some negative things will make me feel better. Because my life is back to normal more or less except I ruminate about the mistakes I made in the end. <P>I guess I just needed to tell someone the whole story, and see if anyone has any opinions on this situation. To date (since end of June) there has been no communication between us.<BR>

When did you confess to your husband? When was your final contact with the other man? How is your marriage going today and how do you feel about your marriage and your husband? Do you want to be his life partner? Lots of work to do.<P>I will respond back after hearing more about your husband.

Well you don't NEED me or anyone else to tell you what kind of man he was. I mean he was involved with another girl before you, right? Then with you? All while having a wife and kids at home?<P> He is the worst kind of scum. If you would have given up your life for this man, it would be you he was doing this on. Think hard about that.<P> I find it difficult at best for someone to think an affair partner would be someone worthwhile to share a life with. <P>1. If he is married now, what makes you possibly think he would not have an affair on you too?<P>2. Even if the other person is not married, what kind of person chases after a married man/woman? Most likely NOT the kind of person you could share a life with. (sure, there are some that make it. But the vast majority do not.)<P> Yes, you are correct. Your character WAS flawed also.<BR>The difference is that you are able to see that flaw and can now take steps to correct it. Someone like him though? Well, can you see yourself living with a person like him and trusting him when he takes his away trips without you?<P> jd

Hi there recovered,<P> Wow, what a story, you really have a way with words. <P>To answer your question I think he did have feelings for you BECAUSE you made HIM feel good... I would bet that he is a serial cheater....he probably needs the high of an affair to feel good. <P>You sound very intelligent and I am so glad that you saw the light before it was too late with your H. As far as feeling bad now, there are quite a few WS on here and it seems to be a process of forgiving yourself .....If you can find posts from SKM she would be a great help.Hang in there , you are on the right track! LU

Things with my husband are going extremely well. When I admitted it back in March, he refused to accept that the "affair me" was the real me, and said he'd wait until I came back to him, *if* I came back to him. He thought I was confused, which I was, and knew we had a lot of hard work to do to get things back, but was willing to do it. He knew I was confused all along, and just stood by my side, and even helped by looking for an apartment for me. He did everything he could to be kind, and admitted many mistakes he had made in our relationship (although he did not cheat, he had a way of making me feel less important than his friends or family, and never really cherished me or showed emotion for me. Now he does. It is remarkable how much he's changed, and how sincere he is. I'm just so mad at myself that it took something terrible like this to make things right. It was a very hard way to do it). All this made me feel like we had hope. <P>For the first few months, I felt sad and down - I felt used. I heard about the other women at that point and felt sad and mad at myself for missing all the signs that seemed so clear. I thought I was different. But it never made me hate my affair partner. I wanted to hate him so I could forget. I was so mad that I was thinking all this about my affair partner becasue at the same time, my husband and I were making remarkable strides: counseling was going well, we were spending time together, we were having fun. We were becoming more of a couple than before. We joined our bank accounts, got on a schedule to pay off our collective debt (it used to be either mine or his - never *ours*) and started decorating our previously undecorated apartment and buying furniture. In short, we started building a life together, which we had failed to do before. But I still felt something was distant about it all -it still wasn't 100%.<P>Then, very recently, we went on vacation. It was on vacation and after that I was able to hold him and make love with him like never before. I used to avoid it, even before the affair. I knew this when we reconciled, but was hoping it would all get better right away. On vacation, I realized I could love him, really love him, again. And I was so happy. This was the only thing I thought was missing, and then suddenly I started feeling it again, by acting more loving to him. He was, and still is, the best person I have ever known. He has shown such forgiveness, such a capacity to change for the better, and such great love of me through this whole process. And I want to be with him forever. I am so lucky. If you asked me 2 months ago, i would have said that I was happy. Now I am 100% happy (except for trying to forgive myself and for allowingmyself to be tricked by this person. I cannot stop blaming myself)<P>The reason I posted is because I have had trouble putting the affair behind me and forgiving myself for being so stupid and for compromising my morals. Believe it or not, writing it all out really helped. And reading everyone else's stories helped as well. I feel better after all this writing. It's better than therapy or a journal combined!

Recovered?<P>Just for the record, your OM didn't trick you. You fell for him because you wanted to. Most of what you did, you did because you wanted to.<P>I doubt that you will be able to forgive yourself until you come to that understanding and really understand why you did what you did.<P>Also, while I have no doubt that your H is doing his best to recover, I would be willing to bet much of what you see today was there all along. You just never really appreciated him as you do now.<P>Finally, I suspect that you may find the ability to forgive if you come to realize that YOU need to be doing a lot of changing. If you have accepted your H's forgiveness and love, but have changed little other than getting rid of OM, then you realize in your heart you have not met your H even half way. When you decide to meet him more than half way, and begin to give to him without balancing your giving against what you feel he is giving you, then I suspect you will find the love for him you seek and the forgiveness as well.<P>Yours is a very sad but heartwarming story, but you have only just begun to recover. Your H carried the heavy load for a long while and you expected him to change and he did. Now it is your turn and as you do, I think you will get what you want.<P>One final thought and I know this is going to hurt initially when you hear it, but please think about it and understand this tells you abit about where you can make your marriage better. <P>I believe you stated that your H sort of expected you to have an affair. Now think about this. This is a pretty awful statement. He felt you really weren't mature enough, strong enough, and perhaps trustworthy enough to resist having an affair. I realize you used this as sort of a excuse for having an affair. However, it also suggests that your H had little faith in you as a grown woman and life partner. He was proved correct.<P>The purpose I mention this is to suggest, it might be useful to you, your sense of guilt, and your confidence in yourself, to become the type of person he would never think that of again. I suspect your focus in your marriage was a bit misguided and therefore you were very vulnerable to an affair. You could argue had your H behaved differently that would have protected you from the affair. It is not his job as your H, to protect you from an affair. It is your job. As you take on that job, I suspect you will find that he loves you even more, but more importantly will view you as his Wife and Partner, not W and little girl.<P>Some food for thought. You have done very well Recovered? keep up the great progress.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL - Thanks for taking the time to write. Your response opened my eyes. It is true, I did not get tricked. I chose. I know that, and knew it then bt did it anyway. As Kurt Vonnegut and the existentialists say, we've all got free will. <P>I am going to think aboutwhat you said because it is something I never considered. Maybe my obstacle now is that I havent let it go because I cannot forgive myself and I have not changed enough yet. I suppose that will come with time. <P>But each day I get closer to him because I am changing - I call him at work to say hello, to tell him I love him. Or cook for him at night even though I am tired and it is very late. Or send him an email which tells him how I happy I am to have him in my life. Or tell him how wrong I was. Or tell him how sorry I am. Not becasue he is being so forgiving (initially, that's why i did it) but now it is because I love him and want to have a good marriage. And every day I can, I tell him how I am committed to making up for all the things I have done. These small acts make my heart bigger and make my love for him stronger. And these things teach me about myself. <P>So, thanks very very much.<P>Best,<BR>Recovered. <P>He is the same person he used to be: kind generous, loving. The only differenc eis he has changed the way he talks to me, and has learned to show affection and not act embarassed of me.

Recovered?<P>You said it is perhaps because you have not "changed enough yet." Permit me to offer something else for you to consider. I don't think people really change. At least not the basic part of themselves. You cannot really "change" yourself and that is why BS' live in fear that their WS' will do it again.<P>However, what does happen is that you begin to see things "differently" and respond to things differently. It appears to be change but it is still you. You will mature, and grow, but most of all your perspective will change. That is why I mentioned that your H hadn't changed so much as you view him differently.<P>No matter what he does you now KNOW that he loves you deeply or he wouldn't have been able to survive your affair. He hasn't changed, you just have seen more of his love. You are doing some very nice things for your H and I am sure he appreciates them. But I would like to offer you something else to consider.<P>Some day ask him if alot of what you are doing makes him feel a little self-conscious, that maybe you are trying to "make up" for what has happened. That it is your guilt driving this behavior rather than a deep love. I think you might be surprised at the answer.<P>Where am I going here? Well, you are trying to "makeup" and you cannot. What I would bet he would like is for you to do is love him and show you love him in ways that you are comfortable with. Ways you can maintain for the next 50 years. Ways that don't tire you out, but you enjoy doing. I am betting he wants you to be a secure woman, happy with herself, and comfortable with herself. He wants you to love him even when he doesn't "deserve" it. But mostly he is going to want a friend that he can trust and that loves him.<P>Is this where you are going with your attempts to show him how much you love him??? I hope so. Why not ask him. Why not sit down and POJA this abit. Decide what you enjoy doing, are comfortable doing, and don't feel like you are on eggshells doing.<P>He will need many reassurances as you two heal, but you will also. Just remember that if this is the worse thing that happens in your life, you will have had a pretty good life. Maybe not perfect, and not as good as it could have been, but better than so many other people.<P>Recovered? you will recover yourself as you learn who you are. As your perspectives change you will see yourself and your H differently and I think in a more charitable manner. You will always feel saddened for what you did for over a year, but if you use your new perspectives well you and your H may come to believe that this experience was useful in allowing the two of you to enjoy a better marriage.<P>Is this making any sense? I hope so. Your need to be remorseful what has happened, but the guilt needs to go. But mostly if you continue to grow into a woman who can be trusted, who can love her H, and can learn to like and love herself, I think you are going to be just fine.<P>I hope this gives you something to think about.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Recovered? <BR>Your story gives me hope to continue my wait for my real H to show up.<P>What you and JL are discussing is what I have been discussing with my students...paradigms...What we experience through this A stuff is a paradigm shift...I explained it to my students that paradigms were the glasses through which we view the world and that a paradigm shift is like getting a new prescription...sometimes we have to keep trying until we get the best one and we can see the world more clearly...the more information we get the clearer our viewpoints .<P>Thanks.<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Recovered,<P>wow!!! what a story. Thanks for posting that. <P>You really explained this from a woman's perspective and really helped me understand a lot about how a woman thinks. Doesn't mean my W is the same but it sure helps. I'm going to go buy her a big bunch of flowers <P>Thanks.<P>- Freddy<p>[This message has been edited by Freddy (edited September 26, 2001).]

Recovered?<BR>Yep, it was a long one, but worth it if it got that off your chest!<BR>I went through the same ordeal. I WANTED the OM to sweep me off my feet, he was so in love with me, he appreciated me so much, he finally had something good in his life!<BR>What he really was was looking for someone to take care of him, and make him feel good about himself by "stealing" (for lack of a better term) someone elses woman. And yes, it takes two to tango and I was more than willing to go along. He told me the same wonderful things you heard. I was soooo good for him.<BR>Now I see that I was weak, I willingly fell into his world.I wanted to be loved unconditionally so bad that I was willing to trash my M to get it.<BR>The OM didn't force you to do anything, he was only following his instincts and finding your weakness. You can't blame him or yourself solely for that. You were weak, now you see the error in your ways, you are trying to make amends. That's all you can do. Put the past away and look ahead. Be the best W you can possibly be and you'll have to make no apologies.<BR>I've rambled on enough...but don't feel alone. You'll get through it.

Hi Recovered?<BR>You can always go back and edit your original post and delete everything to avoid your fears of OM finding you out here.<P>Just wanted to say your story was touching because it sounds like your husband loves you a lot. The road to your recovery won't be so much about getting your needs met as it will be about YOU protecting yourself against your own weaknesses.<P>If your betrayed husband can forgive you, why hold a grudge against yourself? No one is immune to affairs. The fact that you guys survived with your marriage intact is awesome and encouraging. Hang in there! You might have to practice forgiving yourself 10 times a day until you believe it. If I were you, I would say it to myself out loud. "I forgive you, Recovered?, you made a mistake." Then give yourself a hug.<P>Read Harley's Q&A on Avoiding an Affair--very interesting notes on protecting yourself when attracted to a member of the opposite sex.<P>Keep focusing on your husband's love and the changes he has made for you and be forever grateful! You are so blessed!

I didn't buy those flowers yesterday - had a long day at work - so I'm doing it during my lunch break today.<P>Recovered?<P>I'm glad to see your head is cleared of the fog <P>good luck,<P>- Freddy