After being in what I thought was a wonderful marriage for 22 years, I have discovered that my husband has been unhappy and cheating for years.<P>Now, here's the thought: I never knew about any of this - either the unhappiness or the cheating.<P>So why is it necessary to share that load of s**t with me?<BR>Okay, you're unhappy, you want out of the marriage. Adios.<BR>Personally, I think that the rat-bas*ards should have to live with the guilt and let it consume them and eat up their insides annnnnnndddd maaakkkeee thhhheeeemmm goooo aassss crrrraaazzzyyy asss theyyy'vveee mmmmaaddeeee uuusss.<P>The only reason I can see to share all of that ugliness with someone who didn't know about it is to inflict pain and try to unburden themselves of their guilt.<P>

<BR>The only reason I can see to share all of that ugliness with someone who didn't know about it is to inflict pain and try to unburden themselves of their guilt.<P>I can understand what you are saying. I confessed an affair to my husband that he had no idea about. I wish I had been able to not tell but frankly it was his life I messed with and he had the right to make decisions on it and if I was fit to continue being his wife.<P>I suppose I could have been devious and continued to lie....our marriage was in such a horrible state by the time I confessed, both of us were depressed, my affair was over for a long time but it was there.<P>We have come a long way and in case you dont know my husband recently had his revenge affair. Now we are going to fix everything starting with our 10th wedding anniversary this weekend.<P>Selfish was the affair, telling was the most unselfish thing I think I have ever done.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Beautiful:<BR><B><BR>The only reason I can see to share all of that ugliness with someone who didn't know about it is to inflict pain and try to unburden themselves of their guilt.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I just don't see any reason to tell someone you're planning to leave anyway about all the ugly stuff that will just cause them pain. But I guess if you're planning to leave them, what's a little more pain?<BR>

billbailey,<BR>I didn't know for 8 months why my H of 15 years wanted out of the marriage. He swore there was no one else. Just that he was unhappy.<P>And, my life made no sense whatsoever. Nor did the STDs.<P>His disclosure of his affair, although carrying new issues of it's own, gave me some clarity. <P>With information you can make an informed decision. Is your marriage worth trying to save? Are you willing?<P>Plus, you go to your physician and make sure your H didn't pass anything along to you--something you might not think about if he just walked out with a "this isn't working, see ya". <P>My marriage is recovering. It was my choice to work for that, it took time, and now my H is back with me, with our family, and for me that is the optimal outcome.<P>I would much rather be living with the truth than ignorant of what had taken place.<P> <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lor (Lor):<BR><B>With information you can make an informed decision. Is your marriage worth trying to save? Are you willing?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I begged for the chance to rebuild our marriage, but he refuses. End of subject. I even said I could get over the past, that we had so much going for us, so much time invested, but he won't consider it. And that is a horrible, helpless feeling - when you aren't given any chance to try to repair something that meant so much to you.<P>Yes, I've been to the physician. Still waiting for the results. <P> <P><BR>

billbailey,<BR>My story is--and is not--of comfort. My H too refused to consider reconciliation for awhile, then when he did...he continued the A. It took 2+ years from his PA to our final reconciliation, now 16 months ago.<P>I still would rather make decisions based on the reality of what our situation was/is, than some former dream that we were always happy together. Plan A & MB worked for us...eventually. It really is worth a try to do everything you can, so that you yourself have no regrets. If your H shuts you down...you tried, you have time to heal, and can after a time move on with your life with no guilt of your own.<P>You don't have to agree with me. It's just that I can tell you what it was like *for me* not to know about the A--and still have that "horrible, helpless feeling" you talk about when you aren't given a chance, plus you don't know why.<P>There is a reason that marriagebuilders regards honesty very highly, and that is so we can make good decisions for ourselves. <P>I wish you the best with the tests. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by billbailey:<BR>I just don't see any reason to tell someone you're planning to leave anyway about all the ugly stuff that will just cause them pain. But I guess if you're planning to leave them, what's a little more pain?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>In my view, there's a good reason for it. My wife and I are separated; if you want, you can read about the whole thing on the D/D forum. She's been giving me a bunch of reasons that don't add up; I suspect there's another man, but don't have enought proof to confront about it. Personally, I'd prefer to know the truth, though if will be painful if I'm right; the confusion of being told she's leaving me for this bunch of vague, ever-shifting "reasons" instead of something concrete may drive me crazy. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dabigtrain:<BR>[BPersonally, I'd prefer to know the truth, though if will be painful if I'm right; the confusion of being told she's leaving me for this bunch of vague, ever-shifting "reasons" instead of something concrete may drive me crazy. <BR>[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I told mine that I could let all of that history go if we could just work on what we have. He doesn't feel he has anything to give. I suspect another woman, but have no proof. I actually don't even care at this point. He went from happily married to wanting a divorce, to moving out, to filing for divorce all in one week.<P>It's so hard to accept that after all our history he can just leave me here hemorrhaging in agony and not even look back. It makes me feel so disposable, just tossed away.

BB:<P>Just read you on the end of Bad Hubby's thread.<P>I like you had NO idea. 17 years & then bam! "I can't take it anymore I want a divorce." My H denied an A until I bluffed him. He never would have told me.<P>It hurts. It is the worst thing I can think of next to loosing a child. <P><BR>I just said to my H today as he "vented" to me about all MY problems.....Didn't you punish me enough already for MY problems. Cheating and lying for 13+ years. My H NEVER considered what this would do to our kids...15,14,10,6<P>I think he's a sex addict, but the MC & H disagree (they must know something I don't)<P><BR>No advice....I think Adulterers suck...Sounds like a bumper sticker for me...<P>Lisa

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by louser:<BR><B>No advice....I think Adulterers suck...Sounds like a bumper sticker for me...<BR>Lisa</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know that you, too, don't feel like you're clueless - how do they do this to us? I understand how he could have managed it while he lived in one city and us in another for 3 long years because of his job...but he says this was going on while we were living together, too. How does he go out and mess with someone and then come home and tell me he loves me and makes love to me and continues to make me believe we have a wonderful marriage???!!!<P>I thought that he was my best friend, and now that's lost to me. I really struggle to comprehend how he can mortally wound me and walk away and leave me hemorrhaging like this without looking back.<P><BR>

Maybe its just sex?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by billbailey:<BR><B> I understand how he could have managed it while he lived in one city and us in another for 3 long years because of his job...but he says this was going on while we were living together, too. How does he go out and mess with someone and then come home and tell me he loves me and makes love to me and continues to make me believe we have a wonderful marriage???!!!<P>I thought that he was my best friend, and now that's lost to me. I really struggle to comprehend how he can mortally wound me and walk away and leave me hemorrhaging like this without looking back.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I am in the same exact boat, too. Came home one day to find a NOTE on TV, with all keys to house, car, etc. attached. Said, "I don't want to be m. anymore, I've filed for d." There's more, but NOTHING about OW, yet that is exactly where he ran to, and has remained now for 4 months.<P>Personally, I have come around (I was FURIOUS!!! at first), and now I see that his "running out" was his way of relieving his guilt, trying to handle it. My H has never mentioned OW to me, as though SHE doesn't even exist! Even when I call her home, and she answers phone, and I ask to speak to my H! Just as though this is the most natural thing in the world!! I think he cannot stand the pain of what he's doing, and so blocks it out. "Compartmentalizes" it.<P>In your case, I really truly think your H told you for a couple of reasons, all outlined in other responses before mine: #1: guilt, he had to "come clean" - he couldn't keep it to himself any longer<BR> #2: trying to "protect" you, so you'd know, and could get tested, "just in case" (but of course we all KNOW she couldn't possibly have anything - she's not that kind) <P>As far as the chance to rebuild the M? Give it time. The A will likely die a natural death, and he may come back then. He's not ready, yet. Feeling too depressed, or guilty, or both. Let them HAVE each other, and as you say "maaakkkeee thhhheeeemmm goooo aassss crrrraaazzzyyy asss theyyy'vveee mmmmaaddeeee uuusss"!!<P>Lupo

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Beautiful:<BR><B>Maybe its just sex?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>We NEVER had a problem in that department. In fact we both rather enjoyed the fact that it was so good, even better, after 20 years of marriage.