Hey everyone, it's seems like a long time since I've read or posted here. Last time I was here(june) my (now)x-wife and I were about to have our divorce finalized. She asked me to put it on hold, which I did, but when it became clear the the OP was still in the picture I couldn't take anymore and went through with the D. We had been seperated since Jan and there were at least 6 times that my x wanted to work on our marriage(I always wanted to), but as soon as things started going well, she'd lose interest. And we'd be back to the very little contact routine. I don't believe she was ever really serious about working on our marriage then.<P>Anyway to try and make a long story short. We've now been divorced for about 2 months and she's come to me, wanting to get back together. I love her as much as ever. I'd love for our family(7year old daughter, 2year old son) to become a single loving unit again, and am willing to do anything to restore that. For the past 7 days she has stayed 5 nights with me and the kids. We've called each other a lot. She has seemed(maybe acted) extremely happy with me and our future. She wants us all to move, she believes it would be a great way to get a new beginning. She has seemed so sincere about everything she's said lately, which she's never really acted like she wanted to save our marriage before now. She actually filled out all the MB questionaires I printed out for her months ago. She's even suggesting counseling for the first time. She never want to do any of this before but is now the one pushing it. I'm all for it and will do as always whatever I can... even though I feel like I was starting to move on and get over everything. I even had a kind of girlfriend, yes I know, too early to get involved with someone new right now, but I can't tell you how much it helped me. It also made my x extremely jealous and made her realize that I was moving on without her and she couldn't take that. Anyway I'm not seeing anybody now, except x, and she has told me that she has very little contact with OP. They do talk everynow and then, but she says she has no desire to see him again. I really want to believe her, but I know better than to trust her totally right now. <P>Ok, now for the actual reason for this message. Like I said we've spent a number of nights together lately, she has all kinds of plans for us and our future. The past week has been incredible. If it is a sign of things to come, our marriage(if we get remarried), will be better than ever. But last night(Tuesday) she was suppose to come over after work and spend some time with me and the kids, and probably spend the night again. She stayed monday night and tuesday morning she said she was coming over that night. Well I called her voice mail once yesterday just to say hey and tell her I love her. She never called me back. After putting the kids to bed last night, I called again. This time I woke her up(so she says). She had come home after work and crashed on the couch. One of the problems I've dealt with since our seperation was that she is now hanging out with a bunch of bad influences for friends. She has been taking different pills, muscle relaxers. Not sure how often or what kind. But I know she has been taking them, she called me one night to come take care of her because she had taken something that made her sick. I really don't know if she has an addiction, I haven't been around her enough to see. If she does have a problem I believe we can deal with that. But the thing that's bothering me right now is that she didn't call at all yesterday(well she did leave me a message around midnight last night to say she loves me and to apologize for not calling earlier). It was her idea for her to come over and spend time with us. But she didn't even call me or the kids to tell them goodnight, which she's done a lot more frequently the past few weeks. Anyway of course I can't help but think the worst, that her OP was over there, either that or she took something that made her drowsey. And now today she hasn't called and the wondering about last night has been bothering me. <P>What do I do? I'm terrified that she's been BSing me the past week(actually for the past 3 weeks, she came to me earlier with these plans but I wanted to give her more time to be sure before I got my hopes up), for what reasons I do not know. She's gotten my hopes up as well as our children's. She's told her friends that we're getting back together, she's even introduced me as her husband to a few friends over the weekend. But now, is she slipping? Was the past week a fluke? She sure seemed happy. She seemed like the girl I knew for 12 1/2 years. Everything was going better than I thought possible. She was the one pushing everything, the one who came to me to want to get back together. And now she doesn't even call and comes up with a pretty lame excuse for not calling. I don't want to accuse her of anything,(OP or drugs) and piss her off to where we back-track, but the suspicions I had last night and today are driving me crazy. <P>Well, I'm sorry for this call for help. I've tried to condense everything, so it probably doesn't make any sense. Also I'm a bit brain dead this morning as well. But any advice given is appreciated. Just writing here and reading other postings always helped in the past.<P>Thanks for taking the time to read this.<P>kb4jb <P>[This message has been edited by kb4jb (edited September 26, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by kb4jb (edited September 26, 2001).]

hi kb4jb, <P> I think you need to apply the brakes just a little. You say "she" has been making all the plans for the future. Slow her down a little bit and make her understand that her current actions hurt and will not be tolerated.<P> Set some ground rules and both of you follow through. No more can she afford to not call, not be found, hang out with the wrong crowd. Her actions MUST change completely. <P> NO, NO, NO. NO CONTACT what-so-ever with the OM. Do not give on this. You know this is an essential for any kind of true recovery. NO CONTACT. It is a must. End of story.<P> I wish you luck.<P> jd

Ditto jd!<P>She has still shown the ability to not be totally honest!! Moving may be a great idea, if she is truly sincere, but will it start all over again? I agree with the ground rules and NO NO NO CONTACT!! If she is willing to do these things, there may be a chance, but if not, I believe you will be divorced again if the foundation isn't stronger!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Yeah, you gotta go with your gut instincts on this because while there are several good things to consider, you still have a lot of doubts about your ex... To protect yourself, don't do anything until all doubts are removed from your head. She still must prove herself trustworthy to you. Right? The only way she can do that is with time--LOTS of time--to show you she has changed. Obviously you forgive her and you both still have love for each other, but there are lots of doubts in your mind so wait for them to ALL disappear. You should not discuss remarrying until you have NO DOUBTS! That's my take on it.

Thanks everyone who replied. While I wanted her to stop all contact with the OM, I didn't feel like demanding anything would be a good thing. Over the past year when anything was suggested to her, she got her defenses up and did the opposite. Well yesterday afternoon after I got home with the kids I got a really big surprise. I was leaving my x a message on her cell phone when I got a knock at the door... it was her. She came in said she missed me then told me that she will never have any contact with him again.... ever. She said they had a conversation yesterday that ended with each of them saying F*** off and have a good life. I'm not sure what was said to bring this about, but I really don't care as long as it sticks. It was a nice surprise, before I even had a chance to tell her that I thought they shouldn't ever contact each other again, she had already broken all contact with him. I just hope it is forever. I know she'll probably have some feelings for him for a while, but I believe that it won't take long for her to forget because our time together lately has been so good for both of us. I have no reason to believe that as long as we keep up what we're doing our happiness will last a life time. It'll take work to keep our relationship fresh and exciting but we both realize this and I think that's half the battle.<P>She's really been making an effort to make me happy. She's been happy doing everything she can for me. And she's been very happy about the way I've treated her. Another good thing she said last night is that she wants to prove her love to me and to prove herself to me so I will trust her again. She understands that have I very little trust right now and she wants to work with me to regain that trust.<P>As far as remarriage goes... it will be months before we go through with that again. If things keep going like they have, it is just a matter of time. And really to me anyway, even though we're divorced legally, I never really divorced her emotionally. So I'm in no rush. She still has my last name anyway.<P>But no matter what, this is going to be hard. My family and friends HATE her. That's my fault. When all this started I had no one to talk to except my friends and family. I told them everything. Big mistake. I didn't know any better, but I do now(wish I would've found this site 9 months ago). They'll hate me for taking her back. After all I've been through they cannot possibly understand how I could still love her so much. I don't believe anyone could understand unless they went through something like this. <P>Oh well, the past week has been great. We're treating each other like we should. We're having fun just being together. She taking the step necessary for recovery(I think). And we're all happy(me, x and our kids). <P>Thanks again. As always in the this place really helps.

Hey Man,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>But last night(Tuesday) she was suppose to come over after work and spend some time with me and the kids, .....This time I woke her up(so she says)..... One of the problems I've dealt with since our seperation was that she is now hanging out with a bunch of bad influences for<BR>friends. She has been taking different pills, muscle relaxers. Not sure how often or what kind...... It was her idea for her to come over and spend time with us. But she didn't even call me or the kids to tell them goodnight,......And now today she hasn't called and the wondering about last night has been bothering me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> These are YOUR words. Look, if what you want is happening, what is the hurry? Slow down! Do not let your emotions rush you into something BEFORE you know she is a changed person. <P> If she is being honest with what she wants there is NO need to rush. All that is at stake is your sanity and that of your CHILDREN. SLOW DOWN!<P> Just my 2 cents. Good luck.<P> jd<p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited September 27, 2001).]