H called and asked if I was going to pick my daughter tonight. He said to me, "You would never think of going to your mother's to have supper, pick up D and come home, would you." I calmly responded, "Not that I didn't think of this but I thought you would prefer to spend time with D alone before I get home from work." He responds, "You wouldn't think I'd want to have dinner with you an D as a family, would you, because that's never going to happen." <P>Is this normal behaviour for a WS?

I don't follow this?<BR>He wants you to go to your mothers? Why?<BR>Whats that got to do with your family?

Hi Terrified,<P>Yes, unfortunetly, this is typical behavior of a WS, honey, And I'm sorry he is being such an insensitive schmuck.<P>Normally a WS will make their best effort at trying to get you to LB, they harbor massive guilt for what they've done and need to justify it to themselves. Having you LB them will make them feel better about the bad things they are doing to you and their children.<P>Whatever you do, do not LB, no matter what he says. Don't give him the ammunition. But at the same time, create your boundaries. If he is being verbally abusive, tell him you feel hurt by them using "I" statements. <P>Another thing, some of the WS's are angry people, angry with themselves yet they take their anger out on the BS. It's about them, Terrified, not about you or your children. My H was horrifically angry, I had no idea what about at the time, he said things and treated me less than human. It took me a long time to come to grips that it had nothing to do with me. <P>I'm really sorry for he hurtful things he's saying. He doesn't mean them, and if he even remembers saying them (post FOG) he will regret it terribly. <P>Stay strong Terrified, and remind yourself again and again, this isn't about you.<P>God Bless,<BR>Jo

I still don't get it.<BR>What was hurtful?<BR>The comment about its never going to happen????<P>Maybe he's trying to keep you from getting your hopes up. I certainly don't know the tone in which it was delivered, but I know I am often accused of being cold or mean.<P>I get sick of the constant expectations. Sometimes its better to just be definite about some things otherwise you are always feeling like you're disappointing the BS. That gets real tiring.<P>

Terrified Wrote:<BR>H: "You wouldn't think I'd want to have dinner with you an D as a family, would you, because that's never going to happen." <P>Lexxxy,<P>I'll try to help explain why it is hurtful, if that's okay. IMHO, Terrified's H saying that he will never again have dinner with his family is hurtful. Regardless if it's setting realistic expectations or not, those words would hurt any family unit knowing the spouse/father/husband intends never to have a family dinner as a family unit again.<P>In my household, the meals, mainly dinner, was one of the very meaningful times of the day. To sit together and talk over the day and share a meal together.<P>

Hi R & Lex, Good to hear from both of you. Lex, R is right in her interpretation of the why it's hurtful to hear my H talk about never having dinner with us a family. His tone was sarcastic and he was definitely angry. The comment about dinner with my mother was meant to accuse me of not having a solid relationship with my mother. Lately, he's been accusing me of not being able to have a successful relationship with anyone in my immediate family and why should our marriage be any different...I come from an extremely dysfunctional and abusive family (my father was physically abusive with my mother for most of the marriage). My parents have been apart for 18 years but my mother is an extremely bitter woman (justifiably). <P>Bottom line is that he is making sure that I feel like a failure in all aspects of my life.

Terrified - it looks like we are two of the few still awake. Not much talking on this board tonight. At any rate, please try to hang in there... I'm sorry lexxxy, but from what I gather you are the WS? You would have no idea how much anything so insignificant as being callous and cold and judgemental and hurtful can hurt a BS. We are raw and the WS is just trying to justify their own actions and not feel guilt. Sorry. But 9 times out of 10 that is true. If you are the 10th,lexxxy, more power to ya. Hang in there. I'll be praying for you terrified (and you too lexxxxy)<P>Debbie<BR>

Hi T,<P>Sounds like your H is angry,frustrated and trying to confuse you. Is it working? Hm..... kinda but you are here and learning other's opinions. <P>Pretty natural state of confusion from a WS. The words, 'I really want you to come home but I am going to make you feel guilty instead of ask you like a normal person would', these words or at least this train of 'thought' comes out on a regular basis. As you are trying to make heads or tails to understand their words, you may get hit with an attitude. You are expected to know what to do, what to say and how to act. More importantly you are suppose to be able to explain it back to them. <P>Think I'm just trying to be funny? Nope. Really happened to me. Many times. Eventually I gave up. Threw my hands up and let him talk, then I just walked away and took care of my responsibilities. He eventually heard himself and a few times even wondered out loud what was he doing. <P>So, listen but if it sounds confusing to you, it probably sounds confusing to them also. Don't get upset. Just go concentrate on something else until they start making sense. It helps keep your santity. That helps retain clarity in your mind and yes, it does help keep the hope alive. <P><BR>L. <BR>