Hi All,<P>Just want to let you know what's been going through my head lately. My W went to see a lawyer Monday night. Don't know what they talked about. We're supposed to discuss separating later this week, but for all I know she may have filed. Hopefully the lawyer advised her to try a separation<BR>before filing, but I guess I'll know soon enough. <P>It appears there a several possible scanarios that can play out:<P>1. She may have filed. If she did, I'll continue to pursue a separation under the conditions we discussed. I don't see how we could go through a D and continue living together.<P>2. She might agree to a separation, but I will only do it with 50/50 shared custody and with her leaving. She can't afford the mortgage and I can, it's the financial reality.<P>3. She didn't file, but isn't willing to separate or work on the marriage. If this is the case, I may have to consider filing myself on the grounds of infidelity. Whether I have enough info to prove infidelity is for a judge to decide. The way I figure it, my W would have three options:<P>a. agree to D and the grounds under which I'm filing<P>b. contest the grounds, but at least I would be able to get what I know on the record and she would have to face the consequences of her actions<P>c. decide to work on our marriage<P>Right now, the chances of saving my marriage look slim, but if we are to divorce I want the reasons for it to be clear. I don't think I could live with losing my marriage, my house and most likely custody of my daughter without her having to face what she's done. I've taken responsibilty for my mistakes as a husband and have done everything I could to correct them, I will not take responsibility for her choices or actions. She has to live up to her mistakes as a wife. I know this sounds vindictive, but I simply can't leave this marriage without the truth being told. Who knows, maybe the thought of going to court and facing everything she's done will be the kick in the head she needs to wake her up and give our marriage a chance. Hopefully it won't come to that. <P>sad dad<p>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited September 27, 2001).]

You are lucky you can claim any grounds for divorce...in Australia they're not interested in any of that stuff, who left who or why. They just encourage equitable splitting of assets and childcare arrangements.<P>Still before I knew this, I had said in anger to my H that if he ever had another A and left me again, I would take him to the cleaners....he hasn't told me about OW yet, and I suspect this is one of the reasons why.<P>I wish you well, and I hope she saw the lawyer for the best possible reasons for you and her. Only time will tell. Please try not to worry about why she went...I guess you'll find out soon enough, and in the meantime you won't be driving yourself crazy.<P>Take care,<P>Nina

Sad dad- Here's what I would do- call the county courthouse near you and find out if they have an online website- if she filed it will show up under the domestic court case records. I can see mine on there from the date when H filed on me.Consider filing a separation as a defensive measure to prevent her from filing for D on you. This could buy your relationship more time. If your W went to the lawyer she probably HAS or is in the PROCESS of filing.In my case my H filed and it took only 2 days from then to have me served. Lawyers dont make any $$$ unless they urge their potential clients to file! I remember when my H came to his senses after he filed for D on me in April- he called to cancel and his lawyer urged him to just put it on hold not dismiss it so as to save money by not having to pay court costs to refile it at a later date- yes a whopping $150 savings!!! So much for his lawyer's HAPPINESS for us about trying to reconcile! With lawyers its all about $$$. In fact his lawyer was so sure he would refile that she only just this week returned the remaining part of his filing fee from back in April. Find out from YOUR lawyer if there is any advantage in your filing first. Then do what YOU think best out of a bad situation! I will pray that she comes to her senses after having to deal with the legal and financial realties- I know thats what it took for my H to WAKE UP!!! lifeismessy

lim,<P>I really can't worry about whether or not she has filed. We're supposed to talk about a separation in the next few days, if she has filed there's not much I can do about it at this point, I'll know soon enough. If she had intended on filing, I doubt she would have told me she was going to see a lawyer. When I asked her why she was going to see a lawyer, she said she had a few questions. I gave her the chance to tell me if she was planning on filing. In any case, I think I'm prepared for any possible scenario.<P>sad dad

Hi sad - I see that you have no choice but choice #2 in your original post. This is the route I took - or rather was forced to take - when I told my wife there was no way I was leaving.<P>If she files, choice 2 is also the only real option in the mean time. Don't recall where you live, but the usual path seems to be that when minor children are involved, a mandatory waiting period of separation (one year for me) must pass before a divorce can be filed or completed. For the separation, things like custody and financial issues have to get hammered out.<P>I'll bet it feels like the chances to save your marriage now are slim to none, but I suggest that you shouldn't be the one to file just to have the satisfaction of having the real reason stated on a piece of paper. I suggest you not file at all.<P>The reason for my view reflects my situation which is fairly similar to yours. My wife has made all the decisions regarding her affair and our separation, including continuing denials and continuing refusal to participate in counseling. She won't even talk to Steve to give her side of the story so that he can better understand the situation. Thus, she carries the burden of making ALL of the decisions so far - and she'll have to make the final one to file. I will not relieve her of the burden to make that decision also.<P>IMHO - this strategy to exit the ordeal guilt free will be priceless to me in the long run. FAR more valuable than having "adultery" as the official reason.<P>WAT

WAT,<P>I believe your are correct that there is a mandatory separation period in the case of contested divorces. <P>What would you have done if your W had not agreed to leave? If we can agree on terms of a separation, I will ride it out without any intention to file. However, if my W doesn't file and won't agree to a separation, what do I do? It seems filing myself is my only option. I didn't mean to imply that my reason for filing is so she has to face the truth in court. I would file so that I could move on with my life. But, if I file it will be for the real reason, her A and unwillingness to work on our marriage because of it.<P>sad dad

OK, I understand. If she won't leave, you're in the same fix as OOOO.<P>I guess if my wife had refused to leave, I'd eventually be in the same fix.<P>WAT

WAT,<P>It seems option 1 or 2 are favorable to option 3. If what you say about a mandatory separation period is correct, then if she files and I contest it, she will have to leave or withdraw the paperwork. If she agrees to a separation, that's the best scenario. If she won't do either, and I choose option 3, I may have to leave or withdraw the paperwork. What a mess! Maybe I should change my name to "whatamess". Has a nice ring to it. I just wish she would do the decent thing as many WS's have done and leave, but NOOOOO! That would be too easy.<P>sad dad

sad - please find out the laws for your location. For me, we had to be separated for a year before either one of us could file. The exception is that I could have filed sooner on the basis of adultery - this eliminates the one year separation requirement.<P>WAT

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lifeismessy:<BR><B>If your W went to the lawyer she probably HAS or is in the PROCESS of filing.In my case my H filed and it took only 2 days from then to have me served. Lawyers dont make any $$$ unless they urge their potential clients to file! I remember when my H came to his senses after he filed for D on me in April- he called to cancel and his lawyer urged him to just put it on hold not dismiss it so as to save money by not having to pay court costs to refile it at a later date- yes a whopping $150 savings!!! So much for his lawyer's HAPPINESS for us about trying to reconcile! With lawyers its all about $$$. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>We had the same experience with WH's lawyer. The lawyer even delayed the dismissal for a few more weeks by first going on vacation, and then saying he had to research how to file for dismissal since he's never had to do that before, that everybody just puts it on hold rather than having to refile and pay the fee again. The lawyer also made more money on this mess by not just following the clear instructions my WH left on the guys voicemail requesting that the papers be dismissed. He had to call back and charge WH for another phone call so he could try to convince him to put it on hold instead of dismissing. It costs $200 to file in our county. Money is one of our issues, WH thinks I am cheap. The funny thing is, when we were negotiating stopping the D action, he tells me the lawyer advised him to just put it on hold to save the money, and he was acting like maybe he should do that. I thought this was a funny thing to suddenly get cheap on me about and told him that it had to be dismissed for me to believe he was sincere.<P>

Well my W and I talked a little about her visit with her lawyer. He advised her not to sign a separation agreement and not to move out. I'm not surprised, it's probably sound advice. She said she doesn't know what she's going to do. She's obviously still sitting on the fence.<P>I'm trying to find out if she is still talking to OM. I won't go into details, but I should know something soon. I'll wait to see what I find out before my next move. If I find out they are still talking frequently, I may have no other choice but to file myself. She told me they don't talk anymore, but I know that's not true. I can't worry about the guilt of being the one to file. I don't want a D, but I've got to do what's best for me and move on with my life.<P>sad dad<P>

^

I found out my W will be starting a Junior Acheivement program at work on 10/10. She did this last year and this is where her relationship with OM started. I assume he will be in JA again also. I'll try to find out for sure. If I find out he is and find out that the other info I'm looking for is what I suspect, I'll file for divorce. I don't see that I have any other choice. <P>She won't agree to a separation and won't work on our marriage. I can't continue to live with the lies, the deception and her total disregard for me or our marriage.<P>sad dad<BR>

anyone around???

Hi Saddad,<P>I'm here for a while. Interesting post. Have you ever talked to oooo? Your situations sound similar. <P>Your W sounds like she is still in denial. If she is not willing to leave, what is she willing to do for her family? <P>L.

Orchid,<P>She won't do anything. Won't admit A, work on marriage, try a separation or file. The ultimate fence-sitter. It's time for me to take control of my life. <P>sad dad<p>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited October 01, 2001).]

just bumping

SD:<P>The question is what do you want?<P>Obviously, you need for her fence-sitting to cease. To that end, continue to gather your evidence. Check with a lawyer about your options, as long as you cohabit, it becomes trickier to file for divorce.<P>One option you might consider is putting the house up for sale, and take out a rental agreement in your name only. Again, check with your lawyer about particulars in your area. As long as both of you are on the mortgage/rent, she has free access to the dwelling. By moving (and taking the kids, if possible), you force her hand.<P>Just a few tidbits that came up from my situation with my exW. Hope they help.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

stl,<P>I want to get on with my life. I would love a chance to save my marriage, but I can't do it on my own.<P>I talked to a lawyer this afternoon. She said to prove adultery, basically I would need to catch them in the act. However, she did say that I could file on the grounds of adultery and add a count of mental cruelty, whereas her relationship with OM and the lies and deception to cover it up and the pain I've suffered because of it would be grounds for mental cruelty. <P>Taking our daughter is not an option. I don't know if it is legal and it would be traumatic for our daughter. Besides, she is in daycare and what would prevent my W from picking her up and taking her herself.<P>I could offer to be the one who leaves, but I've been advised by my lawyer and the folks here not to do that. Also, I wouldn't leave without a signed seperation agreement with 50/50 shared custody. Her lawyer advised her not to sign anything. I'm really at a stalemate.<P>sad dad<P>

My goodness...sd, this is quite a stalemate. Several people have suggested comparing your situation to OOOO. Have you looked into that? I haven't kept up with OOOO, so I don't know, but I haven't seen you respond to their suggestions.<P>I'm reminded of a story of an old hounddog, sittin' on the front porch moaning. A friend comes by and asks the dog's owner what's wrong with the dog. He said, "well, see he's sittin' on a nail. It hurts him enough to make him moan, but doesn't hurt him enough to make him get up and move."<P>hmmmm... <BR>well, I guess many of us are in this situation in many different ways. sd, I believe you may just have to take a bold step and do something. sigh.... I feel your pain.... enough to make you moan.... but are you ready to get up and move to get off the nail?<P>perhaps, filing for D will certainly push her off the fence. You can always withdraw them before they are finalized. I'm not saying do this as manipulation, but filing may be the only way to end the stalemate. <P>Otherwise, sd, stay in Plan A a little while longer, and withstand the stalemate. She may get tired of it herself and make a decision. Or OM, may push her to make a decision.<P>In my case, 4 months since D-day. WH had an appointment with attorney last Wednesday to file for D. His conscience bothered him that morning, and he decided to come home. OW was pushing him to make a decision. He tried, but his conscience led him home. we'll see if he follows through... but anyway... I'm saying maybe she or OM will tire of this match - if you can persist.<P>huuuuggggsssss sad dad. I'm sorry for your predicament.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28