We had our 3rd counseling session today.<P>We have talked non stop since D-Day but at the end of the day, he still hasn't decided wahich of us he wants.<P>We have no contact, while we go through the counselling and he decided which of us is best for his future.<P>The counselor kept telling him today that he needs to make his mind up for all concerned and he asked her, how does he do this? Decision making isn't a great skill of his (he takes ages).<P>What did you base your decision on. He says he loves me but doesn't know if it's enough. He says he felt a rapport with the OW like he didn't even need to tell her his feelings. It was like she knew anyway.<P>Are we doomed? I've been trying to be as effective as I can at meeting his needs and hope he will choose me and his family. He is very affectionate and buys me flowers etc. Is this just guilt?<P>Should he leave and he's just too gutless to do it?<BR>

2bh:<P>The first thing the two of you can do is read the material on this site.<P>Secondly, read Dr. Harley's books <I>Surviving an Affair</I> and <I>His Needs, Her Needs</I>.<P>You have found the right place for working on your marriage. I can vouch that the MB principles do work.<P>Welcome to Marriage Builders.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

I'm not sure that the counsellor or anyone for that matter can force a decision. In fact, I truly believe that trying to make your husband decide could be a bigger problem. <P>I truly believe in the concepts of MB. It doesn't sound as if your counsellor is in tune with them. You should definitely read up on Plan A and Plan B. Also, get yourself a copy of His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair.<P>

I have read a lot of the stuff on the site but he hasn't (not to my knowledge). We did the emotional needs questionnaire and I was surprised to find his emotional needs were entirely different to his so I'm now trying to meet them.<P>I'm in the UK and can't get hold of the books very easily. amazon say it will take over a month.<P>I love the site and the principles make a lot of sense, although I do wonder sometimes whether this OW is the love of his life and I should let him go. He says things like "we just instinctively know what each other wants" and "i've been more open and honest with her than I've ever been with you"<P>Where do you go from here?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He says he felt a rapport with the OW like he didn't even need to tell her his feelings. It was like she knew anyway.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm not a WS, but I have to throw in my 2 cents.<P>My H thought he and OW shared a psychic bond, something so special it was a once in a lifteime thing. She knew his thoughts and feelings, he could feel her "move in his mind", knew just when she was thinking about him. She was such "pure good" that being in her presence he knew how people must have felt in Jesus' presence . <P>He recovered quite nicely and now says he was "very confused" at the time.<P>Heck, I couldda told him that (but didn't...it would have been a big LB!!!)<P>Kathi<P><p>[This message has been edited by kam6318 (edited October 01, 2001).]

L:<P>You can order the books by clicking the Bookstore link at the top of the page.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He says things like "we just instinctively know what each other wants" and "i've been more open and honest with her than I've ever been with you"<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Statements like these are what is referred to around here as "being in the fog".<P>For more background search the term "Moose Brain Worms" and "Alien Abductions"<P>Over in GQII, look up the topic Affairs for Dummies, you will find it quite enlightening.<P>You will see from reading in these forums, that despite how unique a feeling the wayward spouse thinks it is, that it has all been said and done countless times before.<P>The good news for you, is that there are steps you can take to help him out of his fog. The MB principles really do work; and your marriage can recover once the fog is dispelled and the two of you are working together.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL<P>

I came to MB about Feb or March of this year...dday was Aug 20,00.<BR>My H began reading this stuff, too, and I think it dispelled his last notions fo the specialness of his A. Everything, and I DO mean everything, the WS says in the fog came out of his mouth. Everything he "felt" for the OW, was detailed in threads here. He FINALLY saw that what he did is common and as old as time. His A was not special,it was sordid and ugly. He needed to tell himself it was all for some "higher" purpose, I think, because, Gee, if he did it for "love" and his "soulmate", it would not be soooo bad. <BR>Well, it was not love and she is not his soulmate and it was soooo bad. It helped our recovery a great deal when he let that last bit of it go...any chance your H will come in?

I wonder if he is starting to.<P>last night he said that teh OW was out of our lives and the marriage is not over. I may be clutching at straws and he may have a different view tonight but i'm taking it positively.<P>After doing the emotional needs, I have been doing all the things he needs, admiration, cuddles etc. I relaise that I have neglected him. Not entirely my fault (twin babies etc) but nonetheless he feels it.<P>I ever hopeful and will be till he tells me its over.