What do you do if Plan A has gone great - you've realized you have this wonderful marriage where your spouses EN's appear to be being met, your time together is wonderful and he really dreads the thought of you leaving - but he continues contact with OW. He says they are just friends and doesn't see this as an EA. <P>Do you spend time explaining what an EA is? Do you try to be a part of this friendship? Or do you just go to Plan B? <P>I keep wondering if I should go and meet her - maybe this would be the best. I know her, we were friends before I found out everything. We haven't talked since. If he really has become "just friends" with her, then I would be doing them both a favor in being so understanding. Then maybe my H would see me as trying to understand instead of walking out on him?<P>Or should I go to Plan B? I am starting to really question the foundation of my marriage when my H values this friendship over the health of our marriage and his friendship with me. <BR>What do you all think?

Your WH needs to understand that this is not healthy for the recovery of your marriage.<P>My WH tried to do the same thing and of course it did not work. As long as they have any sort of contact whatsoever then that leaves the door open for the A whether it be EA or PA to start up again.<P>Afterall....isn't them being friends how it started in the first place?<P>You said something about meeting her and then maybe you would understand more. I don't think you are the one that needs to understand anything. He needs to value your marriage and it's recovery more than the friendship he has with her.....a friendship that turned into an affair and almost...and possibly still could ruin alot of peoples lives.<P>I think you're H is still in the fog.....maybe a big fog horn will blow soon and he will come out of it. <P>Mine did. <P>Good luck!

Miss Priss - Thanks for the input. <P>I should clarify, as far as I know, this has only been an EA. My h brought it to my attention just after she confessed her feelings to him. He told me about the year long relationship (talking on the phone) because he was having doubts about our marriage and thinking he would like a fresh start - possibly with her. There were other things in our lives that happened simultaneously to him wanting the "fresh" start - job related.<P>Now he says they are just friends, that she played "her card" and it didn't go anywhere. He says if she tries it again it will be rejected again. But he has lied to me before, so why should I believe him this time? He obviously had feelings for her - this he cannot deny. <P>So, maybe you are right. Maybe I don't need to "join" in this friendship. But, would it be to my advantage? Going to Plan B seems so cold - especially when he does have these other job related issues and he really needs my support. Overall, he has been nice to me too. Except for this friendship and the continued contact, he is very loving to me. <P>I'm stuck in the middle thinking "if he loves me,why would he keep talking to her?" and "if I love him, why would I insist he stop talking to a friend that he enjoys? Am I just too jealous?"<P>So, this depression, lately, has left me feeling like I just want to be his friend and slowly move on and away - I don't want abrupt clousure like Plan B, I want to be his friend and slowly close this marriage down. I like him, but I see how we are different and this pain he causes me makes me feel so detached from him - makes me dream of someone else (who, I don't even know, but have faith exists). I am losing faith in his character.

Smile:<P>On the General Questions and Emotional Needs Boards today, there are two or three other questions that address the Emotional Affair situation.<P>Have you read them?<P>Clyde

This is exactly what I'm faced with too. When my H and I are together, we get along great, talk freely, laugh, etc. We simply are great friends and enjoy each other's company as well as enjoy the kids together.<P>I had to cut out any type of physical relationship when I found out about his affair. I think if I could sleep with him without blowing my adultry case I would be doing it(pardon the pun) frequently. We just as supposed to be together and things feel so right when I'm with him.<P>Anyway, he likes spending time with me as long as I don't get emotional (when he leaves, I generally tear up). What he doesn't understand is why it is not ok for him to continue living with OW and stringing me along too.<P>I finally filed for divorce because he shows no interest in working on marriage and refuses to look for another place to live. Even if he ended his relationship with her, he thinks it would be ok to still live there and I shouldn't worry about it.<P>Sorry but I just can't deal with my H sharing a bathroom with someone he has slept with. That doesn't feel to healthy to our marriage.....<P>I just wanted to say, I know how you feel. The chick/friend etc needs to go. It is disrespectful for him to expect you to trust so freely and for him to not make any sacrifices. Having friends of an opposite sex in itself is not the issue. It becomes an issue when it becomes more than friendship.<P>Good luck! PP

I have been there.<P>It is a total lack of respect for you and your family and marriage. He is disregarding your feelings. He has no respect if he won't give her up!<P>I was there---saw my H being too nice to co-worker who was getting divorced---asked him not to be friends with her-----He did not hear me, did not care about my feelings---WE are just friends-----Yea, but look wherer I am now! WE would NOT be here, if he would've heeded my warnings, and did what I asked---Saw it coming from a mile away....<P>I say to tell him that it is disrespectful and hurts you, so it isn't good for the marriage----LET HER GO!<P>Krystal

smile,<BR>I agree with several who have responded so far.... I too am dealing with an EA between H and divorcee who works directly for him....told me she is the best friend he has EVER had....boy, that makes you feel real good inside....anyway, he still works with her and sees her everyday which still drives me crasy....I thought we were on the road to recovery a few weeks ago but I found out as recent as Sept. 14th, he was still calling her on cell phone besides seeing her everynight....well, for the last two weeks, I have Love Busted BIG TIME....I have not been able to accept the last round of lies, lies, lies,.....he tells me that I should have let it go because he had "changed" since Sept. 16th....but something inside me changed and the anger, hate of his latest betrayal just took hold of me and I have had the worst time letting this one go....the fact he is still working with her now more than before BURNS me up and I am struggling to let this go....I know I am hurting our recovery efforts but I want him to hurt like I have....but I know he won't because he doesn't care about me the way I care about him.....what do you do? I guess I will have to swallow this crap ONE MORE TIME and pray this is the last time....<BR>Now to respond to some of your questions:<BR>I think that you should insist that he not be friends with her...it is a total disregard to your feelings....how can he go back to being "just friends" when expressions of feelings have been made....can't do it....he needs to give this so called "friendship" up out of respect for you and to show you he wants your marriage to work.....this is what I am struggling with so bad....my H going to work with OW everynight....I can't hardly stand it.......Can anyone offer any advice on how to let go of the anger and hate you feel after being betrayed time and time again.....how many "start over" days do we have to go through....I really thought my H was coming out of the fog two weeks ago but since I reacted so terribly to the discovery of his latest betrayal, he has withdrawn from me again....like he went back in the fog....very distant......any suggestions? I know I need to learn how to keep my mouth shut and quit Love Busting so much....berating him all the time...telling him I hate what he has done to us and our boys....blah, blah,....but I feel I can't stop sometimes....just have to tell him!!! help please!<P>Dianne<P>------------------<BR>always-faith4us

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This except for Plan A-ing, which I stopped doing about 7 months ago, is a story I can relate to.<P>Step one: H tells W for years how much he loves her, how happy she makes him, craves her, "lusts" for her constantly<P>Step two: H tells W he has a "BestFriend" at work. Confidante, first and only best friend he's ever had. W encourages their friendship.<P>Step three: H introduces W to BestFriend, BestFriend's husband, eventually their children are introduced.<P>Step four: W finds a letter written in secret by H to BestFriend. He has really opened his heart to BestFriend and betrayed confidences of W. W confronts H, insists the "friendship" stop. H accuses W of selfishness, refuses.<P>Step five: BestFriend, told by H at work that W is hurt and upset by the letter she snooped to find, calls HER H all "mortified" and says "____ W thinks there's something going on between us."<P>Step six: BestFriend H suggests the 4 of them get together and talk. Suggests stepping up group family activities.<P>Step seven: W thinks maybe she IS being too selfish, doesn't accept offer to get 4 together and talk, but does agree to time together as a group, and as double-dates.<P>Step eight: H suggests to W that "the families" go away for a weekend and visit a couple of tourist places. Somehow the fact that BestFriend's H will not be on the guest list is omitted.<P>Step nine: W follows the happy couple around to the zoo and the other tourist spot, envying their nonstop banter and shop talk. Works hard to be a good sport.<P>Step ten: More get-togethers, W works hard to be a good sport. But feels more like the outsider. H talks all the time to BestFriend, never speaks to W on the way home in the car.<P>Step eleven: BestFriend goes through major family crisis; death in the family. H is extremely supportive. In the middle of "being there" for BestFriend he realizes he's never loved W and wants to leave as soon as S is grown.<P>Step twelve: W refuses to continue get-togethers with BestFriend and her family. H says "If you really loved me, you'd think FIRST of my happiness. If you really loved me, my feelings would be more important than yours. You would be happy for me that I had a FRIEND. Yes, I am in love, but not the way you mean it."<P>Step thirteen: H & W grow so far apart that they can spend entire days without speaking and they never touch and they sleep in separate rooms.<P>Marriage is dead in the water.<P>The end.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

I have to agree with the others. If this 'friendship' is a threat to you and your marriage, then that is more than enough for your H to end it. Period. If he won't, then IMO, that sure shows that he cares more about his friend than he does his marriage, doesn't it? <P>It's harsh, but I'd say give him an ultimatum. You or her. His choice. Plan A during this time, give yourself a time limit (the Harleys' suggest 6 months on average), and go from there.<P>Karen<BR>

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