I am dealing with an EA between H and divorcee who works directly for him....told me she is the best friend he has EVER had....boy, that makes you feel real good inside....anyway, he still works with her and sees her everyday which still drives me crasy....I thought we were on the road to recovery a few weeks ago but I found out as recent as Sept. 14th, he was still calling her on cell phone besides seeing her everynight....well, for the last two weeks, I have Love Busted BIG TIME....I have not been able to accept the last round of lies, lies, lies,.....he tells me that I should have let it go because he had "changed" since Sept. 16th....but something inside me changed and the anger, hate of his latest betrayal just took hold of me and I have had the worst time letting this one go....the fact he is still working with her now more than before BURNS me up and I am struggling to let this go....I know I am hurting our recovery efforts but I want him to hurt like I have....but I know he won't because he doesn't care about me the way I care about him.....what do you do? I guess I will have to swallow this crap ONE MORE TIME and pray this is the last time....<BR>.....this is what I am struggling with so bad....my H going to work with OW everynight....I can't hardly stand it.......Can anyone offer any advice on how to let go of the anger and hate you feel after being betrayed time and time again.....how many "start over" days do we have to go through....I really thought my H was coming out of the fog two weeks ago but since I reacted so terribly to the discovery of his latest betrayal, he has withdrawn from me again....like he went back in the fog....very distant......any suggestions? I know I need to learn how to keep my mouth shut and quit Love Busting so much....berating him all the time...telling him I hate what he has done to us and our boys....blah, blah,....but I feel I can't stop sometimes....just have to tell him!!! help please!<BR>Dianne<P><P>------------------<BR>always-faith4us

My H too worked with OW, and it does bite big time !!!<P>What was H doing for your recovery??? Is he still trying??<P>I think the recovery process has to start with the No-contact thing. It shows a total lack of respect for you and your family! <P>As far as the anger and hatred, you read my response in the other post----Give it up to God!! I truly believe this! No more hatred (doesn't mean that I have forgotten or condone the behavior). I needed the forgiveness for ME! I couldn't go on with all those bad feelings!<P>YOU DID NOT put him back into the fog! He is doing this himself.....My h went through about 4 weeks of being out of the fog, then wham!!! right back in the thick of it!<P>Maybe he is suffering withdrawals? Has he agreed to no contact??<P>Just hang in there, and try not to LB---I know it is hard! but try none-the-less. Vent to us! Yell at us!! Tell us what a sorry *#$%^&! he is......<P>You get my drift----But really---ask God and He will take it away!!<P>Prayers, <BR>Krystal

I know you are right....God is my only source of unwavering strength and that's where I need to go....I will do it for me not him....he has to learn to live with what he has done....I have to let it go (again) for my own sake....it really takes allot of strength to feel this much anger and hate....it really drains me emotionally....I will heed your advice cause I know you are right! I just wish I could see a glimse of the man I saw two weeks ago...my old H...he was really back for a few days........can't wait for him to come around again...and YES, he has to change jobs right away....he is suppose to have put in for a transfer....funny thing though, he hasn't brought home the transfer request like I requested.....I bet he hasn't done it........what do you do if they refuse to move away from OW???? Like Harley has said....when the WS and OP work together somebody has to find a NEW JOB....no exceptions!!!!! Keep praying my H will come back out of the fog and find a new job...I would be willing for him to quit his current job and work someplace else....we would feel the financial impact but at least we would have a family.....money isn't everything....<BR>Dianne<P>------------------<BR>always-faith4us

faith4us yes I knowwhere you are at with the LB. It'so hard at times. I feel as though if I could sew my mouth shut I would be fine. It's sooooo hard sometimes I feel as though I'm going to bite my tongue off. have not mentioned anything in about 2 wks to my H about his so called friend that he works with. I want him to find a new job or I wish she would quit or get fired. I know that won't make everything between us okay but at least it would be a start. Give it up. you are right it is emotionally draining dealing with the anger. I have alot of resentment for what H is doing but he will have to deal with that on his own and I know that sooner or later he will. Hang in there.<BR>C

I see Plan A as NEGOTIATING with WS to have no contact with OW.....but it is to be done in a loving way. You have every right to work toward your WS becoming faithful and trusted but it has to be done in a right way and it seems to be a process. How could you possibly live with WS, OW and your family. That is unnatural. <P>If they can't stop contact, then Plan /b is next. But it is for the purpose of restoring and fog lifting. If you attack and demand and nag it will keep things in limbo longer but confronting in love and identifying your feelings in a meaningful way (with prayer) to get feelings out in the open. WS has to come to grips with what is real and what his/her true feelings are. Boy is that hard to take part in. This is the most painful thing I have ever gone through and I thought I had painful things before. HAH!!<P>TW<P>------------------<BR>Psalm 23

Dear Faith4us,<P>Here you are, something that helped me when I was in that anger mode. Oh yes, it will pass. When and how is the trick. <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html</A> <P>Hope this helps. I have shared it many times. It is the 5 stages of grieving. Helps you understand where you are and what is ahead. It is not a one way direction. You may slip back a little but each time you will learn how to move forward with greater conviction. <P>It is ok to be angry. How you direct that anger is important. Learn about it, learn how to control it and learn how to use it for your good. <P><<<hugs>>><BR>L.<P>

After a 5 year affair with someone at the workplace and struggling with trying a no contact approach and refocus on my marriage, in which I told my wife of the affair, I finally realized that remaining at the workplace with this person is impossible. I changed job locations, wrote the no contact letter and struggle with withdrawl every day for the last 3 months. When your husband returns home and is distant, foggy, cold, he has returned to la-la land probably by contact with her at work. My advisce: Give him a deadline to change job location or Plan B.

I feel for you as my H also worked closely with OW. She had been influencing him for over a year before their EA became PA also.He barely mentioned her much so I didnt realize that she was influencing his thinking so much. His thinking and values became MAJOR screwed up over time to say the least. In our case, single OW took a job transfer to try to FORCE H to divorce me as even she realized it would be hard to see him up close every day if he didnt leave me for her as she demanded. Even after she moved he was heavily in fog( he blamed me for everything during this time and said our marriage was hopeless) and stayed in her empty condo for a month. they talked by phone and her influence was so great still that he filed for divorce on me due to pressure from her. Then he woke up and finally came to his senses. I tell you all this to see that there is NO WAY recovery can work if they see each other easily at work. Mine was difficult even after she moved!!!! He kept trying to stay 'friends' with her and he would also try to break it off with her then he felt guilty for hurting her and would take her back but she would insist he be even meaner to me and more distant. It became a vicious cycle that he needed therapy to finally stop. lifeismessy

I appreciate all of your replys.....<BR>Do you guys think I should share your responses with my H....especially your reply...gastonp? Since you have been where he is now....I just wish he could see the harm he is causing by continuing to work with her...he doesn't want to admit to anyone at work that he has been involved with her in an inappropriate way....hey, they have eyes...I gurantee you that they already know that something is going on between them...he thinks that no one at work has noticed that they were constantly together, breaks, supper, meeting after work, her hanging around after work to talk to him and so on....he thinks this will be a BIG suprise to his bosses and co-workers....I am sure he has looked like a fool running around chasing her.....anyway, he doesn't want to request an immediate move due to being involved with her...doesn't want to deal with the fall out such an admission would cause....he would rather go through the normal channels of requesting a transfer...this could take months.....in the meantime I am to just I guess accept the fact they are together everynight and put up with it....he doesn't care how much this hurts me and I am to just TRUST that he is not having any contact with her that is not necessary other than to direct/assist her with her job....<BR>Gastonp - isn't it just about impossible for him to stay close to her at work and not be pulled back to her???? He tells me - he can handle it....yeah, right....he hasn't handle it so far......am I suppose to just say OK, you can handle it...and wait for the next bomb to fall!!! I have told him he is setting himself up for failure and he won't listen to me.....any suggestions???? anyone please respond! <BR>Thanks<BR>Dianne<P>------------------<BR>always-faith4us

I thought the same thing for three of the five years, my A continued at work. Although I felt nobody at work noticed our close working conditions, I have gotten grapevine word that many thought there was something going on and loved to talk about it. After telling my W about the A, the amount of trust she put in me and still knowing I was at the same job setting was incredible. I abused her trust in me, I couldnt shake the constant stimulation from OW at work, my affair continued. Being male and being constantly around this person, having easy access to talk, and work closely with her, would only increase my hormone level to intoxication. Even being productive at work suffered. I would come home completely fogged and distant. I finally realized I had to do something drastic if I wanted to save may marriage and do what I felt was right. I too thought I could handle the situation at work, distance myself from the OW, concentrate on my marriage, my family. Telling you he has only contact with her when necessary, forget it. He might be trying in his own mind but when the OW emails him, uses the company phone, comes in and closes the door, he goes into overload. If at one time he seems he is trying at home and then on the weekends seems distant and foggy, they told each other good by for the weekend friday before he came home from work. Your only hope is for him to see the need for him to get out of and change to a new job or work setting. It will be a big surprise when he asks for a transfer. Its a big surprise if he is having an A or not. He might be surprised when they grant a transfer sooner than he expected so they dont have to deal with the two together at work either.<BR>

bumped up looking for more input

Just wondering how things are going?? i hope great!!<P>Thinking and praying for you!<P>Krystal

Hi Faith,<BR>I was just reading your post on your H's mood swings.. I will post a reply...<BR>I am still Love busting really bad but maybe today, I hope I have turned the corner...and can stop....I am doing allot of damage to our recovery efforts by berating him all the time...it is so hard to stop this terrible cycle once you start it ... it is like you are someone else...I so badly have wanted him to hurt like I am hurting and I have been lashing out at him awful....this morning when he came home 6:00am (he gets off at 2:15am and they did work 1.3 hours OT) but he stays around way to long after production stops...(my opinion...I think this is when OW would stick around and they just hangout and talk...talk..) anyway, he is still playing fantasy football in the same league with OW and he came home spent 30 minutes on computer in fantasy football stuff...I ask him to read two replies from some WS on MB about lessons they had learned from not separating themselves from OW at work and I said to him, the post is rather long so I will highlight the two I wanted you to read and his response was..."I don't won't to read a whole book!" nasty...agravated...like...well it really pissed me off since I had watched him just spend 30 minutes on what I consider worthless stuff with fantasy football....all I wanted was 2 or 3 minutes to read a quick response and we could talk about it later after he got some sleep....I went nuts, started cussing him and all the bad L Busting stuff...anyway, later today, we again agreed to stop hurting each other...I hate the fact I am in this mess not by my choosing.....I have to take the hurt from what he has done...and then I also have to take the hurt, resentment from him for the way I react!!! This to me is the most unfair part of dealing with this mess....you have to take the hurt and pain they dish out to you but then, if you don't react nice and let it roll off of you...they get mad at you and pull away and you pay the price for their affair TWICE!!! this is what has made me so mad and nuts I guess... your thoughts? I am trying to stop being such a B....ch .... I am really trying because I can see the damage I am causing....this seems so unfair to me but I know in my heart, I have to stop.....regardless.....<BR>Pray that I will learn that this type behavior is not productive and that I have got to stop lashing out H if we are to recover and save our marriage.....<BR>Thanks<BR>Dianne<P>------------------<BR>always-faith4us

dianne-<P>I did that "lb" ing in the beginning---How dare he? How could he do this to me and the kids? I wanted him to pay. But I have since decided to "kill him with kindness". Someone on here said---do you want to be right or do you want to be married? Kinda makes you stop and think--I will pray that for you! Take care---BTW, I posted my email on my thread if you want to talk!<P>Krystal