Not sure if there is a question here or not.... But I am confused as to where to go from here. My W wants her space... I am giving it to her, But I am also trying to make a connection of any sort. <P>I have send her cute cards telling her I love her and miss her. I offer to listen if she wants to talk. And recently I sent her an E-mail finally asking her point blank if she does or doesn't want to open a line of communication. She hasn't responded. I asked her to let me know one way or another.<P>I try and try and get squat.... I am thinking of meeting her at her car after work today to see whats up in person. I'm sure this will piss her off but I need to know if I am spinning my wheels or what.<P>Any suggestions or thoughts on this..... Can a conflict avoider completely avoid everything ???? <P><P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Rutger,<P>I'm afraid that the issue is your "taker". You're trying to meet your wife's needs the way YOU WANT TO MEET THEM. <P>No matter how well-intentioned you are, this is bad for your marriage. <P>Your wife didn't respond to your email, for example. There's your answer---she doesn't want communication. You corner her out at her car---guess what? She's going to be defensive as hell. As you say:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I'm sure this will piss her off but...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You need to follow the "one-sided" Policy of Joint Agreement. That is: NEVER GAIN AT YOUR SPOUSES EXPENSE.<P>In your above example, you're clearly doing this at your wife's expense. What's worse---you're not going to gain anything. You need to slow down and consider some new tactics that will help your situation. (I bet you wish I had a fool-proof one to insert right here, but I don't).<P>If she's asked you for space, give it to her.

Rutger,<P>I wonder sometimes if Harley's Plan B always works the way you want it to with certain people. For me, if I were your wife, you doing Plan B would tell me that you don't want me, and I'd probably move on with my life. Creating my own world without you. Maybe I wrong. I'm not a professional, but did you really make an effort at Plan A???? How long did you do Plan A if you did???<P>Sometimes it takes awhile to breakdown someone who is protecting themselves from pain, even when they've created the problem. I know, I'm like that. My h can bust his [censored] trying to please me, and I just keep wanting to hurt him. Believe me, I don't know why I'm like that. I even want to give in sometimes, but pride prevents me from breaking down.<P>If you do confront her at her car, do it lovingly. Show her you love her. Take flowers, even if she doesn't want them. You had something special, ask her to give you a chance to find that again, or even better, to love each other better.<P>I'm like you, I'd need an answer. No waiting and waiting for six, seven, eight months. No, I'd need an answer.<P>Dragonfly<p>[This message has been edited by Dragonfly (edited September 10, 1999).]

Rutger - Hi. Well, I read your post a bunch - mostly because I feel a lot like you do. Once H told me something was wrong with our marriage, it was only three weeks before he left. He also said he didn't want to be contacted - needed "space" to think. He doesn't call often, came by 4 times in the last month (that's how long he's been gone), but at first didn't contact us for 2 weeks. <P>But I needed CONTACT! I couldn't stand the fact that I couldn't DO anything - didn't have much time for Plan Aing, ya know. I didn't want to pressure him, he really IS dealing w/ a LOT of issues. I wanted to be the place that was safe, non-threatening. So I started writing letters, carefully worded letters. A friend who read one (and MIL) said they sounded like he was away at camp and I was sending news from home!! How lame is that?? Since he doesn't seem to remember anything about our past (before my mom got sick and Papa died), I always include one quick reference to SOMETHING that was pleasant. (Talking about fixing the roof - "remember when you yelled at me for being on the roof" - we were falling in love and he was protective. Talking about selling the house - "do you really think ***** is a good place for daughter and I to live" - we were planning our dream home there and excited about it. Weekends -"think I'll take D fishing" - he and I loved to fish together, races, WHATEVER brings up good memories for me. ) No more than one sentence, nothing direct, just a butterfly kiss to stir his heart. The rest of the letter is informative, funny, entertaining. Nothing mushy or romantic. I work HARD on these things. End them with a simple "Love you". I send them to his mom's house - he won't give us an address. Now, is it helping? Helping me....I don't feel like I'm just sitting and not doing anything AND it's one way to talk to the person who was my best friend. Has he said anything? Nope. BUT, he stops by MIL's or calls every day or so and ASKS if he has any mail! She says he reads each one (about every 3-4 days) 2 or 3 times. Hides them from Sweetie. Keeps them according to MIL. All other mail still comes here, SOOOOOOO - maybe it's getting through. He definitely looks forward to getting them.<P>He did come by for most of last Saturday for the "crisis" and I saw more bits and pieces of the old H than I had seen in a long, long time. He hasn't filed - said he thought he'd wait to "think about things". (When he left, he was filing immediately!) "I've changed my mind, don't close the joint accounts and leave the phone and power in my name." These were things he had wanted me to change RIGHT AWAY. AND, the possibility of thinking about coming back home has come up a couple of times. I know, I know, I'm not gonna get excited. In fact, this week I'm really discouraged and down - don't know why, but I'm gonna keep it up. Like Papa always said "Do SOMETHING, even if it's wrong!" <P>So, if you need contact for you and you don't think the idea's TOO stupid, maybe you'll want to try it. It keeps my H connected without pressure - still gives him the "space".<P>Anyway, that's about it. Good luck. And hang in there.<P>Lori<P>

Rutger...<P>Just another view... I had my H come back home a dozen or more times during Plan A, saying that he wanted to make a go of our marriage and I bit hook line and sinker... I dont know now what to do with a betrayer, If he would have wanted to stay away and then one day came back with this proposition and it was final I would have been thrilled... Now in plan B he wants to have contact and all I want is for H to stay away untill he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he will do whats necessary to make "a go" work. H just leaves all the problems "as is" and wants to come around and cuddle with me too..<P>Would you want to put up with that??? Just another hurt..... Something to think on..<P>cozy

K,<BR>You jarred something loose.... Your right I am being the taker. I must do nothing but give. She deserves nothing less after her being the giver for so long.<P>Dragonfly,<BR>Your right also, I need to make a better Plan A attack. I feel like I am listening to much to the people around me and not to my heart. My friends tell me to give her space but I just want to show her I love her. I am learning how to do that without being demanding... It is hard but I am making progress with myself as a person.<P>lostva,<BR>I think I will step up the showing love stuff. Flowers, post cards, E-Mail cards. Love notes. I will try to be non-threatening and non-smothering .. I guess there is a fine line and I need to find it. I am like you, I can't quit being a H to my W. I need the contact and if it is in the form of me doing all the contact for awhile.... so be it.<P>Used2cozy,<BR>I'm getting used to being hurt, Not that I like it but I almost expect it. I am being careful not to open myself up to more devastation.<P>To all I thank you for your replies.... Now as for today I did not go to her car as I had planned. I simply called her on the phone during her lunch break and had a meaningless conversation about what is going on. I asked how she was and told her that I was doing fine and that I missed her. We talked about our dogs and she said she missed them... but nothing about me ( that hurt but I expected it ) So it was a normal conversation with no specific pressure about us. Total time on the phone less than 7 minutes....... It's a start and I will now try to do that Once a week and hopefully step it up from there. We will see....<P><P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

.......Glad your contact was positive!!!!<P><BR>maybe the title here should be:<P>"'Sometimes, according to my tolerance and mood' Love stinks" <P>It applies to me anyway! <BR>lol<P>cozy