I've been reading posts here for only a short time so I HOPE this has not been addressed here yet. Here's my situation. MY wife and I have been married 14 years. When we were dating I had asked her about a certain friend of hers, a guy 17 years her senior that she'd been quite "close" to.... They'd spent HUGE amounts of time together over the course of a few years. I asked her then if there'd ever been anything between them. She emphatically stated NO. Well one day around year 2 of our marriage I stumbled upon a letter (from him) that esatablished that they HAD indeed been lovers. Needless to say I was hurt. To know that she's lied to me. When I confronted her about she said that he had advised her "Don't tell Ken.. He won't approve of our ON-GOING relationship". Well I told her then, If he EVER calls you I want you to tell me... I won't ask for details. I just want to know if there's contact". <BR>Over the course of time there's been 3 occasions that he's called her and she not tell me. For an unrelated reason, I installed a "keystroke recorder". Well I watched over a few weeks as she searched on net looking for him. When contacted she tell him, "I love you, you know I always will... that'll never change." OUCH !!!!<BR>So I confront her about this and she tells me, "I was just trying to find closure"... yea RIGHT.<P>Would the scenario above equate to and emotional affair? <BR>Can such words that she used be fitted into finding "Closure"?<P>Any suggestions, thoughts, opinions ?<BR>

Sorry, yes it is an EA at the least...and no, contacting him is NOT going to give closure.<P>You are new here, but I see you've been looking around...do you have all the info on Plan A, Plan B, Love Busting, Emotional Needs and the Love Bank? You really need to read a lot here to get you familiar with the philosophies involved, and they are good strategies to follow, because in the end if it doesn't work out, it has improved YOU, anyway for the future.<P>So now, first of all make sure you have read all that stuff, and then try to follow the principles in how you deal with this. For example it is probably a love buster for your wife if you go up to her and yell "This has got to stop." You have to be very careful in knowing what you want to do and how to handle it...ask away here and you will get advice.<P>There are a lot of people here who are kind, wise and compassionate, and will help you and support you int this distressing time. Keep posting, and you will receive support.<P>Nina.

Thanks for the reply Nina-<P>We've gone to one counselling session and he suggested that we get "His needs, Her needs" and read aloud to each other each nite. I've been reluctant to go and get the book because in the past I've gotten 3 different marital self-help books none of which have been read. (Venus & Mars wasn't even picked-up) I'm sort of feeling that SHE needs to take the initiative and go get it... or at least ask ME to. I even went so far as to mention these facts to her on Saturday and she STILL hasn't done (or said) anything about it. Which seems the way it's been with us - She's a great housekeeper, cook, mother, and has a strong work ethic. But when it comes to (A) honesty about HIM and (B) caring for our relationship, she really falls far short.<P>Sometimes I really have to question her resolve in keeping our relationship afloat. <BR>