STL/Z,<P> It has been awhile since I have posted on the forum. I have been kind of closing up alittle bit lately. My WS didn't have to go to court last month. She agreed for me to keep the kids. I don't know what will happen to my stepdaughter. I think that my WS would be happy with her staying with her parents and her and the OM live happliy ever after on their own. <P>I on the other hand have gone from being ready to take on life again to completly wanting to give up on everything. The attacks that happened on the 11th of September really brought me down. Everyone spouse called up here to see if they were ok and if they were watching the news. I got calls from all of my family members and from the friend that got my WS and I together. I really felt like all of the oaths that I have taken in my life have been broken. My wedding vows and the oath that I took to protect this nation of ours. I know that I souldn't feel this way, but I feel like everything that has happened since Jan is my fault. I went to this friend and told her that I was ready to give up on everything and that I was going to reelist in the Marine Corps. I was reay to give the kids back to my WS and request overseas assignment and never come back. I felt like the kids had their new dad. I felt like they didn't need me anymore. I was just getting in the way. That if I left then everone would be happier. That week in Sept is hard for me. The attacks that happened on the 11th, my daughter's illness three years ago, my grandfather's death, and that friday the 14th was my seventh wedding ann. I put my WS's wedding rings in the case that one of my Navy and Marine Corps Achievement Medals came in with the uniform embelms that I wore the last time that I danced with my WS. I gave this to this friend to hold so when the kids are old enough that they could see them. This friend tells me that she will talk to me and that she is my friend. Here husband is the jelious type. He thought that I might try to go after his wife. I really laughed at this. We are only friends and that I could never be anything else with her. I feel like I am the bad guy in all of this mess. I feel like I am getting what I deserve. I asked this friend some questions about my WS being faithful to me. She answered them for me. I really hurt after this conversation. I then talked to my WS the next day and she said that she never cheated on me. Even the night that she didn't come home until 11:45 in the morning from work. That she didn't sleep with anyone else while we were married. As far as my WS thinks it our marriage was over the day that she walked out the door. I find it hard to believe that she didn't cheat on me. Here is what I have seen after looking back at everything. Here is how I see it.<P>Nov&Dec: My WS starts talking about the OM all of the time and stops talking about the other friends that she had at work. I start to get 5 or 6 unknown callers a day even on saturday. Everytime that they call is during the day when I am suppose to be at work. The unknown caller never left a message.<P>Jan: The phone calls continued. My WS started to withdraw from me. She gets a present from the OM and she shows it off to her mother in my living room right in front of me. I give her my present and hardly get any response. Then the problems really start and she asked me to leave the apt. I did and went to my parents house to talk. After this talk I return to my apt. I tell her that I don't want to leave, because I love her and the kids to much. The next day she comes to see me at work and tells me that she is going to take the kids over to her parents house for awhile. The unknown callers stopped that day, and the only time that I got them was when the kids and her would come over while I was at work to have lunch or to just get out of her parents house. Five days later she tells me that she wants a divorce and that it is the money and not feelings that have kept her from filing aready. I try to convence her that I loved her and that we could fix this.<BR>Feb: I am still trying to work on the marriage and my greatgrandmother died. The day that we buried her I got the filling papers for the divorce.<P>The rest you guy know. I am sorry, but you don't leave your husband and in four months give up your kids and move in with the OM and try and say that you didn't cheat. I think that she wanted to be with him and didn't want that on her conscious. Do you guys think that I am stupid or what??<P>Indy

hey Indy - maybe it's just me but it seems there might be trouble on the forum tonight...weird posts that I posted days ago are here at the forefront. Just wanted you to know that we are here and you aren't crazy. Sorry. Please try to plan a if you want your marriage. You can do it. Improve yourself and you know, it doesn't really matter what she does, you can't control her actions. You can only control you. Make her see what she is missing. You can do this Indy! Hugs!<P>Deb<BR>

Hi Indy, <P>It has been a while. Sorry to hear of all your pain. You do know though that you are a valuable person. One that loves your family and your family loves you. <P>I understand and can relate to the despair. All those bad events happening around you is more than most can bear. But through it all, looking back, look at what you have survived through. Stay with us, we will keep each other encouraged. There is a saying about good friends there to help the other when one is down. <P>There are many shoulders for you to lean on. I am kinda short so you may have to stoop down a bit. Ok?!? <P>Rick37 and WAT are going through hard times also. There is another poster H2Y (husband2You), he really could tell a tale. Anyway, your W still sounds like she is way out there. Maybe one day. In the meantime, you stick with us, we will help you rebuild your self confidence. <P>How are your children? <P>L. <BR>

Indy,<P>I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. It is understandable that all of this would cause you to feel so badly. I am concerned for you as you sound very depressed. Have you been going to counseling? Have you considered taking antidepressants? They could do a lot to help you out of the terrible funk that is consuming you. Your family doc can do an assessment and prescribe if needed. Generally if a person has been seriously depressed for 2 weeks or longer, it is indicative of a clinical depression. Anyone going through what you have been going though would be highly likely to be thrown into a clinical depression.<P>It know that it is hard but please keep yourself together for your children. You are their father and they need you, not some OM. Believe me if you walked out on them it would cause irreversible damage to them. Their mother has already done this, even if you gave her the kids, they would always know what she is capable of walking out on them. Then if you did the same, the lesson would be that one is reliable. So do everything to work on you and get yourself whole again. Do this if for no other reason right now then to be the rock, the foundation, your children need. Sometimes, in this life it is the responsibility we have to others that pulls us through. Us it as a tool. You and I both know that if you were to go off and leave your children for someone else to raise, you will never forgive yourself.<P>What kind of support system do you have in place? Who can you call when you need support? Who can help you by taking the kids when you need a break? Who can you call to do things with - right now preferably a male friend or family members? Then there is your counselor and your family physician. Put together that list, then talk to each of them telling them what you need from them. I am sure people will be more then glad to help you through this. They just need to know what to do, what you need.<P>And of course you have all of us here at MB. You know that there are people here when you need them. Use us as your backup.<P>I am sure that STL will be long some time today to talk to you. He's in a tele-conference all day so he's kinds sequestered away in his office. But he should emerge this evening.<P>I hope this makes some sense to you. Hope it helps.<P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare