I am reading "Surviving Infidelity" by Rona Subotnik & Gloria Harris, my counselor recommended it.<P>Although I haven't hit the anniversary of D-day yet, I am working on my own triggers (such as my H's birthday this weekend - it triggers him being with OW on my birthday and how horrible he treated me).<P>I think it is very normal for this to happen. I fully expect it to happen to me.<P><BR>Here's some suggestions from the book (it's long but I hope it helps):<P>Catching your negative thoughts. By writing them down and examining them, you can begin to determine how realistic they are. Keeping a record will help you become more aware of the thoughts or images that precede your unpleasant feelings (D-day). Substituting more realistic thoughts can make you feel better.<P>1. Situation. First write a brief description of the actual event that led to your feeling upset. Describe what you were doing or thinking about when you started to feel sad or angry. When you identify the upsetting event, try to be specific. For example, you might write, "One year ago today, my H told me he was having an affair."<P>2. Feelings. Write down the emotions you experienced. Use words like sad, guilty, hurt, anxious, etc. Next rate how upset you were on a scale from 0 to 100. Zero represents feeling calm and at peace. A score of 100 represents feeling terrible, the worst feelings you have felt. You might want to write down several feelings, because you are likely to have more than one.<P>3. Negative Thoughts. What was going through your mind immediately before you started to feel bad? Tune in to your "self-talk." Ask, "What am I saying to myself?" Write down the thoughts that you associate with feeling upset. For example, Perhaps you were looking at the calendar and realized what the date was, you might have told yourself, "I wonder if he is cheating on me again. Ever since he lied to me, I haven't been able to trust him. He's probably lying to me and I bet he will tell me he's having another affair today." You may recognize the thinking distortions of overgeneralization and mind reading in this example.<P>Take the example of a husband who calls to tell his wife he will be late for supper. We realize that a wife might be suspicious when her husband who has been unfaithful calls to say he will be late. It is however, her interpretation rather than the actual event itself that determines her feelings. Depending on the meaning she assigns to the situation, the wife might experience many different emotions. For example, another wife, might be relieved that her husband called to assure her of his whereabouts. She could interpret the same information differently by saying to herself, "Now I will have more time to myself this evening." (i.e. it's all in the way you look at it).<P>4. Realistic Thoughts. How can you answer the negative thoughts realistically? After you have written them down, try to identify the distortions in them. Examine the evidence. Try to find alternative explanations. Is there anything you can do to check out the accuracy of your thoughts? (for example, think back over the past year and try to remember how differently your H is acting as opposed to when he was in the affair. Does he act like he is keeping secrets from you again? What has your H does to ensure he is not cheating on you? Are you just focusing on the D-day anniversary and that is why you are so upset?<P>5. Outcome. How do you feel now that you have identified your negative thoughts and replaced them with more realistic "counter thoughts"? After you've developed the new thoughts, again rate how you feel. The purpose of rerating your feelings with numbers is to break the habit of thinking about emotions in an all-or-nothing manner. Successfully challenging your negative thoughts can help you feel better.<P><BR>Example of a Thought Record<P>SITUATION: What were you doing or thinking about when you started to be upset?<BR>RESPONSE: I was talking to my H on the phone and I looked over and saw the date on the calendar<P>FEELINGS: What emotions did you feel? Rate them on a scale from 0 to 100.<BR>RESPONSE: Sad (80) and angry (60).<P>NEGATIVE THOUGHTS: What was going through your mind immediately before you felt upset?<BR>RESPONSE: Ever since my husband lied to me I haven't trusted him. Our D-day anniversary is today and all the horrible feelings of that day just came rushing back to me. I don't want to find out he is cheating on me again.<P>REALISTIC THOUGHTS: Write a realistic and constructive response to your negative thoughts.<BR>RESPONSE: My husband hasn't actually DONE anything to provoke my thoughts. It is all in my head and memories. My husband has done alot for me since D-day and he is not exhibiting the behavior I would expect if he was cheating on me again. My husband seemed sincere when I ask him questions about where he will be. He has done XYZ to prove ABC to me...<P>OUTCOME: How do you feel now that you have answered your negative thoughts:<BR>RESPONSE: I feel sad (40) and angry (20).
