To all: Help!<P>Terrified: I hope you are doing ok. I read your thread about telling your sister-in-law, but I decided to start a new thread cause that one was sort of long already.<P>Lexxy: Thanks for letting me see a good (maybe) side of WS not wanting anyone to know. <P>Anyone: I told one friend, and when I told WS I had (WS was gone on long business trip with no contact with me, and I was desperate) WS said, "So you can kiss me goodbye." And from other things said, I feel that WS stays (on foggy days) only because of knowing what public opinion / family opinion would be of such behavior. But for now, WS staying means that I can plan A more effectively. WS told me that I had "put our future in friend's hands." WS calmed down later and told me to tell friend that "we are making progress." and that I didn't want to share more at this time. (So I did.) Do you think WS said this because it would be the most effective to ensure friend wouldn't share with others? Or because WS really thinks we are making progress? (I had done a great plan A for about a month, and WS was starting to meet my EN as well, but could not agree to no contact with OP.)<P>It was really a huge step backward in our relationship, WS stopped many of the improved behaviors since dday and rejected some of my attempts to meet WS EN's for the first time since DDay. So for anyone reading this, i really REGRET telling. Think HARD before doing it! We were doing so well... and now I'm on the rack again, about par for the course I guess, after lurking.<P>BUT: What if, this ends up in divorce? Then I tell my mom? Who will then be angry that I waited so long to tell her? <P>Also, I read yesterday a book that said that you should tell WS parents (if Xtian) because they would be the most effective prayer warriors. What about this view?<P>Here I had been thinking that if it got to the point where WS moves out, I would be released from secrecy. (Though I don't want "Poor you" or "You should have expected this from the way you treated WS." or "What a jerk, quick get a divorce" so I would be VERY careful who I tell anyway.) But from Terrified's thread, it seems the secrecy goes on? Except that my kids will tell people if this happens.<P>Terrified: I think you need to sit down with H and say: "If your parents (friends, etc.) call for you, I will have to answer the phone. Let's work out what I should say." He will have to realize that such a situation is likely, and have to think about it. Of course, you have to agree on whatever. (a mini-POJA!)

"Of course, you have to agree on whatever."<P>No, Terrified doesn't have to agree to "whatever". Once the WH has LEFT it's Terrified's house/home and she can answer the phone any way she D*** well pleases and she can explain to anyone who's calling for WH that he no longer lives there. "<gasp> - WHY?" they make ask....<BR>"Why? because he wants to have a girlfriend and he no longer wants the responsibility of a family" (Because isn't THAT WHAT HE'S SAYING)<BR>Why in the world would someone feel they have to cover up/lie for someone who is essentially saying "Seeya"? I don't get it. <BR>I think it was the very thought that I WAS GOING TO BLOW THE WHISTLE that made the fog lift for just a half-second on my H and ALL OF A SUDDEN he wasn't moving out. Gee, ya think? <BR>ooooooh....you don't want your parents, siblings and friends to see you as the GIGANTIC loser you are now pretending to be? Then I suppose you are going to have to STOP BEING A LOSER! Duh!!!!!<P>LLL

I have to ask everyone - Is my H the only WS who never even asked me who I told and what I told them? To this day he has no clue who knew what. Everyone (family & friends) knew we were separated, but I only told a select few about the A. He never even told his coworkers we were separated.

Hi Bgentle, Sorry I wasn't able to respond to your thread any sooner. I arrived home later than usual from work. <P>Just to let you know, my H responded in the same way as your when he found out I told a close friend. He sometimes blames the fact of me telling her preventing recovery??? After my experience since d-day almost six months ago, I can honestly say that fear of public disapproval is what drove my H to stay and what drives him not to tell anyone now that he has an apt of his own. <P>I'm sure your mom won't be angry for you not telling her earlier. In the end, you're trying to protect those that you love from a tragic situation. You believe and hope for the recovery of your marriage. If that is to happen, why tell anyone anything? The only reason is because until recovery actually starts, we, as BS's, NEED support and love, both of which we are not getting from our WS's.<P>If I were to advise anyone in a similar situation, I would recommend you tell as FEW people as possible and definitely try to keep it from close family for as long as possible. There are too many emotions tied to you as a couple and there are far too many opinions, all of which can become extremely overwhelming. <P>Good luck.<BR>

Thanks, T<BR>and here's a hug (((T)))<P>Sometimes I feel I could go on like this forever, it is amazing what one can get used to. But am I ENABLING? (I don't know how much contact there is, it can't be much!) But WS is NOT ready to agree to no contact. The only thing is, with so little contact, will the A "burn itself out" or will it just last longer this way?

Loveslabourslost, I think you misunderstood me and I guess I wasn't very clear.<P>I said:<BR>"Terrified: I think you need to sit down with H and say: "If your parents (friends, etc.) call for you, I will have to answer the phone. Let's work out what I should say." He will have to realize that such a situation is likely, and have to think about it. Of course, you have to agree on whatever. (a mini-POJA!)"<P>LLL said:<BR>"No, Terrified doesn't have to agree to "whatever". "<P>I meant:<BR>Tell H that you have to say something when the phone is for him. Have him come up with something. Then T has the right to accept that as something she will / will not say. I meant that T has the choice to agree or not to what H proposes, that she doesn't have to take his first proposal.<P>You are quite right, T can say whatever she wants. But if her goal is recovery, she has a better chance if she presents this as a problem that she is asking for his input to solve. For example, she could say: "When I answer the phone for you, I am not planning to lie. What are you comfortable with me saying?" Then H sees that she is both A) asking for his input and wanting to do something acceptable to him and B) insisting on her own principles and being a strong person who makes decisions for herself. Hopefully he gives a suggestion she can accept, but if not she proposes something she can live with and they agree.