I was just wondering if after you have rebuilt your marriage and trust, worked on what emotional needs were not met at the time and why he cheated in the first place will he cheat again? Is the phrase once a cheater always a cheater true? Can anyone who has gone through infidelity once tell me if it has happened again?<BR>

There are no guarantees that someone will never cheat again. Working out probabilities won't help. You can just work on the realtionship and hope for the best. Even if you marry someone new who has never had an affair, there are still no guarantees.

hey minniej, <BR>I think the more important question is this: once you've been cheated on, and make the very brave and hugely painful decision to forgive and move on....do you make a stand for yourself. <BR>I have. I have forgiven my H. We are working like crazy on our relationship. I believe him when he says the A is over - because he's behaving differently AND because I have decided it's my perogative to check up on his whereabouts every once in a while....and so far the reports have been what I've expected (good). I would like to spend the rest of my life with this man. In an odd sense the affair made me realize JUST how much I love him.<BR>HOWEVER, I will not be one of those woman who hides her head in shame every couple of years because 'she can't keep her husband at home' - I've made it VERY CLEAR to myself and him - if he cheats again and I find out (with this OP or another) I'm gone, and I'm going to extract a pound of flesh when I leave. This is my only life. I will not look back in 50 or 60 years on a life of ongoing pain, humiliation, and betrayal.<P>The thing is I've made this decision out of love for both my husband, myself and our child. And I've communicated it in a way that suggests it's not what I hope for. <P>You cannot decide if your H is now a 'cheater'.<BR>You can decide you deserve better than that.<P>LLL<BR>

minnyj,<P>I can definitely make the statement that once a cheater always a cheater is NOT TRUE. But, like Rodger said there is probably no way to guarantee that ANYONE won't cheat.<P>Having cheated once both of you can figure out the how/why of it and make sure those conditions are not repeated. One of the things that I would GUESS is that if the conditions that led to the first A are repeated then the likelihood of a second A has got to be pretty high.<P>It's more than just meeting ENs. <P>There are probably two main aspects to an A: 1) the sorry state of the marriage and 2) Opportunity or bad judgement involved in allowing situations to develop which led to the A.<P>Both of you must work on making the marriage itself strong. Both of you MUST PROTECT yourselves from dangerous situations and opportunities. You cannot protect your H, he must protect himself. The same can be said for you. <P>Actually, there is a way to guarantee an affair will not happen. Have absolutely no contact with people of the opposite sex, period!!!!! Obviously that's not possible. You can, however, limit your contact to "safe" situations. No one-on-one, business only, spouse present, (no internet chat!), etc.<P>Ultimatums and threats are no substitute for care and protection. (Yes, LLL, I've read your previous posts and I know that you have done the REAL work involved in fixing your marriage, this is not a dig at you) The Harley's have discussed in great detail that you have very little power to "make" your spouse do anything. Threats <I>can</I> fixate them on the control aspects and the power struggle rather than working on fixing the marriage.<P>My W is a "cheat and you're gone" person. She's supported others who've gone that route. That didn't prevent her from having an internet EA. Maybe I get to have one of those too, and it won't really count?<P>I notice from your profile that you've been here awhile but have had only a few posts. You've probably been reading the site, but I don't know if you've been welcomed yet. If you haven't already done so, you should check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for New Builders</A> for lots of good marriage info. In the articles on the main web site you will find a more complete discussion about some of the issues that you've brought up-- from Dr. Harley himself.<P>Welcome to the site, I hope it helps your marriage.<P>Take Care,<P>Jeffers<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by minnyj:<BR><B>I was just wondering if after you have rebuilt your marriage and trust, worked on what emotional needs were not met at the time and why he cheated in the first place will he cheat again? Is the phrase once a cheater always a cheater true? Can anyone who has gone through infidelity once tell me if it has happened again?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Unfortunately there are no guarantees. I do not believe in once a cheater, but twice a cheater, I'd be outta there personally. I saw a book at the bookstore (Infidelity for Dummies or something like that) that had a little quiz to tell you the likelihood that your WS would cheat again. Some of the signs I remember that it was possibly more likely to happen again were:<BR>1. This is not your WS first marriage.<BR>2. This is not your WS first affair<BR>3. WS has cheated on another partner in the past<BR>4. There have been known affairs in WS family<BR>5. Affairs are tolerated in WS family<BR> I wish I could remember the rest. I do remember that my H had none of the risk factors which made me happy. I'll never trust him (or any other man) blindly again, but I really dont' think we cheat. We are closer now than ever before and the OW made his life a total living hell. Great aversion therapy lol.

Hi Minnij,<P>My H is what they call a "serial cheater". He cheated 10 years ago and then again 2 years ago. We are now D.<P>You need to know that during his first A I was not aware of the MB principals (Love Banks, ENs, POJA and Radical Honesty), altho I was Plan Aing back then and didn't know it.<P>I firmly believe in the MB principals and I lean toward feeling if we (H and I) had had them back then it's likely we wouldn't be D now. Our situtation was quite severe tho, as my H fathered 2 OCs during our first seperation with 2 OW, and my H is a professional musician (Yikes .. I'm sure to get slammed now by fellow musicians - sorry folks)<P>As far as what Fairydust offered as possible signs of a repeat cheater, I concur with it. Here's how my H measures up.<P>1. This is not your WS first marriage.<BR>1. False. For both of us it was our first M.<P>2. This is not your WS first affair<BR>2. True. <P>3. WS has cheated on another partner in the past<BR>3. True. From what I've heard, he has cheated on several. As a musician he had steady GF's but was on the road ALOT and succumb to temptation.<P>4. There have been known affairs in WS family<BR>4. True. Two of H's sisters and his father were WS.<P>5. Affairs are tolerated in WS family<BR>5. True - see #4.<P>Just like most have stated here, there are no guarantees. And I do believe that once someone has cheated, it is easier to do the next time. Just do your best to affair proof your marriage with the MB Principals.<P>Best of luck to you, Minni.<P>Love,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited October 03, 2001).]