Okay, the deal is that it's a family wedding on H's side. He said last night, "You should come or else they'll start thinking something is wrong." I said, "We can say that I'm out a babysitter at the last minute and leave it at that." He says, "Why?" I say, "I don't want to accompany you a wedding unless you really want me by your side and not just to cover up." <P>Is this an LB or not? To go or not to go? Wouldn't it be better for him to test the waters without me so that he can feel my absence?

I went to a fancy wedding just 3 days past d-day. It was awful to say the least! It was for my H"s bosses second marriage and they had a very traditional Catholic ceremony - all the love quotes from the Bible in there. I kept hoping those might affect my H but no dice. He wouldnt even let me put my hand on his leg during it let alone dance with me at the reception. I really dont think I could have done it without the effexor med I take. He was so emotionally detached from me at the time and I felt desperate for him to show me some sort of affection. Made for a bad time for me! In retrospect I wish I had stayed home and made H explain to his bosses why I wasnt there. It certainly didnt help our relationship any to go as I had hoped. lifeismessy

Well...lol....something IS wrong.<BR>I wouldn't go, unless you want to.

Dear LIM, Yes, I fear once again feeling rejected. My only concern is that he resents that I'm not coming. So, if I don't go, is it an LB?

Hi Lex, I do WANT to but isn't it better that I DON't go? What is your opinion? Currently WS is living out of two homes. He sleeps at one (only two nights now but who's counting) and "lives" here. So, tell me, as a WS, what would you, in your heart (because normally these feelings aren't shared with the BS), want the BS to do?<P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Terrified:<BR><B> Currently WS is living out of two homes. He sleeps at one (only two nights now but who's counting) and "lives" here. So, tell me, as a WS, what would you, in your heart (because normally these feelings aren't shared with the BS), want the BS to do?<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'd say go if you want to! More opportunity to fill the love bank. The whole family knew wew were separated (but not about the A). When we had the first false recovery I told everyone he moved back home. Then he moved out again. I didn't want to disappoint everyone so only 2 family members knew he left again. I had forgotten until now that most of the family thinks we were only separated for 2 months when in reality it was 5! So while we were separated we spent Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years together and with family (most of whom didn't know he wasn't living with me at the time). More quality time for us as a couple and a great opportunity to make OW LB about it (which is exactly what she did).<P>

If he wants you to go, and you want to go, you should go.<P>Fairy's right -- good Lbank opportunity.<BR>Keep on Plan A'ing.<P>

Lex, The only reason he's saying that I should go is to prevent anyone from suspecting or else, he wouldn't want me there. So tell me why should I go?<P>FD, How did your H make you feel during all of these events that you still participated in? Was it similar to the rejection you felt at the wedding? Did he want you to participate? If so, why did he want you there?

Terrified,<BR>What did your H say when you said you only wanted to go if he wanted you by his side? <P>I think that could be a minus in his love bank, by you not going. I am the WS and I know what it's like to not want to have a bad reputation. I didn't want my H to tell his family but he had to(long story). We did go to a wedding of one of his co-workers. He was bummed because he kept thinking of the A. We tried to have fun though. <P>Good Luck.Sherry

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Terrified:<BR><B><BR>FD, How did your H make you feel during all of these events that you still participated in? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanksgiving was right in the middle of false recovery number one (he moved out again the next week). So he was acting weird. No one really noticed by me, my SIL and BIL (who knew the whole situation). I think he was there out of guilt that time, and to save face with the family. But even though it was uncomfortable it was STILL an opportunity to add to the love bank and STILL a holiday that he wasn't spending with the OW. So while I wouldn't say it was fun, it was still a good chance to be together. Christmas was fine, he bought me some really nice gifts (later found receipts and he bought OW cheap crap) we spent the day with family. Towards the end of the evening he started to get tense. I think it was because he knew OW was going to be waiting for him with a fight brewing. Sure enough, he showed up with trashbag of clothes in hand the next day (she argued with him, he got ticked off and left). He was here afew days, then left again. Came back New Years which was when I told him not to come back until he had made up his mind. I think the holidays were very stressful for him. He chose to be with me and the OW got really mad and kept yelling at him. Conflict avoiders nightmare. Which worked to my advantage! I woudl say go (if you want to), forget about his motivations for having you there and use it as an opportunity to look your best and show him what a wonderful woman you are.

Woah, wait a minute. <P>Terrified, as much as its gonna hurt for me to say this to you...there isn't one thing that you can do right now that is going to make your H come home and stop his affair.<P>Appeasing him by caving to his direspectful demands will NOT change his mind or encourage him to come home.<P>Plan A is about becoming the best YOU that you can be, and its about taking care of yourself, not in a selfish sense, but in a self-respecting sense.<P>Plan A is meant to be an encouragement to the WS that he can come home, can repair his/her marriage, AFTER the death of the affair. Until it ends naturally, or the spouse makes a decision to end it - there's nothing you can do except demonstrate your own willingness to change. AFTER the affair, if your spouse considers coming home, then he'll be encouraged to do so. But Plan A is not about winning them back from the OW - it doesn't happen that way.<P>Yes, if you can make love deposits during plan A, its a good thing. Yes, you have to avoid LBs. It doesn't mean that you behave like a doormat. It also doesn't mean that you make decisions based on what you want the outcome to be: what your H to do, or how he will respond or whatever. <P>You can't control it.<P>So the question is, what do you need to do in this situation for YOU?<P>If what you say is true, that your H is only asking for your presence because he wants to continue decieving his family....well then your attendance isn't exactly a love deposit.<P>I didn't read anywhere in the Harley stuff that assisting a spouse in lies is a legitimate emotional need that we need to fill for them.<P>If you want to go, because you are a family member, and you would enjoy yourself...then by all means, GO.<P>But if it is going to be painful, awkward and embarrassing...then don't.<P>IMHO - and thats all it is, my opinion, you should tell your H that you will go or not, which ever makes you feel better, and then tell him that you will no longer assist in the lies. If you go, and someone asks or the subject is brought up, you will tell the truth. If you don't go, you won't assist in covering up the real reason for your absence.<P>It doesn't mean you have to get on the phone and start tattling, but it just means that you don't cooperate with his deception. If asked, tell the truth - as much of it that you feel is necessary.<P>What your H is doing to you, by asking you to carry on an elaborate deception to cover his betrayal of you and his children is profoundly disrespectful.<P>Do you respect a doormat? Are you attracted to doormats?<P>Why would your H feel any differently?<P>Appeasement of his selfish demands and disrespect is not going to earn you any points in trying to save your marriage here.<P>BTW, Terrified...I told you on the other thread that I told my H's family and I involved them quite a bit.<P>My H, during his affair, was furious. He told me that I had sealed the fate on our marriage, that I had stolen his family from him....the whole familiar tune.<P>We are 3 months into recovery now. Alot of it has to do with the fact that his family behaved with love towards him, while still rejecting his actions. <P>So its not necessarily the end of the story if his family finds out. Obviously, from his fear of being exposed, it sounds to me like they'd be pretty supportive of you.<P>Good luck, I hope you come up with the answer that works for you.<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

This is a decision only you can make. Imagine what it will be like. Will it renew love or will it be a cover up? I think you handled it very well. I think you were honest without lovebusting. <P>This is just my opinion but could be worth nothing - if you think he is using it as a cover up tell him to decide what to say to the guests as to why your not there. By providing excuses "I'm babysitting" you are enabling the behavior. It was his choice to move right?! Let him face the consequences of the choices he made. <P>If you can put it all behind you and go it would be an excellent opportunity to Plan A. Look your best - positive attitude, chin up... if you go...no LB. if you can't not LB then don't go. <BR>