Thanks guys for the posts.<BR>I used to think that one of the problems between my H and I is that he is much older than me (he's 47, and i'm 29). We really aren't into the same things. We only knew each other 4 months before we got married. But that was six years ago. It's like our age differences didn't catch up to us until recently.<BR>I would like to do things other than bowling, and dining out. I mean, it's fun, but my arms are always sore, and i've gained 20 pounds. I want to try other things. Go different places, and do things together. He doesn't want to go on road trips. During the summer, i'd like to have a real vacation, but he's happy sitting around the house for three weeks instead. On days that we were home from work together, after our son goes to school, i'd like to get out and do things until it's time to pick him up, but H would rather sleep all day until like two in the afternoon. So I changed my days off, so that I wouldn't have to be home with him knowing that he won't want to do anything.<P>With the OM, it seemed easy because he and I are the same age, and like to do the same things. We both have the same adventurous spirit, and that "willing to try anything twice" philosophy. The OM and I actually grew up together. We were once married to each other. I have known the OM 20 of my 29 years. We have always professed to be each others soul mate.<BR>OM has been my life long best friend.<BR>I told H that I would cut ties with the OM, but it has been terribly hard. Part of me feels that I resent H for making me give up my best friend, though I totally understand his side of it. If the situation was reversed, and my H cheated on me with his female best friend, I wouldn't give a damn how long they had known each other, she would have to go. So I know what he's feeling. But even with that, I keep saying to myself "a 20 year friendship, gone. My soulmate, gone." I know I brought it on myself, and I don't blame anyone else.<P>Do I still desire the OM?<BR>I just miss my friend. Yes, he's my ex-H, but he was always a friend first. <P>Long before the A began, I tried to confide in my H and make him my best friend and soul mate so I wouldn't miss OM/ex-H so much. I tried to tell him everything. But the television had his attention more than I ever did. It's like H wasn't interested in being my best friend. At that time ex-H was not a factor. He was nowhere around me for the first 4 years of my marriage to my H. So, after 4 years of being lonely, tired of trying to tak to my husband, when I needed someone to talk to and share things with, and H wasn't listening, I literally tracked ex-H/OM down and almost instinctively called him to share with. And that is how it began.<P>Why di ex-H and I divorce?<BR>We were 18 when we got married and divorced by 20 because we had no real idea what marriage was and we were not prepared. So we divorced so that I could go to college and he could disappear into the military. But we always kept in touch.<P>I know I created quite a web, but I'm willing to move heaven and earth for my H. Forgiving me for what I did showed me he wanted me, but his disdain to make this marriage a happy, fun marriage has been there since the day after we said <BR>"I Do". <BR>So I guess that's a glimpse into how this whole mess began with me.<P>Noni<P><BR>

You aren't having your needs met...and no matter what his age, your h should be able to try to do that. Does he know what you want? Does he know WHY you went to OM? Can you do the EN questionairre with him?<P>If you don't address these things, you will likely revert to OM again. If you don't want that to happen, get workin' girl!!!<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

EN questionnaire? H won't even respond to me...let alone someone elses questionnaire. He doen't want to read the Bible with me, doesn't want to share articles from different magazines, if I read something interesting in a book, he doesn't want to hear it. The marriage conferences I got him to agree to is only because he didn't have to pay for it, I did. But the one conference we went to that I really thought would be a breakthrough for us, he fell asleep in it. I kept waking him up, he kept falling asleep. He doesn't go for things like this. H would be furious if he knew that I was posting here. He doesn't want to go to counseling.

Noni, <P>I read your posts yesterday about how bad you felt that you did this to your spouse. Today i read your posts as to WHY you did it. I understand BOTH of them, but it seems to me that it all boils down to what my WS is going through right now. You need to decide that you want to work on your marriage and committ to that OR you want to leave and persue the OM where you THINK you will be happy. ONLY you can make that choice no matter what your H or OM say or do. <P>Good luck in whatever you do, but give it plenty of thought, time and prayer. Don't make a hasty decision that you will regret in the future. <P>Sad Daddy

well, want my .02?? lol....ok well, i have a friend who is in your exact situtation. EXACT. she has had an affair, and well...he jsut ignores her even more. It is a sad situation. My parent also are years apart...my mom is 47 and my dad is 59, and even they a hve way differnt life styles. at this point she just lives her own life and when he cares to wake up, she includes him. Crass?? somewhat. a necessity? probably. <P>my H is only 2 1/2 yrs older than I. And when my needs werent being met, i had an affair....after a long, long 8 yrs of abuse and neglect. NOPE not right, but understandable. My H does try to meet my needs. He fails in many ways becuase of the hurt. He tries, he realy does, but, with the hurt, he is one angry, hurt man. but the bottom line is......he tries.<P>without trying, we all lose sight of what we are working for/towards. can you talk with him? ask him where he stands?? what HE wants?? does he want yoU? does he want your marriage?? I finally had to put it that way to my own hubby, either you want me or you dont, becuase this isnt working.<P>i also am 29, i know how lonely a soul can get.<P>good luck,<BR>mercy

You guys are great...<BR>To respond to the responses, I want my marriage more than anything. Yes, I may be hurt losing my best friend, but I'll be gaining my husband and that is more important.<BR>I don't want to divorce him. I think that if he put more effort into marriage, we'd be fine.<BR>Talking to him about the whole situation, his problem is that to him our marriage is happy just the way it is. His philosophy is "I have forgiven you, and that's enough".<BR>My committment is to this marriage and my family. I'll die trying to save it if need be. <BR>I know its going to be hard and it will take some time, but i'm there for the duration. My H wants this marriage, he wants it to work. In his own words "Noni, I swear i'd die without you. I love you so much, and I want you here with me. This is where you belong." Needless to say, I broke down and cried at those words. I just want to understand what we're going through, and I want to try to get him to be more active in our marriage. He told me everything he thought it would take to change things around for us, and I have bent over backwards to make sure I gave him what he wanted. I just want the same in return.

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noni,<P>I am a decade older than your H. The behavior you describe in him doesn't sound right. He shouldn't be falling asleep at his YOUNG age. Why don't you see if he will get a physical. If he is resistent, tell him you plan on wearing him out , and you would feel awful if he could not take it.<P>Seriously, he may be avoiding activity because he has a physical problem. He may not even be aware of it, but somehow his brain senses it. He is not too young to be suffering from heart problems, and while one doesn't feel this, the lack of energy and sense of excitement are often symptoms.<P>So, even if you cannot save your marriage, or make your marriage what you want, you may be able to save his life. He is a big boy now, he needs to get big boy checkups. <P>Something to think about.<P>God Bless,<P>JL