Faith,<p> If I didn't want to talk about it I wouldn't be here. Right now the kids are sleeping at my parents house. I am at work trying to get some work done to get caught up.<p> My son will go to school and my daughter will go to daycare. My wife will pick them up from there. <p> As far as having control over me. My WS holds my heart in her hands. She is crushing it. Everyday I wake up and see again that she is not there. Then I remember that she is with the OM. I don't think that the working is bad. It is the truth. That is all that I have wanted for us from the beginning.<p>Indy

Faith,<p> I am sorry if I mad you mad. I can understand. People get frustrated with me quite often.<p>Indy<p>I forgot to add that I was going to add this to my letter. That her leaving was my fault. I had it coming. I didn't give her the house, the brand new car, and a financialy stable household.<p>[ October 29, 2001: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]<p>[ October 29, 2001: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</p>

Indy,
ok. so after your w picks them up tomorrow, you want her to be responsible for them? Like I said, I just don't you to be accused of abandoning them. Just be sure your lawyer is aware of what you're doing with the kids, k? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I know exactly how you feel about your heart. I felt the same way, really. I don't know why I don't feel that way anymore... I guess I do from time to time. But at some point, I realized that my H was NOT going to hold me captive for the rest of my life. ya know? I guess.... lemme think... have you ever messed up and hurt someone? Like a friend - an old girlfriend - sister or brother... um... hurt their feelings, broke a promise.. something like that? well, of course you have. Would you want them to live in pain forever for what you did to them? I wouldn't. I guess that's why we say "we're sorry" when we hurt someone. We don't want to be responsible for their pain for the rest of their life. <p>ummm... your wife probably hasn't said she's sorry, but she DOESN'T want to be responsible for YOUR pain for the rest of your life. And it's not fair to HOLD her responsible. gosh... I guess I'm just thinking through this.... ya know? it's not fair to her as a human being to HOLD her responsible for your pain. And it's not fair to yourself to give that power to her. Indy, I guess what I'm saying, is take this one day at a time, becuase I know it will get easier for you... everyone who has ever gone through this has made it , and the pain has subsided. But you need to - little by little - take responsibility for your pain. She may NEVER apologize. She may NEVER make things up to you. No one can make your suffering go away except you (and believing that God can help you).<p>Gosh, now you're probably tired of my nose being where it doesn't belong. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] hehe.... I just can relate to your depression, self-pity and blame... and trying to think how I get myself out of it. and maybe you can too.<p>I'm headed home. I'll check in on ya later.<p>Take care, Indy. You may not can see it, and that's fine... it's really hard to see... but you will be ok. I think you know that... deep down... that you will be ok. But you will get past this pain also.<p>Faith1

Make me mad??? are you crazy??? hehe... nope. I'm tougher than that. I'm a recovered BS!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I told you you would have to shake a pretty big stick to run me off.<p>over and out (for now.... headed home)

Faith,<p> I don't hold her responsible for my pain. That is for me to hold all on my own. I will never let anyone near me again. I will only want her for the rest of my life. That is what I promised to do seven years ago. No, she has never said that she was sorry. As a matter of fact. She said that she never regreated anything in her life and that she wasn't going to start now. I think that she was just trying to let me down easy. I think that she does regreat marrying me. I think that she just used me to get over my SD's dad. I just wish that we wouldn't have brought children into this world. I don't deserve them. I am not a good person to raise kids. I couldn't even keep my family together. If you want to call it a family. Like I said I will give her everything. I won't need anything for my barracks room. They are fully furnished. All I will take with me are pictures of when we were happy. That way I can remember what it was like to have her love and the love of my children as a family. I am going to start writing my letter to her now. She gets off work at 2am. I don't want to miss her.<p>Indy<p>I hope that you will come back when you get home.<p>[ October 29, 2001: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</p>

Faith,<p> Here is the letter that I am going to send her.<p>Ms. XXXXXXX X. XXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX<p>Ms. XXXXXXXX,<p> I am writing this letter to let you know that I am giving the children to you and OM to take care of. I will back out of the picture so that you may give the kids a good life. I don&#8217;t want to confuse them anymore. I will give you everything that we acquired during our marriage. That will allow you and Brian to get on your feet without having to use a lot of money to get started. <p> I am sorry that I wasted seven years of your life and that I wasn&#8217;t the husband and father that you all needed. I should never have touched you. I should have just gone away when SD&#8217;s Dad left. I am sorry that I didn't make you happy. That is the only thing that mattered to me besides the kids. I know that you and OM will raise the kids well. I would like you to contact my lawyer tomorrow afternoon before you get the kids. I will leave instructions for him on how to proceed. I think that Brain will make you and the kids happy. I know that the kids won't understand this, but I think that they will forget me in time. You can tell them that it was me and not you that destroyed our family. If you even want to call it a family. To be honest we never really had one to begin with. Did we? I would like to ask that you allow my family access to the children. You never know they may like OM better than they like me right now. I will never bother you or the kids again. You have OM to take care of you from now on. You can contact me through my office or if you would prefer to wait until my orders come in that is fine too. I will always love you and the kids. You will be with me in my heart. <p> Again I would like to say that I am sorry for all of this. I know that this would not have taken so long if I had just left the apartment when you asked me too.<p> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
SGT USMC

I'm here. I don't suppose you have ICQ? would be easier to talk that way....<p>I'm curious why you say you were such a bad husband and father, Indy. And frankly, I believe she did jump into your relationship to get past the previous one. But I'm sure she didn't do that intentionally - to hurt you, ya know? I hate that you take the blame for the failure of your marriage. W wasn't perfect either.<p>Faith1

Faith,<p> Sorry I have to ask. What is an ICQ?<p>Indy<p>[ October 29, 2001: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</p>

Indy, [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
it's a free program you can download from ICQ.com. do you know what IM is? same thing. we can chat back and forth quickly instead of posting or sending e-mails. that's ok.... we can stay here.<p>I'm thinking about your letter. have u sent it yet?

Faith,<p> No, I haven't sent it yet. I am on a government computer right now. I can't add any software to it. The security settings have been upgraded since the WTC thing. If you would like quick communication. I have a 1 800 Number to my office.<p>Indy

Faith,<p> I hope that I didn't scare you off. If you would feel more comfortable here. We can continue to post here.<p>Indy

ok... hold on a sec... I'm online right now.... give me your number and how long you'll be there.. and I'll give you a quick buzz.

Faith,<p> The number is . You will hear a voice prompt. Dial 14. It will say Recruiting Station Indianapolis. Then Dial 14 for Operations. I will at least be here for another 30 to 40 minutes. I will answer in military fashion just incase it is someone else. Just as for Indy. Then I will know that it is you.<p>Indy<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</p>

INDY,<p>Hi, just dropped by to check on you. I am so sorry that you are taking this route as I believe that some day, distant from now, you will regret this choice. You say that you are doing this to save the children further pain and confusion. I am afraid that it will only add to this.<p>But if you do this, do make sure you cover yourself and your children legally. You said that you will carry medical insurance for them. Do you mean through the military? I hope so because private insurance is horribly expensive. The other point that I think you really need to check with your attorney about is child support. You cannot sign something that makes you no longer responsible for them financially. The child support belongs to your children no your wife or you. You cannot give away what belongs to the kids. It does not matter what your divorce papers say about you giving up the kids. Your wife can turn right around and have your wages garnished for child support. So you will be paying that and you will have not rights to see your children. You know that in the military, you will get dependent pay for your children. This will need to go to them. My experience is that the military will not support your not paying child support either. I’ve seen guys get in a lot of trouble with their command for this.<p>An other thought, what are you going to do if your wife counters with that she does not want the children?<p>I’m not going to second guess your choice here. You know my feelings about it. But in the end, it is your choice. What I am concerned about is that you need to protect yourself and your children legally. Another question I have for you. You say that you are giving your children to OM. You know he has no legal right or responsibility to them. From the looks of it he does not want that either. The highest probability is that OM and your wife will break up in the next two years. What will happen to your kids then? <p>Just playing the devil’s advocate here because I am worried about you and your kids.<p>By the way, antidepressants are not artificial. True clinical depression is caused by a lack of certain chemicals in the brain and by the brain loosing the ability to process brain chemicals properly. This is the physical side effect of the hurt and stress you are going through. If you had a vitamin deficiency, you would take vitamins. So what is the big deal about taking the meds that would help your brain function properly through this time?<p>Well, keep us posted. <p>Z<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

Indy, <p>How are you doin today? One day at a time.... no rush, right? Keep us posted. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Great advice from Zorweb here. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Zorweb,
He was fine when we talked on the phone, and had decided not to send the letter. YET. <p>Hang in there Indy!<p>Faith1<p>[ October 30, 2001: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Thanks for the update Faith.

Faith,<p> Thanks for talking last night. It was hard to believe that we talked for two hours. I drove around for about an hour last night thinking. If you are wondering. No, I didn't sleep last night. I typed this letter for her today. I sent it to my daughter's daycare. I asked if they would have her call me at the office when she gets it.<p>Ms XXXXXXX X. XXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXX, XX XXXXXX
Ms. XXXXXXXXX,<p> I need you to please bring the kids to the Indy Sport and Fitness Complex tonight. I will be playing softball there. It is located off of Franklin Road Just south of Back One. Since I am asking you to do this you may keep the kids until 2100 tonight. My game is scheduled for 2100. That game is also scheduled to be on field number 1. If you have any problems finding me ask the person at the front entrance where the Navy Team is playing tonight. It will cost you two dollars to get in. Please confirm receipt of this fax by calling my office.<p> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Sgt USMC<p>Indy

Indy,
Good letter. Keep us posted.<p>Drink some coffee. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] AAAANNNNDDDD have fun playing softball tonite.<p>Faith1

Indy,<p>You have fun at your game tonight. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Your a good man and a good dad. It's just that you are fighting hell these days. Who would not be torn as you are.<p>Remember, one day at a time.<p>Z

Faith and Z,<p> I missed her call a few minutes ago. I am kind of sad. It would have been good to hear her voice. It also would have been really hard. Just knowing that she is out there with the OM and the kids drives me crazy. It is like he took my place in my family. About the letter. What do you think of me using her maidian name? I don't know if that really bothers her anymore or not.<p>Indy