I discovered my wife's affair in July when I read e-mails that she sent to the OM. In one of the e-mails she stated that the sex with him produced the most intense feelings in her life. She later stated to me that the feelings that she had with me when we first met were more intense, but that she hasn't felt that way for me in years. We are currently working to rebuild the love that she once had for me, but now when we are together sexually I can't help but wonder am I performing well enough or are the feelings that she is having comparable to the intensity that she had with him....... is this normal for me to be feeling this way?, or is this something that I shouldn't be consumed by? I saved and printed the e-mail and told her that I wanted her to destroy it when the statement in the e-mail was no longer true in regards to how she feels about me now. Was that wrong to ask of her?

I too have had many of these same feelings. Especially when we are doing something that I know they did on their one fling. Wondered for a long time if I wasn't adequate as a lover, even though she said that wasn't the reason. What I found out was that it was eating me up and I had to let it go. If she's with you and not with him, then she's there for a reason. Don't stir up trouble by stressing over things you can't change. If you indeed feel that way...I would suggest pouring all of you into each lovemaking session and show her how much you love her. As for the e-mail...way too much pressure on her! Let her work on this with you...not for you.

After all these months this is something that is still bothering me, I am wondering if men think about this more than women?

I know what you mean. I felt like I had to compete at first. I got over most of that. Once I realized that our sex (my H and I) is not as "intense" as it was in the beginning, it is 10 time better! Intense is what comes from a new, dangerous, or might-get-caught situation. That doesn't mean that it was great sex. Don't take that personally. Making love is SO much better! <P>Besides, she may have been lying to him. She is with you?! <P>As for the e-mail… Do you really want that painful memory lying around? <BR>

i can't believe anyone could think about it more than me, and i'm a woman. sometimes those jealous, intensly jealous, competitive thoughts are completely obsessive. and my h has always said sex was always better with me. which always makes me think, "then why did you keep doing it with her". so we all have our own brand of hell. go to the women's bible study forum and read the post on "capturing those thoughts".<BR> i would ask her to define what it was she was speaking of in the email. was it just her feelings toward him? or was it something he did? maybe you both need to experiment a little. it is normal for you to feel this way. the good part is that it does get easier after time and too much talking about it. i just keep telling myself, hey it couldn't be that great, he picked me. (after 4.5 YEARS!!! there i go again, back into the loop--ugh--just a look into the mind of a fellow sufferer)

FA:<P>Have you been able to have a discussion recently on whether your wife is satisfied with your sex life now? Could it be better? If so, how?<P>You shouldn't take things that you read between lovers too seriously---they're not speaking "absolute honesty" in these notes, they're talking in a way that they think the other wants them to. It's silly to read too much into it.

NotQuiteOverIt - I agree that making love is better, but that doesn't necessarily mean that my W believes it, especially when she felt that the OM was "into her". I don't believe that she was lying to him, she really did feel that way, and I believe that the main reason that she is with me now is because the OM was married and loves his W and had no intention of ever leaving her. Considering what was written in other emails that she sent him and the manner in which she lied, both before and after discovery, I have no doubt in my mind that if he had been "into her" like she thought he was and he had wanted her to, she would have left.<P>Neen - I can't get a straight answer out of her in regards to if there was something that he did. As far as experimentation, I have always been into that, but she seems not to be interested, at least not with me. As a matter of fact, my W says that even now she doesn't enjoy our sex as much as she did with him and she claims that it is because it was "new".<P>K - Yes, I have tried to have the discussion and all I get is ambigous answers, so I am at a lost of what is really going on. As far as the speaking honestly, my W was completely honest in her letters to him. The OM was also honest, he loved his wife and not her. My W was trying to get him to love her, which again says that she would have let me in a heartbeat if his feelings had ever changed. I do agree with you in that he did tell her things that she wanted to hear to keep her around, I'm sure it was a helluva "ego boost" to have a woman throw herself all over you and tell you how much she enjoyed sleeping with you, especially after your own wife had cheated on you.<BR>My problem now is that I don't think my W is being as honest with me as she was with him.<P><BR>[This message has been edited by F A (edited January 14, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by F A (edited January 14, 2000).]

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