All,<P>I spent most all my time and effort at home after being away at work for a month. Plan A'ed the whole time. Bit my tongue a lot. Worked my butt off around the new house that we just bought. Spent a lot of time with her and listening to what she had to say. We talked about things we haven't ever talked about. She talked about her feelings with OM and all kinds of stuff. Very strange and crazy stuff went on in those two weeks. <BR>The last day home I moved all my stuff to my rent house, (at her request) (in other words I got kicked out) Spent lots of time with the kids. It was very hard for me to talk to them in a loving way without crying. We went to her parents house and before I left he jumped both of us for the way our marriage has turned out and he doesn't understand how we are both taking it so well. What does he want me to do? Walk around crying all the time? What I feel like doing is laying in bed for 24 hrs a day in the fetal position and veg. out but I don't want my children to see me that way. <BR>I called her from work and she was upset and telling me that she didn't know if what "we" were doing was the right. Then the next day she was mean and cold to me. Then the next I called her and she told me that she was on the phone with OM and didn't have time to talk to me right then. Man, you talk about tearing your heart out! <BR>I guess I don't have any other thing to do but go to plan B. As much as I hate it, I don't know what else to do...... Any suggestions!<P><BR>Thanks in advance<P>Roughneck

Hi, RN, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm not sure how much of the basic principles on the web-site you've had a chance to read. You're in a whirlwind of emotion right now - and your world is upside down.<P>Basically, it is recoomended that you Plan A for 6 months. It is vital to lay down a good Plan A before moving to plan B. You need to demonstrate changes in yourself to your spouse, by eliminating Love Busters, and filling as many Emotional Needs as you can. Plan B is a last resort - as your love bank is almost drained, and you are almost out of energy, or after you have done a solid plan A for 6 months, and the A continues.<P>These are the basics for deciding when it's time to move to Plan B.<P>Do you still love your wife a good bit? Then stay in Plan A for a while. It's possible while separated. It's easier in some ways (the A and their depression or mean behavior is not in your face), and it's harder in some ways (you don't have as much oppurtunity to demonstrate your Plan A changes in yourself.)<P>Take care of yourself, identify some areas of growth you can work on, keep reading and posting.<P> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

RN,<BR>You sound like my H SEM. He just wanted to lay around all day and he did. I know some nights the kids fed themselves because he had no energy or motivation to do so. <P>Maybe you may need to try some anti-deppresants for awhile just to keep you going. Alot of people are judgemental about them becuaese of fear. The fear of not knowing more about them. They aren't so bad. They keep you moving or sleeping in my case. There are several different kinds for different people. <P>I agree with Faith, plan A for about 6months. Have you asked your W what she wants out of life, and waht about the kids? Faith says Dr. harley is really good. Maybe you could talk your W into talking with him as well. Good luck my prayers are with you both. Sherry

Hey Roughneck,<P> Hope you are doing better today. I have to agree with faith and ks. In some ways it is easier to Plan A when you are in seperation. That is not to say that it is easy, because it's not. Just in some ways easier because you are not in the same house seeing and hearing what the WS is doing. <P> The hardest part for me was that when we originally seperated I had the kids. Since then my W has talked them into moving in with her. That is the hardest part. My children are old enough that I let them decide whether to stay with me or my wife. <P> The thing is S, is that you do not need to rush into Plan B. You want to set the best foundation possible with Plan A before you go to plan B. Having said that, even the Harleys will tell you that the time you give Plan A is dependant on how much love you have in your bank for your wife.<P> If it is very low then you would need to go to Plan B sooner.<P> By the way, I tried calling you back today but you were not home. I would have left a message but you don't have a machine...hehe.<P> Sorry I had to rush off the other day...I was heading to work and the wife was here and in a bit*hy mood. I'll try again later today. <P> I am off work until Monday morning when I start 7:00am-7:00pm shift. <P> Take care man.<P> jd

Faith, KS, and JDMAC,<P>I am on anti-depressants, they are called zoloft or something like that. I have been on them since I found out about the A. About two months. I know that they have helped me out a lot. I am still having problems with motivation. I feel that I have almost emptied my love bank. You have to all remember that this is not my first rodeo! I have been dealing with A's for 8 yrs. I completely got over the first one but the second and third one I never did. The newest and fourth one has done nothing but made me resent her even more. In the past, every time that I was willing to let go she would come back. I don't know if she will this time but I keep thinking about all of this and I really don't know at this point if I want to continue pushing foreward. I have been in therapy to try to better myself but that is all I can do for now. <BR>I can't stand the thoughts of what is going on at my house while I am 500 miles away trying to make my family a living. I want to remove myself from that pain before I have no love left in my heart for her. <BR>I guess my Taker is taking over. I still care about her and what happens to her but my love for her is fading fast. After she told me the other night that she didn't have time to talk to me because she was talking to the OM, I could feel her account being drained away. I DON'T WANT TO HATE HER BUT MY FEELINGS ARE HEADING THAT WAY! I have to get myself out of harms way before that happens.....<P>JDMAC, I'm at work buddy, I will send you a e-mail with the phone # again!<P><BR>Thanks again everyone. Talking to you all has helped my big time!<P>RN