Was the wife cheating on the husband while he was on the road?

Wow ... that's a diffrent spin, Anna.<P>Nope, I can honestly say I can't remember any spouse of a musician that cheated. So, what does that say about us non-musical spouses?<P>Jo

Ummm Anna ... why do you ask?<P>You're not thinking of doing something stupid, are you?<P>Jo

No, H and I had a long talk last night. H read some of our post here-the first page. H wanted me to realize that he has to face the worries while he is gone on the road that I could do something. He wanted me to ask the question to see what answers I got. We had a really long talk last night and I understand a lot more now - I may not like it, but I understand a lot more or maybe it just got through this time. I do tend to be stubborn. I have never thought of it though and was interested in the response (even though it was originally his question). You know they would have to worry about that. Especially since they realize (if they have any thought processes) that the wife is shoved over to the side a lot for the music. While H is on the road, he worries about what I may be doing at home while I'm worried about what he's doing while he's gone. I don't know--yes it is a spin on it, but I'm sure many musicians face it as much as the wife/husband that stays home faces.

Basically, I'm trying to see things from both sides of the fence instead of just focusing on my side. Living as a musician's wife is different than most relationships in so many ways on both sides of the equation. Understand? I have a meeting in about 20 minutes, YUCK, but I will be here until I have to go and I'll be back as soon as I can.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dumplin:<BR><STRONG>Was the wife cheating on the husband while he was on the road?</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Okay I understand. I don't recall ever seeing that happen. The wives/girlfriends I knew always stayed faithful. Doesn't make much sense does it?

Well, I sort of know of one situation. I'm not sure of the details, but it was rumored that the bass player's (at the time my BIL) girlfriend cheated on him once while he was out of town. She is now his XGF and of course I don't know the whole story, but something happened once while he was out of town. So, no one has ever heard of a spouse cheating on a musician while the musician was on the road?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dumplin:<BR><STRONG> So, no one has ever heard of a spouse cheating on a musician while the musician was on the road?</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If it happens, it must be fairly uncommon. But think of it, we are comparing apples & oranges, Mars & Venus here. If a musician's spouse were to cheat it would probably be based in loneliness while her H was on the road. Somethign that would start out as one of those inappropriate friendships, then progress to an EA, etc. Then on the flip side we are dealing with a man who is propositioned every night by new and different women. Opportunity abounds, it is usually acceptable and expected behavior among his peers, and often easy to get away with on the road. Men think it's cool to be propositioned for sex by female strangers. If that happens to most women we call the police.

I'm back from the meeting. I understand what you are saying fairy. I'm just trying to get an understanding of things. I have to believe that my H is the exception and not the norm. I know before his A's our relationship was in a major rut-both our faults-and I have to believe that he wouldn't just have an affair while married because it was offered to him and it's acceptable for musicians. Okay, now a new question-how long were you with your musician spouse before they cheated on you? Myself, we've been together for almost 7 years-married 4 1/2. Our relationship began a downhill slide about 2 years ago-a year before his A began. I know it was wrong and it was his decision, but I don't believe it would have happened if the situation was different.

My H and I were married in 1985, his first A was in 1991 ... 6 years after marriage. We lived together for 5+ years prior to marrying.<P>We separated after his first A for 13 mos (during that time he did his best to populate Tacoma = 2 OCs, 11 mos apart in age).<P>Here's the deal, Anna. I believe that when a Musician's needs are not being met, they can <B>EASILY</B> (more than the average office Joe) find someone readily available to do so ... always a line of them waiting in the wings. But character, ethics, morals and values <I>(or lack thereof)</I> also plays a part in their decision to stray.<P>So I think if a musician's wife stays on her toes by meeting her H's needs, and <B>IF</B> her H is mature and has family values, infidelity can successfully be thwarted. <P>IMVHO, a musician's life is turned up a few notches in terms of Infidelity due to availability, what's accepted as the norm (peer pressure) and the environment in general.<P>Your thoughts, Anna and Fairydust?<P>Jo<p>[ October 23, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]

I agree with you completely Jo. It's readily available when people are throwing themselves at you and they don't care if you're married or not. Also, IMHO, a musician has a great need for admiration and attention. H may not agree with this, but it's how I see it. For me at least, it's hard to compliment H and build him up alot because I'm afraid he'll become a conceited [censored]. He gets so much adoration at his shows that I don't want him (to get the Big Head) to begin to think he's above reproach. It's very hard (on my end) to balance that out. I have times where I think he is the most cocky d**khead in the world and I have this overwhelming need to knock him off his little perch. I know this isn't good for a marriage, but how do you handle that? Does anyone get what I'm saying?

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Resilient:<BR>[QB]<BR> But character, ethics, morals and values also plays a part in their decision to stray.<P>So I think if a musician's wife stays on her toes by meeting her H's needs, and <B>IF</B> her H is mature and has family values, infidelity can successfully be thwarted. <P>Your thoughts, Anna and Fairydust?<P>Jo<P>[ October 23, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]<P>I am the voice of doom where musicians are concerned, that's why I swore off them lol. Maybe I just knew particularly bad ones, who knows, but like I said, I've only known one who was "truly" faithful (and I've known LOTS of musicians) . Most were active cheaters, a very few were reformed. Some were occasional philanderers, others were constant. Most of the reformed ones were pretty much out of the music scene by then, older, wiser, more settled. They play afew weekend gigs for fun, but have realized they aren't going to be stars. My ex didn't cheat (to my knowledge) but ONLY because I was always heading him off at the pass and keeping the ever present open eye. If I hadn't been hyper vigilant I think his first cheating session would have been about 6 months into the relationship. That situation ended with me smacking some bimbo in the head. I think Jo's point about maturity and family values is the most important. Many of the guys I know who cheated a lot were quite happy at home. They had beautiful wives whom they loved very much. All of their needs were being met at home. They just didn't think that their home life had anything to do with their stage persona and were able to keep the 2 things totally separate in their heads. Those guys were usually VERY opposed to having their wives at the shows. They didn't want their worlds colliding. If a guy is one of those, there is nothing in the world going to change him, except possibly getting old, fat and bald. The values really have to be there to keep from having it happen again and again.... I should also add that if any of those guys, evne the big time dirty dogs, had caught their wife cheating they would have dumped her ASAP. Huge double standard. They also would have been devastated if their wives ever left them.

I hear ya, Anna.<P>My H is the same way. He thinks his words and actions are golden and he knows all. <P>My H is a very weak man, VERY. And like your H, admiration is his numero uno EN, followed closely by SF. A lethal combo for a musician.<P>During this last A my H would say things like "I'm not a good groupie and I think I'm too good to be a groupie". Ughhh! He wasn't getting the adoration from me he was getting from OW. Well, <B>Xcuse me</B> but I have lived with you for nearly 20 years and it's kinda hard remembering to kiss your AZZ everytime you walk into the room. Plus I work a conventional job and have to get up early to go to WORK. (sorry .. guess you can sense a sore subject for me here)<P>I did admire my H's talent, and he damn well knew it. I told him all the time, but I guess that wasn't enough .. he wanted me to always stand in awe of him ... like OW would do. To begin with I had lost a degree of respect for him from his first A (lying and sneaking around and OCs), and rebuilding that was not easy, then he wants me to act like a groupie??? WHAT IS THAT? The man is simply human ... he's not a god.<P>I dunno how you try and match the adoration and admiration they get from the groupies. I thought I shouldn't have to, but I guess I was wrong.<P>Maybe Fairydust can tell us how.<P>Jo<p>[ October 23, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Resilient:<BR><STRONG><P>I dunno how you try and match the adoration and admiration they get from the groupies. I thought I shouldn't have to, but I guess I was wrong.<P>Maybe Fairydust can tell us how.<P>Jo<P>[ October 23, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hee hee. If I knew the secret I'd be writing a book. It's much easier to do with a "regular guy" who doesn't have dozens of women throwing themselves at him on a nightly basis. I would watch these girls in action and it just doesn't fly in a real life relationship. I once heard a girl tell my xBF that "the way his hair shined in the lights he looked like a Golden God up onstage." Oh please! Mr. Golden God didn't even have a vailid driver's license or a savings account at the time lol. But he was convinced he was the grreatest thing since sliced bread. The egos get blown way out of proportion. You can't keep pace with the groupies unless you plan on building an altar to your H and creating a religion around him lol. You just have to focus on real life. Sure, tell him that he is a great talent, but concentrate more on telling him how much you appreciate him as a partner, father, friend & lover.

I'm mainly a part-time musician (sorry for intruding on your thread), I've always asked my wife to come hear me play. I've been doing gigs for two years and she not once has supported me. We are just two very different people in that respect. So, I do love the admiration and attention I get at gigs. It's nice having people come up (men and women) to compliment me. But I do get hit on alot and always flash my wedding ring and a smile. "sorry, I'm taken!!" But sometimes I seriously do yearn for musical support from my wife. Just this past weekend, I was being bothered by 'groupies' and this girl who was with the band asked me if I wanted her to pretend to be my wife to get them off of me. Well, it worked and we played the part. But it really got me to thinking how it would be to have someone more like 'me'. Someone that would have a genuine interest in what I do! I still haven't shaken it off yet. I'm still letting my big head deflate so I can return to earth. Yes, we musicians need admiration and that feeling of being 'above' the rest of the crowd or else it gets kinda empty inside.

Welcome, TxFiddler! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>Ohhh Goodie .. we have a working musician on-board that we can ask questions of. You don't mind, do you TxFiddler?<P>Anna, got any questions for him?<P>Jo

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by txfiddler:<BR><STRONG>I'm mainly a part-time musician (sorry for intruding on your thread), I've always asked my wife to come hear me play.>>> Yes, we musicians need admiration and that feeling of being 'above' the rest of the crowd or else it gets kinda empty inside.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Welcome TX. Glad you haven't gotten sucked in by groupies. Having someone pretend to be your wife gets into questionable and risky territory though <g> When I first started going out with my ex he always wanted me at his shows. But it seemed like after awhile, once the relationship was more comfortable, he didn't like it as much. I think he thought it cramped his style and he wasn't getting his fair share of adoration since so many of the groupies knew who I was. Sometimes I wonder if they really get into it for the music, like they all claim, or for the adoration. I think the adoration is a much bigger rush.

Gawd Fairydust ... from my mind to your lips!<P>My thoughts precisely. For my H, I think it was 95% adoration, 5% love of music. <P>TxFiddler .. can you offer us a ratio of how important the music is to you as opposed to the adoration?<P>Jo

Thanks for the warm welcome!! <P>I think you ladies are correct about the ratio there. I bet I can speak for most musicians in that it is 100% for the music AND 100% adoration!! I'm serious about that....but if I had to be mathmatically correct I would say 5% music and 95% adoration/admiration. Let's face it, who wants to go out and play mainly the same 'set' of songs over and over all the time? It gets to be like a broken record. It's fun to play and display your natural god-given talents....but the attention that can be gotten is unbelievable. That's partially why I still play - I don't need the extra money. (Even though that's my reasoning with my W) It's the colored lights, being up on a stage, the noise, the people, and yes I'll admit it the women who look at you like you are a deity!! And it becomes an addiction. Once you get it, you have to have more. I feel like I'm missing out on something when I'm not playing a weekend.

Hi TX! Welcome aboard. We would love to hear the musician's side of things. Looks like you guys were busy while I went to lunch, huh? Okay, I have a question for you. How do you separate the good guys from the bad ones?<P>I'm sorry your W doesn't have anything to do with your music. I love helping my H with his music. Not to say that sometimes we don't clash, but usually it's pretty cool.