Well, it's good to see the forum back. It's been driving me crazy not being able to read or post... I'm sure I'm not alone here.<P>Anyway, now for the big news that I've been itching to report on for a few days now.<P>My XW is coming home!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<P>The fog has lifted!!!<P>She asked me the other night if she could move in with me and the kids at the first of the month. I really wasn’t too surprised about it... things have been great between us lately, but it was so nice to finally hear what I’ve been waiting on for so long. We’ll probably start moving stuff over before the end of the month, but she’ll be out of her apartment for good by the first day in Nov. That is, as long as our relationship continues the way it’s been going.<P>We’ve been seeing a lot of each other for about a month now. She’s stayed with me almost every night for the past 3 weeks. There have been many ups and a few downs. Most of the downs were because of us just being nervous about this whole getting back together thing again. Things started going downhill early last winter, we seperated in Jan, D-day was in March then divorced in June. I am the BS.<P>I believe we are in a good recovery and doing quite nicely. XW has done a very good job lately of reassuring me that she is sincere and sure of what she wants(me). I’ve done a much better job of making her feel comfortable and still letting her know that she does have to put forth an effort to make me feel safe.<P>She is going through withdrawal from OM. I realized it the other night, when she told me about their final conversation. He still wanted to hang out, she said no. They argued and she told him to have a good life and then left. But she said it was hard to tell him goodbye forever, and it’s still hard for her. But she says everyday with me makes it easier [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ... I loved hearing that!<P>It’s kind of scary knowing that she still has feelings for OM. But she’s sworn no contact with him and she wants to be with me. I believe her, I wasn’t so sure about her intentions at first but I am confident that she is being truthful now, and I’m very happy about it all to say the least. Also she’s telling our daughter that we’re getting back together, and no matter what she’s done to me and our family, she wouldn’t lead our daughter on like that unless she was sure about her feelings.<P>It was really quite weird the other night, and painful, but it was something that I think had to be done. I think we grew closer in the end... we talked in detail about her A, which I never wanted to know anything about, except that it happened. Discussing it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, it was still painful though. She really made me feel good about our closeness and made me feel comfortable that she would never miss him in the bedroom. She may have been just telling me things that I wanted to hear, but I already believed that what caused this mess to begin with was not our ability to have good sex. We’ve always been great together like that, and luckily I can block out the thought of “him” and we are able to be intimate. Actually, we have been the whole time... from before seperation to divorce until now.<P>We talked about a relationship I had after the D that made XW feel some of the pain I went through... nothing really compares, but she had some of the same feelings I had. The feeling of physical pain in her stomach when she thought of it and she did lose something that was very dear to her. I hate it... wish it wouldn’t have happened, but glad in a way. She got to feel some of the pain and she saw for the first time in 13 years that I wasn’t waiting on her to live again, and that I could go on without her. It was a huge wake up call for her, I think that slapped her out of her fog more than anything. Still, I regret that it took that... and those were not my intentions when I started going out with OG. I will always think of OG as a friend, but she is no threat to my XW. I will never contact her again, I don’t want to. And my XW knows that I’d choose her over any girl, so she does feel secure, and she should.<P>Now for the problems:<BR>First off, I want my XW to start reading and posting on this message board. I think it would be great for her to read other people's stories to see that our story is not so unique. And most importantly I'd love for her to read other WS's stories. I believe her reading about FWS's experiences will help her feel better about who she is and hopefully help her with her guilt and healing process. But my fears about this are, I've used this forum to vent my frustrations a few times. I'm scared that if she read these posts, they'd be major LBs. Maybe I'll just change my user name.<P>A major problem that we're going to have is my family. They've already told me that they'll disown me if I take her back... I don't believe that. They may be really mad at me, but I don't think they'll ban me from their lives. My kids are way too important to them to do something like that. But what stinks is they totally HATE my XW. They will not even make an effort for me or my kids to forgive her. I really can't blame them. It's hers and my fault. I told them more than I should have about our situation. I didn't have anyone else to talk to and my family was there. I'm really not too worried about what they may think about me. The only thing that really matters is XW’s, my kids' and my happiness together. But it scares my XW that she'll be in a relationship where she's hated by my family and that it may affect the way I feel about her or treat her, which I try and assure her that I don’t care what they think, I will stand by her through it all(like I haven’t proven that already...). Like Thanksgiving and Christmas... there's no way XW can go to my family’s. First off they'd tell me she's not welcome, but if I said she coming or I'm not and you better make her feel welcome, she still wouldn't go because she knows they'd be acting. Now I could say well, since XW isn't welcome, none of us are coming over, but doesn't that hurt the kids more than anything? Or would it be worse for me and kids go to my family's and XW not be there, then have to explain it to them why their mother isn't there with us.<P>It's messed up, but I have faith that in the end my family won't interfer too much with our progress, even if they try. As much crap as we've been through in the past year, this is nothing. I just don’t know how to make her feel better about it and how to handle this with the kids.<P>We don’t have any plans to get remarried right now. It will happen eventually, she still has my last name, our cars are still in both of our names. She even introduces me as her husband, and it’s not an accident. The biggest difference is we won’t be wearing our wedding bands. She still wears the ring I gave her on her wedding finger, but no band. I’d love to put mine back on, even if we were just living together. I’ll put it on in a second if she asks me to.<P>Can't believe how fast things happen sometimes. I mean at times this past year, days seemed like years, lonely nights never ended, tomorrow seemed so far away, and then all of a sudden it's October again and my XW wants to come home. <P>Now having said all this, I am still pretty scared about her slipping, it wouldn’t completely shock me if she did slip back. There is a lot more work to be done by both of us. But I believe that if we keep up what we’re doing, as well as learning new ways to meet each other’s needs, we will be happier than we ever were before. It will be hard at times, but really, compared to the last year of hell I’ve been living in, this will be easy... well at least enjoyable. I know for me, I’ll never take her or our relationship for granted again. I don’t think I ever took her for granted in the past, but there was more I could’ve done to make her feel more loved and appreciated. We both thought our marriage didn’t need to be worked on in the past, that just sitting back and going through the motions was good enough. Well, we won’t be making that mistake again.<P>Thanks for taking the time to read this. If anyone has any advice on the situation with my family I’d really appreciate it. I’m mainly concerned what would be easiest and best for the kids(daughter 7, son 2). <P>JB<p>[ October 11, 2001: Message edited by: kb4jb ]

kb4jb,<P>I don't think either that your family will "disown you" for taking your W back. You need to have a serious talk with them, explain to them that as much as you love them and appreciate their support and loyalty while you were in the midst of the marital problems, that you now need to call on them once again for a greater support. And that greater support is to give your marriage a chance. To be supportive of your decision to try to make a life with your W again. Don't threaten them with "accept all of us or you'll see none of us" but stress to them how much this means to you. Please remember, they love you and are afraid to see you hurt any further. They want to protect you. <P>I don't know how far you live from your family or how frequently you see them but I'd suggest little "drop by's" for awhile before you tackle a big family gathering. Just stop in together and stay for a VERY short visit. Let me see the two of you interact and see that you are safe and happy. That's their goal. To see you loved and cared for. And if they can see that, I'm sure they will be supportive of your decision. Good luck.

How does your wife feel about continued contact with your family?<BR>Does she want to re-establish a relationship with them?<P>I don't see this as any different than other relationships that are unhealthy for you and your wife. If her best friend was against your marriage, you would expect her to stop contact. I've seen lots of posts on here that recommend stopping contact with those who are unsupportive.

JB, it's suddnly a beautiful day out there -- your post is a ray of sunshine, even up here in Seattle! <P>Advice? You seem to have done ok so far. I'm glad to hear you've talked about the A. My WH didn't get it for a long time -- his A's were all ABOUT sex and so that's what I wanted the details about. He's doling them slowly, but with every bit of information, I feel a little stronger, and their grip on me loosens. Are they just telling us what they think we want to hear? Who knows. That's part of the process. <P>Tread lightly where the kids are concerned. You know that though. I would even venture into family counseling, if you haven't already, until things really got back on track.<P>The family thing... I talked just like you did. One thing I've realised, going through this for 16+ months now, is that once the initial shock wears off, usually it's just not a big deal to them. Not in the sense that it greatly alters the way they would treat WH. Some of my dear friends, who are like my large, extended family, are still angry at him. Not so much for the A's themselves, but for the marriage which he mostly took for granted for all of ten years, and then had affairs TO BOOT. I guess I'm just trying to say you can't live your life based on what other people will think. You want to keep YOUR little family together and the others will adjust, I promise. <P>The only one in MY family who questions why I even continue to work on it is my much, much younger brother. He never had a dad to look up to and my H was like a surrogate to him. He was crushed when he found out, and angry and all of those other things. Has a lot of feelings to sort through himself, but I trust in the end, he will come to terms with it. <P>Hope some of this helps. <P>Snow

Thank you all so much Nerlycrzy, Lexxy and Snowwhite!<P>Nerlycrzy:<BR>We all live within about 5 miles of each other. Good idea about the short stop bys... I'm willing to try that if XW wife is, but she's terrified of them. I'm afraid time will have to heal this wound. I'm not going to push her on them or them on her.<P>Lexxy:<BR>She has no desire to ever make up with them. They have no desire to ever see her again. As far as no contact with them, that would hurt the kids too much. She doesn't care if I have contact with them, but she is afraid they will try and turn me against her and they will try, no doubt about it.<P>Snowwhite:<BR>Thank you for your kind words. The day/week/month and year have all become brighter for me. I'm really not too worried at all about how my family feels about me or her. I agree about the initial shock thing, they're going to hit the floor. I can see father and brother letting her back in their lives but not my grandmother, mother and 2 sisters... not at all, they'll hold this grudge for a long time.<P>Quick update: She just called before she went in to work. Just to tell me she loves me! Like I said before, she's doing a great job of reassuring me and trying to rebuild the trust. Things are going great and getting better! Can't believe this is all happening!<P>Thanks again everbody... and especially Dr. Harley! Before finding this site, I never thought a relationship as badly damaged as ours could be rebuilt. I'm so glad to be proven wrong!<P>JB<p>[ October 11, 2001: Message edited by: kb4jb ]

kb4jb <P>Wow, cool news! You have beat the odds buddy, I'm VERY happy for your family! Your post was so long, that before I read all the replies and forget what I wanted to respond to I am responding, so if you've already answered something I ask or whatever- I will read them when I'm done, forgive me.<P>The first thing that comes to my mind when you mention getting another screen name is DON'T. Here's why. <P>First off, the policy of radical honesty. Really rebuilding is going to take involving every policy you ever heard of here- esp this one. Believe it or not, she is feeling guilty about what she has done, it's a common WS thing- guilt. I believe she will understand (even better maybe) what she put you through and be able to put it in perspective if she does read it. Whether that is true or not- honesty- of the radical type goes a long way and both ways.<P>To be really honest- don't get your hopes up about bringing her here and her just jumping in and loving it- the guilt thing makes this site all but unbearable to many WS's. Don't push it if that's the case, it just causes resentment, take it from a BS who tried.<P>Next, I want to warn you that as happy as you are now, it is likely that you are going to have alot of emotions to deal with in the future. I recommend counseling individual or joint, as soon as possible.<P>Next, the big one I wish I had thought of before my H moved back- a recovery plan. You really need to develop one and both agree on the course of action you want to take to build your new affair proof future. Agreements- questionaires, do it all.<P>Well, I wish you the best and hope to see you In Recovery! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>NY

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kb4jb:<BR><STRONG>Well, it's good to see the forum back. It's been driving me crazy not being able to read or post... I'm sure I'm not alone here.<P>Anyway, now for the big news that I've been itching to report on for a few days now.<P>My XW is coming home!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<P>The fog has lifted!!!<P>She asked me the other night if she could move in with me and the kids at the first of the month. I really wasn’t too surprised about it... things have been great between us lately, but it was so nice to finally hear what I’ve been waiting on for so long. We’ll probably start moving stuff over before the end of the month, but she’ll be out of her apartment for good by the first day in Nov. That is, as long as our relationship continues the way it’s been going.<P>We’ve been seeing a lot of each other for about a month now. She’s stayed with me almost every night for the past 3 weeks. There have been many ups and a few downs. Most of the downs were because of us just being nervous about this whole getting back together thing again. Things started going downhill early last winter, we seperated in Jan, D-day was in March then divorced in June. I am the BS.<P>I believe we are in a good recovery and doing quite nicely. XW has done a very good job lately of reassuring me that she is sincere and sure of what she wants(me). I’ve done a much better job of making her feel comfortable and still letting her know that she does have to put forth an effort to make me feel safe.<P>She is going through withdrawal from OM. I realized it the other night, when she told me about their final conversation. He still wanted to hang out, she said no. They argued and she told him to have a good life and then left. But she said it was hard to tell him goodbye forever, and it’s still hard for her. But she says everyday with me makes it easier [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ... I loved hearing that!<P>It’s kind of scary knowing that she still has feelings for OM. But she’s sworn no contact with him and she wants to be with me. I believe her, I wasn’t so sure about her intentions at first but I am confident that she is being truthful now, and I’m very happy about it all to say the least. Also she’s telling our daughter that we’re getting back together, and no matter what she’s done to me and our family, she wouldn’t lead our daughter on like that unless she was sure about her feelings.<P>It was really quite weird the other night, and painful, but it was something that I think had to be done. I think we grew closer in the end... we talked in detail about her A, which I never wanted to know anything about, except that it happened. Discussing it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, it was still painful though. She really made me feel good about our closeness and made me feel comfortable that she would never miss him in the bedroom. She may have been just telling me things that I wanted to hear, but I already believed that what caused this mess to begin with was not our ability to have good sex. We’ve always been great together like that, and luckily I can block out the thought of “him” and we are able to be intimate. Actually, we have been the whole time... from before seperation to divorce until now.<P>We talked about a relationship I had after the D that made XW feel some of the pain I went through... nothing really compares, but she had some of the same feelings I had. The feeling of physical pain in her stomach when she thought of it and she did lose something that was very dear to her. I hate it... wish it wouldn’t have happened, but glad in a way. She got to feel some of the pain and she saw for the first time in 13 years that I wasn’t waiting on her to live again, and that I could go on without her. It was a huge wake up call for her, I think that slapped her out of her fog more than anything. Still, I regret that it took that... and those were not my intentions when I started going out with OG. I will always think of OG as a friend, but she is no threat to my XW. I will never contact her again, I don’t want to. And my XW knows that I’d choose her over any girl, so she does feel secure, and she should.<P>Now for the problems:<BR>First off, I want my XW to start reading and posting on this message board. I think it would be great for her to read other people's stories to see that our story is not so unique. And most importantly I'd love for her to read other WS's stories. I believe her reading about FWS's experiences will help her feel better about who she is and hopefully help her with her guilt and healing process. But my fears about this are, I've used this forum to vent my frustrations a few times. I'm scared that if she read these posts, they'd be major LBs. Maybe I'll just change my user name.<P>A major problem that we're going to have is my family. They've already told me that they'll disown me if I take her back... I don't believe that. They may be really mad at me, but I don't think they'll ban me from their lives. My kids are way too important to them to do something like that. But what stinks is they totally HATE my XW. They will not even make an effort for me or my kids to forgive her. I really can't blame them. It's hers and my fault. I told them more than I should have about our situation. I didn't have anyone else to talk to and my family was there. I'm really not too worried about what they may think about me. The only thing that really matters is XW’s, my kids' and my happiness together. But it scares my XW that she'll be in a relationship where she's hated by my family and that it may affect the way I feel about her or treat her, which I try and assure her that I don’t care what they think, I will stand by her through it all(like I haven’t proven that already...). Like Thanksgiving and Christmas... there's no way XW can go to my family’s. First off they'd tell me she's not welcome, but if I said she coming or I'm not and you better make her feel welcome, she still wouldn't go because she knows they'd be acting. Now I could say well, since XW isn't welcome, none of us are coming over, but doesn't that hurt the kids more than anything? Or would it be worse for me and kids go to my family's and XW not be there, then have to explain it to them why their mother isn't there with us.<P>It's messed up, but I have faith that in the end my family won't interfer too much with our progress, even if they try. As much crap as we've been through in the past year, this is nothing. I just don’t know how to make her feel better about it and how to handle this with the kids.<P>We don’t have any plans to get remarried right now. It will happen eventually, she still has my last name, our cars are still in both of our names. She even introduces me as her husband, and it’s not an accident. The biggest difference is we won’t be wearing our wedding bands. She still wears the ring I gave her on her wedding finger, but no band. I’d love to put mine back on, even if we were just living together. I’ll put it on in a second if she asks me to.<P>Can't believe how fast things happen sometimes. I mean at times this past year, days seemed like years, lonely nights never ended, tomorrow seemed so far away, and then all of a sudden it's October again and my XW wants to come home. <P>Now having said all this, I am still pretty scared about her slipping, it wouldn’t completely shock me if she did slip back. There is a lot more work to be done by both of us. But I believe that if we keep up what we’re doing, as well as learning new ways to meet each other’s needs, we will be happier than we ever were before. It will be hard at times, but really, compared to the last year of hell I’ve been living in, this will be easy... well at least enjoyable. I know for me, I’ll never take her or our relationship for granted again. I don’t think I ever took her for granted in the past, but there was more I could’ve done to make her feel more loved and appreciated. We both thought our marriage didn’t need to be worked on in the past, that just sitting back and going through the motions was good enough. Well, we won’t be making that mistake again.<P>Thanks for taking the time to read this. If anyone has any advice on the situation with my family I’d really appreciate it. I’m mainly concerned what would be easiest and best for the kids(daughter 7, son 2). <P>JB<P>[ October 11, 2001: Message edited by: kb4jb ]</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kb4jb:<BR><STRONG>Well, it's good to see the forum back. It's been driving me crazy not being able to read or post... I'm sure I'm not alone here.<P>Anyway, now for the big news that I've been itching to report on for a few days now.<P>My XW is coming home!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<P>The fog has lifted!!!<P>She asked me the other night if she could move in with me and the kids at the first of the month. I really wasn’t too surprised about it... things have been great between us lately, but it was so nice to finally hear what I’ve been waiting on for so long. We’ll probably start moving stuff over before the end of the month, but she’ll be out of her apartment for good by the first day in Nov. That is, as long as our relationship continues the way it’s been going.<P>We’ve been seeing a lot of each other for about a month now. She’s stayed with me almost every night for the past 3 weeks. There have been many ups and a few downs. Most of the downs were because of us just being nervous about this whole getting back together thing again. Things started going downhill early last winter, we seperated in Jan, D-day was in March then divorced in June. I am the BS.<P>I believe we are in a good recovery and doing quite nicely. XW has done a very good job lately of reassuring me that she is sincere and sure of what she wants(me). I’ve done a much better job of making her feel comfortable and still letting her know that she does have to put forth an effort to make me feel safe.<P>She is going through withdrawal from OM. I realized it the other night, when she told me about their final conversation. He still wanted to hang out, she said no. They argued and she told him to have a good life and then left. But she said it was hard to tell him goodbye forever, and it’s still hard for her. But she says everyday with me makes it easier [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ... I loved hearing that!<P>It’s kind of scary knowing that she still has feelings for OM. But she’s sworn no contact with him and she wants to be with me. I believe her, I wasn’t so sure about her intentions at first but I am confident that she is being truthful now, and I’m very happy about it all to say the least. Also she’s telling our daughter that we’re getting back together, and no matter what she’s done to me and our family, she wouldn’t lead our daughter on like that unless she was sure about her feelings.<P>It was really quite weird the other night, and painful, but it was something that I think had to be done. I think we grew closer in the end... we talked in detail about her A, which I never wanted to know anything about, except that it happened. Discussing it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, it was still painful though. She really made me feel good about our closeness and made me feel comfortable that she would never miss him in the bedroom. She may have been just telling me things that I wanted to hear, but I already believed that what caused this mess to begin with was not our ability to have good sex. We’ve always been great together like that, and luckily I can block out the thought of “him” and we are able to be intimate. Actually, we have been the whole time... from before seperation to divorce until now.<P>We talked about a relationship I had after the D that made XW feel some of the pain I went through... nothing really compares, but she had some of the same feelings I had. The feeling of physical pain in her stomach when she thought of it and she did lose something that was very dear to her. I hate it... wish it wouldn’t have happened, but glad in a way. She got to feel some of the pain and she saw for the first time in 13 years that I wasn’t waiting on her to live again, and that I could go on without her. It was a huge wake up call for her, I think that slapped her out of her fog more than anything. Still, I regret that it took that... and those were not my intentions when I started going out with OG. I will always think of OG as a friend, but she is no threat to my XW. I will never contact her again, I don’t want to. And my XW knows that I’d choose her over any girl, so she does feel secure, and she should.<P>Now for the problems:<BR>First off, I want my XW to start reading and posting on this message board. I think it would be great for her to read other people's stories to see that our story is not so unique. And most importantly I'd love for her to read other WS's stories. I believe her reading about FWS's experiences will help her feel better about who she is and hopefully help her with her guilt and healing process. But my fears about this are, I've used this forum to vent my frustrations a few times. I'm scared that if she read these posts, they'd be major LBs. Maybe I'll just change my user name.<P>A major problem that we're going to have is my family. They've already told me that they'll disown me if I take her back... I don't believe that. They may be really mad at me, but I don't think they'll ban me from their lives. My kids are way too important to them to do something like that. But what stinks is they totally HATE my XW. They will not even make an effort for me or my kids to forgive her. I really can't blame them. It's hers and my fault. I told them more than I should have about our situation. I didn't have anyone else to talk to and my family was there. I'm really not too worried about what they may think about me. The only thing that really matters is XW’s, my kids' and my happiness together. But it scares my XW that she'll be in a relationship where she's hated by my family and that it may affect the way I feel about her or treat her, which I try and assure her that I don’t care what they think, I will stand by her through it all(like I haven’t proven that already...). Like Thanksgiving and Christmas... there's no way XW can go to my family’s. First off they'd tell me she's not welcome, but if I said she coming or I'm not and you better make her feel welcome, she still wouldn't go because she knows they'd be acting. Now I could say well, since XW isn't welcome, none of us are coming over, but doesn't that hurt the kids more than anything? Or would it be worse for me and kids go to my family's and XW not be there, then have to explain it to them why their mother isn't there with us.<P>It's messed up, but I have faith that in the end my family won't interfer too much with our progress, even if they try. As much crap as we've been through in the past year, this is nothing. I just don’t know how to make her feel better about it and how to handle this with the kids.<P>We don’t have any plans to get remarried right now. It will happen eventually, she still has my last name, our cars are still in both of our names. She even introduces me as her husband, and it’s not an accident. The biggest difference is we won’t be wearing our wedding bands. She still wears the ring I gave her on her wedding finger, but no band. I’d love to put mine back on, even if we were just living together. I’ll put it on in a second if she asks me to.<P>Can't believe how fast things happen sometimes. I mean at times this past year, days seemed like years, lonely nights never ended, tomorrow seemed so far away, and then all of a sudden it's October again and my XW wants to come home. <P>Now having said all this, I am still pretty scared about her slipping, it wouldn’t completely shock me if she did slip back. There is a lot more work to be done by both of us. But I believe that if we keep up what we’re doing, as well as learning new ways to meet each other’s needs, we will be happier than we ever were before. It will be hard at times, but really, compared to the last year of hell I’ve been living in, this will be easy... well at least enjoyable. I know for me, I’ll never take her or our relationship for granted again. I don’t think I ever took her for granted in the past, but there was more I could’ve done to make her feel more loved and appreciated. We both thought our marriage didn’t need to be worked on in the past, that just sitting back and going through the motions was good enough. Well, we won’t be making that mistake again.<P>Thanks for taking the time to read this. If anyone has any advice on the situation with my family I’d really appreciate it. I’m mainly concerned what would be easiest and best for the kids(daughter 7, son 2). <P>JB<P>[ October 11, 2001: Message edited by: kb4jb ]</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Congratulations JB!!!!<P>I am so happy for you!