I have been in Plan B for 5 days now but I have a 6 year old girl and am finding it impossible to not communicate in some way with WS. Out of necessity we have exchanged brief phone messages and notes sent via our daughter's schoolbag. We have not spoken or seen each other since last Friday. Is this still considered a decent Plan B?<P>Incidentally, she thinks me not talking to her is petty and hurting our daughter. Is this a common reaction early on? Is it true? Am I hurting my daughter by not talking with her?<P>Thanks for your wisdom as always.

It is so hard to plan B with children... especially if they are small. IMO, it cannot be done to its full effect. There MUST be some sort of communication for the sake of your daughter.<P>Again, IMO, you are only hurting your daughter by not talking to her mother IF your daughter doesn't understand why you are doing it. Given that she's only 6, you need to find a most general way to explain it to her. You know your dd best, and you know how things would best be described to her. Just do NOT keep her in the dark entirely. That's not fair to her (but you already know that, right? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )<P>Karen

Now I am kind of worried. Believe me, I did a great plan A for about 6 months but I knew it was time for Plan B. Did I make a mistake? How can I explain it to my daughter? Once when I dropped her off she said "Just come in and say hi to mommy" I told her mom and dad were not able to talk right now but reiterated how much we both loved her and would always take care of her. Should I back off of Plan B if it can't be effective with kids? So confusing.<P>Thanks

I am in what a few of us call "Plan C" - separated, but not formally, and initially having little interaction except as it relates to our young children. I asked my WH to move out, at least temporarily, about six weeks ago. From the outset, H has had daily contact with our children; in fact, he drives them back home and makes dinner for them, sometimes stays for bathtime and bedtime, then leaves. (We work shifted work hours so that I have them in the morning.)<P>I thought about plan B a great deal, pretty much throughout the 12 months after d-day #1, but really did not want to use it due to concern about our young children (1 and 4 at d-day). After 10.5 months of doing plan A with all my heart and soul, I could not continue. H accepted all the benefits of plan A but did not work at our detailed recovery plan, he made promises and broke them repeatedly, he continued contact with OW (business related and infrequent), he adopted an extreme Taker role and showed no signs of change. Although I shared my fatigue, exhaustion, exasperation and other feelings about this with him without LBs, his attitude changed only moderately. After a year of rebuilding alone, I needed to be away from him, away from his LBs, and to take stock of whether I should end the M for the sake of my sanity and the welfare of our children. So, I asked him to leave for a fixed period of time, in which time I could focus on our children and on my own personal recovery and he could take responsibility for his problems and his contributions to the state of our M. By this time, the A had been over for more than 11 months. So, a strict plan B did not really apply.<P>That is how "Plan C" got named. In the case of TimJ, "C" stands for camping, which is what he is doing while temporarily separated from his W; in my case "C" stands for cottage, where H is living now. Both Tim and I are the BSs and have been rebuilding alone as neither of our respective spouses was willing to work at marital recovery. Each of us came to the conclusion that going on with a unilateral plan A was intolerable. I went to plan C on Sept. 1 and Tim by the end of Sept. Both of us post mainly on the Recovery board. I forget how many children Tim has, but I think at least one is fairly young. Tim also sees his children everyday and interacts with his W.<P>I am sorry I don't know your story. Is your W's A over? Is there continued contact?<P>I ask to get a sense of whether a strict plan B is necessary in your circumstances or whether modifications to it might be almost as effective. If the A is ongoing, then I think that the closest thing possible to a strict plan B is best. Otherwise, modifications to help with parenting issues might be better. You need to work out a plan that fulfills the goal of your separation while making sure your D feels secure, loved and certain of the situation as it currently is.<P>I hope this helps a little. Feel free to search for posts of TimJ or mine for background.<P>Good luck.<P>OneDay<p>[ October 12, 2001: Message edited by: OneDay ]

Hi, <P>My sone is 6 years old. I actually had my H tell him that H was moving out. It was an emotional scene. Yet through it all, it was my son that weathered this whole mess better than both of us. <P>My son told his dad that his dad's place was with his family. Son asked dad what would he tell his classmates since he felt he no longer had a father. <P>Son asked his father why another lady was better than 'mom. Son even wrote his father a short 4 sentence letter of his own composition. Mistakes and all. It was a real heartfelt letter that made my H cry and he still has it. <P>All along, I assured our son of our love. Our son knew we both loved him but his father was having issues. It was not that difficult for our son to understand. Now if I left, it may have been harder for our son since he was dependent on me. <P>The way I would recommend it to be honest with your child. She is 6 and not oblivious to what is going on. She possibly knows more than you think and may even need counseling or someone she can open up to in addition to you. <P>When I went to plan B, I limited my contact with H to discussions about son, mail and money. All other communication stopped. or done via e-mail. <P>This helped. H started calling more. The hard part was for me not to call him or keep talking to him. <P>When actually started to realize what he was loosing (ow saw it also), he began to ask to come home. It took a while 3 1/2 months with some waffling. H is home now. <P>'Ol OW is still trying. Had another call just a few days ago. More lies from OW to try to get me to kick H out. I was able to substantiate most of H's whereabouts and actions so we both knew she was lying. The OW in my case uses 3rd party mental logic. She says she is leaving a message for H but talking to me. Get it????? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I don't but hey, I'm not the psyco one. <P>Hope this helps. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 03:03 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>