Hi guys, here is my update, by the way, I've missed all of you. Last week was really a down week emotional energy wise driven primarily by my fear that my WS has seen the OM during the week but was evasive about it. Over the weekend I told her of my need for some sort of EN reciprocity (Affection & Honesty). She seemed to make a dramatic turnaround for the rest of the weekend. I made sure that I told her how much I appreciated the effort and that it did in fact give me a much needed boost. Unfortunately, my current fear is that she saw the OM again last night and once again was less than forthcoming about her intentions. Again, I was devastated at the fact that she still can't bring herself to be honest with me. For weeks, I have been teetering on the brink of Plan B but had decided that I needed to give her a chance with her new C. By the way, her sessions with the new C seem to be productive. Last night, however, I was at my wits end. I was afraid of doing something stupid so I met a friend for a beer and cooled off. My decision when I woke up this morning was that I needed a break. I don't want to LB and blow the whole thing but I was really hurt and angry. I e-mailed her about my fears of her not being honest with me and that I needed space and some time in order to preserve the love and committment that I have for her. I hope and pray that I did the right thing. In my heart it felt right. I would appreciate any comments, prayers, or suggestions that anyone might have. I still love her so much.

Dear Still,<BR>Well you definitely have my prayers. Keep hanging in and try to have a good weekend. Don't second guess yourself... God knows your heart.

You have come to the point I myself reached a couple of weeks ago...suddenly you realise that this cannot continue like this, and you have to act. You are protecting yourself, and the love you still have for your wife...and for that reason I think you did the right thing.<P>Now what will you do? Are you going to speak with her tonight to clarify this, or are you going to wait for her response. Are you going into Plan B? In which case you should leave, or at least get away for a while.<P>I made some decisions this week about my life, and it was very liberating to make a decision instead of waiting for something to happen...I feel very free right now. Can you make any decisions which might enable you again?<P><BR>Love and light,<P>Jacky

StillHangingInThere,<BR>Up and down thats is the way of Plan A 'coaster. Try to feel how much she allows you but be patience. Letting her know if you are hurt is a good thing but do not expect anything from the fog in her head. Do not demand anything, you are not in any position doing that. Study her reaction, she might open up even more.<P>If you feel hurt & angry ... scream here or do anything else but getting in touch w/ your WS. It helps me a lot, I missed this buletin board.<P>Hadi

Thanks all for the reply's. Everyone here is always so kind and generous. At this point I have no intention of going to Plan B. I still believe that her sessions with her new C are going to prove successful. I'm not sure that "success" means that she will come back to me but I believe that she will resolve her issues. As far as clarification is concerned, I don't feel that any further is necessary. I'm afraid that if we try to discuss it that it will lead to LB's and I don't want that. I just need a break from the madness. I love her so much but I'm so frustrated and hurt. I need a little the time away to let these feelings subside.

I can't believe how much I'm second guessing myself already. I've thought about clarifications, I've thought about retractions, I've thought about meeting her to try to discuss how I hurt. I'm imagining that she is furious with me about doubting her. I'm imagining that she has thrown her ring in the garbage. I can't seem to make these feeling stop. I sure that everyone here will tell me to stand firm but it's so damn hard. I can't believe the torture that I'm going through today! Help!

StillHanginginThere,<P>IMO you do need a break. I see a lot of myself in you right now. But unlike you I did talk to my husband regarding my feelings. All I can say is if there is any fog whatsoever over your wife avoid this talk.<P>Distance is better for you and her in this case. It only takes a little LB's and all the good stuff between you erodes.<P>So get out of the house for an hour, a day a week. Talk about needing some space to come to terms with your hurt/pain. Just very politely tell your wife that you don't want to hurt you but your emotions are very overwhelming right now.<P>Put yourself in the position of power and control. She took it away from you, get some of it back by very rationaly removing yourself for some down time.<P>Oh what I would do to go back and be able to take this approach. I came across way too desprate at first in recovery. Don't freak out on her. It doesn't compute to a foggy WS. She will freak out when she sees how independent you can become given the pain you are experiencing.<P>Buck up camper!<BR> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <BR>Shaz

Hi Still,<P>You are at a personal cross road..... Been there also. I learned about the 5 stages of grieving that a BS goes through. The one between anger and acceptance is long and hard. There are times when you feel like you are moving 4 steps back for every one step forward. <P>Is there something wrong with you? No. You are learning to deal with a very different personality. The face of a familar family member with the character of a stranger. It is very hard. How do we continue to love someone who has become alien to us? It is very hard. <P>Now inspite of this, don't beat yourself up.<BR>Give yourself the distance and time. The beauty of plan B is that it provides relief for the worn out spouse. We need it more than we realize. But be aware that sometimes this means that we may get weaker before we get better. During this time of rest, many other emotions may begin to surface. That is why it is important to get ourselves emotionally stable and setup our personal support group to prepare for these type of setback moments. <P>Remember, these bad feelings are temporary. In the meantime, your WS will wonder....what you are up to. Why is my BS not as predicatable? Because you are actually not the BS of that changed character. You are looking for or want your real spouse back. This time you take to help heal you will be prepare to help the WS find your real spouse and help her to come back. <P>Sounds kinda scary, like something out of a movie???? Yep, worse. Real life drama of living with the effects of an A is worse than any movie. Yet, you will survive. <P>If you want to read that link about the 5 stages of grieving, let me know. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

Still hanging in.<P> I am going through the exact same thing. I put a post on "just found out". I find that my wife know exactly what buttons to push and she gets the reaction that she is expecting. I am trying to find ways to avoid bringing up issues but it is hard. If I find myself becomming angry and frustrated I have to distance myself because I have the habit of saying what is on my mind when I am upset. I have to be the strong one, and try not to let her influence me in anyway that will bring me down. She said to me that she feels good when I feel bad. I am not going to let her do this anymore because it is making things worse for me and it is giving her the power that she wants over me. This sounds mean as I write this, but I need some of the power back. Right now I feel like a shell of a man, because I am letting her get to me to much. I feel your pain and wish everyone on these post good luck and success.<BR>Slopoke.

First of all, I was so thrilled this afternoon to logon and see so many responses from my friends. An update. I have taken my self-respect back. Last night I sat down with my WS and very calmly and sincerely explained how much her continued contact with the OM devastated me and that I cannot allow this any longer. I am losing my self respect and this is something I vowed I would never do. I told her that each devastation chipped a little away from my ability to love her. I explained that I needed to preserve what I had left. I told her that I did not want to get in the way of her therapy sessions. Her new C seems promising and I know she still has things to work out. I understand that until this process runs it's course their will be no true answer. However, I told her that unless she agrees and enacts "no contact" with the OM that I will no longer see her for any reason. It was the most difficult conversation I have ever had with anyone but when I got home I looked at myself in the mirror and I liked what I saw. I know in my heart that I've done the right thing but please say a prayer for me that she sees it that way too. Also, pray that God gives me the strength to stay with this. The temptation to cave in is unbelievable but I'm holding steady so far.

Hi Still,<P>Just wanted to let you know how proud I am/we are of you. It will be hard, but you will feel the benefit soon. <P>Hang in there. Better days are coming. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.

Thanks Orchid. I am proud of myself. Scared to death but proud. The one thing that seemed to resonate during our conversation last night was the concept of addiction. Before I brought it up she said "I don't know why I can't stop seeing him...I just can't stop". I then gently explained how my C and I were just talking that day about my addiction to her. Lately, it seems that no matter how many times she hurts me I go back for more. I need to feed the habit. I say that I don't know why I go back to get clobbered time and time again but I do. She's addicted to him and I don't think she realizes it yet. She has admitted that she now knows why the A started and that it started for the wrong reasons. It's just that she can't stop. Addictions, to anything are so very powerful and so destructive. I'm almost through day 1. This is not going to be easy.