<BR>Good morning, everyone,<P>Well, after what I thought was a good couple of weeks and a couple good counseling sessions, my SO said he's throwing in the towel. I thought he would, it's been a couple weeks and I was sensing him pulling away. He took the remainder of his stuff from my house (when I thought things were good). I questioned him and he said he was fine, but it finally came out. He said he sensed the past few weeks as faned and sarcastic - boy, was I sensing something different. I'm not fighting this time as I usually do. I'm done trying to prove myself. Besides, I think he was still in contact with the woman whose personal ad he answered and I found. His mother can't understand what he's doing, either. I talked to our Pastor and he agrees it tiring. I know I should be grateful we stopped the wedding plans (9/25/99), but I kind of wish we were so it wouldn't be so easy for him to turn his back.<P>We have been functioning as a family for a while now (we both have 2 boys from previous marriages). This is NOT going to help the boys at all. We have all grown so close the past month. Well, all 4 boys and I have, but I see now, my SO has been going the other way.<P>I just keep telling myself there are bigger and better fish out there, but it hurts knowing that I really don't know him as much as I thought.<P>He called once last night to say he was sorry, he did love me and miss me and he's thankful for all we've shared - oh and "please don't maligne me for our breakup"!<BR>Does he really expect me to portray him as a Saint for his leaving me and the boys.?<P>Anyway, I just want to make it through another day and be strong for my 2 boys. I'm meeting with my Pastor tomorrow morning, he thought it best to meet immediately.<P>God Bless.<P>------------------<BR>Carpe Diem<BR>~~ Lady K ~~<P>

Lady K, I'm so sorry things aren't going well for you. Try to concentrate on taking care of you and the boys.

Do you think he is sabatoging his own future, because of a fear of intimacy?

Lady K, you don't have to malign him, nor do you have to portray this as even partially your idea. His actions have consequences and he should have to deal with them.<P>In much the same situation myself, only I've been married 16 years.

<BR>Trustntruth - YUP!<P>Thank you both for your quick replies. My SO has very low self-esteem. He told me a couple weeks ago he was looking for that new love feeling, but after thinking a bit he wanted to work on "the comfortable old shoe" that we had. I feel he NEEDS that new love feeling to feel good about himself. At least that's what I'm reciting to myself to make it better. I know this has absolutely nothing to do with me. His Mom agrees.<P>I really connected with his whole family over the past few weeks when his grandfather passed away and everyone came to town. They all told me they liked me a lot and welcomed me into the family. His grandmother even told me to work through the lies so I see it's not just me.<P>I would love for this to work, but he needs to work through things on his own.<P>I wasn't ready to take my ring off, but when I took it to the jewlers last night for my inspection, my bagets were very loose so they sent it out and I won't get it back until the 17th. Maybe that'[s a sign. I'll grasp at anything.<P>I feel so exhausted, but I know I'm better off without the emotional rollercoaster he's had me on for the past 9 months.<P>I could use a little new love feeling too I guess. He did give me my walking papers. I know he's testing me, he's done it before. "If you loved me you would have called, you would have fought for us, you wouldn't have gone out on a date (not that I have, but I will now)".<P>He lways suspected me of head games, but I'm seeing that's because he plays them very well.<P>I need to get back on AOL so I can access this on the week-ends. I canceled it because he thought I was getting into chat rooms (something else I found out he does) and I wanted to put his fears to rest.<P>I was so accomodating and it just never mattered!<P>:-)<P>------------------<BR>Carpe Diem<BR>~~ Lady K ~~<P>

Lor -<P>I'm sorry! I can only imagine how much greater your pain is.<P>Thank you for responding.

Hi Lady K -<P>I'm sorry that you are feeling so badly!! A BIG HUG to you!!! You'll get through this!!!! I was still pondering what to write to you on your other post when you made this one.<P>I did not like that you said he had snuck some of is things out and also the fact that it was done when you thought things were good. That is what I was trying to figure out what to say to you about!! Guess this is no surprise when you look at these previous acts.....<P>I'm torn about what I want to say to you!! On the one hand - I am thinking "Good - let him go and get himself together and figure out what kind of man he wants to be and then pull himself up by his own bootstraps and work within himself to fix what he needs to!! He's too HIGH MAINTENANCE for a wonderful woman who has her hands full with two male children who don't need this kind of example in their lives.<P>Then, on the other hand, the nurturer in me is saying "the poor guy has no self esteem and is just going through life destroying all the good that touches him. Perhaps he needs help to work through this and time to build his self esteem up and realize that love is there for him.<P>I have to say, Lady K, that I am torn - but I have a tendency in this case to advise you to let him be - You know the saying "if you love them, set them free and they'll come back if it's meant to be"?? Well, I think you should do this and when/if he comes back he needs to have discovered and improved himself to a point where he can give back to you all that you deserve within a loving relationship.<P>The way he is now is a one way street. I'm sorry and I feel terrible saying this.....I just think that you and the boys deserve a man who knows himself and doesn't play games - expecially one-sided and manipulative games!!<P>Hugs and Strength to you and your boys,<P>Sheba

I would have to say let him go. You can't rebuild his self esteem, he has to do that for himself. I don't think you would be able to help him and raise your boys and maybe his all at the same time. Someone would suffer, better him than the kids if you would decide to marry and then he takes off.<BR>Let him get his act together first. Isn't that a common problem in marriages, we are going to "fix" the spouse.

Hello, again,<P>First - IT'S A GREAT DAY!!<P>Thank you, Sheba and RWD, for your responses. I did resolve that my SO needs to come to terms with himself and to find peace. I pray that he does.<P>I met with our Pastor (and he is also this week) and he agreed that I cannot help him. We prayed for my SO and for us. I have not given up nor have I given in!!<P>I'm proud of myself for not contacting him at all. He has contacted me and we've talked about what he is going through. He tried the old - you haven't called so you must not care - routine and I simply said that I was respecting his wishes. He thanked me for that. He says he misses me and thinks of me positively quite often. He knows that this has nothing to do with me and he has appreciated the "breathing room".<P>We are getting together tonight and I am remaining strong. I'm not stopping my life over this. It has helped knowing he didn't end it for someone else, but only for his inability to accept my love. He is a very intense person and he is HIGH MAINTENANCE (thanks Sheba, I used those exact words just yesterday). He admitted being almost nurotic over what level of love he expected, hence, nothing was ever good enough.<P>I'm happy he's getting some help from the men at church who he looks up to. If the day ever comes where we exchange our vows, we should be pros.<P>I know this breather will be good for me to focus on myself and my boys (their father has been a real jerk lately, too - ugh). I have a lot of filing to get done at home and I need to get myself organized. I feel like an unraveled ball of yarn.<P>Have a great week.<P>Still Smiling!! :-)<P>------------------<BR>Carpe Diem<BR>~~ Lady K ~~<P>

Hi Lady K -<P>I'm glad that you have resolved to take a step back and let him work on him!!!<P>You need this time yourself.....I like the unraveled ball of yarn - it's perfect for describing that overwhelmed feeling......you wouldn't mind if I borrowed that one - would you!!! LOL!!<P>Hugs and prayers to you and the boys...and I'll throw in a special one for the self discoveries for that man of yours, too!!!!! (Smiley Face)<P>Sheba

Good Morning,<P>Sheba, I don't mind if you use the ball of yarn analogy - I myself borrowed it (read it on a board about a year ago)!!<P>I experienced weakness last night. We ended up getting coffee and sitting in the park talking. He shared how he's meeting with a few men from church and he takes full responsibility for our demise. He said he recognizes he needs to create chaos in his life to feel worthy and that it's wrong. He's looking into relationship building courses at a local college and he seems very positive.<P>My expectations of the evening were to enjoy his company and bid him farewell at the door. We ended up in my apartment and one thing led to another. I've missed the companionship and the tenderness of his kisses. I was glad he didn't just get up and leave and we had a snack then watched the first half of a football game (while he rubbed my neck and shoulders - the only way I'll watch football). He left around 11 pm.<P>I woke up with such guilt and regret. All I could think of was him coming to the apartment and taking all his stuff from the atic and how good he was at pretending everything was great. Boy, I'm not sure I can ever swallow that one. I feel as though he is just laughing inside knowing I melted, as though he has total control. <P>I prayed for strength within myself to go slowly and take baby steps.<P>I know I can't dwell on yesterday and I can only learn from this, but I feel the betrayel of the past month or so so greatly. How will I ever know if he's honest and sincere?!?!<P>Thank you for your prayers and know that mine include you and everyone here who struglles from day to day!<P>God Bless.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Carpe Diem<BR>~~ Lady K ~~<P>