Can people honestly, truly love thier spouse and still have an affair. I couldn't!

I am not a WS, and I couldn't have an A either being in love with my spouse, but I feel there are people who do have A and are still in love with there spouse, there minds are so fogged from something that is lacking in the marriage and once they meet someone else that is meeting there needs they are not thinking about anything else that's when I think the FOG sets in and there love for the other spouse becomes buried deep down, sometimes that love can never resurface without help or letting go of anger or resentments and the M does end , and if couples can start to get that love back to the surface then maybe the M can recover, just my opinion. Sally

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sad Sally:<BR><STRONG>I am not a WS, and I couldn't have an A either being in love with my spouse, but I feel there are people who do have A and are still in love with there spouse, there minds are so fogged from something that is lacking in the marriage and once they meet someone else that is meeting there needs they are not thinking about anything else that's when I think the FOG sets in and there love for the other spouse becomes buried deep down, sometimes that love can never resurface without help or letting go of anger or resentments and the M does end , and if couples can start to get that love back to the surface then maybe the M can recover, just my opinion. Sally</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sally,<P> I feel like so many accuse the WS of being in a fog, when in fact the spouse is in denial. If my spouse were to have an affair, I would be convinced that he didn't love me. I wouldn't feel like he was in a fog. I feel like if he really really loved me, he wouldn't have a disire for anyone else. please understand, I am just curious. Oh course I don't have the answers, I am just trying to understand. I hope you are right.

I don't think the WS purposely looks for someone else, I feel that if things are not good in a marriage whether it be sexual problems or emotional problems sometimes Spouses don't know how to work some of this turmoil they are feeling and one thing leads to another. for ex. My H was the best H anyone could ask for we are M 18yrs. I started to really neglect his needs and he started neglecting mine, so ultimately what happened was he started an EA with someone and one thing led to another and it became PA on the other hand I turned to eating and gained weight, so you see it becomes an addiction whether be an affair or drugs etc..could you tell me a little about your story I am not sure if I read it here or not?? Not sure if this helps. Love Sally

No they can't. IMO an A is prima facie evidence that the ws is not in-love with their spouse. Whether they can be in the future is a different issue, but they aren't now, and never were. People in love do not have affairs. There is IMO a huge amount of denial about marriage, people assume just because they are married they (and their) spouse are "in-love". Being married has nothing to do with love, neither does history, kids, or smiling wedding pictures. People are in-love when they have an intimate relationship with someone they fit, and how is emotionally healthy (psychologically healthy). It is not easy at all to be in-love (I have come to believe), and the vast majority of marriages are accomodations, contractural quid pro qup unions for common survival, and procreation, and that is why IMO affairs are so common.

I think that the love bank theory comes into play. I am both a BS and WS. I loved my H when I had my A. I don't think I had that "in love" feeling for him that I did once. <BR>My H had multiple A's before I had my A. I asked him if he still loved me. He says he did, but I think it was more of a caring feeling as the mother of his child and me being his wife. He felt an obligation towards that. So, the feeling of being "in love" was gone too. <P>Even now we find it hard to be "in love". I think we are just going through the motions. I do know that I am not "in love" with my H due to all the resentment that has built up as a result of other issues as well as the A's. <P>We do care for each other and I think even love each other, but just not the same way as we use to. So, I do think a WS can love their spouse, just not the same way he/she use to. It takes time, a great deal of help, and a lot of letting go in order to get that feeling of being "in love" back. <P>In my case, doubt it will come back, but your case may be different. Just like Dr. Harley says, the more there is to repair, the more resentment there is to overcome. So, all cases are different with varying degrees of road work. Hope it makes since.<P>Clouds

Snl I think everyone's situation is different spouses cheat for all different reasons, don't you think the majority of WS cheat because of needs not being met??? rather than not being in love???? If my spouse didn't love me why (in my case), would he stay faithful and married to me for 18 yrs.?? he cheated when things got really bad in the marriage and we both stared to neglect each others needs, my H had A because he needs were not being meet and he chose to go to someone else, not for love for attention, I feel my H still loves me but its buried right now.

INTHECLOUDS320,<BR>You are not in the cloud [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] , you understood the basic MB in which a lot of people struggling. Most of us "stick it up" with M because of we got it in the past (happy together), currently receving (some EN is met), hope we will get it in the future or other reason that require time such as financial reason. Is it love ... ? the heck no !. I could get a kitchen knife and cut her heart into pieces for what she did to me if my senses did not stop me. People or family who know both of us all of them on my side, her argument comes from the fog and has no ground to justify A. That is why we do plan A w/ no inteference but on our self. It teaches us to love ourself, better ourself and actually show unconditional love for WS (brotherly love).<P>Hadi

Sad Sally,<BR>Let me ask you, who is responsible for your H love ?. You or H ?. It is actually you do. If you fill in EN, "love bank" will overflow and H will give/try to fill in your EN, your LB for H will overflowing ... <P>Of course there is really "sick H", those are not normal people and they need medical help or serious character flaws. Hope you could stay away and not attracted to those people. Majority specially if marriage had been good it could be rebuild. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Hadi

Thanks RedHat [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi. I have been trying to stay off the board for personal reasons but lots of people seem to be answering one of my threads this week.<P>I am a WS who was very lost and confused when H was recovering from cancer treatment. I was left with too much responsiblity on my shoulders and H was not physically able to meet many of my needs. This does not excuse my actions in any way.<P>Just to explain that I developed a very inappropriate emotional attachment to someone I thought was a best friend (big mistake for any other sex person than spouse to be best friend) and of course, being lonely and mixedup and OM only too willing to be there for me (even faked a sick leave I now realize so he could hang out all the time), I put myself into the trap.<P>Life is so much better since confession. But I do recall at one point during A thinking I loved both men. I now realize despite my actions that I always loved H and knew the situation with OM was temporary and could never work. I am ashamed to admit such greed.<P>But now I am delighted to after months of recovery, finally feel well enough to truly love my H and my kids by spending time and actually listening. If I feel lonely now, I just tell H instead of thinking it's my own problem to deal with. <P>So in some cases, WS do love their spouse--the A is unspeakably offensive--words fail to describe this adequately--but it is true fog and deception. I also think mental illness plays a factor in all this. I am beginning to theorize that fog is linked to such behaviour as A and things leading up to it. Just a personal thing I'm trying to work out but I can't believe how twisted my thinking became during that time.<P>One thing I can believe is that it was worth the risk to confess to H and although life is not easy, it is 1000% better now.<P>Godspeed to all of you on the recovery journey or rebuilding a life without a mate while learning to love yourself because you do deserve it.(I mean this in a positive way)

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sad_n_lonely:<BR>No they can't. IMO an A is prima facie evidence that the ws is not in-love with their spouse. Whether they can be in the future is a different issue, but they aren't now,<B> and never were.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>SnL? <B>"And Never Were"</B>??? I completely disagree. I know my H was "IN-LOVE" with me, and I, him, when we married. We were very "IN-LOVE" ... we couldn't keep our hands off of one another and to be apart, even for a few hours, was painful. Our anticipation of seeing one another again was exhilerating. There were cards, flowers, gifts, late nite dinner dates at home, some of the most intimate and passionate moments were in our first five years of marriage. <P>So SnL, IMHO, you saying "<B>And Never Were</B>" is a pretty blanket statement. And I would bet most of the WS and BS's here alike would say they and their spouses were "IN-LOVE" when they first married.<P>Best,<BR>Jo<p>[ October 14, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]

Back to the TOP. SnL ... do you have a response for me??? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<P>Best,<BR>Jo

freshstart,<BR>The key in here is you were in love before your A, see resilient objection of SNL above. You were in the fog but getting out of it and I do not thing you are in love w/ H when you have your A !!!. I am glad & happy to see that MB could work and work well specially for you in rebuilding your love for H. It seems that you are in live again with your H now.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Resilient:<BR><STRONG>SnL? <B>"And Never Were?"</B> I completely disagree. I know my H was "IN-LOVE" with me, and I, him, when we married, so IMHO, you saying "<B>And Never Were</B>" is a pretty blanket statement. And I would bet most of the WS and BS's here alike would say they and their spouses were "IN-LOVE" when they first married.<BR>]</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I absolutely wanted to disagree with this "blanket" statement, Jo, but you did it for me! Thanks!<P>I think Sad Sally has some good points, and this is where my M was when WH "wandered: <I>"I don't think the WS purposely looks for someone else, I feel that if things are not good in a marriage whether it be sexual problems or emotional problems sometimes Spouses <B>don't know how to work some of this turmoil they are feeling and one thing leads to another.</B> for ex. My H was the best H anyone could ask for we are M 18yrs. I started to really neglect his needs and he started neglecting mine, so ultimately what happened was he started an EA with someone and one thing led to another and it became PA.</I><P>BTW, this type of thinking has been described as "revisionist history" of M. Most of it is NOT true, just "made up" by WS to ease the guilt they feel for what they are doing to their M and S. It usually dissipates with clear thinking, and return to M <B>OR </B> moving on to live without either S or OP. Heads clear, minds think straighter. I wish it would happen soon to my WH! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <P>Lupo<p>[ October 14, 2001: Message edited by: lupolady ]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by lupolady:<BR>[qb] OOoops!<p>[ October 14, 2001: Message edited by: lupolady ]

Spiro,<BR>To be perfectly honest, while I loved my partner pre A, I was lonely, and if circumstances had been a bit different, I could see where an A would have been possible for me.<P>Like Jo, we had the "can't keep our hands off each other, dizzying anticipation to be with each other" for about 5-6 years...then, kids,jobs, money, taking each other for granted gradually cooled the ardor...not necessarily the love. The only "why an A" answer that he gave me that ever made sense to me was ..."I was lonely, you were so absorbed in your world, me in mine..didn't realize I was unhappy until someone else made me happy..I realize now it was stupid..I told her I would never leave you, told her I loved you...couldn't figure how to make you love me again..figured it was gone for good." Sounds kind of wimpy doesn't it..but that is where his feelings were...and it makes sense..I wasn't the best partner then..would rather "finish work, do this for the kids, get some sleep" instead of going out with him. He was working alot too...we just lost our connection. <P>I was approached by a co-worker who had become a good friend..could have gone on to a EA?PA, but honestly, the only thing that held me back is it would have been one more person for me to take care of, one more thing to put on my list...how's that?...not my undying love, but sheer exhaustion kept me faithful...and I'll bet I'm not alone.<P>So...i think it's possible to love someone and hurt them deeply..even betray them..and I also think it's possible to repair the damage.<BR>T

My husband told me for a fact that he did still love me very much, not the "I love you but I am not in love with you" thing, but he did insist that "we didn't get along." He said this as I was taking him to the airport to return to be with his girlfriend.<P>He always maintained that he loved me and even told his girlfriend that he did. He also told her, after she begged him to disclose why he was not with me and was fooling around with her, that I "had a bad temper and no people skills." In other words, he was telling her that I had the exact problems that he had and was reversing the blame for us "not getting along" onto me.<P>All in all, it was pretty much a sex thing. He was in a military school on the opposite coast from me and he flirted with the danger of chatting with people on line. And porn. OW happened to live two hours from his school, her marriage was on the rocks and he wanted sex, and there you go: Instant romance.

Spiro,<BR>I am the WS who had 4 A's. I have always loved my H but didn't have that in love feeling. You must be thinking "she had multipule A's then she couldn't have love her H." They were all in a 6 month period. I felt that my H was to busy for me, and self esteem was low due to just having a baby.<P>I can honestly say that since D-day I love my H more now because I have no lies or anyhting between us. I can love him whole heartedly. That is a wonderful feeling. I wish when we got married someone would have given us "His needs, Her needs" .<BR>I thought I would just give you my 2 cents. Sherry

I was in-love w/H when I married him. Eight years of what felt like abandonment to me did some serious damage to that feeling. I met someone who filled lots of ENs. I had an EA. I didn't go looking for it, but I spent alot of time refusing to recognize it for what it was. I still love my H, and while my EA was going on we had no problems with SF. My H would tell you our marriage was better when it was a lie. He's told me this quite a few times. I care about my H, but I am definitely not in-love with him now. Trying to figure out how to get it back.